surrealism is not my style

[Vanilla]

Welcome Cil.

If it is ok with you then I would like is to examine how these interactions work. I always need a little marinade time.

There a couple of sitches on the board who have had these obvious minx interactions, Pinks OW had these traits as an obvious choice.

This isn't seduction but grooming, not in the sense of its word use with regard to children but with respect to manipulation of adults. Bubbles is a classic groomer style abuser, she grooms for her own ends, often inauthentically as without it these groomers are inauthentic. She is using smoke and mirrors, gaslighting techniques to disguise it. This isn't seduction.

Yet there is one key difference between seduction and grooming: The Latin root of "seduce" means "to lead away," and includes synonyms like "allure," "beguile," "entice," "solicit," and "lure." Related words are "entrap," "bewitch," and "captivate." While not entirely so, most of those terms carry negative connotations. Certainly the Latin root, "to lead away," sounds harmful.

Definitions for "grooming" include the rather sterile idea of readying someone for a specific objective ; it has as synonyms such words as: "prep," "fix," and "ready." Related words like "indoctrinate," "educate," and "train," are also cited. These words imply "grooming" is something good. And that is the rub, it's hard to detect and you question yourself.

And yes she is grooming you too.

Can you move into observer mode on this and see your interactions with bubbles as if on a movie screen and you are watching her. For instance does she reward with physical touch? Faux. Open body language, and resonant beaming 'innocent' smiles? Head tilts and duping delight. These types of women are often quite sad from abuse, being 'daddy's' little girl, spoilt or groomed themselves which is how they learned the behaviour.

There are body language implications in this, these 'tricks' are easy to learn and there are ways that this can be mirrored back or copied for use with your WH.

You may not out Minx a Minx although we can consider out foxing her.

It's time to be fox not a lion or a faun.

Does this resonate? Is this something worth examining further?

V

[Vanilla]

Oh and if I haven't yet made my thoughts clear, this grooming isn't for the sole purpose of lurve and an A. This is for deeper slightly more obtuse motives.

This style of Mata Hari OW toys with affection like a cat plays with a mouse. For pay rises, the company car, promotions, money, status, to be the bosses 'pet' , for resources, attention and to be adored. Without that they are empty. They use grooming and EA as a technique to interact with the world.

They are very vulnerable to being 'not all that' and being thought of as a 'velvetine'.

Once you know you will not be able to unknow.

See if this post is of any help:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2588773#Post2588773

Sorry link icon doesn't work on my iPad it is from the abuse resource thread.

Let me know, I think I am on the right track, I reviewed several of your posts very carefully indeed although it's your sitch. You are a very generous, loving, caring and giving person just the sort of target these minx head for, your WH is vulnerable. They often loose interest in their targets if they have less resources.

It's time to get good and angry and determined for YOU. The lovely folks on this board will support you and give you encouragement to grow and change.

V

[Vanilla]

I am concerned about you. Are you ok?

V

[ciluzen]

Thank you for the concern, V. I'm fine. I'm still taking in what you had to say. Marinating, if you will. Meanwhile, I moved over to the MLC board. I'd been following it for quite awhile, but finally decided it was time to move. H has been making tiny little changes in his dealings...could be due to...a lot of things. But I am having quite the education lately on who I am. Lots to think about.

[ciluzen]

So, V, after reading, re-reading and marinating on the ideas you posted, I've come to the conclusion that it just doesn't matter.

I can understand the dynamics at play here, and it is very educational and interesting for future things to look out for, but I'm not going to try to control this situation. I'm letting go to let H find his own way on his own journey. I can drive myself insane and get angry and bitter about the situation, but it won't help me to be a better person.

He wants to give up me, everything we built together including our family unit, and pay for it by taking a financial hit...he can. I will make sure I take the high road and continue to listen, validate, and treat him lovingly when he is present; but I will make sure I do my best to make sure I am compensated for my 26 years as his wife, lover, financial advisor, accountant, decorator, mother of his children, nurse, scheduler, receptionist, artist, housekeeper, gardener, cook, landscaper, etc. This D I will treat as a business transaction. H has maintained that I am a nice person and that he is a selfish b#st@&d. I'm not out to get him or get "revenge", but we'll see if he still thinks this when we're done.

I am going to continue to DB as if my H is in an MLC. I will stand for my M by letting it go, as Zues said. H shows many signs and symptoms, and has for years. They (he) have evolved, as well. Not sure what stage he's in, but it doesn't really affect what I'm doing. I hope if he really is, that he is able to hit bottom at some point and make it through. He was a wonderful man at one point...I'm sure there are many who have never seen him without his mask, as I have, who still think he is. I believe that wonderful man I knew and loved is even further inside still, cowering away from whoever it is that wears the mask of "wonderful man".

Right now, I'm working on finding a summer job (I work for a school and have summers off), setting up meetings at a few universities to see what it would take to for me to enter a masters degree program after 26 years away from school, and trying to ready my house for sale, with and without H. I am also trying to GAL and nurture my new friendships that I have so quickly made in this crisis. I have a fairly full plate. I'm also stepping into the cloud of the unknown, as I have no idea what will happen beyond this month financially, socially, or, really in any aspect of my life.

But, really. I'm ok.

[broke]

Ciluzen,

Your post sounds like you have a good DB plan in place to take you to a healthy place for yourself. I read it and it really resonated with me. I could have written it myself except I think you are further ahead of me on this journey. Keep GALing and detaching. Keep improving yourself and getting healthy. I hope you continue to post. I'm pulling for you.

[ciluzen]

I just so totally blew DBing this marriage. I let my anger (yes, this is new) build up and come out this week. I've already explained it on my MLC thread, but I let it all out at H. Not sure if this M could have been DBed. Now I'm pretty sure its done.

[Vanilla]

Sweetheart, it matters, it matters very much.

I am glad to see you angry, it's shift. Enjoy it, totally motivating, have a good old fashioned anger episode. It's a prime emotion you know?

A phase of grief.

A cessation off bargaining.

Have some great white anger, not red out of control anger. Get yourself into the gym and burn some energy, it's a great phase for movement.

In any case it's great DB to shift. You got unstuck, well done.

V

[ciluzen]

Yep, big shift. But venting allowed me to move forward a bit more. Not so angry again. But also not so needy.

[broke]

Glad to hear from you, ciluzen. Use that anger for your benefit….get out and exercise, burn off that anger in healthier ways and you will feel stronger mentally and physically. I am glad you feel like it moved you forward and you got unstuck.

I am not sure what exactly happened (I will try to read your MLC post), but keep DB'ing for yourself. Let's make sure we are the best versions of ourselves for our next R (with or without our spouses)!