So, when you say you "cheated", the two of you were dating, right? Did she believe you were in a committed relationship with her? My purpose in asking is to get a better idea of her viewpoint, and if her actions are those of a vindictive nature or not.
She sounds like a WAW who has been terribly hurt by lack of attention, affection, and security. These three areas are very important in a MR. For most women, neglect in these three areas are like a flower not getting sunshine and water. She wilts & dies, emotionally. She feels completely dead and empty on the inside. I have experienced the same thing. My hurt and resentment led to disrespect and then to rebellion and I became wayward. I hope that is not the road your W is going down.
My M was saved, and yours can be saved, too. It will take a lot of hard work from you. Are you ready to push up those sleeves and get with it?
You made a statement about having the M you and your W deserve. Do you have a picture of how it would look? Do you have a picture of how the work looks? It is daily! My grandparents were M over 60 something years. On their golden anniversary I asked my grandmother if she had any advice, and she said you can never reach the point where you stop working on the MR.....if you want a good one. I was still pretty young then and thought that sounded tiring. But guess what? She was so right! No matter how long we live in a M, we have to keep on trying, b/c life changes, and we change b/c of of life's experiences.
You are in a delicate spot. As you have seen, pursuing her doesn't work. Smothering her with conversation and your bodily presence won't work. Therefore, don't talk to her about how you are going to change, don't make promises or discuss your 180's with her. Just talk about here. When you are home, involve yourself a lot more with the children. Play with them, help with homework, help the little one get ready for bed, spend one-on-one with each of them. Put away the games and your phone. Do not spend a long time in a room by yourself. Be an active "presence" in the home, just don't crowd her with it. Make sense?
How overweight are you, at the moment? Are you working out? If not, the LBH's say it is very beneficial healthwise and stresswise. Many of them say they are in the best shape of their lives.
I am going to just throw some things out here, and you can take it for whatever it's worth. I'm not saying you have or have not been guilty of any of these, just making suggestions.
It may be a good time to have a make-over. Polish your appearances with a well-kept haircut & shave, wearing a good aftershave or cologne. Women love it! Make sure your hygiene is great, and look clean & fresh when at home. You don't have to dress up, just be clean looking & smelling. These are important to women. On weekends, don't go around with your hair uncombed or without shaving. Wear a clean pair of jeans and nice t-shirt, if that's your style of clothes. Don't wear shirts that have holes or pants that are going to show a butt crack. Don't go around looking like a slob. If you have a job...say like a mechanic, that keeps your hands in grease/oil a lot......find a really effective hand cleanser and keep those hands and fingernails clean. Nasty looking hands can be a real turnoff to some women.
Pick up after yourself and don't expect the W or kids to do it. Hang up your clothes or put them in a hamper, throw away your own trash, clean up your own messes. Don't ask one of the kids to do it.
If you are in the habit of having one of the kids act as your "go-get-me", (go get me a drink out of frig, go get me a pillow, go get me my shoes, go get me something to eat, etc.) please stop it and start getting your own things. I have seen men do this while laying back watching tv, and it infuriates a lot of women (I am one). Although kids should do some things for parents sometimes.....it can become very obvious to mothers when a overweight, not so active father is running his kids here & there getting things for him, while he's doing nothing. It's not attractive.
If you have any bad habits, this is the time to work hard to correct them. Has your W complained about anything particularly? Make it one of your goals to correct it.
Keep your vehicle clean. Don't throw trash around in it or let it get so dirty someone leaves a message on it. Make sure the yard is litter free and you don't have a lot of old junk, tools, unused equipment, etc. laying around. Toys.... yes, husband's junk....no.
If you holler at the kids, learn how to speak, instruct them, or discipline them without yelling. If you have an unattractive-type of humor, maybe you need to stop if others don't find it funny. If you are loud and boisterous....tone it down. If you are unsociable, learn what to do to be more friendly toward others. Show respect toward others and especially at home. Command respect from your wife & children. Teach the children how to be respectful to their parents, and others.
If you have a lazy nature, you must change it! Even if your W is lazy, too, you must change yourself. Laziness is one habit that seems to be disrespected by the majority of people.
If home repairs or projects have gone unattended for a long time, get on it.
Do things with the kids on weekends.
Do not take over her jobs. Do what you need to do to improve yourself, but don't start doing all the housework, all the cooking, all the laundry, etc. Some H's try to become superhusband, and that's not a good thing. I have not seen one M that type of action has saved!
BTW, do you have a fulltime job?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I think my wife started as a WAW, turned into a WW and is slowly turning back into a WAW or at least going back and forth between the two. My wife and I used to have a really good relationship. We used to joke around a lot and really just enjoyed each other's company. I moved here 8 years ago and initially had many plans. We were going to buy a house, I was going to go to med school and we were going to be able to give our kids a great life. Due to financial constraints, we moved into an awful apartment on the bad side of town and were going to be there no more than 2 years. Fast forward 6 years later and we were still living there,I didn't make it into med school and I hadn't fixed my credit enough to be able to get a house. We had some old mismatched furniture, but I never bought new furniture because I was waiting until I had a house. My wife had slowly been turning into this mean person and I was slowly withdrawing from the marriage.
I thought that the emptiness I felt was normal and that every marriage goes through it. My wife started telling me a while back that she didn't like the way she was feeling. She said she had been there before (in her first marriage) and she knew it wouldn't end well. I just took it as more complaining (which I had learned to tune out) and told her that it's just a phase in our marriage and that it's normal to be in a routine. As long as I keep my head down and be quiet things will be ok I said to myself. My wife initially left because she thought I had an A, although she had been slowly moving towards leaving for like 6 months.
6 months before the separation my wife started taking better care of herself, going to the gym, tanning, getting really nice clothes and doing her hair. My wife then went through a time when she started going to the club with her sister, hanging out with some of her work friends and she started getting on the phone a lot, facebooking and texting and being really secretive about her phone. During this time, she totally became a different person, she was like a teenager trapped in my wife's body. She ignored the kids and was all about this music group that she has loved since she was younger, even texting and talking to two of the singers. While she was doing that I was knee deep in feeling sorry for myself and trying to make her happy.
We eventually moved out of the awful apartment, but not because I grew a pair and was able to move my family out but because she decided to move in with her family. So me, and her mother, father and sister all moved into the same house, just to add to the idea that I can't move the family forward and for her to respect me even less. And I was pursuing her the whole time as well. She told me at one point, that if I would have left her and let her suffer early on, that things may have been different. She also said recently that she feels like I am breathing down her neck and I need to get out of the house and do something, otherwise I am pushing her away. She continually repeats that she wants to be alone with the kids and she doesn't want to go back to the relationship we had before. She says she fell out of love with me, she doesn't feel the spark and she doesn't feel like trying to get it back.
Sandi2: Yes I am ready to do the work! I have been looking all over for the solution (I was even on Dr. Harley's radio show) and am so glad I found this site! I have a full time job and have been at the same agency for the past 8 years. I do social work, so I don't make a lot of money, however I do make almost twice as much as my wife and the bills are separated accordingly. I just don't have enough money to be able to help her the way I'd like to. Every time we talk about finances, she gets so angry and repeats that she can't have that house she has always wanted and she can't afford to pay all of her bills, but that she will do it on her own like she always has. I desperately want to be able to give her that house she's been dreaming of, but my debt to income ratio is horrendous and my credit score isn't up to snuff. Thank you so much for the advice! I can't tell you how much it means to me and having read some of your posts I respect your opinion immensely.
I had originally planned on being a Doc, and when I didn't get in I got disillusioned and gave up entirely. I have recently thought about going for Physicians Assistant. The house we live in belongs to a friend of my wife's, we have to move out by July. My wife wants to live alone with the kids and the idea terrifies me. She can't afford it, but she is very strong willed and could make it happen.
July sounds far away and super close at the same time. You need to be very strategic when handling/planning the living arrangements.
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
Just a shot in the dark, but I get the impression she had dreams of living as a doctor's wife.....and blames you for not fulfilling it. Sadly, some women do guilt/blame/shame the H who doesn't give them everything they ever wanted.
Every woman would love to have a dream house, but some of us have enough maturity and sense to realize it isn't going to happen, and the relationship is much more important than a house. There is a significant difference in a man who will not work to give his family food & shelter and some other necessities in life that would affect the W's feelings of security. He is not required to give her the best of everything, or for even fulfilling her dreams. That is one reason so many women are disillusioned is b/c they have this wrong idea that the H is suppose fulfill her dreams. I think men who really love their W wants to give her nice things, but may not have the finances to purchase them. It really upsets me to hear how some women just see money signs when they are marrying a man, and then beat him down if he doesn't measure up. Maybe I have it all wrong and she became that way later, but she sounds more than just disappointed. She sounds bitter that your career did not go as hoped.
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My wife wants to live alone with the kids and the idea terrifies me. She can't afford it, but she is very strong willed and could make it happen.
After you've described her a little more, I am thinking it would be to your advantage...if she does her go her separate way...that you get the legal department to make the call about what you or how much you pay. Otherwise, she is going to drain you dry. Protect yourself now.
Well, the more you can tell us, the clearer the picture and better we might be able to help.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
