It is sad that DB'ing has a terrible batting average. Most situations end in D. I guess I'm a "success" story but here's the God's honest truth. If I could go back in time to when the affair was exposed to me, I'd walk away and never look back. Now I feel like I've made such an investment that even though I'll never trust her 100% for the rest of my life I've committed to "good enough". In this cynical world we live in today I guess "good enough" isn't so bad. I have serious doubts that any married couple gets back to great after such a severe betrayal as infidelity. If both spouses claim they have there is a good chance one or both is lying. How do I know this? Because when people tell us how great it is that we worked it out and ask me how we're doing I always reply "we're great, never better" when that's not true. It'll never be like it was. Never.
Zues, just want to say hello and let you know I am still following you. I am quiet lately, but still here. Things are peaceful. I am on my journey. You are awesome and I always am inspired by your posts. Peace to you and you are awesome.
Odd day. I've skimmed through and seen a number of posts from different people talking about how they're ready to be done, ready to file, ready to end the 'limbo'.
Everyone's on their own journey so I won't post there. I'll post here. My purpose here is to truth dart anyone on the verge of making negative life changing decisions.
I get that some of this is blowing off steam, just voicing the feelings. Venting. Totally fine. That's one of the reasons we're here.
As for actually ending a marriage, I just want to point one thing out. My XW must have felt that she fought for our marriage and stood by it for a long time. She must have in the end been sick of the struggle and the conflict and the limbo. She made the decision that we weren't right for each other and the abatement of conflict would be worth any price.
What's funny is all these positive comments about who I am on this forum. I am the same man that my XW felt wasn't marriage material. She may never look back and realize who I am or what she's lost. But I know. And I cannot be replaced. Because of who I am. Because I was her husband. Because I was the father of her children. Because we were supposed to be together. You can eliminate some conflict, you can take the path of least resistance, but you cannot replace your spouse. And paying for an end to some conflict with divorce is like ending a headache by shooting yourself.
Then I hear this talk and I wonder...how many here are actually WASs? How many people will end their marriage and spend the rest of their life convinced they had no choice, it was their partner, they tried everything, their spouse just wasn't good enough, they didn't even have a marriage?
Well, if you are married you do have a marriage. And your spouse is capable of change, or you are capable of changing and appreciating the marriage you have. This is the 'for worse'. You can either compare your marriage at its worst to the fantasy relationship you feel entitled to, or you can do your part in the marriage. Part of that may be detaching, moving forward, and setting boundaries. But no part of that is ending a marriage. If there is OP you make the call, if there's physical abuse, please protect yourself. If not, you don't get to quit. Well, you do, you can do whatever you'd like. Let's just be clear that you'd be choosing to get divorced because you feel you deserve more than your partner is giving you at this moment in time.
Some will debate this and explain why their sitch is different, that's fine, it's an open forum and a free country. But if you're looking for agreement you'd be better off tracking down my XW.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
I am compelled to respond because I think this post is particularly helpful to my situation. I was trying to figure out why I am so responsive to your posts... I think the real reason is because you are the voice of that little angel on the right side of my shoulder. As opposed to my friends and family that take on that devil voice.
Thank you for speaking out for the less popular choice.
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
If not, you don't get to quit. Well, you do, you can do whatever you'd like. Let's just be clear that you'd be choosing to get divorced because you feel you deserve more than your partner is giving you at this moment in time.
Ah....I would like my STBX to hear that message loud and clear. She says to stop telling her she decided to leave...I left years ago. But she is quitting on me now because she feels she deserves better/more.
So I ask what is that? She goes to the negative of calling out this episode where I did this or didn't do that and wasn't there for her. There are 2 in a relationship and you have to take onwership of what you did and can improve if you are given the chance. It takes 2 to tango...or you dance alone which is where alot of us are at.
_________________________ Me-48 Spouse-WAW 52 Married for 10 years D7 ILYBNILWY 7/15 Suspect EA/PA 12/15 No confirmation/denial She files 1/2016 Working towards the Big D ...still in progress....
I've never posted on your thread, Zues. I felt compelled to reach out to thank you for all the truth darts you've put out there for all of us to read. I keep many of your phrases and ideologies written down as a reminder for what a marriage should be. Returning to those key ideas always helps me when I'm feeling ready to throw in the towel. Thank you for the time and thoughtful energy you've put into this board.
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
If there is OP you make the call, if there's physical abuse, please protect yourself. If not, you don't get to quit. Well, you do, you can do whatever you'd like. Let's just be clear that you'd be choosing to get divorced because you feel you deserve more than your partner is giving you at this moment in time.
I would suggest to add emotional abuse to your exceptions list - it's no less damaging than physical abuse, and often even harder to break away from.
It's important to know that abuse victims usually don't acknowledge the abuse. They excuse it and call it something else. It may have been introduced so gradually that they didn't catch on. They may have been used to it from childhood. Or they may not have encountered it before and don't recognize it for what it is. They can be the ones who work the hardest to save the M.
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
Zeus thank you for that post. It is inspiring. I teach my wrestlers (my youngest stepson is one of them) that as long as there is time on the clock you keep wrestling!!! I see this as no different. We all made a pact with our spouses, till death do us part, I intend to follow through on that as long as I am able. Just as I do not want to see my stepson give up in a match, I do not want him to see me give up on his mom!
Me 41 W 33 M 2013 Suspect A 11/15 Confirm A 1/16 She moved out 2/14/16 Stepson 13 Stepson 16
The thank you is for what you give. Nothing to do with me.