Hi Rouky, I'm OK thank you. Plodding along in this new, unwanted life we've been thrown into. I've been busy this weekend helping S11 with a large homework project he has to hand in tomorrow. Other than that it has just been work and housework this week.
I still feel like my life is on hold waiting for H to make a move. We finished the exercises in the book on Tuesday and nothing has been said since. He bought me a chocolate bar yesterday and seemed to want all the praise in the world for it. He still comes round daily but just sits in 'his' chair looking at his phone. It is driving me crazy. I don't feel like we can relax and live our lives when he is here. My Mum thinks he comes round so much so that he can access the internet on his phone, because his Dad doesn't have internet access. I'm beginning to wonder if she might be right.
I'm also very worried about what this is doing to the children, all of this every day access. It is not something that could continue if he decides not to return to the M and I worry that their hearts will be broken all over again.
I'm also wondering what everyone's families say about the break ups and divorce busting/getting back together? My whole family think I'd be out of my mind to take H back after this. They don't see how I could ever trust him again. They also don't think he is a good dad and that the kids would be better not seeing him every day. It makes it so difficult to know what I want or how I truly feel. He has destroyed my world twice now, who's to say he wouldn't do it again?
Great hearing from you. I'm not happy that your H is still cake eating but I'm happy you are still here working on yourself. It's not your H putting your life on hold it's you. I think you still need time to process everything.
Your exercises are now competed. Is there a next step, more homework to work on with H?
To answer your question. My family and friends think that I should never ever take her back. She did this twice as well and abandoning the girls both times. I see that she is sick and like any other desease I would never quit on her and walk away. At the same time if she doesn't want to get better then I can't help her. She would have to do so much work. I let mine go and we'll see later on where she ends up. it's a long way away so I will live my life as if she's not coming back. Where I'll be later on will decide what I do. My choice. One thing for sure if she doesn't do everything she needs to do and is a complete person, I won't even look at her.
Until you are able to sit back and really see what you want for your life and you take full control of it, you will be in limbo. DB'ing and waiting for your H to cook is not limbo. He's the one in limbo. You are just watching him to closely.
Love those kids and love yourself :-)
Hugs Irish
M51 XW43 (38 at bd) BD1 MAY 30 2015 BD2 JUNE 25 2015 by text moved out Aug 2 2015 left both Daughters 13 and 15 (now 18-20) Her divorce Final July 26 2016 Last time she saw her kids Aug 2 2015
Great hearing from you. I'm not happy that your H is still cake eating but I'm happy you are still here working on yourself. It's not your H putting your life on hold it's you. I think you still need time to process everything.
Hi Irish, it's interesting you say the above, my Mum says the same, that it is me putting my life on hold. It does confuse me though, because I feel like I'm waiting for H to make a final, definite decision. I don't feel like I have any other choice but to wait for him to do that. The only way I could not have my life on hold would be to tell him that I don't want him back. You're right, I do still need time to process everything, I am feeling very, very confused and torn about my feelings and I can't seem to make sense of it all.
Originally Posted By: IrishM
Your exercises are now competed. Is there a next step, more homework to work on with H?
H has been working nights since we last did the book. Finally tonight he asked how many more exercises there were left to do. I told him we'd already done the last one and he said he hadn't realised. He asked what is next so I read out the final paragraph to him. It suggests making a contract about how you will treat each other with respect in the relationship. Obviously it cannot apply to us as we have no relationship of the marital kind right now. H fell silent and then said he was going home as he was tired. I asked him what conclusions he drew from the book and he said he drew none. I asked where that leaves us and he said, "We continue moving forward." I asked what moving forward meant to him and he said he didn't know, he has no idea and no plans. (Arrrgggghhh!!) I just said, "Oh," and screamed internally. He then said he thought we should go out on our own and suggested our favourite restaurant.
I know I keep saying this, but I'm so confused. A few months ago I'd have been jumping for joy at H suggesting this, now I feel empty, afraid and numb. I know it is a huge step that everyone here would be so grateful for. His overall behaviour just irritates me now. The way he comes round and literally sits in a chair for hours on end. Is that the way he wishes to live now? To just sit surfing the internet whenever he isn't at work, or is it a "fog faze".
He also acted like a child tonight when our S had an outburst and threatened to 'just leave'. I worry so much about the negative behaviours he is showing our S. It makes me so sad.
When he left he kissed lent towards me and kissed my hair.
Originally Posted By: IrishM
To answer your question. My family and friends think that I should never ever take her back. She did this twice as well and abandoning the girls both times. I see that she is sick and like any other desease I would never quit on her and walk away. At the same time if she doesn't want to get better then I can't help her. She would have to do so much work. I let mine go and we'll see later on where she ends up. it's a long way away so I will live my life as if she's not coming back. Where I'll be later on will decide what I do. My choice. One thing for sure if she doesn't do everything she needs to do and is a complete person, I won't even look at her.
Thanks for answering my question Irish. It sounds like your family feel the same way towards your W as mine do to my H, and with good reason too. This also worries me. How could anything ever be right again when my family feel this way towards him?
Originally Posted By: IrishM
Until you are able to sit back and really see what you want for your life and you take full control of it, you will be in limbo. DB'ing and waiting for your H to cook is not limbo. He's the one in limbo. You are just watching him to closely.
Love those kids and love yourself :-)
Again I know you are right. I just don't know how to figure it out. I have so many conflicting thoughts:
I don't want to continue watching H treat S how he does yet I don't want the children to grow up in a 'non traditional' family unit.
I don't want to live the rest of my life without a partner yet I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't respect me and cherish me.
I don't know how I'm every going to make sense of it all.
Thank you as always for your post and help, I appreciate it so much Irish.
I understand how you can be confused. You loved this man for so long and he's acting in a way you just can't comprehend. You want to wake up from this horrible dream you are having.
I think if your H woke up, did the work and rebuilt the relationship into a more mature one that finally shows that he grew up. Your family would accept him back as long as they see him treating you the way you deserve to be treated, they'll accept him.
You will too, if he does the work.
When I say move on its more for you to get where you need to be. Your H may be like this for another month or maybe 5 years. We don't know and you have no controle over him. You do control yourself.
There's nothing wrong with waiting for your H to wake up. I just don't want it to make you lose yourself. You are an amazing person. Your kids will witness your strength in all this.
You are so much stronger , you got this :-)
Ohhh, your mum sounds very cool
Irish
M51 XW43 (38 at bd) BD1 MAY 30 2015 BD2 JUNE 25 2015 by text moved out Aug 2 2015 left both Daughters 13 and 15 (now 18-20) Her divorce Final July 26 2016 Last time she saw her kids Aug 2 2015
I agree with Irish. Please don't take this wrong, but I don't think your H has done ANY work. You said,"do these exercise or no more coming to the house". So he did the exercises. He did the minimum required. He needs to do the work, and he hasn't. He just did what you told him to do. I don't know what to tell you to do, but I do feel like he hasn't expressed remorse, guilt, or made an effort on his own to move things forward in the right direction. i DO think he will, but you need to stop enabling him doing the minimum.
You are a great person and the point of doing this the right way, is to make it the last time you up in this sitch, not just to fix things for now.
I think if your H woke up, did the work and rebuilt the relationship into a more mature one that finally shows that he grew up. Your family would accept him back as long as they see him treating you the way you deserve to be treated, they'll accept him.
You will too, if he does the work.
Yes, you're probably right. Actually, my Dad did say he was no longer welcome in his house ever again last time H did this but he gradually accepted that we were back together and that things were going well. Mind you, H didn't behave anywhere nearly as bad as this last time, or for as long!
Originally Posted By: IrishM
When I say move on its more for you to get where you need to be. Your H may be like this for another month or maybe 5 years. We don't know and you have no controle over him. You do control yourself.
There's nothing wrong with waiting for your H to wake up. I just don't want it to make you lose yourself. You are an amazing person. Your kids will witness your strength in all this.
Thanks Irish! I see what you mean. I did feel that before H started coming round more frequently that I was getting on with my life quite well, considering. I was enjoying life every day and found myself quite often realising I was back to my fun loving self now that I wasn't weighed down by H's permanent nitpicking at our S. I suppose what I meant by not being able to move on was in the real sense rather than my emotional self. I feel like I would need access arrangements and financial matters sorting to feel that I could move on. While H is still able to walk into the house and stay as long as he likes, whenever he likes, I feel trapped in this limbo. Everyone is telling me to 'run for the hills' so to speak. It makes it so hard to know what I truly want.
Originally Posted By: IrishM
Ohhh, your mum sounds very cool
Haha, thanks! She is! She doesn't stand for any nonsense, H wouldn't stand a chance with her lol!
Hi Cubebot, thank you so much for posting, I appreciate as much help and opinions as I can get!
Originally Posted By: cubebot
I agree with Irish. Please don't take this wrong, but I don't think your H has done ANY work. You said,"do these exercise or no more coming to the house". So he did the exercises. He did the minimum required. He needs to do the work, and he hasn't. He just did what you told him to do. I don't know what to tell you to do, but I do feel like he hasn't expressed remorse, guilt, or made an effort on his own to move things forward in the right direction. i DO think he will, but you need to stop enabling him doing the minimum.
You are absolutely right, he hasn't expressed any remorse or guilt and made no effort of his own accord. Just today I thought to myself that given the current situation and my assumption that doing these exercises was with a view to reconciling, you'd think he'd be on his 'best behaviour' when he comes round and be trying to impress. Every day that goes by he is becoming more and more firm with the kids and I find myself sitting with my head in my hands in despair listening to it all. Just like last time I have done all the work to look at myself and my part in the M issues and change myself for the better and he has done nothing except suit himself.
Originally Posted By: cubebot
You are a great person and the point of doing this the right way, is to make it the last time you up in this sitch, not just to fix things for now.
I'm no vet, not by a long shot.
Hmmmm, you're right! I certainly let him back far too easilly last time. He did no work and I let him waltz straight back in. I need to be tougher this time, that's for sure!
