I'm going to eat dinner at my moms tonight with my friend. She stayed in touch with my mom even after we were not together anymore but they haven't seen or heard from each other in many years. I'm sure it will be a hoot!
M: 39 W:38 D: 11 S: 7 T: 18 M:13 I suspect problem: 8/15 ILYB: 9/15 Never quit on love I ask her to leave:10/15
I love that you spent time with someone else. It shows that you can exist without WW.
Is it easier to be lonely or to be living with a WW? Coin flip? At least when you're lonely you can find something to occupy your time, on your wish list, vs. having the wayward always hovering.
Will WW know you were with her? Is the plan to just keep it on the down-low?
M46, EXWW46 M15 T17 D20, S19, D13 M - Addiction since 1998 W EA/PA #1 2013/2014 W EA #2 June 2015... BD 1 Big D talk 9/15 BD 2 - EA/PA disc 10/30/15 Served D 1/22/16 Divorced 5/25/16 (yes, that fast!)
I definitely don't regret spending time with her, she is a lot of fun and we shared so many old memories. I'm certainly not going to try to hide anything from anyone (other than the kids maybe), so I'm sure she will know eventually. If it sparks some jealousy or sense of loss WW may try to move closer to me but she will have a ton of work to do before we can even think about R. This was not my intention at all, it was a coincedence that we reconnected. Funny how things can turn out sometimes, WW knows her from back in the day. I actually split with this girl to be with WW. Go figure
M: 39 W:38 D: 11 S: 7 T: 18 M:13 I suspect problem: 8/15 ILYB: 9/15 Never quit on love I ask her to leave:10/15
I'm going to eat dinner at my moms tonight with my friend. She stayed in touch with my mom even after we were not together anymore but they haven't seen or heard from each other in many years. I'm sure it will be a hoot!
Good stuff. Life is for the living. You're alive so get to living.
We did have a blast last night. We grilled some huge porterhouse steaks and talked and laughed until late. My mom and my friend were right back at it like they had never lost touch. Good times.
M: 39 W:38 D: 11 S: 7 T: 18 M:13 I suspect problem: 8/15 ILYB: 9/15 Never quit on love I ask her to leave:10/15
I'm a lucky man, I have the kids all week every week. I get to wake up and get them ready for school everyday and pick them up in the afternoons. It's just been here lately on the weekends that they have been doing separate things. It's dance competition season for D and she is out of town with WW most weekends and me and S do cubscout events usually. I haven't contacted WW for almost four weeks now. She sometimes texts me about the kids schedules or to talk to them in the morning, but I don't speak to her unless absolutely necessary. She is holding out longer than I ever thought she would. Take it easy.
M: 39 W:38 D: 11 S: 7 T: 18 M:13 I suspect problem: 8/15 ILYB: 9/15 Never quit on love I ask her to leave:10/15
It seems the only strong connection between you and your wife right now is the children. How are they holding up? Have you given any thought to how long you'll live in limbo. I have my son's graduation as a finish line. When I get to that point I will have to fish or cut bait. It's easy now, survive but no hard decisions. Do you struggle with the choice?
I wish that were true, the truth is I still love her dearly and want to leave the possibility of R open. So far the kids have done well. They see us both everyday in some form or fasion. WW just hangs around until they get ready for bed then off she goes. I suppose I have already made the choice to not live in limbo, hence my recent interactions with my old girlfriend. I consider this a form of GAL with the gals. As far as I am concerned, as long as she doesn't pursue divorce neither will I. All of this mess was her decision and hers to clean up. I am not bitter about her choices anymore because I have realized that I can't decide what is right for her just as she can't decide what's right for me. As long as we both do right by the kids, us adults have to live with the choices we make.
M: 39 W:38 D: 11 S: 7 T: 18 M:13 I suspect problem: 8/15 ILYB: 9/15 Never quit on love I ask her to leave:10/15
This saturday WW texted me saying she thought I was leaving S with my mom too much on the weekends. He has only stayed over a couple of times in the past month. She said something like I need the first option to take him if you don't want him. I called her and said that I have been taking care of the kids pretty much on my own and felt like it was going fine. I said that the kids enjoy spending time with their grandmother. She is worried that my mom is talking bad about her to the kids. So I told her that we need to agree on a schedule if this is going to be a problem. She has been avoiding this since the beginning.
M: 39 W:38 D: 11 S: 7 T: 18 M:13 I suspect problem: 8/15 ILYB: 9/15 Never quit on love I ask her to leave:10/15
Now I'm wondering what she is trying to accomplish with her attitude about the kids staying with my mom. In case you haven't caught up on my sitch my mom saw WW out at a bar with OM. Mom has been very angry towards WW since. While she wouldn't show this around the kids, I'm afraid WW is going to try to use this against her as far as watching the kids is concerned. Do you all think I should just let it be for now or be more assertive about having the kids stay with my mom occasionally ?
M: 39 W:38 D: 11 S: 7 T: 18 M:13 I suspect problem: 8/15 ILYB: 9/15 Never quit on love I ask her to leave:10/15
I've been hanging out with my old girlfriend pretty much every day for the past week. We have had a load of fun. She introduced me to some of her friends this past Sunday. They live on a lake nearby and took us out on their big cigarette boat for a ride around the lake. It was the fastest I have ever gone on the water, and I've been on a lot of boats. We hung out there and had bloody Mary's until the game started. Now there are several other women asking her about me and one of them texting me regularly. It's nice to get the attention from the ladies but I'm really not all that interested in entering a steady relationship for awhile, not to mention I'm still married. Besides that, I have met some really interesting men, most of whom are in the same or similar business as I am and could potentially push some much needed work my way. I know most of the advice here steers us away from opposite sex company but I suppose I'm a bit of a rebel sometimes and I have made it abundantly clear that I am nowhere near ready for anything serious.
M: 39 W:38 D: 11 S: 7 T: 18 M:13 I suspect problem: 8/15 ILYB: 9/15 Never quit on love I ask her to leave:10/15
As far as your mother watching the kids, this is what I would do, I would ask your mother to please not bad mouth your wife to the kids. That would not be fair to the kids, I would ask your wife to trust you and your mother will taking good care of the kids. I think there's nothing wrong with the the kids hang out with their grandmother. As you said, your still married and bad mouthing your wife makes everyone's live harder and gets you nothing.
As far as you lady friends go I would remind you that just because you plow the field doesn't mean you have to plant the seed.
Agreed, I am not one to mince words with anyone and my wife knows this. She is basically jabbing wildly trying to hit the button that gets the reaction she wants. I am not going to fall into that trap. Thank you for your always sound advice. How's the welding class progressing?
M: 39 W:38 D: 11 S: 7 T: 18 M:13 I suspect problem: 8/15 ILYB: 9/15 Never quit on love I ask her to leave:10/15
We're doing vertical stick welding with 1/8" 6010 rods. It's going fine. I'm happy to learn it but not sure I'll ever use stick. In about a month we get to TIG. I envision using MIG and TIG in my work.
2, I'm scared, my marriage is over and it doesn't look like there's a way to fix it. She just has no interest in me. It's hard to accept that it's over.
Mu, brother, friend, I have to tell you something that may come across harsh. Fear in any form is extremely unattractive. This fear is not real sir. Fear and happiness are cousins of sorts, in that both are created from within. Please do not confuse fear with insecurity, both of which will only serve to drive you two further apart. I will not accept the "all hope is lost" attitude. There is enough of that out in the world, we must continue to find peace within ourselves.
M: 39 W:38 D: 11 S: 7 T: 18 M:13 I suspect problem: 8/15 ILYB: 9/15 Never quit on love I ask her to leave:10/15
The day has finally come, WW says she wants to talk. There is no school today and the kids are off doing things with friends. I won't see WW until later this evening when she gets off work and I'm not sure what exactly she is ready to talk about. Could be divorce, could be schedules, could be reconciliation. I don't have any expectations. Since I have been NC with her she seems to want to be around more and seems anxious for me to initiate contact. This will be the first time since BD that she has asked me to talk. Should I just listen and validate or try to engage more deeply since it was her that asked to talk?
If she says she is ready to work on our MR how should I respond? If she says she is ready to divorce how should I respond?
I agree with sandi2 about being careful not to let them back in too easily. She will have to put in a lot of work to convince me she is ready to be in a committed relationship with me.
I am not ready to move ahead with D right now either, so I'm not sure how to deal with her if this is what she wants.
M: 39 W:38 D: 11 S: 7 T: 18 M:13 I suspect problem: 8/15 ILYB: 9/15 Never quit on love I ask her to leave:10/15
You don't have to reply to anything.You can listen and validate and get back to her after you have thought it through. Regardless of what she discusses keep your emotions in check and be positive in attitude.
I'll let the vets advise you on the specifics.
Good luck. And NO expectations..... good or bad.
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
I will do that, just listen and validate. I had IC this morning and she asked me if I was prepared for our talk. I told her that I was not going to get angry or defensive and just make every effort to let her speak and validate how she says she feels. IC also agrees with this approach so that made me feel better. She asked me if I would get emotional if WW says she wants to D. I said that I probably would to a certain extent but will practice my breathing technique if it gets too noticeable .
M: 39 W:38 D: 11 S: 7 T: 18 M:13 I suspect problem: 8/15 ILYB: 9/15 Never quit on love I ask her to leave:10/15
Well it didn't go too good at all. She is getting tired of staying with her mother and wants to get an apartment. She also says she wants to get divorced and move on. I listened and agreed to everything she was saying and continued on with what I was doing . I'll never understand how she can just give up with no effort to try to work on our MR. When she finished talking about getting D I told her that it wasn't what I wanted and I was willing to work on it before giving up. She was sort of smiling/crying as we talked. I told her I needed some time to think about things and I left. I won't go back home until Friday.
M: 39 W:38 D: 11 S: 7 T: 18 M:13 I suspect problem: 8/15 ILYB: 9/15 Never quit on love I ask her to leave:10/15
I am so sorry to read this. Thornton is right about it not being a done deal. Process the emotions your feeling. Is MC an option? Did she sound like she would maybe try to work on it? Is there any wiggle room in her position?
One thing she said during our conversation was she hoped we could stay friends. I said that there was no way I would be her friend after all of this. I choose my friends based on how they treat me and others and based on the way she is treating everyone right now I would not be anywhere close to being her friend. I have read this scenario countless times about WW wanting to remain friends and I just can't see that being possible right now.
She also said she didn't want to sell the house, which to me means she still wants to continue remaining tied together longer. I really don't want to sell either since I built it myself and know what it's worth. But I don't want to remain tied together that way. She has proposed that we keep the house and rent an apartment and her and I switch off every week so the kids can remain in the same place. Sounds good on paper but I think it would prevent detaching even longer. Of course I never wanted any of this crap to begin with.
M: 39 W:38 D: 11 S: 7 T: 18 M:13 I suspect problem: 8/15 ILYB: 9/15 Never quit on love I ask her to leave:10/15
What are her issues? Has she discussed what has led her to feel this way? I'm sorry if you stated it before but I've forgotten. Is she willing to talk about it? How are you holding up? When will the kids find out?
I think I would have great difficulty divorcing and being friends with my ex wife. I would prefer to turn all the assets into cash and go our separate ways. You situation is not so straight forward because of the ages of you children. Hang in there buddy, your not dead yet.
Her issues? She says that she doesn't have the same feelings for me anymore. That I was always working while she took care of the kids and the household duties and it drove a wedge between us. She felt exhausted from bearing the brunt of the daily life. She also feels like she tried to work on things for the past couple of years to try and strengthen our relationship. Other than a letter she wrote saying that she wasn't happy about my drinking and my health, she never really opened up and talked about her feelings. At some point she decided she didn't feel " in love" with me and stepped outside our vows. Personally I think it is an excuse for her behavior because we have always had a good friendship and worked together to achieve our goals. I don't know anymore, she has convinced herself of these things and right now that is all that matters.
M: 39 W:38 D: 11 S: 7 T: 18 M:13 I suspect problem: 8/15 ILYB: 9/15 Never quit on love I ask her to leave:10/15
She has proposed that we keep the house and rent an apartment and her and I switch off every week so the kids can remain in the same place. Sounds good on paper but I think it would prevent detaching even longer.
You are right, plus it gets very old very quickly. A couple cannot move forward when they are going by this type of plan. After all, divorcing means going your separate ways. And she's wanting to keep the kids in the home while the two of you swap out? She is so out of touch with what D really looks like.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I don't think she has any idea what D looks like either. Being a child of two nasty Ds, I can already see this type of approach wouldn't work. She thinks we can continue to coexist as friends, even as partners to some degree. This is not realistic at all.
I am going to keep on with what I have been doing and see if anything changes in the next week or so. If not I will modify my actions slightly and see what happens.
M: 39 W:38 D: 11 S: 7 T: 18 M:13 I suspect problem: 8/15 ILYB: 9/15 Never quit on love I ask her to leave:10/15
The year after my mother was shot she moved in with two old biker dudes. They were cool and had several vintage Harley's in the garage. The prize was a 48 pan head with the suicide shifter. Completely original down to the paint. It was coming up on Memorial Day that year and they invited us to go to Gulfport Mississippi for the top fuel Harley drag races. I was 16 my brother was 15 and the buddy we went with was 18. Back then you could buy alcohol at 18 in Louisiana. We took full advantage of this. It was about a 9 hour drive from our town to the races and we had to cross Louisiana to get there.
Once we arrived we had to check in to the camping area where all the hardcore bikers were staying. In order to get to the meet up site we had to go through a gauntlet that was known as pervert ally. So named for the bikers slowly meandering through with their old ladies on tha back flashing their.....well you know. Being three teenaged boys, we lingered a little longer than we should have and were checking out the completely unexpected debauchery.
One overzealous spectator ran up to one of these grizzly old bikers to try and get a closer look, he was met with an unapologetic fist straight to the chin. He dropped like he got shot with a sniper rifle. The next night me and my brother and our buddy were three sheets to the wind when they put on a wet tshirt contest, which immediately became a lets ee who can get naked the fastest contest. We wandered around the camp ground all night in drunken stupors until this tiny woman approached us and asked if we would be interested in buying sex from her. All this while her giant biker boyfriend was right behind her. Of course my brother said hell yeah we are interested!
We didn't have any more money, she wanted $20.00 apiece from us. When they figured out that we were broke the boyfriend got all uptight and started yelling at us about how they needed the money and whatnot. Well he was old and we were young so we bolted and got back to our tent for the rest of the night. We spent the next two days dodging that guy while we watched the drag races and topless biker women to our hearts content. We got back home that Monday night around midnight and got up and went to school the next morning. Obviously, no one believed the tales we had to tell.
Guess I'll leave it here for now.....
M: 39 W:38 D: 11 S: 7 T: 18 M:13 I suspect problem: 8/15 ILYB: 9/15 Never quit on love I ask her to leave:10/15
She is ready to move forward with the divorce. We have discussed dividing our simple finances and how we are going to handle the house. I am of the opinion that the honorable thing to do is let her stay at the house with the kids and pay out half of the equity to me over an agreed amount of time. She wants to work out a 50 - 50 custody arrangement and isn't looking for any child support other than helping with the kids' extracurricular activities.
I still can't believe or understand how this happened completely, and I always promised myself that I would never put my kids in this type of situation. I'm not done yet and we still have a minimum of 60 days before anything could be final, but we'll see. Thanks to everyone here for the continued support.
M: 39 W:38 D: 11 S: 7 T: 18 M:13 I suspect problem: 8/15 ILYB: 9/15 Never quit on love I ask her to leave:10/15
I like the house deal but I wouldn't remove my name off the title until I was paid in full. The kid deal is good too. Can she carry the house, pay you off and pay her half of the child expenses?
It's been a minute since I updated here. Now WW is undecided again. She has agreed to give it more time and see how things develop. I take it as a good sign right now.
M: 39 W:38 D: 11 S: 7 T: 18 M:13 I suspect problem: 8/15 ILYB: 9/15 Never quit on love I ask her to leave:10/15
That is such good news buddy. I am so happy for you. If you can make it work it would be great for everyone especially the kids. Keep me in the loop, I rooting for you.
I went to welding class last night and it was the first night of overhead. I had one of those nights where I couldn't do anything wrong. It felt great. We had to do 6010, 7014 and 7018. It all looked good, the 6010 even looked pretty.
All it takes is practice and patience, both welding and DBing. I'm still hoping for the best. Thank you for the encouragement. I have been really busy so haven't had much time to post. Take care.
M: 39 W:38 D: 11 S: 7 T: 18 M:13 I suspect problem: 8/15 ILYB: 9/15 Never quit on love I ask her to leave:10/15
Not much new going on, just her flip flopping. She is back to wanting D. I'm about ready now myself. I just hate to think about the kids and how they will handle this.
M: 39 W:38 D: 11 S: 7 T: 18 M:13 I suspect problem: 8/15 ILYB: 9/15 Never quit on love I ask her to leave:10/15
Thanks for the update 2lt2lt. You've had some amazing journeys.
Keep checking in. Why does she flip flop?
M46, EXWW46 M15 T17 D20, S19, D13 M - Addiction since 1998 W EA/PA #1 2013/2014 W EA #2 June 2015... BD 1 Big D talk 9/15 BD 2 - EA/PA disc 10/30/15 Served D 1/22/16 Divorced 5/25/16 (yes, that fast!)
My wife wants a divorce, 100%, she will not consider anything else. It $ucks, it hurts but after a 1 1/2 years I the sword hanging over my head is gone. All thats left is the dance of the vampires. Do you know the way to Santa Fe my brother. Now I have to really examine where I want to go, a little of me wants to go to Colorado. I love the high elevation desert. Time will reveal my path.
Sorry about your wife, being on the fence $ucks. Keep posting
Good morning all. Been awhile since my last post. We're still in limbo, she hasn't done anything towards D that I know of and neither have I. I have moved out of the house and let her stay with the kids. I know that is against the advice here but I felt like it was the right thing to do for the kids. I see them all the time still and WW has been very easy to work with as far as schedules are concerned. I see a lot of new names on here and wish everyone the best. I will keep checking back periodically.
Hey Mr. Mu! I'm so sorry to hear that. Well at least you know now, anything is better than limbo. One of these days we need to meet up in person. Good luck
M: 39 W:38 D: 11 S: 7 T: 18 M:13 I suspect problem: 8/15 ILYB: 9/15 Never quit on love I ask her to leave:10/15
So I find out last week that WW lost her job over a month ago and didn't think it was important enough to tell me about it. I wouldn't care except that she had all of us on her insurance and as of right now our kids are uninsured. Now I have to put my business on hold and get a job myself. Nothing surprises me anymore.
M: 39 W:38 D: 11 S: 7 T: 18 M:13 I suspect problem: 8/15 ILYB: 9/15 Never quit on love I ask her to leave:10/15
I'm so sorry to hear about WW, and your loss of insurance. Can you get COBRA from her work in the meantime?
M46, EXWW46 M15 T17 D20, S19, D13 M - Addiction since 1998 W EA/PA #1 2013/2014 W EA #2 June 2015... BD 1 Big D talk 9/15 BD 2 - EA/PA disc 10/30/15 Served D 1/22/16 Divorced 5/25/16 (yes, that fast!)
Wow, it has been over a year now since I have posted anything here. Well much has happened. I am actually back in the marital home and still maintain 50/50 custody with WW. I ended up filing for divorce this past March myself because she was dragging her feet on every single thing. We have agreed to no child support and I will pay her for her half of the equity in the home. Our court date is set for early December so I will keep posting updates as we near the date.
M: 39 W:38 D: 11 S: 7 T: 18 M:13 I suspect problem: 8/15 ILYB: 9/15 Never quit on love I ask her to leave:10/15
Wow, sorry you had to file. How are you doing? How are the kids? Are you still standing?
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Thanks for stopping by friend. I am doing ok, I have a new girlfriend that is very supportive of my situation. The kids are great, they are adjusting well to their new reality, I couldn't be more proud of them. As far as me standing for my marriage goes I would say that I have been more than patient and more than understanding considering the horror show she has put us through. I reached several lines in the sand that I never thought I would and kept moving them back. It is now time that I move forward and restore the balance and self respect that my children and I deserve. I am hoping for the best for you and your situation.
M: 39 W:38 D: 11 S: 7 T: 18 M:13 I suspect problem: 8/15 ILYB: 9/15 Never quit on love I ask her to leave:10/15
I met with my lawyer today to go over the final decree that her lawyer had prepared. We are going with joint custody and no child support ( woohoo!!) and we have already separated our finances and personal assets ( by virtue of her moving out) so I will have to pay her for her half of the equity in the house. In the decree she stipulated that I could pay her out over seven years without interest with the following conditions: in which case I would have to pay her in full: 1. Sale of the house 2. Refinancing of the house 3. Remarriage 4. Cohabitation with a person of the opposite gender
Now, the first two are perfectly reasonable but the other two just seem spiteful if not controlling. Even my lawyer thought it was simply emotional to include these conditions. I'm just looking for some other opinions/ insights on this.
Thanks
M: 39 W:38 D: 11 S: 7 T: 18 M:13 I suspect problem: 8/15 ILYB: 9/15 Never quit on love I ask her to leave:10/15
I don't see what either one has to do with me paying her for her part of the house. Everything else has been so cut and dry only business. I'm going to think about it
M: 39 W:38 D: 11 S: 7 T: 18 M:13 I suspect problem: 8/15 ILYB: 9/15 Never quit on love I ask her to leave:10/15
Well, I believe her offer to let you pay her back over time is some kind of concession she's made to you, so that you don't have to suffer under some kind of lump sum. For the first two, you'd obviously be getting access to money all at once, so it makes sense for you to pay her the balance at that point.
I see condition 3 as part financial and part punitive. On the financial side, if you're re-married, your new W will be able to contribute to the house payments, so there's no need for your XW to offer this concession to you. On the punitive side, F you, you've got a new W and your XW will not finance your new life together. Now that I think about it, this also acts as a disincentive for you to actually remarry, since it will put a burden on you to come up with the remainder of the amount at the time of your wedding. Hmmm.
Condition 4 is pretty-much all punitive. You could argue there's a small financial aspect, where your new GF would be contributing to house payments.
Anyway, that's my take. Hope it helps a little.
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
That's what I thought too. I've talked to STBX since and we are working on rewording some of this and a few other details that I had issues with. Although it would wipe out most of my retirement savings, I'm thinking about paying her the full amount right after the D is final.
M: 39 W:38 D: 11 S: 7 T: 18 M:13 I suspect problem: 8/15 ILYB: 9/15 Never quit on love I ask her to leave:10/15
Although it would wipe out most of my retirement savings, I'm thinking about paying her the full amount right after the D is final.
Hmmm. I'm not sure that's a good idea. Why not accept her ridiculous conditions on the house for the time being, and then if you get to conditions 3 or 4, you can use your retirement savings at that point?
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
Four years later and I reread my posts here. So much has changed and so much has stayed the same. I’m remarried now to my first high school sweetheart that I wrote about in my early posts. Crazy how much has happened since the dark days of limbo with my ex. I appreciate all of the advice and kind words from everyone here and hope for the best for all.
M: 39 W:38 D: 11 S: 7 T: 18 M:13 I suspect problem: 8/15 ILYB: 9/15 Never quit on love I ask her to leave:10/15
Welcome back! You say you're remarried but don't say how it's going? Did you do the work to properly deal with any emotional baggage from your first marriage? Or did you carry that into the new one?
This kind of perspective can be extremely beneficial to those dealing with the end of their MR.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Just read through your entire sitch. I think it's great you came back for an update because for me (and I assume others) it's always so great to see the longer view of these sitches instead of it just falling off after R or D.
You must be 45ish now and D17 and S13? How have your kids managed through it all? How is your marriage with your HS girlfriend (assume that's the widow with a kid of her own you started seeing)? Any contact with your ExW? How's she acting these days...any attempts to R, has she gotten more reasonable parenting?
Also...incredible stories from your childhood and growing up. You certainly have life experiences most don't. Sorry you had to go through all that stuff with your parents. moving around in bad situations. Did you ever discuss your path with your IC and how that might impacts your relationships?
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
Been married for three and a half years now and I couldn’t be happier. My new wife and my Ex actually knew each other back in the day and have been somewhat amicable so far. As far as the emotional baggage and doing the hard work on myself goes I would have to say that it is a continuous improvement process that really doesn’t have an ending. I have been to the darkest lows of my life during the early days of my situation with my ex but through the strength of my children and the support of my friends and family and my new wife I feel really good about where I am today. My perspective has shifted from the days when I was a regular here and I suspect that most people’s will over this amount of time. At first many people are floundering not knowing what direction to go and end up on a forum like this looking for some magical tactic to save their marriage when the truth is that nothing you can do will change anyone’s mind about what they are going to do, the only thing we can do is change ourselves and change for the better. One thing that has really stuck with me throughout all of the advice that is generously offered here is that you have been given a gift, a gift of time. Use it wisely.
M: 39 W:38 D: 11 S: 7 T: 18 M:13 I suspect problem: 8/15 ILYB: 9/15 Never quit on love I ask her to leave:10/15
I actually married the other girl from my earlier story. She and I had lost touch for about 20 years and she turned out to be a very sweet person. She never married and never had children. She believes that God had a plan for her to wait until I came back around. You are correct on our ages now. My son and my wife are getting along very well but my D17 has begun rebelling against her and I and wanted to stay with her mother for a while so I agreed to support her decision. Teenage girls are an animal all their own. My ex has been dating a guy for a couple of years now, he is definitely a polar opposite of me. He can’t keep a job, has wrecked several vehicles since they have been together and is living rent free in my ex’s mother’s rent house. So I don’t really understand what she sees in the guy but what can you do? I have recently been able to pay her off for the half of the equity in our marital home and now live there with my wife and son. We have taken up beekeeping of all things and are really enjoying our new chapter. I’m sure my D17 will come around before too long and we can all try to move forward together. My relationship with my IC was a little unique that she was also my brother’s IC. Well court ordered IC and she turned out to be a very good one. The point is that she had about 3 years with my brother and counseling him before I ever even talked to her so she had quite a head start on how my ( our) childhood was. I believe that helped me tremendously in that I didn’t have to spend countless hours trying to explain these things to her, especially in a time when I was not particularly interested in dredging up the past but looking for some kind of help with my marriage. It’s funny how things can turn out sometimes
M: 39 W:38 D: 11 S: 7 T: 18 M:13 I suspect problem: 8/15 ILYB: 9/15 Never quit on love I ask her to leave:10/15
Amen. I have a D16 and it's interesting age simultaneously supporting their independence and nudging them in the preferred direction. At 17, I would probably choose the same as you--supporting her as she's almost an adult--but it must be tough to see her go. I'm glad you have enough trust in your ex to finish the job of raising your daughter well.
Originally Posted by 2lt2lt
he is definitely a polar opposite of me. He can’t keep a job, has wrecked several vehicles since they have been together and is living rent free in my ex’s mother’s rent house. So I don’t really understand what she sees in the guy but what can you do?
I'm definitely less financially stable and well-off than my GF's XH. My GF has her finances covered--she's looking for a deeper emotional and physical connection. If you both found people who better meet your needs, how great something positive came out of this and you're both stable parents.
Amen. I have a D16 and it's interesting age simultaneously supporting their independence and nudging them in the preferred direction. At 17, I would probably choose the same as you--supporting her as she's almost an adult--but it must be tough to see her go. I'm glad you have enough trust in your ex to finish the job of raising your daughter well.
Originally Posted by 2lt2lt
he is definitely a polar opposite of me. He can’t keep a job, has wrecked several vehicles since they have been together and is living rent free in my ex’s mother’s rent house. So I don’t really understand what she sees in the guy but what can you do?
I'm definitely less financially stable and well-off than my GF's XH. My GF has her finances covered--she's looking for a deeper emotional and physical connection. If you both found people who better meet your needs, how great something positive came out of this and you're both stable parents.
lol. Only Cws could look at her boyfriend as a positive lol.
So it has been a few more years since I have posted here. I have been working and raising my kids as best I can. My DD is a junior in college and got a scholarship in choir of all things. She is a very talented singer and musician. She aspires to be a high school music teacher and I am very proud of her. My DS is a senior in high school and has excelled academically to heights I never imagined. It’s looking like he will get a full ride to pretty much any school he chooses. Couldn’t be more proud. The ex and I have essentially been nothing more than business partners and nothing more. She has long since been over her midlife crisis and now she lives alone and just exists as far as I can tell. I wish the best for her and whatever she decides to do but I can’t have anything to do with her except for when dealing with the kids. My current wife and I have been married now for going on seven years! We are both looking forward to being empty nesters and moving out to the country. I truly thank everyone here for all the support throughout some of the toughest times in my life and encourage anyone that has found themselves in this horrible situation to read through others posts and learn from them that there is hope, there is life outside of the despair you may be feeling, and there are some amazing stories of rising above and beginning anew. Never give up and never give in.
M: 39 W:38 D: 11 S: 7 T: 18 M:13 I suspect problem: 8/15 ILYB: 9/15 Never quit on love I ask her to leave:10/15
It nice to see you pop in and sharing your rising above. At the start, one is just trying to survive their truly horrible time. And in time, one actually survives and thrives their situation; doing their inner work, becoming a better version of themselves.
I understand your pride in your kids. Congratulations! They have certainly reached some lofty goals. I hope they continue and work towards their aspirations.
And congrats on your relationship. Seven years! I found empty nesting to be, oddly, a welcomed stage of life. I suppose that indicates how comfortable and accepting one is, which I infer you are quite comfortable in your skin.
Hope you have a great weekend.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Its nice to hear this story after so many years of dealing with the situation many of us are fresher out of. Its a great way of knowing there is something to look forward to and a metaphorical light at the end of the tunnel. The reality is, we cannot change people and in the end we have to realize our value and worth. Many of us while we are knee deep in the mud, we never think or envision that there is someone better out there for us. The reality is there are broken people who cannot handle difficulties in life, unfortunately we become the collateral damage. Its nice to see your story and that youve found your happiness, i did not read your full thread but after a certain amount of posts here we begin seeing a pattern that replicates and repeats, almost like a template. Good luck and hopefully there will be more good fortune for you
Its nice to hear this story after so many years of dealing with the situation many of us are fresher out of. Its a great way of knowing there is something to look forward to and a metaphorical light at the end of the tunnel. The reality is, we cannot change people and in the end we have to realize our value and worth. Many of us while we are knee deep in the mud, we never think or envision that there is someone better out there for us. The reality is there are broken people who cannot handle difficulties in life, unfortunately we become the collateral damage. Its nice to see your story and that youve found your happiness, i did not read your full thread but after a certain amount of posts here we begin seeing a pattern that replicates and repeats, almost like a template. Good luck and hopefully there will be more good fortune for you
Thank you all for your replies. I will try to post an update more often if it will be helpful for others. I’m sure most people on here are not from the group or time period that I was while posting regularly but I hope that any advice or perspective helps.
M: 39 W:38 D: 11 S: 7 T: 18 M:13 I suspect problem: 8/15 ILYB: 9/15 Never quit on love I ask her to leave:10/15
