I have been reading here for years. I feel like I know many of you--not only from reading your posts, but because I can relate to almost all of it. While I may be coming out on the other side--my H has been back for over a year--I am still trying to heal. I think that is in large part because I did not DB enough while he was gone. I just want to emphasize to all of you why it's so important, help some of you see things from the other side, and mostly give back to this community that really saved me in my darkest days! I also would totally appreciate any 2by4s you want to throw at me. I am where many of you can only hope to be, but I have so many days I question myself and all of it.
Like many of you my H was thick in the fog for a long time. Had an EA, became an alien, took off, EA turned to PA, and he turned our family upside for a long time. I fell hard. I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, lost over 30 pounds, my kids struggled, I lost friends, almost lost my job and home, and my life came crashing down. I lived with daily anxiety and stress, and to boot had the humiliation of this affair staring me in the face! I gathered all the support I could--friends, family, meds, therapy, exercised, went out, and read these boards daily. I tried to DB, but blew it often--lashing out, crying, begging, ignoring him, ect. All I wanted was my marriage and family back. That was my entire focus.
After a few failed attempts, seemed like almost overnight and out of nowhere he was back. It was different. Ended his A, was in therapy, we started marriage therapy, he did a complete 180, he was remorseful, he was transparent, has taken full responsibility, and he has remained this way. The most enormous wave of relief I have ever experienced! ... But it was short-lived. ... This man destroyed me. And I let him. I will never forget what I went through.
Perhaps, I should be in the piecing thread, but there is not much activity. And honestly, we are both doing whatever we can. I think the problem lies in me. I don't think I DB enough while he was gone. He came back to a broken person. And for that I still have a huge wall up. I still have a lot of resentment and shame. I am not sure there is much else he can do at this point. We love each other. Kids are doing great. But I certainly do not feel the same way I did before--that is over--and I am still grieving the loss of this man I loved and respected so much.
That being said, I have heard it all from the other side now. I get it. Listen to the vets here. Everything they are saying is for a reason! Those times he saw me moving on, and focusing on myself, and when I didn't attack him and became more approachable, he seconded guessed himself 100 fold. But only when it was genuine, not when I was trying to trap him.
I am not sure why I decided to make an acct and post after all these years, and this is somewhat impulsive. But if you have a spouse thick in an A or fog, I just might be able to give you some additional insight. Because what they are saying and doing is often 90% based on fear and emotions. There is little rational going on in their heads. Or there wasn't in the case of my H; a lot of fear, anger, and self-doubt.
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Thanks for coming here to help and especially to give hope by sharing your story.I look forward to reading more.
Can you outline your timeframe?
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
Healing from infidelity is hard, really hard. Piecing isn't easy either.
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
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Would sure love to hear more about piecing here.And healing from infidelity. Thanks.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
Please excuse me if I don't reply/quote correctly; I still need to learn how to use these boards correctly. Let me know how I can better answer questions/post.
Thank you, Cristy. You are correct, this is very hard. This is the hardest thing I have ever done. I could check off the list for you in terms of things to do to heal after an affair, but until I make this mental switch (for lack of a better term), I find myself still feeling stuck. Especially when there are triggers everywhere. While it is incredibly painful to be in crisis mode being a LBS, there is also that crutch of blame that became a constant source of security. The raw emotions around acceptance and forgiveness takes a strength and confidence that I just cannot seem to keep in my grasp. Any slip up on his part, or trigger, and my wall is right back up. I can very easily lapse back into sadness and rage. Mainly, I so terribly miss how I used to feel about him. So while many of you are hanging on to the love/longing you have for your spouse, just keep in mind that they are no longer that person. That marriage is over. I do not respect and feel in love with my husband the way I did before this happened. Not at all. That is why in DB it is critical that you focus on self love--not getting the love back that you lost.
Roist, I have been thinking a lot about what and how much to share. I think what has prevented me from posting over the years is the need for anonymity. Mainly fear. If I detailed my situation and timeline, I would think it would be easy to figure out who I am. We live in a small town as well.
So roughly: He had an EA for 6-12 months, we were separated for about 1 year while he had his full blown relationship, and he came back about 1 year ago. I am still on the roller coaster, and it's very hard to just shake off the triggers and fall in love again. It is not the same.
On thing that I want all of you to know is that your WAS knows what they are doing is wrong. He was plagued by guilt the ENTIRE time. When I was cordial, his guilt worsened. When I was angry/lashed out, he was further able to justify why he left.
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Please excuse me if I don't reply/quote correctly; I still need to learn how to use these boards correctly. Let me know how I can better answer questions/post.
Read the board policy thread pinned at the top of the forum. It will explain HOW to Quote in it.
I just realized that my thread title makes no sense. Ha! What it should say is "WAS back," because I was the LBS and never actually went anywhere! ... Although I do think about it now to be honest. This piecing business is no joke.
When I read through these threads, my heart aches for all of you. I was exactly in the same place! I still have so much PTSD from that year that H was off having his A. I felt anxious, depressed, and sick all the time. My poor kids had a shell of a mom that year and were in limbo too. It's so hard to forgive someone and let them back in after they have tortured you. I've been through all the steps, books, therapy, I do love him, I do want this to work, but there is a huge BUT.... but I do not love him and respect him the way I used to.
So why am I telling you all of this? Because during that year, I read these boards often, but I did not DB. I read but did not follow. I did not take the focus off of him and really work on myself! Each time I blew it, I pushed him further away. More importantly, I am still so wounded! I can't keep beating myself up over it, but I can now, start to focus more on my own happiness, what I want, and really learn to take care of myself. Him coming back did not "fix me." And it is very hard to piece when you have this level of hurt/resentment.
I see all of you focusing on every move your spouse makes and trying to read into every interaction, text, what they are doing and why, and I am telling you, it doesn't matter as much as you think!!! They are struggling and wounded as much as you are. You don't have to torture yourself. You are in crisis mode so trust others, that this is not healthy and not productive.
Be kind to yourself! And think of what you would tell a friend. Do you really want this person back as they are? Until they show you they are committed to you, are remorseful, and willing to do whatever it takes to repair the damage, then the answer is quite simple. NO! You do not.
So please trust me--I have come out on the other side--analyzing their every move will not bring them back, and it may push them further away. It tortures you and your self esteem also. So take the focus OFF of them and take care of the person that matters most. YOU!
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
