The last couple of days haven't been great really. H has picked D up from school and as a result he has been at the house when I've got in from work. He has then stayed until 10pm both nights! Both days I have returned from work to be greeted by S and D in floods of tears because H has banned them from playing on their games console 'forever' for the smallest of misdemeanors! He just has no idea how to parent and this really is my main reason for feeling unsure about a reconciliation. I have started to feel so happy and relaxed, and then and the last couple of days, having to listen to all this from H and kids again, has made me realise that I was stressed out having to 'bite my tongue' when H is doling out over bearing and unrealistic things! It breaks my heart. I have tried everything over the years. I have bought parenting books, read articles found on line and begged him to go to a parenting class and he is not interested because as far as he is concerned he's a great parent.
Tonight he has asked me to go out for dinner, just the two of us, next week. I think he is steering towards wanting to reconcile and I just don't know how it is possible if he cannot change his parenting style. Help gratefully received! I don't know how I'm going to handle this!?
Let the guy parent how he wants. His parenting problems aren't his problems, they are yours. If he's not beating your children, exposing them to hard drugs, etc, then he's just fine.
He's obviously doing this for a reason. Maybe he wants to make sure that when they are adults they succeed...just like you do. You feel the way to do that is through affirmation and building self esteem. But the pendulum has swung pretty hard that direction what wish child protection being involved if someone takes off there belt, in my mind there is nothing wrong with 'toughening them up'. My kids cry plenty when they don't get what they want, and I don't care AT ALL, and they KNOW I don't care, and guess what, pretty soon they realize the only thing crying is doing is making themselves miserable because it ain't changing my behavior so they decide to let it go and accept reality. And THAT is a lesson I'm proud to help them learn.
I think it's gross for you to walk around thinking your way of parenting is better and right, and that you act like he's something less of a man because he doesn't do it your way. It is dismissive and controlling and entitled. You're not the judge and jury of his parenting. You can sit around with a bunch of your girlfriends and talk about how what he does doesn't jive with your latest parenting book, I just don't see how that's going to help. As far as this being a deal breaker, wow, if you can't be supportive of your H and see the positive in the man he is, please do cut bait because he deserves someone that will build him up and support him as a strong ***EQUAL*** partner.
Funny thing, he gets to parent them either way, so the only question is whether you want to do it in two homes and model a failed marriage and a judgmental mother to your kids.
I'll close by sharing this- during my M I was a distant father and XW was the helicopter SAHM. I will own my decisions, it's not her fault I was negligent and allowed myself to get bullied out of my role as parent...what I will say though is that I felt my parenting was dismissed and criticized and condescended to for 10 years, XW acted like I was just another stupid kid that was good for her to dole out bonding activities for me and the kids so they could have 'exposure to a male role model', as long as she was supervising and could make sure to tell me when I was doing it wrong. LORD HOW DID I PUT UP WITH THIS? SHE WAS A CANCER!
My S11 has been hurt the most, he's only had his father for the last 18 months. Because guess what? Now that XW is out of my hair and life, I am the best dad ever. My kids love me. We're reading Lord of the Rings. We're doing homework. We're hiking. We're working 1:1 to develop their interests. I'm understanding them as people. We're exploring the world together. We're eating healthier. And they're learning how a man lives life and overcomes adversity and acts with character. At this moment I am ***GLAD*** XW left me, because as far as I'm concerned she wasn't mature enough to appreciate what a man she had, as a person, a dad, and a husband. I am better off without her. Sure, she could've made the CHOICE to stay humble, loyal, faithful, and supportive, and if she had done that it would've been great to preserve a marriage. But if my aunt had balls she'd be my uncle. XW didn't have the capacity to make that choice and so she walked away from an abusive neglectful partner. To this day she rolls her eyes at me as a person, a parent, and an ex, but you know what, her journey, she might cling to that narrative until she dies, but I won't know, because I'll be too busy making amazing things happen in the life of my children and those that are strong enough to appreciate those around them.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Thanks for posting, Zues. Wow! I'm astounded by some of your post to be honest.
Originally Posted By: Zues126
Let the guy parent how he wants. His parenting problems aren't his problems, they are yours. If he's not beating your children, exposing them to hard drugs, etc, then he's just fine.
This, especially the highlighted part, amazed me! There is more than one way of damaging children's well being than just beating them! It is not OK to parent how you like regardless of whether it's right or abusive in a non violent way! I think you have me wrong. I'm not some namby pamby mum who lets my kids get away with murder. I'm firm but I'm fair. And yes, it is far better to sit down and explain why behaviours and actions are unwanted or wrong than to just dole out consequences that aren't related to the actions! I have had a lot of training in managing children's behaviour for my job and I certainly have no problem with my children crying because they've been verbally disciplined either. Removing a games console 'for the rest of their lives' however, is disproportionate, unrealistic and ridiculous! It shows lack of ability to think of a 'punishment' that actually fits the crime. Funnily enough, I haven't found my H's parenting style mentioned as a way to parent in any of the text books I had to use to research for my qualifications - for good reason!
Originally Posted By: Zues126
I think it's gross for you to walk around thinking your way of parenting is better and right, and that you act like he's something less of a man because he doesn't do it your way. It is dismissive and controlling and entitled. You're not the judge and jury of his parenting.
Sorry, I don't agree at all, and I didn't say he was less of a man. Everyone has a duty to ensure that children are treated correctly - even by their partners! You're honestly telling me that if your XW was treating your children in a way that you believed to be totally unacceptable you would stand there and let her do it and say nothing about it afterwards!?
Originally Posted By: Zues126
You can sit around with a bunch of your girlfriends and talk about how what he does doesn't jive with your latest parenting book, I just don't see how that's going to help.
I don't sit around with a bunch of girlfriends - I don't have a bunch of girlfriends that I discuss this with. What I do have, however, is family members who have witnessed for themselves how my H deals with things the children do, and they all feel that it is too harsh etc - and for the record, my parents were very strict so it is not because we are all 'soft'.
Originally Posted By: Zues126
As far as this being a deal breaker, wow, if you can't be supportive of your H and see the positive in the man he is, please do cut bait because he deserves someone that will build him up and support him as a strong ***EQUAL*** partner.
How can such a major difference in 'parenting styles' not be a major issue?! Incidents happen every single day! Discord in that area is not going to lead to a happy life! It can hardly be a harmonious M if every time my H deals with the children I do not agree with the way it is done. I am perfectly prepared to support my H if he is fair and loving, but not when he is not. I adored my H - had him on a pedestal until he became this way. I, and my children deserve a loving H and father don't you think?
Originally Posted By: Zues126
Funny thing, he gets to parent them either way, so the only question is whether you want to do it in two homes and model a failed marriage and a judgmental mother to your kids.
Yes, you're right, which is why I came on here asking for help on how to deal with the matter, not an ear bashing about how unsupportive a wife you think I am.
I find it interesting that you think a wife should be humble.
I also don't understand why it comes across that LBS should work their socks off to change their erroneous behaviours that have contributed to the M breakdown but that the WAS can just continue with their negative behaviours and not work on themselves at all!
There is more than one way of damaging children's well being than just beating them! It is not OK to parent how you like regardless of whether it's right or abusive in a non violent way!
I agree with you IP 100% and yes parenting is teamwork. Communication between two stable parents is priority. If one parent needs to step it up because of the lacking other parent it doesn't mean you are belittling the other parent for their short comings. I think you do an amazing job. Your concern about your H is justified based on your situation. You are looking out for your kids best interests. You are a mom.
Discipline of children is always a sensitive issue between couples. One is soft the other is too harsh. That's were good parenting comes in. Work together and find the middle. Respect each others decisions as long as they are not abusive. Banning them from playing on their games console 'forever' is way pout of line. Forever to a MLC'R is an hour or a day depending what cloud they are on. To a small child it is traumatizing.
You and your children deserve peace and harmony. I hope your H realizes that this circus roller-coaster he is on is putting your kids and you in the front seat.
Originally Posted By: inpain
I also don't understand why it comes across that LBS should work their socks off to change their erroneous behaviors that have contributed to the M breakdown but that the WAS can just continue with their negative behaviors and not work on themselves at all!
I see where you can get that message from certain posts. In my case and I believe in your situation because we have been through this twice already and the first time around was brushed under the rug. We have been walking on eggshells and living with a deep down fear that it will happen again. Well it did. I know my STBXW is broken. Did I add to her breakdown maybe. Was I the cause NOPE. She never voiced the issue that was growing inside her head. Waited to run away. Avoid all responsibility. I feel your H is the same. Like a teen hanging out at a friends house.
You are doing great. Your H is missing tools to be a complete person. Hopefully he is working on it. You don't need to change your core person. Just be true to yourself, be strong for your kids. Your H has a lot more work to do than you.
hugs IP
Irish
M51 XW43 (38 at bd) BD1 MAY 30 2015 BD2 JUNE 25 2015 by text moved out Aug 2 2015 left both Daughters 13 and 15 (now 18-20) Her divorce Final July 26 2016 Last time she saw her kids Aug 2 2015
Oh, and change the Wifi password. Lets see if that is why he is coming round. if you need instructions on how, just ask.
Yes please! I have no idea how to do that!
I have been thinking about this, and I'm not sure it is the right thing to do. Is there no cafe's or place he can get wifi? There probably is, right? I don't think he is there for the wifi. I just see doing this as a an unnecessary point of conflict. Maybe try asking him to not be on his phone so much and if he wants to be in your house with the family, be there. If not, be else where. I'M NOT A VET. I think just let it go.
I think this is just something that my prior to BD passive aggressive self would do. I'm working on that.
I agree with you IP 100% and yes parenting is teamwork. Communication between two stable parents is priority. If one parent needs to step it up because of the lacking other parent it doesn't mean you are belittling the other parent for their short comings. I think you do an amazing job. Your concern about your H is justified based on your situation. You are looking out for your kids best interests. You are a mom.
Hi Irish, thanks as always for your post, is always great to hear from you! I was so relieved to see that someone agreed with what I put as Zues' post upset me to the point that I was actually in tears. I am heartbroken for my children about how their Dad behaves towards them. Before I had children I would never have dreamed that my H would become the kind of Dad that he is. I never dreamed that anyone would be any other kind of dad than how my dad was when I was growing up - I thought that's what all dads are like.
Originally Posted By: IrishM
You and your children deserve peace and harmony. I hope your H realizes that this circus roller-coaster he is on is putting your kids and you in the front seat.
You're absolutely right. Unfortunately, I don't think he does realise it at all. Either that or it is complete denial because he cannot take ownership of the pain he has and is causing the kids. It's one thing to cause pain to your spouse, who you perceive has caused pain to you, but the kids have done nothing.
Originally Posted By: IrishM
I see where you can get that message from certain posts. In my case and I believe in your situation because we have been through this twice already and the first time around was brushed under the rug. We have been walking on eggshells and living with a deep down fear that it will happen again. Well it did. I know my STBXW is broken. Did I add to her breakdown maybe. Was I the cause NOPE. She never voiced the issue that was growing inside her head. Waited to run away. Avoid all responsibility. I feel your H is the same. Like a teen hanging out at a friends house.
Yes! This ^^ is exactly right! I feel that my H is acting like a teen. He certainly isn't in the real adult world. Apart from work he has no responsibilities and is calling all the shots. Then has the gall to tell me what I should and shouldn't be doing with regards to the kids and house when he comes round!
Originally Posted By: IrishM
You are doing great. Your H is missing tools to be a complete person. Hopefully he is working on it. You don't need to change your core person. Just be true to yourself, be strong for your kids. Your H has a lot more work to do than you.
Yes, I agree H has a lot more work to do than I. I'm very afraid that he doesn't have the tools required. Even through this time of immense heartbreak I am now at a place where I actually feel quite content and am enjoying every day at work and with my kids when I get home. H, however, looks more and more tired and down every day that goes by. When I look at H's family I can see why he is the way he is and that worries me. I fear that it is ingrained in him from way back and I do not think he can change.
I feel frightened about what to do/where to go next, to be honest.
I have been thinking about this, and I'm not sure it is the right thing to do. Is there no cafe's or place he can get wifi? There probably is, right? I don't think he is there for the wifi. I just see doing this as a an unnecessary point of conflict. Maybe try asking him to not be on his phone so much and if he wants to be in your house with the family, be there. If not, be else where. I'M NOT A VET. I think just let it go.
I think this is just something that my prior to BD passive aggressive self would do. I'm working on that.
Thanks Cubebot, I think you're probably right about it not being the way to go. As for asking him to not be on his phone so much - that never worked before he left so I doubt he would do it now. His response used to be, "If I want to be on my phone I will, if you don't like it you know what you can do." When I look back at things like this I don't know how I didn't see the BD coming.
We have only seen H for a few minutes all weekend because of his shifts. Saturdays are full of different hobbies that the kids and I do and then today we had some shopping to do so it has been a busy weekend. Still found myself doing lots of thinking though. I really don't know how to handle going out for a meal with H on Wednesday. I don't even know how I feel anymore. I feel so relaxed and happy when he isn't here and so stressed and on edge when he is because of his constant niggles at the kids. I don't know if this is tainting my feelings or if genuinely don't feel anything for H anymore. I still feel like I'm in love with the idea of being with H, but the old H, and I really don't want the kids to live in a broken home, but I don't feel any love for H. I hope it is as many of you have said, and that my feelings would return if H did the work, but I'm not sure. Everyone around me is telling me that they cannot believe I would even consider taking him back. My mum is appalled at the idea. It makes it all the more hard to know what to do.
I wonder if I'm at the stage where I should be setting out what I think reconciling would need to look like or if I should still be waiting to see what H says and does.
Feeling sad tonight at the endless heartaches this situation brings. It just seems to be one thing after another no matter how much GAL we do.
Last night S11 found something I'd made for him when he was about 6 (I do a lot of crafting) while he was tidying his room. He sat on his bed and asked if I remembered when I made it for him. I said I did. With that he burst into floods of tears with his shoulders slumped. He was crying because he said everything was so happy and different when I made it. Bless him, he is such a sensitive boy anyway and all of this is so confusing and soul destroying for him. I gave him lots of hugs, of course, and we sat and talked and I managed to cheer him up, but it just broke my heart to see him so upset.
