[Vanilla]

OK broke.....

Boundaries can flex and be adjusted, strengthened and rewritten.

One way of measuring your progress is to take each statement and mark it out of 10. Then track it over time measuring as you go.

I took my goals and reassessed every month. I posted my scores here to make me accountable.

Now I keep my boundaries and related action statements on an excel spreadsheet and track them. I have one tab for each aspect of my life. It's ok to do this, absolutely it is.

Make it functional and accountable.

So let's try it?

You can say no V and that's ok.


V

[Vanilla]

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2518918#Post2518918

Vanilla marks her performance on 37 rules Sample.

V

[HopeRB]

It is just tricky I guess because we haven't been civil since around Thanksgiving. So, the past 5 weeks of civility is new and I just don't know if it crosses the line to "friends". I don't think so because I don't want to be his friend and I am trying to show that with my actions. However, does he think we are friends because I am being civil, which is a huge change from my raging anger in December and January…..just tough to know what he is thinking, which is mind reading anyway.

Same thing here, broke. We haven't been "cool" since Thanksgiving. But I've changed so much, hoping he notices.

On the friend thing: I do think there is a certain level of friendship that needs to grow b/c you can't be married to someone you aren't friends with. And yes, we would normally NEVER be friends with someone who would do these things to us but we're talking about a different kind of love - not just platonic. Either way, it sounds like you're doing a great job of GALing my friend. Keep up the good work.

[broke]

Vanilla - that is a great idea….I am going to grade myself using the 37 rules, and grade myself against the boundaries I set. Because we are in different homes, some of the rules and boundaries are easier than others. Will be a really good exercise to see which ones I need to focus on. Thanks!

Hope - thanks for checking in with the positive feedback….as you know, some days are better than others. Having teenage boys helps distract me and it is a blessing that I enjoy watching sports as much as they do! Today was fun with S12 - gone all day at bball games with him.

I did have two things happen at the games that reminded me of my sitch:

- I bumped into H's best friend (he cheated on his W for 2 years, moved out for 10 months and now is in MC with his wife and moving back in soon). He introduced me to someone else as "the wife of one of my friends". How about just this is my friend that I've known for 25 years?

- Another guy my H knew came and sat down by me, introduced himself and then proceeded to ask me what H thought about our favorite team losing in the first round yesterday. How the heck should I know - we don't speak?!

None of this matters except it was a reminder about the H when I really was focused on S12 and enjoying my one-on-one time with him. It is also just weird how to interact with people who know and those who don't know. I hate that I have to figure out how to handle this - I hate that I am separated and headed for divorce. But, overall, it was a really good day with S12. We are going to order food now and catch up on the new Survivor….I hope everyone else had a wonderful Saturday.

[Thornton]

It's a small world out there.

And H's best friend going back to his wife just goes to show things can change, often when we least expect it.

Perhaps he will rub off on your H!

Glad you had fun w S!

[broke]

Thornton,

Yes, I didn't think the H's best friend had it in him. I didn't think he would stop the A and go back to his W and family. But, he did. The very interesting part though was his W was his "friend" the whole 10 months….he could come and go as he pleased, she'd make family dinners, he could see the children when he wanted, attended all the kids' activities, and she continued to be intimate with him. She had no boundaries at all and they were "pretending" to still be married…..we all thought she was nuts letting him do that. He actually finally came back and told her he wanted to reconcile after he saw my H and I falling apart - said he didn't want that to happen to them. It actually "woke him up". I am so glad that my marital drama could help someone else…..supposedly he told my H that he was "delusional" for leaving me after 25 years.

But, I digress, the happy news is that they are reconciling….but it does baffle me that she was his friend and they worked it out - opposite of DB'ing. I hope my H doesn't watch what happened and think that I will be his friend...

[Sparkls]

But hey, if seeing you guys falling apart kicked the friends but in gear, maybe as they start to R, it'll do the same for your H!

[broke]

Sparkles - I was hopeful, but they started reconciling in October, the same month my H moved out. H doesn't seemed to be moved by what's happening with his friend. But I appreciate your positive thoughts :-)

Anyway, it was a good day with S12. Five weeks DB'ing. Going to evaluate the 37 rules and my boundaries tomorrow.

[HopeRB]

I love a good M restoration story, just warms me up inside. And Thornton is so right, I keep that in my heart that you never know, things can and do change and something can happen when you least expect it.

Anyway, glad you had a good day with S12! You sound like the coolest mom ever to watch sports with your kid. I think I will follow your lead and evaluate myself against the 37 rules also.

[broke]

Hope,

You made my night by saying I'm a cool mom. My boys are my greatest joy so that is a huge compliment. However, I'm really working on trying not to stress about the small stuff. I do that way too much and I get stressed and lose my temper. It's a 180 that I'm definitely working on and it's getting much better. Thanks, though, I really appreciate being told I'm doing something right, especially because for the last 8 months I've been told I'm doing everything wrong.