One thing to know about H is that he was guilt-ridden the entire time, during the EA and during the PA while he was gone. It always bothered him and he knew what he was doing was wrong. It also always bothered him that he never worked on us. He knew he owed it to me, the kids, and himself to at least try and he never did. That haunted him.
Things came crashing down for him. While he tried a few times to leave his A and come back, it didn't work. He was only doing it because it was the right thing to do, not because it was what he wanted. I heard a lot of BS about how unhappy he was for so long, how he never put his own needs first, and how he couldn't stay with me just for the kids, and on and on, he rewrote history to justify his actions.
But as this A went on, he realized he wasn't any happier with her. She also had some of the same complaints about him that I did. He was completely worn down living this life of shame and misery, seeing all the people he hurt, missing his "normal life' at home, and so when he realized he needed to work on this R with OW, it became clear to him that it was a mistake. Why would he work on it with her when he didn't with me?
At the same time, I was starting to get to a point where I was moving on. I was able to DB more often and I was really thinking about how to move forward without him. So he started temp checking! And once it started, the table turned and it was a matter of 1-2 weeks before he did a complete 180 and ended it all with her and was 100% committed to making us work. It happened very fast!
Now a year into piecing, I can say that I was so focused on how to win him back, that I lost myself and what I really want and deserve. That is why I am here.
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Without vexing the vets who pretty much have always said the same advice/comments, thank you for sharing the insights shared by your H.
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
I DB, but not enough as well. I would block her texts, so this way I'd never know if she was trying to contact me. She'd text friends wondering why I'm not answering - when in fact I never got them. Then I'd unblock her, she'd send something, and I'd send 5 things right back - of course, with no answer on her end. She was taking the temperature.
She asked to move back home after 2 weeks. I should've said no. She wanted to work on the M. In hindsight, we probably needed more time away. I was afraid if I said no, she'd assume I don't want her back and not ask again. I was scared. Those first weeks back together were really bad. We weren't ready.
Its about 9 weeks since. I still get triggers and she HATES it. HATES that something will come up on TV and I have to change the channel, even though SHE was the one that had the A. She, for the most part, has moved on - although she has made amends and had an incredible amount of remorse (to the point of suicide).
What I wouldn't have done: Came to her rescue those 2 weeks she was gone. I should've gone completely dark those 2 weeks. Let her sit in it. She would text, begging me to help her. And I did. Maybe I scored brownie points helping her out, she did tell me if I didn't try to reconcile, that we'd probably be in a different place now, but who knows?
GAL is very important. I still wait for her to text me. Its painful to know she would have no problem texting OM, yet I'm on the back burner. However, when you GAL, you don't wait for those texts. You're too busy. And there are days when I DO get busy and don't reply to her, which I like. Helps with the esteem.
Me: 52 Her: 48 2D 26 & 16 M: 25 years (together 30) EA/discovered by accident Valentines day 2016 Admitted SOME physical but no IC. We know that's a lie. Status - tryin to R
Oh, that is tough. Although I think you have a good understanding of your sitch. Try and be patient with this process. This could take a long time. That is why taking the focus off of her and working on you is a win-win. Become the strong and confident man you want to be. Give her space, but don't block her or ignore her. You don't have to tell her when you are triggered--take a walk, scream in a pillow, go to the gym, call a friend... But bringing it to her may only make her feel worse. When she can open up, listen, validate, and then allow yourselves healthy distance too.
I can't pretend to understand your sitch entirely because I do think there are fundamental differences for why women in hetero Rs stray versus men. It seems like W build up loneliness and resentment over a long time--they try and tell H, but H doesn't get it--and then turn to a new R, while H is oblivious and it's often too late. I hate to gender stereo-type, but I have seen a lot of that here.
In the case of my H, he never shared his feelings of unhappiness with me and just wanted to "be the good H and dad," all the while building up resentment towards me because he didn't ever stand up to me or create his own life for himself. So, he buried his feelings and need, and then OW was right their pursing him and rescuing him. So, he ran, and then justified it by blaming me.
That is why Sandi's advise is gold! She has been there and she gets it. If I had to guess though, I would say that your W feels guilty and at times not deserving of your forgiveness. So your triggers only make her feel worse about herself. That is one thing that happens in my M: I feel triggered, I bring it to him, then he feels worse about himself. And round we go. Still a year later.
Piecing is a difficult balance of working on the R and why it fell apart initially. And often those 2 things can come into conflict! My H didn't open up about his needs and feelings, was a people pleaser, and always wanted to be the nice guy. So I had no idea how unhappy he was! So now that he has burned me, he has to walk the fine line of learning to take care of his own needs and stand up to me, while simultaneously repairing the damage and earning my trust.
I am now trying hard not to be the one that walks away...
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Hi BluWave. I am so very glad that you decided to post your story. It really helps me for a lot of reasons.
First, to know that what I am going through isn't so unusual - 30 pounds of weight loss and all the anxiety and depression, etc... (I felt like I was reading my own story again!) I don't know why I find it comforting that my experience isn't unique, but I do, so thank you for sharing those details. It really helps.
Secondly, I really needed to hear from someone who's been there/done that, that all the energy I spend on him, parsing words in his emails, and trying to figure out what he's thinking is utterly wasted.
Thank you also for reminding me that I wouldn't want this new and "improved" jerk version of my H if I met him for the first time. Why on earth would I want him so badly now? I know that I really don't. I want the old H back, and my old M, and they are gone forever. Knowing something is truly gone seems like it may be easier. Maybe.
I do have a question for you. You mentioned that you were headed for a D during the year your H was gone, but did either of you ever actually initiate the process? Did you talk to lawyers? Were they able to give you any advice? How did you feel like you were able to protect yourself from the possibility of financial catastrophe? My H has been engaging in some very risky behavior. I worry that he is a liability to me if he were to go out and get himself into trouble. He's a very smart person, but he has done some incredibly stupid things.
H: 44, Me: 45 Married: 20 y Together: 25 y no kids Walk away: 12/15 Asked for temp separation 12/25/15 PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had) H filed for D 5/16
Phoebe, that is why I am here! Knowing that you are not the only one is key to realizing that you are not alone, that all humans make mistakes, and that there is nothing to be ashamed of. Easier said than done; I still have a lot of shame.
Honestly, even a couple years later--and my H has been back for about a year--I still have moments of shock. "Did that really happen?" "Who is this man?" "How could he have done this?" "I still don't get it" I still terribly miss the way I felt about him before--I loved him unconditionally, I trusted him, he was my BF, he was the nicest guy, and I NEVER thought it was capable of hurting me. I am still wrapping my head around this. Acceptance is hard.
So that is why we have to take care of ourselves and give ourselves permission to let go a little and live life. Practice with baby steps--ie, for the next 4 hours I will enjoy my time doing this and not thinking of H. Learn to self love one step at a time until it becomes a little bit easier. That is how confidence is built--trying, then trying again, and eventually mastery. That genuine confidence is also what attracts others to us.
You are correct, what you had before--that M--is over now. It is a huge loss. Allow yourself all the time you need to grieve it and feel sad. But he is not a different person and he is not gone; he may be gone from your life right now, but he is still who he is--all the things you loved about him and all those things you didn't like. I am sure there were things you didn't like. He is in a crisis, he is in a fog, and he is making TERRIBLE decisions, but he is not just a different person. He has to learn on this journey in his own way, and as much as you want to influence that, you cannot control him or manipulate him.
I am running out the door, but I will post again about the last questions. The financial part is very scary, but their are laws to protect you and those laws are still in place whether you take any action now or later. You do not have to make any decisions today.
More later. Take care--take a few hours off and let your mind rest. Chronic stress is not healthy!
-blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
I am very surprised to hear you say that the man I knew is not gone. That actually is good to hear, because from what I can see, Elvis has completely left the building and checked his brain at the door. The couple times we did get together, though, I saw a few glimpses of the man I thought I knew. At the moment, hope feels like an enemy, so I won't get my hopes up that he's still in there. I know H is on his own journey and in his own crisis and he has to want to come out of it, if he ever does.
As you said, I can't wrap my head around the idea that he could do all this, because the way I felt is the way you described how you used to feel about your H. Kind, loving, BF...
I will look for your posts and know that I really am very very glad you joined us here. Your insight has helped me today.
H: 44, Me: 45 Married: 20 y Together: 25 y no kids Walk away: 12/15 Asked for temp separation 12/25/15 PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had) H filed for D 5/16
I am very surprised to hear you say that the man I knew is not gone. That actually is good to hear, because from what I can see, Elvis has completely left the building and checked his brain at the door. The couple times we did get together, though, I saw a few glimpses of the man I thought I knew. At the moment, hope feels like an enemy, so I won't get my hopes up that he's still in there. I know H is on his own journey and in his own crisis and he has to want to come out of it, if he ever does.
I think a better way to think about it is that he has been captured by aliens and is now orbiting the earth on a space ship. His body is still here but the brain you once knew is not on this planet right now.
IF he returns then you will see a new person with some old traits and some new ones.
But until that happens best to LET GO and let him have his crisis.
