Please keep posting if you can.. I believe you have a ton of information that could benefit others in ways you could never imagine. Sorry for your pain though..
Me-LBH, 44 Spouse-WAW, 41 Married for 9 years S, 7 S, 5 BD - November 20th 2015
Thank you for sharing BluWave, I'm not in that position and am moving forward. I still think about W of course but as you say, I don't want who she is right now. I may never be in your position either but you sharing helps see what can be ahead and as you say how it's important to focus on ourselves. Thank you and stay strong.
I am hoping that this process will help me heal as well. I am going to try and tell you what I think I needed to hear when I was the LBS. Not what I wanted to hear, but what I NEEDED to hear. Big difference. Does that makes sense?
So you guys may not like it, but I am all about the tough love. For starters--the most fundamental principle is the hardest to accept. And IMHO that is this--DB is for YOU and YOU are the person that matters most. Your self esteem is crushed right now--you are alone, scared, and desperate--so you are hanging on for dear life. Let go. It will be the hardest thing you are ever going to do. But you can do it. Let them go.
Do not DB so you can win your spouse back. DB for you. Let them go. A strong, happy, confident person (remember who you used to be?) would not let someone treat them this way and try to win them back. Stand up tall, take care of yourself, and don't ever hand anyone your self worth! You cannot nice them back and they will only lose respect for you.
When you begin to find that person you deserve to be, that is when your spouse will notice. You cannot fake this part. Our human intuitions are so much stronger than we realize! Stop reading and rereading into their every move to see if they are noticing. That's pathetic. I'm sorry but it is. I know because I was this way and I shutter to think of the energy I put into that jerk, as he was off with OW right in front of my face.
Have patience. This is a long, long process. But in the end, do you really want to win back this person that you know can treat you like cr-p? No. The only person that deserves you, is one that is willing to do anything to have you. So you go out there and be awesome. Maybe they will eventually notice, but if they don't, you get to be awesome and find someone that does!
It's so simple, it's almost hard to understand.
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Hi BluWave, I'm someone that wants the blunt strong tough responses so feel free. Something I always told my W, I miss the subtle signs too often, especially when life is busy. To the point is always better for me. Thank you again for coming here and sharing your experience, I am wanting to learn for my next relationship, whoever that may be with, to make it awesome.
I hear you on the wasted energy trying to figure them out, I have guilty of that too often.
Thank you so much Blu! It is great to hear about the other side. You are right, we are all trying to mind read at times, which leads to assumptions, about our WAS/MLC.
We wonder if they miss us, are feeling even an inch of the pain we are feeling... I am very guilty of this! We assume they are just fine, when perhaps they are not?
So glad to have your perspective on the board. Even when the our alien returns it doesn't mean the struggle is over with. We are here for you.
Me:33 H:34 T: 3yrs M: 2yrs H depression triggered and we are "unhealthy": 7/15 H wants to "make it work" 12/28 BD: 3/10/16
in the end, do you really want to win back this person that you know can treat you like cr-p? No. The only person that deserves you, is one that is willing to do anything to have you. So you go out there and be awesome. Maybe they will eventually notice, but if they don't, you get to be awesome and find someone that does!
I am in the early stages, BD only 6 months ago, but I wonder when reading your post, the same thing I wonder about myself. Is wanting them back to get revenge? To see them finally feel the pain they caused? I want nothing more than her to come crawling back on her hands and knees, make her jump through some hoops even, and then maybe kick her to the curb. Obviously not a healthy place for my mind to be!
Starsky! Where is that guy? His word was my bible through many, many hard months. Thank you to him and all the vets! Hopefully I can pay a little back.
OFP, great question! And only you know the answer to that. But then again, you may not, because your feelings change all the time. And guess what? So do theirs. Some days I wanted pure revenge--I wanted him to come back just so I could be the one hurting him. Other days I just missed him. Some days I didnt know what I was. And occasionally I allowed myself to not think about him all the time and just live my life. I should have had more days like that. Shoulda, coulda, woulda, but it's too late for me now.
My H was just as much on his own rollercoaster while he was off in LaLa Land. I wasted hours and hours a day of my mental energy into trying to figure out what he was doing and why. So, now that we have pretty much talked about everything, I am here to tell you that it doesn't work. Sure, I was right, but only about half the time! 50-50. Sometimes he missed me, sometimes he was just angry, often he felt guilty, and other days he just figured he blew it and I would never truly forgive him anyhow.
Because I was all over the map--some days crying and begging, some days ignoring him, and then those good DB days where I was cordial but distant--he never knew what to expect from me. So he assumed that I only wanted him back for revenge. He thought I just wanted him back and then I wouldn't be able to forgive him. So what did he do? He stayed with the A because she was the one person that accepted him and "made" him feel good about himself.
Well, we all know that that feeling is short lived. And the same issues we had came up in their R. That was his lightbulb moment. He realized he couldn't rewrite history and blame me because he was just as unhappy without me. He was actually miserable and guilt ridden for all the people he was hurting. And this realization had nothing to do with me and my mind reading.
They are on their own journey and we cannot control it! We also deserve better than to sit around and wait for them. Live your life. Take care of #1. YOU!
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Ok, folks, I just thought of the perfect example of why mind-reading is wasted energy and will get you no where. Remember, you may be right, but there is also a 50% chance you are wrong. WAS are in a fog--that fog is real--and they are not thinking or acting rationally.
During the year my H had his head up his arse, his words were adamant that he wanted out, wanted D, was moving on, blah, blah, blah, but his actions were all over the place and not consistent. Some days he stone-walled me and other days I got the puppy dog eyes.
Well there was this one time I thought the message was clear. In my bedroom he left a nice bottle of wine with a lovely congratulations card. He was never a romantic and never good about gifts. Here we were headed for D and then this. So I just about flipped! I analyzed and picked this apart for days with anyone that would still listen. I was so sure this meant he was thinking about me, that he cared, and that he was having second thoughts.
WRONG! Not at all. You see we have talked about this now. I asked him about why he did that back then, and his response was that he just wanted to congratulate me. That's it. He left it in my room so the kids didn't see and get confused. I was so wrong the one time I was so sure.
You know when he missed me the most? This one time we had a 3 minute telephone conversation about the dog. ABOUT THE DOG! I thought nothing of it. Not at all! That conversation, he says, made him realize how much he missed just talking to me and things feeling normal. It was his big eye opener as to how much he missed me. We are not even dog people.
Do I rest my case? Stop mind-reading. Stop torturing yourself. Go pamper yourself with a hot bath, a night out with friends, plan a trip, go be with your kids, and just do what brings you joy and strength.
... Or go take the dog for a walk ...
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
