It's all blowing up

[rich4j]

Voice of reason..thanks LITB. Sounds from a place of experience

I stood tall. I need to put emotion in the belly and breathe. When she brings up the daughter my Irish gets going and all signs point to protect. There are things from the past that got us to this point that I own and have told her I own but that IS THE PAST. She is moving on becuz of the past so I told her don't rehash as I am well aware of the issues and can only move forward.

I am not moving out . She can hit me with a bat each day if she wants but not moving.

this 2 + feet of snow is not helping things either. I don't sense this coming back around anytime soon so I have been trying to detach and now need to set up boundries too which I will re-read.

Keep safe if you are in the NorthEast today.

[LITB]

Yes, it does come from experience. When you don't argue back, you don't add fuel to the fire. Essentially, it serves you no purpose to argue with her In her mind, she is right.

My W has told me that she didn't know what to do when I wouldn't argue back. I can tell you one day she threatened me with more child support and spousal support, etc. I told her to do what she needed to do. Believe it or not, she apologized later in the week. I'm not telling you this is what will happen in your case. However, when you have boundaries, respect will follow.

Glad to hear you are not moving out.

I find that people who listen to the advice, help themselves immensely. When people follow their intuition, they get in their own way. To your credit, you have been listening.

You'll eventually see the fruits of your labor. Stay the course and keep posting.

[sandi2]

Stay in Newcomers, Rich. Please hear what we are saying. All wayward wives have similar charteristics, however, they vary in degrees. Some are just worse than others. And the worse must be dealt with through the only thing that can force her to do what has been declared. I am referring to the legal system. The WW lies and deceives. You cannot trust anything she says. To even discuss arrangements seems useless, IMHO, b/c you cannot rely upon her to stick to anything that's been decided between the two of you. A court order is about all that will work with a woman who is at this level of madness.

I do not know the laws in your state, however, I encourage you to find out and do whatever you need to do to protect yourself, your children, home, finances, property, etc.

[rich4j]

thanks Sandi...already working with a L

Today was one of the hardest days so far in this horrible journey.

We are friends with about 4-5 couples in the neighborhood who all have kids my daughters age. They ended up all coming over our house including parents after a snowy day for drinks/food.

My daughter was in heaven playing with everyone and we all sat around and drank and had some fun.

All I could think about was me vacating the house and my WAW staying, wooping it up with the neighbords and continuing with the life I dreamed of without me.

And that my daughter, if I have to eventually move, will not like staying with me as this is the fun neighborhood where she lives now with us.

Really tough...

[rich4j]

My life is getting blown up the most between the 2 of us.

It hurts so much to see that life will continue without many speed bumps for her if she stays in our house. Staying here whether me or her for our daughter is the best thing to do for a while anyway as it will cause the least disruption. and now she says she will keep the dogs too

I will be the lone wolf out in the cold. It kills me

She goes on like almost nothing is wrong. Anyone else who has to live with a WAW ready to D going thru this? How have you deal with it?

Part of my heart bleeds to want to say pls lets give this a shot but I know I can't and I know it won't do anything at all but hurt more. That would be useless

I wish I could somehow keep the house and dogs and still be able to swing my work and finances while not having her take me to the cleaners too.

[LITB]

What do you mean she is staying in the house and you are going to be out in the cold?

What did your L say? You are allowing FEAR to be your guide. You have to stand your ground.

One of the things that motivated me, was the thought of my children asking me what happened when they got older. I wanted to be able to look them in the eyes and tell them I did my best. I made some HUGE mistakes along the way, because of FEAR. It cost me time with my children and a lot of money on a L.

I have a friend who lived in PA, whose sitch was about 6 months behind mine. It was very similar to mine, as his W wanted a D and wanted to leave the state to AZ. I told him not to allow her to leave the state with their sons. I had already made that mistake. He didn't listen. His W moved, the D was finalized and he had to find a job in AZ.

The point is, sometimes we allow fear to guide us directly to the land of regret. I'm guilty of it and I hope you learn from my experience.

Can you get us up to speed on the D? She wants your help with Financials is what we know. Has she filed? I gather that she has a L who is preparing to file. Have you agreed to anything? Doesn't matter if you haven't signed. Don't sign anything. If she has a L, I highly suggest your retain your own. Let them go back and forth and remove yourself from the negotiations. It will cost you money, but if you don't protect yourself, it will likely cost you more later.

I'm sure you have an idea how much she makes. Did you have your L run the numbers for you in regards to SS and CS? During our second separation, knowing this information was invaluable.

I realize this isn't exactly DB'ing, however it all ties together.

[Azzork]

Agree with LITB.

The more you KNOW, the less you have to FEAR.

[rich4j]

My L is just engaged now. had initial meeting last week and without going into too much detail I am in a tough situation as she hasnt worked in 10 years and I have supported the family. It will be tough for me all around but I want to make sure my duaghter doesnt suffer a bit. W is so selfish and has no clue the impact on her. Keeps using the "resilient " word....too much reading.

Would mommy have taken her sledding today with all the kids in 3 ft of snow? Not this mommy....

LITB I haven't agreed to anything and L said she isn't leaving the state with my daughter so no fear there. W isn't planning on it right now but I know she wants that to happen sooner than later...not on my watch.

L will be running the numbers and I will be "up the creek" but not really focused on this. Just trying to continue to DB and keep my cool thru this.

I try to stay positive but am a realist. She asked her lawyer to get the papers going so she will be filing. I have to figure things out once the lawyers start their dance as I don't sense the brakes being put on.

I read so much about so many people regretting the big D a year later and wish they worked harder to make things work. I told her months ago before this got really bad, "make sure you don't have regrets". Big sigh

[Rick1963]

DONT LEAVE THE HOUSE....Listen to the others. Listen to Sandi and LIBT. My ex thought she was getting everything. I was planning on a homeless shelter..it didnt go that way thank God. I was scared and felt hopeless and helpless just like you... it will work out either way...so put your feelings and fears aside for a bit. Look in Nurtured Heart Approach as to how to react.

[rich4j]

Rick/Azzork/LITB

Thx all for your kind advice. Not leaving the house (yet)...unless its part of our agreement but don't think I want to anyway

Even if it costs me a ton year 1 as its just too much for me to handle right now.

Whats the Nurtured Heart approach?