Here again after 9 years and struggling 4

[inpain]

Hi Vanilla, thank you so much for posting!

Your post gives me a lot to think about. You are right, I need to detach and let go of expectations, I am struggling with not having expectations from doing these exercises.

This makes sense to him, he has reasons no matter how out of the box they seem to you.

This comment was very thought provoking! I see what you're saying, that H has his reasons. I suppose what I'm really saying is that whatever his reasons, the fact that he (to me) has acted so selfishly the last 5 months with total disregard to what it is doing to the children, makes me see him in a different light. He's not the man I thought he was. I can't think of anything in the world bad enough to leave my children over. I know...I'm not him.

It can be and I think it would be helpful for you to know if this is the case for you.

This is keeping me awake at night at the moment. Until we started doing the exercises in this book I had been feeling so much better. I was getting on great without him and starting to think that, yes, I can do this. I'm seriously worried my feelings have gone for H because of all the pain he has caused me (and the children) with this event and all the others over the years. I don't know how to determine if it is normal to feel like this at the beginning of a possible reconciliation or if I have truly lost my feelings for him. My worry is the children being hurt further by another BD.

[inpain]

Hi Cherry, thanks for posting!

I'm so sorry your H has done this again and can understand your exhaustion. DBing seems to be an endless, thankless task. If you're like me, even friends and family don't understand and constantly tell me to give up and I'd be better off without H because of everything he's done!

How did I get through this last time? It was so much easier last time. At that time I was crazy in love with H and after only 2 weeks of NC he started asking me to go on days out with him and our little boy who was 2 at the time. After 4 months he came home but I know now that we rushed that part of it and I let him back in way too easily. He didn't have to work for the R at all and I think that has given him an air of invincibility. He seems to think he can do whatever he likes and I will just always put up with it and be there.

Every trip out I was the perfect DBer. No R talk, and always portrayed my happiest self. I cried myself to sleep every night though.

It is harder this time because I'm not as crazy in love with him because of the years of mistrust due to his repeated contact with OW. It is also harder because now it is affecting our children. They are older and they are hurting and my mummy bear instinct kicks in. Last time our son was only 2 and I just told him daddy was at work all the time. To this day he doesn't know daddy left for 4 months.

I had a quick read of some of your posts and I know how awful it is to be living like that. The last few months before H walked out he was like that with me. Look after yourself Cherry, I know it's hard.

[inpain]

Just journalling really. We have continued to do the exercises in the book every night. H definitely seems to be 'warming up' towards me. He comes every night without fail and when I was bed ridden on Saturday due to illness he sat with the kids all day and was very attentive and caring towards me.

He has surprised me yesterday too actually. He was on his day shift which means he has to be up at 5am. He didn't get back from work until 6:45pm and text me to say he'd just got in. 'Here's tonight's excuse!' I thought. Ever since he left a text like that has always preceded another saying, "Not coming round, tired, going to bed early." To my surprise he still came round and stayed until the kids were in bed so that we could do the book.

Only 3 more exercises to do. I'm still very worried about my own feelings and struggling to make sense of them. At the back of my mind there is a little voice telling me that I deserve better than someone who cuts and runs whenever the M hits a period where it's not all head over heels love.

[Zues126]

At the back of my mind there is a little voice telling me that I deserve better than someone who cuts and runs whenever the M hits a period where it's not all head over heels love.

He might be someone that cuts and runs when the M hits a tough patch...but then again he's here doing the exercises so maybe he is someone that has the commitment to work through those tough times. In fact, if you look at most M's, the best of them go through times like this, the majority don't make it. Glass half full.

Meanwhile, hold yourself to the same standard and focus on what YOU bring. He deserves someone that doesn't feel they deserve better when he's navigating through the hardest patch in his life. Be supportive, patient, appreciative, and loyal. That's what he deserves. Provide that and let him worry about his half.

[Vanilla]

Your WH will mourn the loss of his R with OW if it truly is over.

Waywards aren't usually in love with their A partner, they are in love with the way they feel about thems elves whilst in the A.

By becoming the best you can be you stand to win a new R with your WH.

I believe it is about attracting your WH back to you. A new R doesn't start because you are a great mother or a wonderful wife. It happens because two people are attracted to each other.

That works two ways, we are attracted to those who are attracted to us. Truly that is the case.

Are you attracted to WH?

This troubles you and I think this is natural, when we are hurt it is natural to be protective of ourselves.

Are you hanging on to OW as well as WH missing the feelings he gets from his A.

I often see LBS being obsessed with an OM or OW, when in actual fact it is their spouses behaviour which is the issue. Most As don't survive the spotlight on them, they only work in secrecy and the limmerance phase. Waywards would feel that way about a kangaroo if that gave them the feeling they needEd. Any port in a storm.

So can you be attracted to your WH?

V

[ciluzen]

Hey, IP. I just wanted to pop over and say hello. I'm still here keeping up on your situation and you seem to be doing well (even if you don't feel it sometimes). You are getting great advice from everyone and a lot of great insight.

I do want to point out one thing in your posts.

"I suppose what I'm really saying is that whatever his reasons, the fact that he (to me) has acted so selfishly the last 5 months with total disregard to what it is doing to the children, makes me see him in a different light."

I really don't think he is acting completely selfish or disregarding what he is doing to the children. He is coming over to your house to spend time with them. He may not know HOW to spend time with them the way YOU would like him to, but he is making an effort to be with them. This shows he is aware that his absence affects them and he is trying to stay in their lives. He cares, but is fighting his own inner battles as well.

He is also attempting to work with you on the exercises in the book. This is not a sign of someone who doesn't care. He is making an effort.

You are describing a man who is tired, exhausted, by work and whatever emotional turmoil is going on inside of him. As you well know from your own emotional turmoil, it is exhausting and debilitating. Add to that the fact that whatever is going on with him, he felt he HAD to leave; and now he has to split time between his own life and the life of the family he obviously still feels responsible for. And he STILL COMES OVER.

I know this is hard. Very, very hard. I'm not discounting your feelings. I see your strength, your love for your children, and your confusion and...yes, your ANGER at your H. It is unfair. But you actually have the upper hand. You just don't realize it yet.

You have a purpose. You have the love and support of your children as well as the duty to take care of them. He is the one left out of this picture by his own actions. Do you really think he doesn't feel that? Focus on your kids and focus on you... not on the "problem" your H has become. Right now, he is fighting an enormous battle within himself. He doesn't have any idea how to handle his issues. You can't fight his battle for him or hurry him along. YOU CAN BE THE LIGHTHOUSE, BUT YOU CANNOT STEER THE SHIP AWAY FROM THE ROCKS. YOU CANNOT STEER THE SHIP AT ALL. JUST SIT ON YOUR ROCK AND SHINE YOUR LIGHT. LET HIM RIDE IT OUT OR STEER HIS SHIP. AS A LIGHTHOUSE, YOU DON'T EVEN NEED TO WATCH.

H is out there steering his ship in the dark. Let him. It is kind to yourself and to him to let him find his own way. It shows strength if you can stop thinking of how selfish he is and start understanding how in pain Mr. Inpain is and let him deal with it on his own. Hug your kids, be their fun and happy mom, enjoy them and show them the strength of your understanding and patience with your H's battle.

If you can shift your focus away, it will get better. It really will.

[Irish M]

I'm still very worried about my own feelings and struggling to make sense of them. At the back of my mind there is a little voice telling me that I deserve better than someone who cuts and runs whenever the M hits a period where it's not all head over heels love.

Hi Inpain,
you have a H who is doing the work. that voice in your head is both instinct and protection. You like me have experienced this twice from our spouses. We deserve a medal or do we deserve a kick in the butt. It's normal your guard is up.

I pray your H has learned what he needed to be complete and is not still halfway through his journey. OW needs to be out of his thoughts and life.

Take your time. You may only have 3 lessons left together but your H has a long way to go. He needs to regain your trust. Not an easy task if you don't let him try. It will hopefully be a new relationship with a matured H who knows what he wants. Let's pray he has figured this out.

hugs

[inpain]

He might be someone that cuts and runs when the M hits a tough patch...but then again he's here doing the exercises so maybe he is someone that has the commitment to work through those tough times. In fact, if you look at most M's, the best of them go through times like this, the majority don't make it. Glass half full.

Meanwhile, hold yourself to the same standard and focus on what YOU bring. He deserves someone that doesn't feel they deserve better when he's navigating through the hardest patch in his life. Be supportive, patient, appreciative, and loyal. That's what he deserves. Provide that and let him worry about his half.

Zues, thank you so much for this post! It is very deep and meaningful and is helping me to see things from H's point of view too. It is hard to remember that the WAS is having a hard time when it is their choice. Thank you for the reminder.

[inpain]

Your WH will mourn the loss of his R with OW if it truly is over.

It has been over for years Vanilla (well, as far as I know, of course) but the fallout from it has troubled our M ever since.

I believe it is about attracting your WH back to you. A new R doesn't start because you are a great mother or a wonderful wife. It happens because two people are attracted to each other.

That works two ways, we are attracted to those who are attracted to us. Truly that is the case.

Are you attracted to WH?

This is what makes me so afraid and sad Vanilla - I don't think I am . All I see when I look at him is a man who has caused me pain over and over again for years and right now he is not a person I can even like, never mind be attracted to.

So can you be attracted to your WH?

V

I really don't know. I think it would take a LOT of work from him and I don't think he would be prepared to do the work. This has been proven from the last few years after the fallout from his EA. He wasn't prepared to put in the work to build up my trust. He thought I should be over it all and happy after a couple of months.

[inpain]

Hey, IP. I just wanted to pop over and say hello. I'm still here keeping up on your situation and you seem to be doing well (even if you don't feel it sometimes). You are getting great advice from everyone and a lot of great insight.

I do want to point out one thing in your posts.

"I suppose what I'm really saying is that whatever his reasons, the fact that he (to me) has acted so selfishly the last 5 months with total disregard to what it is doing to the children, makes me see him in a different light."

I really don't think he is acting completely selfish or disregarding what he is doing to the children. He is coming over to your house to spend time with them. He may not know HOW to spend time with them the way YOU would like him to, but he is making an effort to be with them. This shows he is aware that his absence affects them and he is trying to stay in their lives. He cares, but is fighting his own inner battles as well.

Ciluzen, thank you so, so much for this post, it is amazing! It has really made me think about things and see some good points to H's behaviour instead of me just thinking painful, angry thoughts about him.

He is also attempting to work with you on the exercises in the book. This is not a sign of someone who doesn't care. He is making an effort.

Again, you are right. His behaviour over these past months has been so frustrating it is hard for me to see passed that and see some good in the situation. Deep down I feel like it is just another stall for time from him I think.

You are describing a man who is tired, exhausted, by work and whatever emotional turmoil is going on inside of him. As you well know from your own emotional turmoil, it is exhausting and debilitating. Add to that the fact that whatever is going on with him, he felt he HAD to leave; and now he has to split time between his own life and the life of the family he obviously still feels responsible for. And he STILL COMES OVER.

Again you are right, I really hadn't thought of it like that at all.

I know this is hard. Very, very hard. I'm not discounting your feelings. I see your strength, your love for your children, and your confusion and...yes, your ANGER at your H. It is unfair. But you actually have the upper hand. You just don't realize it yet.

You have a purpose. You have the love and support of your children as well as the duty to take care of them. He is the one left out of this picture by his own actions. Do you really think he doesn't feel that?

It is hard for me to see that he feels it but I would like to think that he does. Except for our daughter's birthday a couple of weeks ago he hasn't shown that he feels like he's missing out at all, but you are right, he is the one left out by his own actions.

Focus on your kids and focus on you... not on the "problem" your H has become. Right now, he is fighting an enormous battle within himself. He doesn't have any idea how to handle his issues. You can't fight his battle for him or hurry him along. YOU CAN BE THE LIGHTHOUSE, BUT YOU CANNOT STEER THE SHIP AWAY FROM THE ROCKS. YOU CANNOT STEER THE SHIP AT ALL. JUST SIT ON YOUR ROCK AND SHINE YOUR LIGHT. LET HIM RIDE IT OUT OR STEER HIS SHIP. AS A LIGHTHOUSE, YOU DON'T EVEN NEED TO WATCH.

I love this! I absolutely love it Ciluzen, thank you, thank you!

H is out there steering his ship in the dark. Let him. It is kind to yourself and to him to let him find his own way. It shows strength if you can stop thinking of how selfish he is and start understanding how in pain Mr. Inpain is and let him deal with it on his own. Hug your kids, be their fun and happy mom, enjoy them and show them the strength of your understanding and patience with your H's battle.

If you can shift your focus away, it will get better. It really will.

This part made me cry the first time I read it, I truly hope you're right about the getting better part. Whichever way it gets better. I am certainly doing lots of hugging and fun with my kids. I truly don't know where I'd be without them right now! x