Yeah, I initially had those thoughts too, however she has really stuck with me through a lot. She tried for years to make it work and as you so eloquently said, slowly died on the inside.
So I picked my wife up from work today and she was in a bad mood. I ignored her and then proceeded to stick my foot in my mouth and saying: Melo: I applied for that job in Puerto Rico W: Why??(one week prior she said "if you get an interview for the job you are going to take it right? And then joked about going with me) M:Because your parents are moving down there and eventually you the kids will move down there W: My parents aren't going for another 2-3 years M:I figured I would see what the job market looks like now W:We couldn't go anyway because D11's Dad is here M:Yeah W:I thought you hated PR? M:I don't hate PR I never thought about going back but it's a possibility now besides we had talked once about going for a few years so the kids could learn Spanish W:We no longer function as a couple. We can function well as a family for the kids but not as a couple, there is too much emptiness between us. M:I never mentioned us as a couple, I just know that if you and the kids move I don't want to be far from the kids W:I know, the kids are what's killing me M:??(Thinking to myself don't mess this up, validate and don't say anything...sh@t how did she trap me here?!)Mmmhmm W:I fell out of love and you did too, a marriage doesn'y get this bad if only one person feels empty.I can't live like that anymore.I did it for too long. I don't deserve to live like that. That's not what marriage is supposed to be, I refuse to go back to that. M:(taking deep breaths and saying"ok") W:I don't believe in love, I don't need anything but my kids, that's it. I am going to end up like my ex husband's aunt who never had a relationship and was alone(gets out of the van) M: (nods head) W: (closes the door angrily) So okay what just happened there??!!?! And I bet you $5 she is going to try and continue the conversation later...what do I do??!!
So the day after the above tirade, my wife asks me to go to the store with her and the kids. I agree and we had a really nice time. During the outing she apologizes for the reaction she had and said she was thinking about how it must have sucked going to a session after that. I made a joke out of it and left it at that. This week has been a pretty good week, the wife seems less obsessed with her phone and more engaged with me and the kids.
Now one of the major complaints has always been that we never had anything. After 8 years of being together we never got a house and never bought furniture. We never had a honeymoon, never took time for ourselves and always put the kids first. As a 180,I am looking into buying a house, but since my credit score isn't high enough, having her and my Mom be on the mortgage, with the deal being to refinance in a year and get my Mom off of the mortgage. I'm not doing it in hopes that she Will come running into my arms thanking me, but because rent is really expensive here compared to paying a mortgage.
Ok, so I'm still on the rollercoaster. This morning I looked at her sister's Facebook and saw a posting from my wife about loving someone who you aren't with and how you will always love that person, some ol' titanic stuff. I really want to confront her and tell her that if she wants this person so bad, she should just go back to them. I shouldn't have looked at Facebook, it's just going to drive me crazy.
My wife goes between WW and WAW and so I find myself varying my approach accordingly. She is currently in WW phase, not going out, but stuck on Facebook when I'm driving her to and from work. I have been feeling I'll lately and she asked "how's Melo feeling this morning?" When she saw me this morning. Really? That's so impersonal, so uncaring. I bet she would be really supportive of a friend of hers going through the same thing. So I'm treating her like she's in WW. I am super detaching, getting a Dr's appointment because that would be a 180, but not giving her the time of day. DBing while living together is awful.
IMHO, a woman doesn't bounce back & forth between WAW and WW. After reading more about her actions, I think she may be involved in an EA. Do not confront her yet. If you do, she will become more secretive and withdrawn. Confrontation, in itself, does not solve anything. If anything, it pushes her to announce she wants a D.
Btw, please don't purchase something big while the M is so unstable.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Aw man, even reading that makes my chest tight. I guess I haven't detached enough. The problem is that the person I think she is talking to is some rich older guy who is a singer in a pretty famous group. I can't compete with that!
As a 180,I am looking into buying a house, but since my credit score isn't high enough, having her and my Mom be on the mortgage, with the deal being to refinance in a year and get my Mom off of the mortgage. I'm not doing it in hopes that she Will come running into my arms thanking me, but because rent is really expensive here compared to paying a mortgage.
Don't buy anything yet until you fix (or leave) your marriage. A friend of mine made that mistake. He bought a house to make his wife happy. His wife got a D right after escrow closed, he ended up paying mortgage on the house for many years while his XW lived there with the OM, and he was barred from that house himself! Don't make that mistake!
Me-LBH, 48 Spouse-WW, 48 Married for 19 years Son, 12 BD #1 - November 1998 (EA 7 months after wedding) BD #2 - November 2015 (same XBF EA) WW filed D February 2016 WW moved out April 2016
