sandi thoughts on a dealing with a ww after the affair is over and she now is a waw. I believe mine used her affair as an exit affair. From what I can tell the affair part is pretty much over but she is still telling me she isn't in love anymore but wants to be friends.
I would not classify her from a WW to WAW. I think she's the results of her waywardness. It is a long, hard pull for the WW to intentionally get her heart right, let go of the years of resentment she's held against her H, start showing him respect, and stop her rebellion against what is right for a wife in a marriage.
It is very, very typical for a WW coming out of an A to not have those loving feelings for her H. They have been blocked by her other negative feelings for a long time. Then, the OM was in her heart, instead of her H. So, it takes time for her to get the OM completely out of head (even after the A ends), go through the withdrawals, and hopefully, she will feel remorse for her behavior and want to do whatever it takes to save the M.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I really would like to see an update on your thread before answering that question. Is your W still living in the rented house? Is the OM still staying with her? If the OM is still in the picture, then don't try to be her buddy. It places the OM in a romantic zone and it puts you in a friend zone while she continues her wayward lifestyle. She continues to get the best of both men.
If she really gets rid of the OM and stops all contact for good, then you can think about the next step, but from what I have observed in your thread, she misses her family and the life she had at home.........but has made it clear her feelings for you have not changed. I know you miss her and want her back home. I think you feel you need to help her out of the mess she created. IMO, she needs to clean up her side of the street. If you rescue her, she will be back in it again. Yes, it is painful to watch, but it is part of the process.
I strongly caution you not to take her back too quickly. She needs to do some work. If she seems regretful, ask yourself if it is b/c of the hurt it has caused you and the children, or is she feeling sorry for herself? It is an important difference. If you listen carefully, you can probably make that determination by what she says.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I have a question for you Sandi. When you came out of your waywardness, had your H changed? If so what was different or did you just accept him for him.
Fight the good fight no matter the quality of your opponent.
Me-50 WAW-45 S13 Married 24 years Bomb 1-Jan.2008 Disc. EA She came back for 8 years Bomb 2-Jan-2016 Separation 3-12-2016
As I have told others, the unusual thing about my situation was that it wasn't the LBH who came here looking for help. I was the one who stumbled around and "accidentally" found my way to the DB board. So, my H did not get the tools that are given here. The work was on me. He really did not change and I basically had to accept him as he was. His health took a serious dive and our lives had to adjust again when he was forced into retirement, due to his health. There was a time that I don't know if I could have dealt with all that I am facing right now, but I think I am doing pretty good. The person who changed in my MR was "me".
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Huge props Sandi. It is obvious that most people don't take responsibility for themselves...much less their MR.
You give out so much wisdom...it should be noted that you ROCK. And I'm so glad to have your experience to shed light on my path. If you're a person of faith...I would say you have found your 'calling'. Thanks for the hope and wisdom you bring to our lives!
Ojap M 13 T 15 D 11 D 11 D 9 BD #1: ILYBNILWY 09/2015 BD #2: W asks for S 12/2015 ---------- Currently: Limbo
I think the om left her but still has his furniture at her house because he hasn't found a place to live besides his parents. She claims they are done but are still friends. She still lives in the rented house and has told me she isn't in love anymore.
I told her we can't be friends and that that's a long way off for me. We were doing a little hanging out with the boys and small communication but it was messing me up so I stopped it.
She has agreed to come into to my counsellors office together Monday but it was at the request of my counselor and I think she is seeing it as a way to clear the air and move forward as co parents. Not any type of marriage counseling.
She came to me a few weeks ago crying about how bad her life is, how depressed she is. All about her. Telling me she didn't want to lead me on but pouring out her heart. I fell for it too. Thinking it was some kind of sign. It's not and I read your posts about that afterwards.
Her dogs go lost the day after I told her I couldn't be her friend and she called and texted me frantically all day. I ignored the calls and text and finally that night responded and said "I'm out with friends, not my concern any longer".
It's also more excuses and now she's saying she's been unhappy all along. Well then why did you have kids if you were so unhappy? Just typical rewriting the marital history. Blameshiffing everything
