Baby steps

[V2pt0]

Painter, just got caught up on your situation. I am sorry to hear how things have progressed, but that being said, you are a strong and amazing woman and I know you will get through this.

I'm not doing very well with DB'ing. I suppose I should make more of an effort, although it feels moot and I am really down and sad right now.

I don't think DBing is a moot point. I hope this does not sound too harsh, but I have actually felt that you have often been more focused on saving your M, rather than saving Painter. I think that your H probably senses this as he never really seemed to be fully committed to piecing. It is actually more important than ever to keep DBing, but now is the opportunity to focus completely to you.

For the most part I'm nice and we cooperate well about household issues. I made H laugh a lot today and yesterday, but towards the evening it gets harder to keep the facade up.

This seems like good DBing. Given the situation it is hard to be perfect.

Something about the dark has always triggered anxiety for me. I guess with the night, there's no hope that anything will change for the better today.

I have similar anxiety with flying back home from trips for some reason. I think it is the idea and fear of not coming home to someone or having something horrible happen and I am all alone. My H and his family is all of the family I have here where I live, so I have to stop and remind myself of my friends. This is the one thing I still struggle with, but it is slowly getting better.

I wish for us all here that we wouldn't have to go through any of this. Not a single one of us have deserved this.

agreed! Sending a big hug and positive thoughts your way.

I did a name change, so you might now know who this is straight away.

[Painter]

Hi! I saw your new thread yesterday and was going to reply but didn't have time then.

Thank you for the reminder about DB'ing, you're absolutely right. I know I'll be okay and get busy once I've relocated, but it's very difficult right now. It's especially hard living with H and with him being so affectionate. I think I lost a lot of DB'ing momentum last year, and then finding out he had been back in touch with OW for most of it (which explained a lot).

Hope to see more posts from you!

[Painter]

H is still doing this dance. Last week, I responded to his warmth and affection, thought perhaps there was hope, and he promptly distanced himself again. Not terrible, just a little. He was not reconsidering the S, but he said the pressure was off and it made him have lots of warm feelings toward me.

These last two days, I feel like I got more of a grip on my grief and panic over moving, and was focusing on my future and the opportunities. The anxiety subsided quite a bit. I took emotionally charge and consciously shifted my attention (amazing how that works!). I had dinner out with a friend yesterday so didn't see H at all.

Today, we put our first family pet to sleep - it was time and we don't regret it - but we were both a little emotional. H 'handles' that by acting extra indifferent and a little obnoxious. Tonight, he put his head in my lap and laid there for a while. He normally would NEVER do this. Then he hugged me, held me and asked me to come in and sleep with him. Not ML, unless I wanted to, just be together. I laughed a little and said I've heard that line from guys before.

He's obviously feeling lonely and wants me to take that feeling away. I asked him breezily and without expectation (because I told him before that that's not happening unless he changes his mind about the S) 'Did you change your mind about the S?' He made a little bit of a face, pulled out of the hug, and said evasively, 'Well, you're the one who brought up a separation agreement.' (I had asked him earlier if he wanted a formal agreement in place before I leave, or how separate he wanted this S to be - i.e. does he want me off the bank account, transfer titles, etc.)

That's a very typical H-reply. Not a straight yes or no, just evasive, beating around the bush-, indirect replies that places the responsibility back on me. It's his reflex. If he has time to consider and understands that a question is serious, and the stars are properly aligned, he can answer much more thoughtfully.

I didn't say anything more, didn't feel upset, disappointed, nothing. Just observing. He kept hinting as he puttered around and finally went to bed.

Was that the right way to handle this?

[Vanilla]

Are those your reasonable boundaries?

Was this enforcing?

Was this the right time to enforce or was it for the sake of it?

Is this getting you towards your goal?

Just asking, as always no V is ok.

V

[Painter]

Vanilla asked:
Are those your reasonable boundaries?

Yes.

Was this enforcing?

Yes.

Was this the right time to enforce or was it for the sake of it?

I believe it was the right time to enforce. It was to protect myself from being yo-yo'ed once again. It's happened already a number of times and I had no indication anything would be different this timme.

Is this getting you towards your goal?

Idk. Depends on what the goal is... To protect myself so I hurt less when I leave in 2 weeks - yes.

[Vanilla]

Then you did very well.

V

[Painter]

So I had started writing a post about H and our interactions, but I deleted it because I just couldn't be bothered. Is that a good sign?

[Painter]

H and I interact in a friendly way most of the time. He is extremely friendly. We are in many ways getting along better now than we did for the most of our M.

I struggle with packing and thinking about what's coming, so that bubbles up sometimes.

H keeps making advances and I reply: 'Have you changed your mind about separating?' He smiles sheepishly and deflects - so, no.

No change. Nothing feels real, it's like being awake in a nightmare.

[roist]

You were right to not give in to the nice act. If he wants in, he will have to clearly decide that.

I am sorry this is hard for you. Keep strong.

[Painter]

Thank you, Roiste. I so appreciate all the support on this board.

Our MC (I went by myself today, as I have since May) agrees - she said she sees this all the time (the nice behavior after settling on S or D) and to not be drawn in. She said nothing will change until I walk away, if it changes at all.

I talked to H again about his changed behavior today, and he said it's a mix of relief, a feeling that I can't get to him anymore (emotionally safe from criticism and control), and sadness. He also wanted to ML until I left because he'll miss it and he is attracted to me when I'm physically present. He said he'll leave me alone until I leave because he understands that it's confusing.

These are feelings that are sort of foreign to me. If I broke off a R, I wouldn't try to 'milk it' until the other person moved out. I'd pull away immediately. Otherwise I'd feel like I was taking advantage of the other person. He claims it's a 'guy thing'. Is it?

He said that he feels like he's in a box when he's in the R. That's why he's been hiding emotionally behind a wall. He agrees that he's been doing that, and only came out when it was decided I was leaving. I feel sad that he felt he had to hide like that. I'm sure it got a lot worse with the A because of course I disapproved of that.