It's all blowing up

[rich4j]

Old POST:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2641367#Post2641367

It has become an atrocius environment at my household trying to live with my WAW during moving to the D.

I want get walked on and we had major words today about finances and that she is waiting for the papers and ready to file

I stopped searching for any type of "A" in another city that she goes to now every other week but it really doesnt matter to me at this point except for possible closure. She says no way and from some snooping I so far have confirmed nada

I have lost 8 lbs over this and continue to try to follow the protocol here

She is getting crazy with the "I won't be taken advantage of anymore" Which....she never was......maybe not appreciated as she should have been at times but that goes both ways.

I need to suck some strength, hugs and wisdom from the board here to get thru this .....the next few months will be so hard. I pray for my daughter and she doesn't have major issues from this. Someone pls tell me there kids came thru OK.

[Mowgli]

Probably time to start setting some boundaries, man. She's running all over you.

You two don't need to figure out the finances, that's what she's paying a lawyer to do, right? so let him do his job. If she's curious, she can figure it out on her own. For God's sake don't help her!

You are the one being left, what right does she have to demand anything from you around the house? focus on you and your D.

If she wants to get confrontational, you have every right to not engage and walk away, so do it.

Don't let her get "snippy" with you. You tell her "I don't let people talk to me that way, and I won't let you talk to me that way, either." then you walk away.

Let her be pissed off. She isn't respecting you in this process AT ALL. You literally owe her nothing. That doesn't mean you meet fire with fire, though. let her burn herself to the ground.


FYI,

I'm not saying there is or isn't an A, but she may be looking to move quickly for a reason.

FYI2: you're from PA, right? PA is a "fault-based" State, which means PA will give it weight to an Affair in D cases, which in turn, can be used as leverage for you if you are concerned with your finances.

Many say not to snoop, but in this case, you may be protecting yourself.

[Mowgli]

I know your world has been turned upside down.

Your W is rewriting your marital history to fit her view of her current reality. She's pushing hard.

You will be fine, but you need to follow the rules. Your kids will take your lead on this. If you struggle, they will struggle. If you show an outward calmness and protect yourself, they will take their lead from you.

Really, truly, set boundaries for yourself.

Is this normal behavior for her when she's fired up?

There is something driving the bus here. Something has happened to make her feel the way she does.

[rich4j]

Yes...pretty normal behavior as she is a high tempered individual


And you are dead on Mowgli with rewriting history. Making it like I was a horrible husband who mistreated her. Geez...all the wives in our old neighborhood always said they would love to live her life of not having to work and tennis :-)


The bus has sped up. And I want to put my head in the sand that it could be another man and have done some digging and asked but she swears up & down no. She has a major project (can't say more than that..) that she started after not working for 10 years that is her life right now and all she cares about....it is pumping her up , having her travel, meet some high profile people and I suspect will be or is her path to a new life without.....and maybe someone she has met thru this adventure

I do want this to be successful for her as it will only help her financially and me too. But the high will stop if successful in due time and she will be brought back to earth. Definitely wihtout me and maybe or maybe not happy
Not in my control or something I care to think about anymore

I can only control me and standing up for myself. I don't want to make it like she is stepping on me but this whole DB thing is new to me and over the past few weeks as I have been less interested and care, she has gotten more hostile towards me

Fact...

[LITB]

She isn't going to be honest with you. It isn't worth asking her. If something is going on and you keep asking her, she will take it deeper underground.

Who goes out of town every other weekend?

What kind of work does she do that she is unable to tell you about her project?

Does she hide her phone or keep it close to her?

Be observant and don't ask her about what she is up to.

...and set your boundaries. You know what your rights are, based on your consult with the L.

What did you learn from your consultation?

This will probably get more difficult, before it gets easier. DB'ing takes practice. It is a new way of life. It isn't limited to the words; "divorce busting". It applies to other relationships.

Also be patient. Not only with your sitch, but be patient with yourself. You'll make mistakes along the way. Not a big deal. There is no teacher like experience. Dust yourself off and keep going.

[rich4j]

Trying to keep my cool but she went nuclear when discussing living arrangements. She wants to stay in thehouse as part of the arrangement and I also do. She said...then this will get ugly. I do have alot to lose in the financial area......it is what it is


I know the project and details that she works on....just can't discuss openly on the board. And every other weekend is our deal in terms of keeping out of each others hair during this tough time but I have a small level of trust. I actually am so worn out from this that i don't care much anymore. She does keep her phone to her hip and it makes me wonder.....

She blamed me for everything tonight. I stayed as calm as i could but the reason she is leaving is because I left years ago. Everyone has responsiblity in a relationship and I have learned and realized my withdrawals and why. Some reasons which are due to her...which at this point doenst matter

Don't you think if she is the one who is leaving the relationship, she should leave the house eventually? She made the "how many men make thier wife and daughter leave thehouse?"

I said...I am not making our daughter leave as we will have joint custody. So you would be finding a new place....

[Free]

Rich,
I spent months thinking that my wife was just unhappy and wanted out. I asked about OM a few times and it was always denied.
I wanted to DB. I wanted to trust her, thinking trust would help in DB'ing.
There was an OM the whole time. Even now, she still calmly denies it.
I would suggest snooping, but be ready to see/hear things that will crush your heart. If you think you've already hit bottom, that bottom falls out when you find the A.
As much as it hurts, I am glad I know. It gave me direction on what to do next.
I hope and pray that you snoop and find nothing.
Go easy brother.

[LITB]

She is trying to manipulate you with her comments about things getting ugly and making her leave the house with your daughter. It gives her a sense of control of the situation.

Stay calm, cool and collective. No need to get defensive or take things personal. She will say things just to hurt you, even if they are not true. That's why WASes are history revisionist. It helps justify their choice to leave and her perception, is her reality.

It is your job to change that perception. How are you going to do that?

[rich4j]

Lost my cool this am as she got in my face first thing in the am and said "I want to stay in house, with daughter and dogs...you are the one who should move out"

Then said primary custody... things got out of control and a huge arguement.

She then wanted me out of house asap and will get a court order...which she can't do. And to get the lawyers involved and not do mediation.

I think this is toast...maybe belongs in the divorce thread now!

Ugh...what has happened

[LITB]

You are operating from a place of emotion right now. SHE IS TRYING TO MANIPULATE YOU TO GET HER WAY!!! It similar to dealing with a bully. You have to set your boundaries. Until you stand up for yourself, it will continue. You don't have to stand there and take her BS.

You can say something like, "I respect myself too much to be treated this way. When we can have a civil conversation, we can talk." Then walk away. Go to your room, lock the door and put on a headset." Just an example. Or don't say anything, simply walk away.

DO NOT MOVE OUT!! Let her figure it out, but be prepared legally.

And you don't know how things will shake out.