M 43 W 45 M 10.5 T 15 S 26 D 17 (previous relationships) ILYB 12/25/15 + asks for D Confirm affair 1/10/16 W has D ready to sign, but agrees to wait for refinancing to go through (I get a house!)
To know how many, or a percentage, we would have to know the total number of cases, including how many did not return, if they were wayward, walk-away, or MLC. And what space of time do you mean, like the beginning of time or since this board has been available, or what?
Since I have been on the board, I notice that the majority of people leave without us ever knowing how their story turns out. Then there are all those people who read but never post. In short, it is impossible to answer the question you asked.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Would someone please share Sandi's thread on WW vs WAS. I know I am confusing a lot of people who read my thread and I am doing all that I can to understand DB.
H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6 S-9,8,8,6,4 S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15 EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16 PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16 XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16 Finally moving forward...
Once a WW is remorseful, says she is sorry for what happened and wants to go back to having a family I understand there will be a detox period.
What I have doubts about is the initiation and not just sex. If she just kisses when she leaves to go somewhere and never did before, texts in the morning to say hi when I am travelling and sporadically sends images of something from a meal she cooked to something that arrived in the post for me. I take these as good signs.
She however once last week walked in my room and passed her hands through my hair, and a couple of weeks ago sent a selfie of her in a dress she bought that i liked.
When I am travelling she almost always texts at night to say goodnight.
Are these signs she is warming? Why is the sex and touchiness still missing? I tried once to initiate some weeks ago and she participated. I then tried a few weeks later and she wasnt in the mood so I backed off since.
I read your post where WS need time to get back in the mood and to be weary if they jump back in soon after. Is this what is happening or am I being played?
Sometimes it is so difficult to know where you stand when things are so black or white or extreme.
She leaves her phone lying around, spends more time at home. Starts to do some things different at home and in general starts to talk about fixing the home like painting and things like that.
Hi Max, just saw your post. You ask a really good question, and one that is not simple to answer (without knowing your W).
The first thing I would probably ask, if I were counseling, would be how was your sex life in the M before things blew apart?
Quote:
I read your post where WS need time to get back in the mood and to be weary if they jump back in soon after. Is this what is happening or am I being played?
Right, and remember that when I make these type of statements I am referring to the majority. If I were talking one on one and finding out more individual details....it may be more fined tuned.
Generally speaking, women usually have to get one man out of their system before they can let another one in. That includes having sex and sexual touching, usually. I don't know about this youngest generation anymore, but back in the day, most women emotionally tied love and sex together, unless there was some type of profit behind her sex acts.
It's not just a matter of her being in the mood or not, but how far along the road of withdrawals she has gotten. The WW is dealing with a lot of shifting in feelings. She once loved her H, then that love died....or so she thought, so then she loved another man....or so she thought, but then she had to end her feelings for OM and find her original feelings for her H again. That's a lot of internal stuff going on. Maybe it's easier and faster for some women than others, and maybe some women are sexually high driven enough that it's not an obstacle for them. I'm just saying what I have observed over the years.
Some of the wisest words I heard were, "Women want to make up, in order to have sex. Men want to have sex, in order to make up". Many LBH'S look for the W to initiate sex, b/c to him it will be a very good sign that the MR is on it's way to healing. For her, however, she needs more healing before she's ready for the sex. (In most cases). If I had to make a guess, I'd say it looks as if your W is putting effort into it.....she just isn't quite there, yet.
There was a poster a year or so ago, who had a WW in an active PA. Long story short, she went from sleeping with the OM one night to having sex with her H two nights later. Her H was elated! I kept warning him that the MR was not fixed, that nothing had been resolved.....but hey, he was getting sex at least a couple times per day, so he was happy. He left pretty soon afterwards and haven't heard anymore. Now that woman, I did not trust. Nothing about how she approached her H was decent (she literally sneaked in the back door and got into his bed) or respectable. Of course, that was my opinion, but the way she was doing it was like she was making it look shady or dirty (they were separated at the time). She didn't want anyone knowing for a while, b/c she liked the feeling of keeping it secret.....as if it were wrong (much like her affair) and sneaking around from house to house after midnight. No discussion about what she'd done to destroy the M, no talk about what they would need to do to heal, and she certainly never showed any remorse for her behavior. So yeah, I think she just found a certain amount of thrill in using her H to slip around in the dark and skrew b/c she had grown tired of the OM. Was she genuine about wanting to make her M work again? Well, I sure had my doubts! Do I think she's an example of how most WW's are when returning to their H? Nope! The best I remember, they claimed they were just taking each day as it came. And, I felt pretty sure how that whole story was going to play out.
Was she playing her LBH? I'd say so. If her aim was to just go back home and bypass any of the work she needed to do, she found a sleazy way of doing it. However, I can't place all the fault at her feet, when he was the one coming to the board and getting the information about what to expect and what needed to happen to make it work. He did not want to say or do anything to stop the sex horse that found her way through the dark and entered his house. Who knows how long that lasted.
I believe some WW's play their H b/c the W knows she can pretty much get her way as long she's giving him all the sex she wants. Right? Right! Like I said, some will use sex for profit. If she wants to go back home, but she's still as wayward as Lucifer in her heart....she may take on the sex, knowing it will get her back in the door.....and he'll finally settle down and things will go back to how it use to be.
If I were you, I'd check to see if her words, attitude, behavior, and actions matched. It may take some more work to get there, but if you are seeing her show respects through her words, attitude, behavior and actions....the loving feelings will follow.
Use her LL she needs, and don't wait till bedtime to do it.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Generally speaking, women usually have to get one man out of their system before they can let another one in. That includes having sex and sexual touching, usually. I don't know about this youngest generation anymore, but back in the day, most women emotionally tied love and sex together, unless there was some type of profit behind her sex acts.
This is definitely the case with my W. I didn't want to believe the signs of detachment, or more specifically believed the excuses. Then rather than forcing myself into the situation (or questioning/confronting) I gave her the space I thought she needed. Stupid move. All that did was make her feel lonelier, and she moved more towards that emotional and then physical support while cutting me off.
The funny thing was it was all so fast. Really fast now that I look back, a few brief months to undo 30 years. And she played me like a violin until she got tired of that - because I believed her and it wasn't as fun as she had hoped.
Sandi's thoughts on the WW are downright creepy, how I wish they were wrong.
Me: 58 Her: 59 Kids: 0 Dog: 1 ILYBINILWY: 9/15 D Bomb: 1/11/16 (found out filed) Verified OM: 1/11/16 Moved out: 1/11/16 (thought it was temporary)
In answer to your question our sl was great when things were good and suicidal when the problems started to non existent when i moved out the mbr. I then fell into a ea turned pa and contact was minimal and distant. In dec 2014 i stopped pa to work on mr and may 2015 found that something was going on though during that time she had travelled with me a few times but things were still tense. She began to change around aig sept 2015 but nov 2015 saw them both walking from gim talking.
They split him to car and she home. I confronted her and she claimed they were talking about his w who is being treated for the big c. I told her i did not care and nc was nc. She could not see anything wrong and brought our son in on argument and was shocked when he told her i was right.
I threw a lot of her stuff into spare room and was moving rest when all hell broke loose and she threw a tantrum as i did not stop moving her stuff out.
She left and when she came back hours later slept on couch. I had mbr door closed. In the morning she sat on bed woke me up and said she was sorry and wanted to make it work.
I told her nc was nc and next time i was leaving and fir goid.
Since then we are in a sort of piecing with a positive trend where she speaks softly and respectfully and we some days have a laugh but ..... No sex.
It just reminds me if when we were living together years ago and sex was always an issue. I do not want to go back to the friend zone and no sex because this r will not work without it if it is a unilateral decision.
If it is a case of time to get there then fine. If it is a case of that not being one of her objectives then no. Hell no.
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
