I firmly believe life isn't about getting what we want. It's about wanting what we get. It's easy to think we're different, we're special, we deserve getting what we want. But to me this is the line of thinking that makes us miserable and through us our partners as well. When we can truly be not just ok, but great, with whatever comes our way, that's success in my book.
Zues, I always appreciate your perspective and what you have to say. This ^ right here.... is the essence of "Thy Will be done". ;-) Always a good reminder. How easy it is to get lost and forget that. Sorry for any hijack...just wanted to see how ya'll were!
Me: 42, H: 38 Married: 12 years (second M for me) 14D, 9D 2015 EA (PA??), porn addict, *pastor/counselor* MLC
At a counselor, he said he wanted the marriage but not to work on himself w/a IC. Piecing?
Zues, very insightful and thought provoking as your posts usually are. I am glad that you are in a "good place" now and I appreciate so much that you take the time to share your story and your insights. You are helping a lot of people.
I am beginning to understand more completely how little control we have over anything other than our own behavior. Letting go is probably the most difficult thing I have ever done. I also think it is the most loving. My H says he doesn't want a D. But he doesn't trust me to change enough to come home. I can't fight that. So I won't. I will just focus on me and what I have to change in my behavior to make me happy without him. Its painful, but it is getting easier.
I'm realizing that when I was happiest I had a "whatever happens, happens" attitude. Not that I didn't have goals and work to reach them, but I really didn't stress about the perfect outcome. I used to enjoy the journey. I'm learning to get back to that.
Not about getting what we want, but wanting what we get. I kind of understand. The first part, not getting what we want, is easier for me to stomach. The second part, wanting what we get...that's where I feel the fight. But I guess if you feel you can't want what you get, you can just go on another journey. You don't have to settle.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
Thank you guys. I appreciate you reading and sharing. You all help me so much. I don't feel lonely when I get to talk to you all.
I just woke up and I had a dream, it actually involved my first girl friend. In the dream we agreed to reconcile. I'll spare how it played out, but the point was we both knew we had made mistakes and could have done much better, and we wanted the chance to try.
Divorce is a funny thing. I am actually in a very calm and still place when I say this, it isn't a rant...I am still surprised this is something that's done and considered normal. I remember a humor columnist, I think Dave Barry, writing about how to reassure scared kids during a thunderstorm. He says you have to just explain to kids what's going on so it takes out the mystery and fear of the unknown, so just sit them down and tell them "Kids, there is nothing to be scared of, lightning is nothing more than gigantic bolts of electricity that can come flying out of the sky at any moment and kill you..." When you think about it it's absolutely insane. Divorce looks equally crazy. People literally get frustrated and pull the plug on a marriage.
The sad part is it's so normal most people don't even see the problem. Parading some new person around your family and your holiday dinner table, "yeah, Zues didn't work out, emotionally abusive ya'know, incompatible you know, this is OM, just act like we're married and roll with it" and the family is like "yup, we get it, we left our partners too, yup, incompatibility, it happens..."
It is really nice to be in a calm, safe, happy place and still believe this. I don't believe I'm speaking out of hurt or anger. I really believe this isn't what we're here to do. In the past I've compared D to slavery. We look at it now and it just seems horrible that we treated each other that way, but for a long time it was just part of our culture. Guys, we can't change the world, but we get to cast our vote and influence. Good for you for standing for your marriage. It is important. It makes Zuessy happy to know you are out there. It is a long road. While I didn't R only recently has most of the anger left. So slow down, take your time, don't burn bridges or rebound, it is truly worth it to reach a state of true calm and acceptance. That is your job. And parenting your kids. Don't react to the pain. Use it to become a better person, don't run. As I always say, you can't expect your WAS to act on beliefs rather than feelings if you can't do it yourself.
Good day yesterday. I played a pool tournament. I felt really unprepared. For 23 years I've had a table at home to practice on, since BD I haven't and due to what I've had on my plate I haven't been able to put in any time or work. As a result my confidence is low, and I'm just a hair off. I got a good draw my first round and found myself down 8-3 going to 10. But I knew I was in the match, and I got the opportunity I needed, then went on a little tear and won 6 in a row to go up 9-8. It went 9-9, and nerves showed up, we both made mistakes but I ended up winning it. My second match was with a tough player, he pushed me hard and that is what I needed. He had me 6-5, then I won 5 in a row to win 10-6...but at this point I was playing really well, feeling like my old self. He pushed me right into the zone. I ended up reaching the finals again, same as two weeks ago, against- the same player that beat me two weeks ago. Again, we are good friends and actually 'chop' in these tournaments, meaning split the money. But we play them out for the audience, and we both try to win. It's tough, he's such a good player, he really is better than me and plays absolutely world class, and when he starts running tables it looks like no one could ever beat him...but in pool it doesn't matter who your opponent is when you're at the table, and I stayed pretty zoned, and ended up getting across the finish line.
It feels good to win, it feels good to trance out and play like that. I'm not a world champion, but I have some amazing gifts and can enjoy my journey even if it doesn't take me to the hall of fame. I am still really zoned out, and that is nice too. I don't feel disconnected from my emotions, just very still and present. Such a good spot, I appreciate the peace and clarity that's been coming to me.
Today won't be much fun. Dishes, bills, laundry, and work. Ug. Yesterday was so fun I just want to play some more. But such is life. Gotta make it happen and take care of the kiddos. Oh, and make the money to get that place with a pool table in July...I can't wait for that. Seriously guys. I was at my best friend's house on Friday night practicing on his 9 foot pool table to warm up for this tournament, and I said "I know this sounds super cliche, but between your functioning marriage and you having a pool table, I'm more jealous of the pool table..." This is a bit of a joke, anyone here that knows me knows I value marriage, so it's not that I don't...but I'm more connected with pool than I can explain, it practically runs through my veins, and having a table to hit balls on when I feel like it, well, it's my craft, my art, and I really like playing. Last night when I played the finals I put a bunch of Beatles songs in the jukebox, nothing more sublime than smoothing a ball down a rail into a 4 1/4" pocket while threading the cueball through a window and landing perfectly for the next shot in time to John Lennon singing "ta-aking my ti-ime" in 'I'm only sleeping'. Honestly, my life just doesn't get better.
Thanks again for sharing the road guys. Peace to all. It is coming.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
On a weekend when I am struggling mightily for my STBX and family this helped me alot re=reading
_________________________ Me-48 Spouse-WAW 52 Married for 10 years D7 ILYBNILWY 7/15 Suspect EA/PA 12/15 No confirmation/denial She files 1/2016 Working towards the Big D ...still in progress....
Hey you! Just offering a wink and nudge and thank you. You know why. Jelly xxx
Hey JB! Replying with a casual nod and eyebrow raise, a playful 'that hurt', and a 'you're most very welcome'. I think I do if it involves quoting your post. If not please fill me in so I know what I'm responding too
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
