Time for a new direction

[mleigh4]

Thanks guys. I truly appreciate your validation with MIL. Job, I wonder the same exact thing. She is a very passive aggressive handful, much like H.

While S was taking his bath, we were chatting it up like usual and I asked him, did you ask Grammy to cut your bangs, cuz it is ok if you did. He actually got a bit upset, said Grammy told him either she is cutting his bangs or she is taking him to the barber.

Oh boy,I didn't expect that, but that was the last straw. I sent her message of what I heard. I told her if she can not promise me to respect my boundaries, I will be removing her from the list authorizing her to take S from school. No more Grammy day. Guess what I heard back.....Crickets! Lol. So like her son. I will not back down and am ready for the war this could bring on. H has always sided with mommy, never has backed up his wife, they can have each other as far as I am concerned.

I expected to hear it from H, but he showed no sign of knowing anything when I dropped off S. I did ask H if he could get S hair cleaned up to match his chopped bangs, but we promised S he can keep his hair long, just clean it up. I will talk with S, that if not with H or me, he can say no to any type of haircut.

Anyway, enough of the hair drama. I had a really fun day with my friends. I am pooped and ready for bed, just waiting for my dang cat to come home. It's too cold for her to stay out all night!

Have a good night friends, talk soon

Oh Bright, the crickets after answering a question...I get that all the time. It is very annoying. At times, I feel like doing the same back, then I decide, I want to be the better person, be true to who I am, and that is not a rude person. When I don't hear back, my smile gets bigger the next time I see H. He is making it all that much easier to cut the rope. His loss!

[job]

I had a feeling that is what your mil did. You will need to stick to your boundaries w/her or she'll continue to do it. I also do not think that the "written" word is going to do it. I do think it's going to have to be a face to face discussion because she's not going to listen to what you have to say even though he is your son. She's been "the top banana" in the family for a long time and she's not going to listen to you and let's face it, your h is a probably scared of her in his own way.

I'm glad you had a fun day w/your friends. You needed a break and it sounds like you did. I sure hope your cat returned home and is safe and sound sleeping in a warm home.

Enjoy your sunday!

[HaWho]

Mleigh - wow, Grammy certainly knows how to get her way in the world! Geez.

If she takes such liberties with other people's kids (I know it is her grandson but still, not her own child) just imagine the stuff she pulled on her own son. No wonder he is off in his own little world trying to figure out who he is. It doesn't sound like he was allowed to do that with her at the helm?

It makes me feel a lot of compassion for your h.

You are a good mom!

[Kyh]

mleigh, I've been following your thread and I feel for you on the MIL issue. Your MIL sounds very much like my mother who has caused issues with me and w. If she is anything similar what she has over your h is probably guilt. My mother is a master manipulator and could always somehow make me feel sorry for her and/or guilty even after I was distant enough that I would (still do) go weeks w/o speaking to my family. I haven't stood up for my w like I should have (never sided against her)and now she has a lot of resentment towards me.

I agree that written word won't stick. I've had to explain boundaries with my mother as if she were a teenager (didn't realized I was doing it at the time. Not just giving a boundary that a sane person would understand and would know without saying, but having to explain why she can't do X or X and why. One hard one was telling her she couldn't watch my kids and why but it woke her up a bit. I'm sorry your h won't work with you on this.

Don't take it personal they don't compliment you on anything. If it is anything like my situation they probably don't know how.

[mleigh4]

Ugh. I woke up from a terrible dream of H showing up to get something. So I asked him, are you taking the rest of your things? He said no and took something of mine. He had total shark eyes, a blank expression and would not look at me. I lost it and started beating on him, so much anger flowing out of me. I woke up and felt drained!

I then checked my email and received a lovely note from MIL. A very fake sorry, she didn't know it would be a problem, his bangs needed trimming, and upset that I would threaten taking away Grammy day because she trimmed his bangs. She felt it was all a bit much and added that she was sure H is fine with it.

I took my time this morning with my response, knowing H may end up seeing it. I was very clear that this is not the first time this has happened, that she knows I am not ok with it. I told her I appreciate her trying to help but some things are for the parents to decide. When my son does not want his hair cut, it is not up to her to decide he does. I said I have worked hard to build a whole new life for S and I, in spite of having the rug pulled out from under us, in spite of not knowing our future, in spite of H emotional issues, we have come out thriving. I suggested she step back and let her son be the amazing dad he is by letting him handle these types of things. I told her interfering and causing friction does not help. I finished with saying that I would love to accept Grammy day just being about her spending time with her grandson, and that it is great, as long as she can simply just enjoy her time with him and stop playing parent.

It actually felt good to get some stuff off my chest with her.

Makes me wonder though, I can't get along with my own mother or my mother in law, is it me???

Icky feelings in me this morning, it's time to enjoy the sunshine and shake them off!

[job]

It's not you. I would have been furious that she cut my son's bangs. As you pointed out, this is not the first time she's done this and if I recall, you've had this discussion before. I think what needs to take place is that if she's going to discuss the matter w/your h, then you and your h need to decide together about your son's hair cuts. Granny likes control. She may think she's helping you out, but it's about control She knew that if she cut them too short, then he would need to have his hair cut. Think about how that child might have felt going to school and being teased about it. That's not a good thing.

I wonder how she would have felt had you gone over and noticed a long hair and snipped an entire clump from the front of her head just trying to be helpful? She wouldn't have liked it.

If granny can't do as you have advised her, then granny day will not take place. Plain and simple. She needs to learn to learn that she can't parent other people's children and do what she likes w/the children, i.e., cutting their hair. That's not her job nor was she asked to do so. Stick to your boundary and maybe she'll think twice about this after a few weeks of not having granny day.

[mleigh4]

Bingo Hawho. I feel MIL is a big reason for her children's emotional problems, but she would never admit to that. It's sad that I feel a lot of animosity towards her, it's work for me to do, to keep her from having such a negative effect on me.

Thank you for the validation Job. It would be one thing if S wanted her to do it, but he didn't and that infuriates me. I know face to face could be better, but honestly, I write things out better and calmer, and she has a way of shutting down during emotional conversations. This may work better for us. I told her simply put, S did not want her to cut his hair or take him to the barber, and she did it anyway, and that is what I have a problem with. I told her I need to know she understands that was not right. If I get crickets, her name is off the pick up list.

Unfortunately, it's not just about the hair. She has been a big source of problems during our marriage. I am not saying it's all her fault, she has just been one to stir the pot with H. And unfortunately, he sides with his mom, he has never had a problem letting her play mom with our son. That is never helpful in a marriage.

I am done with this today. My friend is coming over shortly for a walk and I look forward to some fresh air. It's a beautiful day, one I will enjoy! Not much into the super bowl, so just plan on hanging out once my son comes home.

[mleigh4]

Hi KYH. Sounds very much like my husband with his mother. He did not stand up for me. My co-worker told me a similar situation. His mother was causing some issues between them and his wife finally told him, you either back me up as your wife or Go with your mother. He really didn't realize how much of a problem it was for his wife u.til she really spoke up.

I think my H feels this is all no big deal. I don't think he does it on purpose, he is just used to his parents making the rules. He doesn't know how to stand up for himself. I have learned to keep him out of it and deal directly with her. She is usually the one who runs to him, as the victim, from that big mean 5 foot 105 pound daughter in law! Lol. So pitiful.

[Kyh]

Mleigh, not trying to hijack your thread but since you're on the other end of a similar situation i wanted to ask. In regard to the mil issue, from your pov, is there anything your h could do besides apologize and take a stand with mil from herein?

[mleigh4]

Hi Kyh. I suppose there is really nothing to do to fix the past. I would love an apology, or at least, to know he would listen to my side, try to understand it and stand behind my view with her. It doesn't mean he sides with anyone, just support. If he could only accept and understand, decisions about S should be made by me and him, not his mother and him. But I would not want to put him in a position to choose sides, that is why I try to keep him out of it. I would love if he could help us to find a compromise, to at least care. To even ask me, what can I do to help? I just don't feel that from him. Hope that helps!

I took a 2 mile walk today. I still feel a little foggy but managing to get things done. H TM while I was walking and said S wants to show me how to shoot the bow and arrow. Fun! So I told him I would be over shortly. We all walked out into the field, S shot pretty well. H looked at me, mommy's turn? 180 for me, I said sure! H got behind me and showed me how to position the bow, I shot the target! Then daddy's turn. Was nice time spent together.

He had taken S to get his hair trimmed, as we had agreed yesterday. Said he washed dog too. I asked him why he didn't pick all the tanbark out of S jacket? He exclaimed, I already got stuck having to do things that S and dog hate! I laughed and rolled my eyes.

When leaving, H said he can't take 4 days off with us next week, but he would like to fly out and go to the safari park with us and stay a night. He said he could manage 2 days. Wow! I said sure, sounds good. I hope he follows through.

S, dog and I headed home. As soon as we got home, the blue angels flew over on their way to the Super Bowl, which is about 40 miles away. Awesome!!!

Job and Hawho, great point about S and I trimming her hair to look the way we think it should. I will use that if she continues to defend herself.

So, to end on a positive and good note. Someone had suggested I look back over the last couple of years and think about what has changed in the better with H:

No more shark eyes
He doesn't look at me like I am the enemy
He doesn't treat me like I am the enemy
He respects my boundaries in the house
He is working on his bond with S, and I am fully supporting it
He wants to spend family time
He is starting to join us on vacations

When I look at that, and I will continue to think of more, it helps me. Not saying I will not give up soon! But it certainly is progress. Something to think about.

I have been really busy, but hope to catch up on some of your posts soon! I am sorry if I have not been there for some of you!