Unfortunately, the LBH is limited when she is not living in the same house. I mean, once she is out from under his roof, she can pretty much do whatever she wants. If she's in an affair, she is dishonoring and disrespecting him, but they are already separated, so what else is there to do but maybe divorce.
I am sympathetic to parents who do not want their children around the affair partner. As a grandparent, I have had the sorrow of facing that situation, and it was hard. Unless the law says she cannot sleep with him while the minors are in the house, I don't know what the H could do about it. He might check to see what it would take to get a R.O. Someone else who has had experience in that area may be more helpful.
The sad truth is that once the couple separates, boundaries seldom come into the picture. The H can hold her feet to the fire about child care/visitation, and things of that sort. B/c she will take advantage if she thinks she can get away with it. He mainly needs to have something legal stating the days, etc., otherwise, it's just a source of argument.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks for the response Sandi. It definitely seems like there is not much I can do with her out of house. So what I am going to do is be the best dad I can to the kids. And be the best man I can be. If she sees it great. If not I can't care.
I do want to ask about if WW comes back. You said a stipulation would be to share a bed right off the bat? I can see positives and negatives from that. Not that I am expecting her back any time.
The person that you will spend the most time with in your life is yourself, so make yourself as interesting as possible.
Unfortunately, the LBH is limited when she is not living in the same house. I mean, once she is out from under his roof, she can pretty much do whatever she wants. If she's in an affair, she is dishonoring and disrespecting him, but they are already separated, so what else is there to do but maybe divorce.
What advice do you give for us in this sitch. My wife left 9 months ago but checked out long before that. Do you think divorce is the only way to go?
H 50 W 46 T 31 M 24 EA 11.11.15 PA not sure. Dx3 Separated 5.12.15 (not legally)
I do want to ask about if WW comes back. You said a stipulation would be to share a bed right off the bat? I can see positives and negatives from that. Not that I am expecting her back any time.
Yes, but again, this is not to say he should expect her to desire sex him right off the bat. I don't think he should push for that part right away. However, he should require her to share the same bed and present the opportunity for emotional intimacy with each other, so they will gradually work toward having the sexual intimacy.
The reason I said she shouldn't be the one to lay down stipulations is b/c first, she really is not, or should not, be in the position of giving him any stipulations. He is a fool if he allows her to do so. And the second reason I said this is b/c I have actually seen men here on the board, who let the WW come back on her terms, and she took a separate bedroom, and from that point on, they were never like husband & wife again. They shared the same house, and that was all. They were, at best, friends. So, if want you want to see a passive man who lets his WW rule the roost, just let that happen and you've got it. You will die from a lonely and unhappy life. Some people think not having their spouse in the house with them is lonely, and I say not having your spouse ever in bed with you, makes for a lonely, unhappy extensistence. If there is no physical issue that causes the couple to need separate rooms, they need to be together in the same bedroom.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I read the posts and thank you for putting this down. I do relate to at least one of the scenarios probably 2 .....
Quick Q as I just re-read DR book about the WAW. And trying to read the definitions again as i may be just confusing things.
Is the WW one who has "cheated" versus the WAW who just has said "I am done'?
I know i am simplifying the above. I have not figured out if my STBX was a WAW who drifted to a WW or I was just blind anyway.
My sitch with the impending divorce once the L's get their act together has required me to be alot tougher and set boundries. As well as the last resort technique which I have failed at and am re-reading
_________________________ Me-48 Spouse-WAW 52 Married for 10 years D7 ILYBNILWY 7/15 Suspect EA/PA 12/15 No confirmation/denial She files 1/2016 Working towards the Big D ...still in progress....
Sandi2 makes an interesting point about separation. Once my wife left the MB, I never felt more alone in my life. When I moved out, oddly enough, I felt less lonely. Once I found out about the 2nd guy, it gave me some control of the situation. However, I knew it opened the door for her to do whatever she wanted and I accepted that risk. But I knew I was only postponing the inevitable if I didn't leave. If we stayed together under the same roof, it would eventually go so uncomfortable that life would become unbearable.
M41 W39 D3 Open Marriage Request by W 6/15 BD 9/15 1st EA 10/15 2nd EA discovered: 1/16 I moved out: 1/16 2nd EA blew apart 2/16 PA 4/16 I've had enough, filing for D
What advice do you give for us in this sitch. My wife left 9 months ago but checked out long before that. Do you think divorce is the only way to go?
As far as boundaries, they are rather limited once she move out of his house. I would say to make her stick to the agreed child care/visitation scheduled, agreed vacations and holidays, and when she pulls her little tricks of being half a day late getting them or cheating you out of your full vacation or special holiday with the kids......you carry her a$$ to court and make her stick by the order.
Don't allow her to intrude on your time and or guilt you into baby sitting while she goes out GAL. Things like that are about all you can do. You can mainly drop the rope and leave her alone. No communication unless absolutely about child related and nothing else. Perhaps if she sees you are really done with her (and that's what she needs to believe) then she may start pursuing you.
But boundaries work better when you have a WW living under the same roof as you.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
So much of what you write relates to me and to my sitch....I still do not know fully if my W is a WW because of her behaviour and her attitude towards me or whether she is really still just a WAW.
I know on my signature I put down possible EA however is this just my own insecurity and her playing on Facebook and awful lot I am not able to look at her iPad or iPhone as that would be seen as snooping
I know right now my wife has zero respect for me and mostly all the things I do just makes her angry or upset ....she tells me when we talk that all she ever wanted was equality and for me to do my share and I feel this is still what she wants but no matter what I do it is still not enough and with this in mind ...no matter what you do it will not be enough and as sandi points out she will just expect more and more from you .
Please listen to sandi she knows her stuff this thread has so much valuable information within it.
Much love Ghost
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
I had read before somewhere that LBH should not fear separation, I have 2 weeks left before she is due to move out and am looking forward to some peace. I was wondering if you could expand on this thought or does it follow along the lines of not fearing the end of the M? Is it to do with the losses you mention that need to happen within her? I do expect the time without the kids to be a reality kick for her.
I have found out from a friend who told me that my W feels very angry, something I most definitely agree with, and needs her own space to deal with it. Now I also believe my W stories can be varies depending on who she talks to so I do take what she says with a grain of salt.
