I still lurk around the newcomer's board and keep up on the situations of those I often shared with. I've just finished my first mediation earlier this week and am in the thick of prepping the house for sale. H has been coming once a week to help. Sometimes its good, sometimes (usually due to me not being able to keep from R talk) its not so good. I am learning to let go, but those emotional ebbs and flows still happen. I post often on MLC, but it just feels like a better fit...I see too much of H's depression, flip flops, and MLC type symptoms in those familiar stories others tell over there. More taylor-made advice and support. But I'm often still here checking in or checking on others.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
Yes, Hope. There are some. I've been reading a lot about MLC and male depression. Men tend to hold their depression in due to our ideas as a society that it is not manly to "emote". Then they end up acting out in other ways; violence, emotional and physical abuse, addictions, affairs, running away... MLC is really, at its heart, depression. The male, who feels pressure not to confront or talk about his feelings, has become worried about aging and where he is in his life. Often this is triggered by stressors (a death, a job change or loss, a move, a child leaving). The depression is there, often due to or exacerbated by childhood issues, but never recognized or confronted. He then feels the need to run from the things that are causing him pain, usually misidentified and associated as the one's closest to him; wife and family (and the responsibility and pressures inherent in these R). MLC behavior then insues. Running, trying to relive the good time in life (usually early twenties),trying to look younger, etc. At some point this doesn't work or gets too exhausting. The depression makes ts way to the surface. They may still try to mask it with drugs, alcohol, affairs, overwork. But until they work through the core of the problem (or seek help to) and recognize that it is within them, they can't quite get through it. I'm not saying we as the spouses are without blame in the R issues. We need to recognize our own issues and understand how our actions and reactions might have affected our H's behaviors and feelings. But we can only work on ourselves and gain understanding of our dynamic. We can't control what H does.
Right now, my husband has thrown himself into work. He has already given up on party hardy twenty year old with the skinny jeans, personal trainer, highlighted hair, and body building supplements and is looking exhausted and haggard. He is sad. He still hasn't hit bottom. I don't know if he will.I don't know if our impending D will lighten his load or cause him to hit bottom. Its a wait and see. But I have to concentrate on me right now as there is not much of an us.
So, long story short; yes there are MLC's in their 30's. But depression can happen anytime. I Don't Want to Talk About It is a good read on male depression. DBing with an understanding of the underlying problem may help. Understanding is always helpful.It also makes it easier to focus on you by lessening the anger.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
Hi, just came by to say hello. I sometimes wonder if my wife is in a MLC. I'll catch up on your other thread over there and maybe I came gain some insight. Be well
Hey JB! Not Washington DC, but but Washington state in the northwestern part of U.S. Less populated on my end of the state. I seem to be surrounded by moose, elk and deer (along with the random herd of cattle). Did I hear you were coming for a visit? I'll open a bottle for ya!
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
I haven't had time to read all of your posts, but our situations have a lot of similarities. My wife has a "special friend," I call him Dick. I thought it was funny that you call you husband's special friend Bubbles.
I was wondering if you know what Bubble's husband thought (or thinks) of his wife's friendship with your husband?
Hey, dood! Funny thing seeing this thread pop up! I actually post now in the mlc forum, so that was a surprise!
Yeah, I don'the know what he thinks. I've kinda distanced myself from my entire social group. I know I always enjoyed talking to him...really nice, hardworking guy...gone a lot, often out of town. Drinks a lot and sleeps a lot on weekends. Never saw him being really demonstrative around Bubbles. Great with his boys, helps coach their sports teams.
If you have read bluwaves thread there is talk of "nice guy syndrome". I know my H fits it to a T. I think he (Bubbles hubby) does, as well. I don't think he knows how often they were alone together.
Funny thing, though. My H is now spending more of his time with guys, including her H. I think me "apologizing" for my behavior made her realize how much she appeared to be having an affair? Or that she was caught, if anything did happen? Or that her behavior might have jeopardized her "perfect" family? Dunno. But the dynamic changed. Still is changing.
Anyway. My H seems to be finding his decisions are not making him happy, lately. He seems to suddenly be doing some harder thinking. Or not. I could be over analyzing. But I'm still moving forward. I can be flexible. It's all just "stuff" that's changing. It's the relationship part that hurts.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
Hey, dood! Funny thing seeing this thread pop up! I actually post now in the mlc forum, so that was a surprise!
Yeah, I don'the know what he thinks. I've kinda distanced myself from my entire social group. I know I always enjoyed talking to him...really nice, hardworking guy...gone a lot, often out of town. Drinks a lot and sleeps a lot on weekends. Never saw him being really demonstrative around Bubbles. Great with his boys, helps coach their sports teams.
If you have read bluwaves thread there is talk of "nice guy syndrome". I know my H fits it to a T. I think he (Bubbles hubby) does, as well. I don't think he knows how often they were alone together.
Funny thing, though. My H is now spending more of his time with guys, including her H. I think me "apologizing" for my behavior made her realize how much she appeared to be having an affair? Or that she was caught, if anything did happen? Or that her behavior might have jeopardized her "perfect" family? Dunno. But the dynamic changed. Still is changing.
Anyway. My H seems to be finding his decisions are not making him happy, lately. He seems to suddenly be doing some harder thinking. Or not. I could be over analyzing. But I'm still moving forward. I can be flexible. It's all just "stuff" that's changing. It's the relationship part that hurts.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
Thank you for responding; it's nice to hear from someone in a similar situation.
My wife's "friend" is an older man who'd had some experiences with childhood abuse that was similar to what my wife had experienced. I thought it was a good thing that my wife had someone she could talk to that had been through some of the stuff she survived. I thought of him as a sort-of fatherly figure to my wife (they're about 15 years apart in age). But, I became very uncomfortable when their interactions seemed to become all-consuming. I'm fairly certain it wasn't a PA, but the MC confirmed that it was (or is) an EA.
The thing that made it hardest for me was that my wife's friend's wife is also friends with my wife (whew, sounds complicated). It's almost as if she promotes the two of them having more time together. It seems really weird to me that his wife would push them together, but she does. (My wife doesn't look her age, she looks 30 years younger than her friend).
Anyway, there's no question that the friendship became inappropriate (she's willing to divorce me to keep him), but I never understood why his wife is such a proponent of the two of them having more time together including alone time together. I think that's just a tad weird, but I can't understand it and probably never will.
