Sandi's Reflections

[sandi2]

My question is since you have live through this, Did I do the right thing? It might be to late now but shoulded I just continue being passive like the DB couch said I don't think my couch realized how deep my wife EA is, she is going by the books that EA only last 9 months it's been two years.

I think some affairs last a long time. Mine lasted longer than nine months. Honestly, it is not about the length of time they last (unless the H is just trying to out wait the affair) but what the H does during and immediately following her A. You see, when her EA stops, your MR will not be automatically healed. The A is an obstacle, but I believe it just evidence of other issues that were in the MR.

By the description of your WW, she is in complete fantasy land. She has this idea that she can keep her nice home, continue with family activities, have the OM, and you and OM will be BFF's............just one happy family. The sooner she is shocked into the reality of this situation, the better for everyone concerned.

My suggestion is not to promise her anything. Get legal advice about where you stand regarding the house, if you can leave........make her leave.......if it will affect anything in the near future, etc. If you can afford one, get a shark lawyer who doesn't pu$$yfoot around and perhaps that will help shake some sense into her. You can't let her take advantage of you in any way, hoping the A will be over soon and you'll get on with life. You have to take charge now.

Do not give her any allowance, unless the court orders you. Do not finance anything for her, unless it is court ordered. I don't think you should have told her she could remain in the home. That is her having her cake and eating it, too. I don't believe your health will tolerate staying with her under the same roof, but like I said, check with a lawyer about what to do. If you have to leave, then leave. You know what you can stand and what you can't. How in the world can live with this WW until your children have finished school? That is unrealistic.

What has she lost, due to her disrespect and EA? How concerned is she of losing you? How concerned do you think she would be with you staying with her while she continues her wayward living?

It sounds to me as if she's calling the shots in the relationship. It's time for the man to take charge of how things will go from this point forward. Stop leaving it up to whatever she says or wants. Be smart and start taking care of you and your kids. Protect your finances!

Btw, do not share information with her. At this time, your business is your business.

[sandi2]

Just to clarify, I do you think you told her the right thing. Also, you do have to help in supporting your kids, but you don't have to enable her A by financing her lifestyle. She can get a job.

[sandi2]

Great stuff Sandi. Thanks for such depth. Wouldn't alot of this apply to WAW also? I mean even though WAW may not have acted I would bet that most have thought about affairs and that would be a prompt for wanting out. So for us H's waiting for them to come around, they could be playing us just like WW do. I guess GAL is as much about gaining your respect for yourself as it is for WAW or WW respecting you. But you TRULY have to GAL for yourself and NOT to win back spouse. That is very difficult.

Thank you! Yes, a lot of it would be applicable to a WAW situation, just as MWD tells in her book. The reason the W walked away would probably determine what the H would do. When I think of a woman, who has no ill intent in her heart, leaving her M behind and waking away broken hearted and defeated.........I picture a woman who is in pain and/or sees no hope in things ever getting better. There are cases where the H is just too awful to live with, and she can't take it any more. It just seems that the majority of the stories that come here involve a wayward spouse.

I also think that ocassionally there are some women who leave that are just really discouraged and believe they could be happier starting over, or whatever, that has no signs of waywardness. I think these women may few and far apart......but I believe they exist.

Whenever I think in terms of a woman "playing" her H, I see hints of a wayward wife. She may not be riotous or in an A, but she might be completely selfish, spoiled, and have a sense of entitlement. Hey, there some real b'tches who are not in affairs.

But don't confuse this with a woman who has sorrowfully given up on her H ever contributing to the MR and walks away b/c she has lost all hope. She would not be "playing" him b/c she is done with him. Her H would probably have to make some life long changes before she would be convinced they were legit. If all her attraction for him had faded, he may have to work hard and long to get that back again. However, it is what is in her heart that led her to leave him that determines if she was wayward or if she is a hurting WAW.

In my mind the two types are easy to distinguish, but that doesn't mean I am that great and explaining it the differences.

[Nate W]

I don't really consider myself the nice guy type some would say I'm an a-hole. Yes, I did kiss her a$$ after we separated for awhile but not anymore. I'm not really sure how to look at my sitch though. After all I have read I'm pretty sure when my dad got sick it triggered a MLC in me and I kind of went wayward first but by the time I came to my senses it was too late and she was going wayward. I'm not really sure what to do but definitely don't want to go down the road of the persuer again. I have just been trying to detach and let her have the divorce she felt she needed. I'm already past all the separation end the marriage stuff. It's pretty much either I will see her again or I won't.

Sandi you are awesome and damn I wish I have found this site before I was already going through it!

[mahhhty]

Thank you Sandi.

I saw a lot of myself in those posts. I think you are right about a great many things in there. In my short time on these boards, it was usually the guys who took a stand that had more success (of the top of my head... Squiggy). And I believe you outlined the reasons why.

[1313]

Sadly, I see an awful lot of what's happening to me here. I'm a nice guy. However, I've always defended her to friends and family, often making myself look like an idiot. But always doing nice things for her - going out of my way - which went from being totally appreciated to loathed.

Yes, the OM has a lot to do with this, but I've often felt she is doing these hateful things to help justify her actions. Because the story changed.

The "walkaway" is part of the negotiation process, don't do any deal you're not willing to walk away from. The fear of loss is what keeps people from walking away. Yet here, I'm scared to death to walk away.

My issue is that I am so cut off from my wife - no kids and communicating through lawyers - I'm not sure anything I do will be noticed by her. She strikes back at me through her assistant, as I have to beg for access to my home to get things. Even that I think I'm done with until we split the marital assets.

You're right about her being unrecognizable to her family, her Mother and Father are on my side and can't believe what she's doing. You put it into terms I would never have thought about, but I think you're spot on in your analogies.

[Wrigley]

I believe I am at that point as well. Time to take a stand. The om seems to be in and out of the picture and when he leaves my ww calls or wants to hang out with the boys and I. Then they talk and she disappears.

She came over the other day and just broke down about how depressed she is and crying all the time. We talked and went for a walk and she pretty much said she has no one else to talk to but doesn't want to lead me on.

She agreed to go to counseling and had her first appointment today with the woman I am seeing. Afterward she came over to get the boys and I could tell she wanted to linger around and talk. Told me she liked the counselor and I told her I am glad she went and left it at that. I can't be her support system. She fired me from that job. She needs to figure this out alone and in the meantime I need to detach and not talk to her and hang out with her as much as I want to.

[1313]

My wife had agreed to counseling for a "birthday present" after she started waving around the D word. Turns out she had no desire to work things out - only let me know she was going to move ahead with the divorce. She was however doing the "we can be friends because that's all we ever were" #$%&! stuff.

I did get angry on the last day, and say if that's what she'd doing there's no way we could be friends after 30 years of marriage. It would and does break my heart thinking of her with somebody else - much less see them together.

My problem is I'm going from deep depression to anger, and feel like telling a choice few people about this. I know it's against DB policy, but I've protected her so much for so long. And to know that everybody assumes it's my fault and I'm the one that filed for divorce is killing me. Also to know some people I thought were friends were enabling this. To think that she's still keeping it a secret from most people so she's got a comfort level, well - I'd like to take that comfort level away.

It gets complicated, doesn't it?

[Mowgli]

By the description of your WW, she is in complete fantasy land. She has this idea that she can keep her nice home, continue with family activities, have the OM, and you and OM will be BFF's............just one happy family. The sooner she is shocked into the reality of this situation, the better for everyone concerned.

This!!!

W actually admitted to me that she thought I would just agree to pick up and move with her and the kids so that she could be with OM, and that she thought I'd actually be happy bout it!

When she said it out loud, she said " I guess I never really realized how in the fog I actually was until I just heard myself say that..."

[someguy1233]

Wow. This has been a great read. I think I fall into this nice guy category. W and I have had many issues over the last 10 years, lots of on/off periods and her having an A. Each time I’d take her back with open arms.

The difference this time is I’m actually thinking about D myself.

My question is this… how do I put my foot down? Her latest complaints are that I don’t care for her enough. I don’t help with the kids enough. I don’t make sure she’s cared for. My initial thought was to 180 this and “win her over.” But after reading this thread I second guess myself. I’m open to ideas.