Sandi's Reflections

[JujuB]

Hi Sandi

Thank you for this thread. Your willingness to be open up about your mistakes and to help others, shows the type of person you are.

There are so many differences between the ways males and females communicate and even on their needs and expectations throughout the marriage.

Surely there must be a difference in the WAH and WAW? I actually asked about this when I first came on these boards. But very little about it.

Would love a thread about WH vs WAH. Although I don't believe we have any veterans on here that could speak on behalf of a husband that left their marriage.

The only thing I do notice is that WAH/WH seem to follow wives paying more attention to kids, career stresses and mother issues? It also seems rare for husband to leave unless OW involved (in my case, I have absolutely no proof or indication of OW)

Some people say that WAH has a better chance of returning then WAW? Or perhaps in many cases, WAH doesn't actually walk away but detaches and distances and stonewalls himself so much that the wife eventually becomes WW?

I have to say, when you described WW as being dead on inside, it reminded me so much of my husband.

[Wrigley]

Sandi I also want to tell you thanks. You're post and information have been so valuable to me in seeing the insight of a ww and how I should be handling things. Ty for the time you take

[TimR]

Sandi, Thank you so much for your posts through out this board. Obviously you offer a unique perspective of being on the other side of the fence.

I would like to ask a huge favor and ask your advise regarding my sitch. I have so many questions that I would like to pick your brain about but the most pressing is whether I should go for custody.

My WW has specifically told me she does not want me in any way. And is recently going public with her A. While the differences in OM and WW certainly indicate it will never work out, I do not know that the M will ever be able to be saved.

I have two stepsons whom I love dearly. She and MIL has poisoned the relationship between me and S16 however relationship between me and S13 is even stronger. He has text me about living with me. He has asked me in person about living with me and he has told other parents he just wants to live with me.

WW will not allow me to spend time with him outside of sports and has started consistently threatening to push me out of his life altogether.

Even though I am a L, I spoke to another L to get her advice. She said I could get significant time with S13 but didn't know about 50/50 since I am not biological.

There is a lot more to my thread that I will not take more space on this thread about. I could just really use your insight.

[1313]

I seem to have about half NGS, but a lot of things don't apply. Often I've stood my ground and gotten an apology from the W. But I can certainly say one thing that she mentioned in her litany of complaints (it was like she had a script) was when I would joke at a party or something "I'm Mr. her name"

So yeah, a lot of the nice guy things apparently irked her. And towards the end I was walking on egg shells and doing whatever I could for her.

But at least until things started getting bad, I would tell her I don't have time for something if I didn't. But sadly, I enjoyed doing things for her and when it came to her business, would bend over backwards to accommodate.

What's weird is that the W's assistant actually verbalized (well text-ilized?) about my manhood. It came 10 days after last contact - and out of the blue she said something to the effect "I've been going through my old texts - and you sure whine a lot for a man" - "then again you're not a man!". Oddly, my texts weren't whining but telling her I did what they had asked, and I'm done. Have a nice life.

I figure since the assistant has been acting as a proxy for the W, this is probably coming indirectly from the W.

Oh, did I say that she started reading romance novels about 2 years ago - and I could see a change in the way she related to me after several months? I never put 2 and 2 together, but honestly it's the same as porno - well it is porno - but with a fantasy that plays into the WW mentality.

Guys, if your W's start reading romance novels - step in and do something. Just my opinion.

[Cadet]

Guys, if your W's start reading romance novels - step in and do something. Just my opinion.

And what would you suggest to do?

[Sparkls]

I'll just say as someone who has read a decent amount of romance novels, I always knew that that is not reality. No real relationship is like that,
What I will say is that for me I started reading them because my libido was gone (due to depression ) and I was looking for *anything* to spark it back up. My WH did nothing cause apparently he was off doing someone else the whole time.

My suggestion : if your wife is reading them, ask what she gets out of them. Maybe it's something you can share?
I take the same stance on porn. I don't believe porn is bad. I think it can be a healthy part of any relationship. But you just have to ask what you're using it for. It's a tool. Just like all the other bedroom toys you may use.

[1313]

Guys, if your W's start reading romance novels - step in and do something. Just my opinion.

And what would you suggest to do?

I think at the very least - I would have said I was uncomfortable with the content of some of these. Discussed it with her, and let her explain it to me. I could have asked how she'd feel if I were looking at online porno - something I've always avoided. It's possible I could have nipped something in the bud - perhaps not.

Being the trusting type I never really paid attention at first. I should have looked sooner to tell you the truth.

I remember a popular Lady radio personality psychologist (the W used to listen to and follow in her moral days) called them porno and trouble and tantamount to cheating. I laughed it off.

Granted, some seem pretty tame, but there were a couple that were - wow. Pretty graphic. These were literally coming in on my Kindle as for the longest time I used my W's prime account. I just madly deleted them instead of looking.

Towards the end - before things started getting bad - I expressed my dislike and called them porn. She had started getting very distant, I can't remember if this was before or after she moved out of the bedroom because of her "sore back". She scoffed at my feelings - yeah, things were slipping by then.

She's always been an avid reader - and loved pulpy sorts of things. For years she read all kinds of mystery novels, and I bought her dozens and turned her on to many authors. I researched lots of historical type mysteries, which she liked.

[1313]

I wish I were still talking with her. I would certainly ask. And perhaps that's why she was doing it. To tell you the truth - we had lots of bedroom problems, although I don't know if I'd call it that (but it was). She went through early menopause, and her desire dropped like a rock. It was a tough time for a few years, but I just got used to it.

Also, I didn't like her drinking - and she'd want to do it once she was blotto. I hated that because sometimes she wouldn't remember - and often she'd fall asleep. So yeah, it was bad for a while.

Then, my own libido started to fade - and I talked to the doctor. I started on the testosterone. The problem I had was then I was horny - and she wasn't. So I stopped. One benefit was an improved mood and memory. She was complaining a LOT about my memory - but then I began to notice it wasn't my memory. I think this was the beginning of Sandi's "finding reasons and things that bug me".

Anyway, so for about 3 years perhaps longer, things were sporadic at best. It completely stopped a year and a half ago. But now I know that was when the W made her decision. She might not have been aware of it herself, but her desire for me was dead at that point. Funny how somebody else sparked that again. Also - and I think this has a LOT to do with it - she went on a health kick, and as a result stopped drinking (for the most part). I think that she wouldn't be able to connect the dots in her state of mind to notice her increased libido might have something to do with that.

I've always been incredibly supportive of her health "issues", no gluten, always some sort of vitamin kick, cooking a certain way (I did all the cooking) - helped her with vegetable fasts etc. But then with the OM and maybe a MLC (who knows), she started an exercise program and weight loss thing a friend had success with. Started walking, a lot. Got invisalign braces - I haven't seen her for almost 2 months, but I'm sure she looks like she hasn't in many years.

Very sad for me - it took somebody else to do this.

Anyway, sorry for getting off track. I've been doing that a lot.

Yeah, I wish I was in communication with her - I'm sure the romance novels are helping her with her new squeeze.

[Sparkls]

Don't worry, they're not. Because again, they aren't reality. Just like you can't learn how to be good in bed by watching porn.
But yes, I noticed the same things in my WH much more recently. I started this diet and he was all gung-ho about it. Claimed it was to be super supportive of me but it actually really bothered me how into it he got. Like he's this scrawny 150lb guy doing this crash diet "to support me." He had a little bit of a belly but really nothing I thought he needed to lose.
Oh, and his "friend" (really his OW) came over to my house when I was out of town one night and made him a diet friendly dinner. That really bugged me. But I didn't say anything. Just mentioned that it was weird. Now it all makes sense. Of course, the irony is she didn't even do it right. Somehow thought "gluten free" pasta was no carb.
I know you're struggling 13. We all are. Just know you're not alone. WE'll get through this! .

[Sparkls]

I just realized how vague that first sentence was. DOn't worry, the romance novels are in no way helping her with her OM. Because they're pure fiction. If she expects real men to act that way, she'll be sorely disappointed. As far as upper her libido, maybe. but that'll fade too, just like the butterflies for the OM will. That's chemistry at its finest. Keep releasing the same neurotransmitters and they actually stop being effective as your neurons decrease the number of receptors.