[JujuB]

Broke, I really don't know anymore. Many people say the cheating spouse is miserable and in turmoil. They deserve to be don't they? That is justice. But they also have to be detached in order to leave their families. Not fair. I know.

The question you and I and most of us has is, how do you really, mentally detach from someone who rejected you?

1. Some on this board date others or have attraction for someone else. Not recommended, but I find they do better. At least short term. I'm not sure about long term. I also find WS values them more. Not sure if this would be true of WAS.
2. Think of all the negatives about your spouse and why you are better off without them. (I try this and then it sets me off into such extreme anger)
3. Be busy. GAL. I try this too, but husband is always on my mind.
4. Acceptance and time? Maybe. But how long already?

Any other suggestions?.

[Thornton]

Hey Broke,

Let's be honest, you have absolutely no idea what H is thinking.

He could of came inside just to see you, ever think of it that way?

Just like you aren't showing him your cards, he sure as hell won't show you his.

Remember, it took a long time for your M to get where it's at. It will take a while for it to repair itself. Time takes time.

You have 5 weeks of solid DB'ing under your belt. Perhaps H is skeptical? Show him by your actions, that this is not an act. This is the new Broke.

Keep building on these interactions where you were able to communicate without animosity. You have to start somewhere and build upon that.

So while you see nothing but negatives, I see some positives in your sitch, Broke. Make the most of every single opportunity you have when you interact with H.

[JujuB]

Thornton, I feel like you would make a wonderful athlete. Your advise above is optimistic (when many of us are afraid to be) and non defeatist amd full of hope.

Thank you for not succumbing to doom and gloom, that is so easy in all of our situations.

Hope is scary because it can lead to disappointments. But what you are saying is also quite rational.

broke, this is great advise!

[broke]

JujuB and Thornton,

Thanks for checking in.

JujuB - I am trying numbers 3 and 4 I guess. Number 1 I am not even close to being ready for. I feel like I would "settle" right now for less than I deserve. I want to figure out who I am before I go and look for my mate. Right now, kindness, loyalty and respect sound great, so my friends are worried I would latch on to the first nice guy that came along :-). Number 2 I haven't tried yet - maybe I should because maybe that would help me detach more. Not sure.

Thornton - I think H came in the house to see S12 because he hadn't seen him in almost a week. He asked me if he could tuck him in when he dropped off S15's stuff and I said yes. But, the remainder of your advice is correct:

- I can't mind read - I never could with H.
- It did take a long time to get here and I know it could take a long time to repair.
- Yes, he probably thinks that my changes aren't permanent, that it may be an act.

Great observations, thanks for being so positive. It definitely helps!

Going to try to focus on the positive today (even with this stupid time change and dreary rain!) Hope everyone has a great start to the week!

[Thornton]

Great attitude, Broke.

Focus on the positive. Think about 3 things you are thankful for today and allow yourself to feel thankful for a while.

My IC says it's one thing to think of things to be thankful for, but it carries so much more weight when you FEEL the feelings of being thankful.

Try it, it works.

[Vanilla]

That's the whole point about mind reading- that it isn't possible.

So when you think about WH thinking it's wasting your time.

V

[broke]

Ok, so much for the positive attitude. I am just so tired.

Had a parent/teacher conference with S12 and H. For 30 minutes, I had to be with H. I acted "as if" and had light conversation with H. Conference went ok. I think my Db'ing went pretty well.

Then, I get a call from H on the way home - he is offering me tickets to a baseball game for S12 and a group of friends for S12's bday which is same weekend as Mother's Day. That is my weekend. So, as he is talking, he slips in that he would like to be invited. I was pretty noncommittal but said I would think about it. I would love everyone's thoughts on this…..my initial thought is no, you shouldn't come because we aren't a family and I shouldn't take the tickets because they are from H.

Today was hard….H and I haven't been together for more than a couple minutes in months. Spending 30 minutes trying to be light and breezy and acting "as if" is really hard. And, it just seems like he is so oblivious to the fact that he destroyed our marriage and family. I think he is just happy that I am interacting with him civilly. That I have "let him off the hook" for the affair. He seems more than content with the way things are right now. He even let me know that he was picking out the finishes for his new house today and he's planning how we divide up Spring Breaks for the kids. While I am trying very hard to take the high road for my kids and my marriage, he's okay moving into a new house and spending vacations separately. And, it breaks my heart to divide the time with the kids. I just want to be a family again…. ugh

Well, in order not to get too sad, I am going to GAL tonight by going to divorce care and make the conscious decision not to let the roller coaster dip too far down. Going to keep DB'ing for me. I am pretty sure there is not other course for me to take at this point.

[Vanilla]

What would be best for the kids? My sense is the day with you and the tickets.

V

[Sparkls]

I'm inclined to agree with V here and say I'd take the tickets but make it clear that you're doing it for the kids and that you aren't comfortable with him coming as he made it clear you aren't family anymore. But you have to decide where that boundary is for you. What you're comfortable with.

[daybyday]

Ugh! Dang there are dilemmas within dilemmas within dilemmas. Should life be this hard? ha

I'm with Sparkls and V. I would take the tickets for kids but make it clear that it would be just you and the kids. There is no reason that you have to be uncomfortable with H there and trying to act "as if" when you could be enjoying your rugrats on your day. JMHO