Painter, I was reading on another marriage website that anyone is capable of cheating and that it is often just a matter of opportunity.
I don't necessarily believe that, as I had opportunities to cheat in past and made sure to disengage very early. I have opportunities to do so now (and I don't even think it would technically be considered cheating since husband left ) but still have shut it down. Most of my friends and girls I go out with have cheated and it still never Influenced me. No one in my family has been up unfaithful though, so that might be why. Maybe it's more related to family? I really don't believe that everyone is capable of cheating. I would bet my life that one of my brothers would never ever cheat as well.
What you describe with your husbands lack of communication is similar to my experience as well. My husband now says he compromised his happiness throughout the entire relationship!
Zues, do you think anyone can cheat? Do you think we all have it in us, or is there a trait or conviction that makes some do it and others not?
You know, it's really interesting you bring this up. Personally? I've got a couple of friends that are dogs. I think if I were to have wanted to cheat, I'd have heard nothing from them. There's no way I could ever have an affair, in fact at this moment I'd feel like I was cheating.
When I worked in SF, I had women express their interest on several occasions. Good looking, bright women. Never even considered it. In fact, I wasn't even flattered.
The WW? I know for a fact that 2 of her friends (well 3 actually), 1 an old high school chum and 2 mutual friends not only didn't say anything, but were enablers.
Her assistant? Protected her. Lied for her. Knew the whole time, and even lied to me when I knew!
Her parents? Her Dad, had he known would have freaked out. And, he chewed her out and could still be mad at her. But her Mother - is a very, very, very forgiving Christian. My WW could stab a baby to death, eat it, and my MIL would say that Jesus forgives. Seriously. There's nothing you could do that she would not say "oh well, if this has to happen...", even if she could do something to stop it. She wouldn't. Maybe that's a survival instinct, I don't know. But right now, there's certainly no condemnation.
So, I think that if a person is prone to cheating even a bit (my WW is, and has cheated on me in the past) you've almost got to assume that they somehow gravitate towards like-minded people. And they'll only associate with them as well.
I think if just ONE of her friends had said "WTF do you think you're doing?!?", I truly believe she'd have stopped. Instead, she had friends she talked into thinking I was bad, or always lean towards that sort of gossipy nay-saying sort of attitude anyway. We have (had) 2 friends that have a winery, and didn't tell me a thing about her being there with somebody else every Sunday. I know they were involved because of emails I read before I left. This sort of thing allowed her to get deeper and deeper in her belief/reality.
So yeah, I think one reason she's tried to keep her A as secret as possible is so nobody will confront her. She's still keeping it pretty hush hush in general. I'm sure that she's got plenty of friends with a moral compass. She just relied on the ones that didn't. In the end, that was enough to help push it forward. She's just waiting until the D is final, and then it will be public.
Me: 58 Her: 59 Kids: 0 Dog: 1 ILYBINILWY: 9/15 D Bomb: 1/11/16 (found out filed) Verified OM: 1/11/16 Moved out: 1/11/16 (thought it was temporary)
Painter, I think that most people don't even think they're cheating. They convince themselves that their M is over. That they are just trying to be supported while they muster that strength to leave the R. Something that is in everyone's best interest. And they need the support because their LBS is abusive and they need to stand up for themselves, they are the abuse victim that needs support to recover. That it's the LBS's fault because they are just trying to get their needs met that they deserve. That this person is the person they were meant to be with, because they feel the way they've always wanted to feel.
And our culture eats it up. Not many people stand up for it anymore because there is no longer a common value system, so everyone gives everyone else permission to do whatever because 'each to their own'. And if someone did stand up and speak out, well, that friend is disposable too, just make a few facebook posts and make some new friends and get some additional 'likes', that replaces the need for sharing life with the same people through it all.
Cheating has always been around. But I do think it will be more common. Not necessarily what we think of as cheating...one night stands, boss/secretary at hotels, etc. But this type of relationship hopping where the hopping starts before the relationship ends...yes, this is going to be very common. Already is.
Will everyone cheat. No, I don't think so. I never will. Just a fact. How am I so sure? Because there are ZERO women in my life. My mom. My daughters. But I don't have girl friends, I don't hang out in mixed gender settings. I only had room for one woman in my life, my XW. Now there is not room for any woman in my life. If that changes, it would max out at one again. That's how I roll. And I would never leave that woman, or cheat on that woman. So if I feel that way, I'm sure others like me do as well.
What do you think?
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
How do we solve health insurance? Taxes? All that kind of stuff. H believes he's a subject matter expert on everything and there's no need to talk to our CPA or a L about any of this. It's causing friction, anger and arguments.
6 days until I leave.
I couldn't agree more with your reasoning, Painter. Also, don't just rely on L. Ith regard to taxes, I would actually talk to tax account. I failed to do this and it is not looking good.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
Painter, I was reading on another marriage website that anyone is capable of cheating and that it is often just a matter of opportunity.
I don't necessarily believe that, as I had opportunities to cheat in past and made sure to disengage very early. I have opportunities to do so now (and I don't even think it would technically be considered cheating since husband left ) but still have shut it down. Most of my friends and girls I go out with have cheated and it still never Influenced me. No one in my family has been up unfaithful though, so that might be why. Maybe it's more related to family? I really don't believe that everyone is capable of cheating. I would bet my life that one of my brothers would never ever cheat as well.
I agree with you, JuJu. What you wrote pretty much sums up me. While I did in the last couple of months start to have some crushes on 1-2 people from afar, I had decided I was not going to act on anything until I was D. It just did not feel right.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
Son and I are heading out for our 1000 mile drive this morning. I've been packing and sorting non-stop since Friday, H finally started helping when I told him I would need another week to get ready.
It is very, very strange to leave my house for the last time. I have no expectations (or wish?) to return.
I had a brief chat with H's closest friend who was here to help move the big stuff yesterday, and he said H had told him it was over with OW ages ago. H had never told him he was in contact with her again most of last year and thought about moving in together as late as December. He was shocked and said he wishes we could work it out.
H has been very angry and mean, but is nicer when son is around, so that made things easier the last day.
I am choosing to look at the home that I created as a sand mandala. If I can do it once, I can do it again, the ability is in me and not dependent on this place.
More posting to follow from the road...
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
I'm surprised by my own calm. I have dear friends praying for me and supporting me. My son is by my side like the rock he has always been in my life. My sweet dog is with me, showering me with affection and attention. I feel lucky, in the middle of everything.
Zues, I think you make a great point when you state that the WS doesn't consider it cheating. H kept repeating, 'I thought we were separated.' I asked him why he then thought he needed to keep it a secret, and lie to me?
I had a chance to have an A - a friend I talked to a lot after I discovered H's A. He is M and I also know his W. I ignored the advances, then cut off contact when it got to be too much. It's a shame, because I liked our friendship.
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
