Hi Inpain, you have a H who is doing the work. that voice in your head is both instinct and protection. You like me have experienced this twice from our spouses. We deserve a medal or do we deserve a kick in the butt. It's normal your guard is up.
Hi Irish, thank you so much for this post, it has really helped me! I ask myself the 'medal or kick in the butt' question on a daily basis! My family think it is the latter that I need! You are right, I think the fact that it is the second time we have been put through this gives a whole different aspect to it all.
Originally Posted By: IrishM
Take your time. You may only have 3 lessons left together but your H has a long way to go. He needs to regain your trust. Not an easy task if you don't let him try. It will hopefully be a new relationship with a matured H who knows what he wants. Let's pray he has figured this out.
Hmmmm...you are right, H does have a long way to go. I don't think there is going to be any heartfelt statement of intent to reconcile at the end of these sessions and I seriously worry and doubt H's ability to regain my trust. He hasn't managed to do that in almost 5 years since the second round with the OW. He just doesn't think there is anything he can do to regain my trust and doesn't see that it is his job to do it! I hope I'm wrong, but past experience isn't giving me good vibes about this, sadly. Still, I will pray with you that he has figured it out! x
Hey inpain, thought I would read your posts. I'm about to be delivered with the bd#2 talk and feel like I can't cope anymore.
The way you said after the last time that you took him back quickly and no work was done on your h's part to rebuild the r rings true to me too. My h didn't put in any work. Hence why I find myself back here again.
It's nice to read your strength. I hope I get there. And I pray that he has figured out his part and what he needs to do.
This feeling hurts like absolute hell.
Last edited by Cadet; 04/07/1606:37 PM. Reason: Start a new thread message
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
I really don't know. I think it would take a LOT of work from him and I don't think he would be prepared to do the work. This has been proven from the last few years after the fallout from his EA. He wasn't prepared to put in the work to build up my trust. He thought I should be over it all and happy after a couple of months.
Don't worry. Your brain and heart are terrible predictors of what you might or might not feel in the future. Right now you feel betrayed, hurt, misunderstood, etc. It feels like in order for you to feel differently about him he'd have to see things your way, understand you completely, change in tons of ways to value things the exact same, apologize for all of his wrongness, etc.
I don't believe it. My belief is that people feel good about people that meet their basic needs. If things moved forward and he was consistently there you would start to feel secure. If he continued to make time to listen to your day and support you through your struggles you'd start to feel understood. Etc. Without any of this other stuff, just by sharing daily life and being there consistently the feelings might very well come back.
No one is ever understood. We just hold hands through the misunderstandings and that's what feels like love.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
M51 XW43 (38 at bd) BD1 MAY 30 2015 BD2 JUNE 25 2015 by text moved out Aug 2 2015 left both Daughters 13 and 15 (now 18-20) Her divorce Final July 26 2016 Last time she saw her kids Aug 2 2015
Don't worry. Your brain and heart are terrible predictors of what you might or might not feel in the future. Right now you feel betrayed, hurt, misunderstood, etc. It feels like in order for you to feel differently about him he'd have to see things your way, understand you completely, change in tons of ways to value things the exact same, apologize for all of his wrongness, etc.
I don't believe it. My belief is that people feel good about people that meet their basic needs. If things moved forward and he was consistently there you would start to feel secure. If he continued to make time to listen to your day and support you through your struggles you'd start to feel understood. Etc. Without any of this other stuff, just by sharing daily life and being there consistently the feelings might very well come back.
No one is ever understood. We just hold hands through the misunderstandings and that's what feels like love.
Thank you so much for this post Zues, it really made me see things could perhaps be OK if he decided he wanted to reconcile. I understand what you mean about feeling attracted to someone because they are doing loving things. Watering the grass I suppose!
Hi Rouky and Irish, thank you both for looking in on me! I've had an extremely busy week back at work after the Easter holidays - haven't had time to post!
We went on a family day out on the last day of the holidays which was good, it was like there was nothing wrong, but then at the end of it H still just walks off 'home' to his Dad's house.
It is all starting to just feel too weird for me. He comes round for hours on end when he isn't working (or doesn't want to go to drinking with his Dad or colleagues) and then just walks off. I'm starting to think I am letting him get too cozy in this alternate universe of his and he's cake eating. We have finished the exercises in the book now (on Tuesday) and nothing has been said since about anything to do with R. I feel irritated when he is here because he just sits in a chair for hours, looking at his phone or tablet and occasionally speaking to one of us, while I buzz around doing everything, then walks away. He has no responsibilities and is still not living in the real world. It has been over 5 months since he left now. I'm not sure what my next move should be because I don't want things to continue like this.
