Hey Ghost, Thanks for the support and for checking into my sitch. I will write a brief update below. I dropped into your thread briefly. I see you are in your own purgatory. Afraid to move forward, wishing to go backward. Analysis paralysis. Been there, gets tiring. Trust me, you never want to go backwards. You are getting good advice there. I wish you a lot of luck. P.S. We are the same age and have a similar family size. Good to know ya.
V, I am definitely in a holding pattern. I call it the waiting place. I don't think I can do Pink Floyd, but I can definitely do Fleetwood Mac and Santana. throw in a little Heart (Wilson sisters) and I am right there with you.
A brief update. Still doing in-house separation. Spending less and less time concerning myself with what WW is doing. Spending more time being grateful for what I do have: supportive family and friends, wonderful children, health, employment, roof over my head, faith in G-d.
Doing a bit more GAL. Saw movie with friend last night. A couple of friends came over last week. I'm playing guitar - thanks youtube for teaching me every riff I wanted to know 25 years ago. resumed weight training. Will resume running once it warms up a bit. Bought a new suit - FOR ME. If I could have complete separation this instant, I would be fully self- sufficient. Feels good. So what's left:
We had our first pre-trial - where the judge hears the case. WW is amazingly entitled. As I said before, she wants the house - does not want to pay a penny for it. She does not want to get a job. On the bright side, her lawyer said that in principle they do not have a problem with shared parenting (hopefully they don't change their minds). Without going into detail, they are sinking very low and have employed devious, even ludicrous tactics.
Because the status of the house has not yet been decided, it will be in-house S for the foreseeable future. Ughh.
Still being stalked by OM. Most recently, he showed up behind my Ls office after the pretrial. Thank goodness for PTSD: as soon as I see a vehicle resembling his, I turn on my cell-cam. got the whole thing on tape. I have no idea why he follows me. Such a loser. It was scary and rattled me for about 48 hours.
I never told the children that summer camp is a given. I told them we need to see what kind of scholarship money we would receive. Despite this, W has told children and practically everyone who will listen that they are going to summer camp. She is completely oblivious to the expenses we have incurred due to the D - on top of her reckless spending. When I factor in the future expenses we have yet to face (two households and on-going D proceedings), we really cannot afford camp. It breaks my heart. My children LOVE camp, and could really benefit from it - especially this year.
I told my W that camp (at the price quoted to me) would be financially irresponsible and would put us all in a terrible position. My financial advisor has corroborated this. Now W is lobbying the camp for more discounts. This is what she has been reduced to; begging for discounts so she can feed her addictions instead. She has this delusion that she will get some magical scholarship. In the meantime, no one has told the children and she is not making alternative arrangements for them.
Who is going to break the news to them? I don't want to seem like the villain.
Underneath it all is my smoldering resentment that my WW actions have deprived my children of so much. It hurts. It really does.
We are still doing de facto in-house S. no light at the end of the tunnel here either. On a bright note, I will be taking kids with me to visit family for Passover.
GAL: Still working out. Will be stepping up the frequency. Had great 5K with S12 yesterday. Wicked sunburn though. ouch.
Much more to report actually. W expressed interest in returning to negotiating table rather than letting courts decide. This seems to be good news. Hopefully will shorten the process and will cost less. Will see if the offer is sincere.
more GAL. Gym today. weights and elliptical. shaved my head. Feels like I am dating myself and gradually falling in love with me. A bit sad that I cannot share myself with anyone until after D. Not that am ready anyway. I really miss the intimacy/connection with the female gender.
Question for Sandi or anyone who care to answer: my WW has done some really mean and malicious things. Is the WW aware that she is being really rotten to me or is she so wrapped up in her rationalizations that she is unaware? Does she truly believe that I deserve everything I get from her? Will there ever be remorse for these things?
Probably does not change anything, but I am just wondering.
Question for Sandi or anyone who cares to answer: my WW has done some really mean and malicious things. Is the WW aware that she is being really rotten to me or is she so wrapped up in her rationalizations that she is unaware? Does she truly believe that I deserve everything I get from her? Will there ever be remorse for these things?
Does anyone want to weigh in on this?
Journaling: Did 200 more push-ups yesterday. Moved a lot of my equipment to my room so I can further minimize contact with W. Have not seen OM in a few weeks. Fewer triggers. Seeing my family over Passover helped. I am still in in-house-separation-not-yet-D-purgatory, but the less I care about W and her whereabouts, the more at peace I feel. Pretty detached these days.
Watched "Groundhog Day" with my boys. What a fantastic film. I never tire of it. There are such great life lessons in it. Here are some that I take away from it. - We can waste our days or make the most of them. For some, living the same day over and over again would be a curse, for others a blessing. It has nothing to do with the day, but rather what we do with the day. - When you are experiencing the same "day" over and over again, it is life's way of telling you that YOU need to change. - You can't force someone to like you. All you can do is work on yourself (DB principle!) - Selfish love is wanting/expecting something from your spouse. Real love is choosing to give to your spouse and making sacrifices for their happiness, and not resenting them for it. - Real pleasure and satisfaction in life comes from doing for others, not from receiving and not from physical self-gratification - certain things are inevitable (e.g. death) and all the power in the world can't change it
I talked about some of these with my Boys. They loved it!
Question for Sandi or anyone who care to answer: my WW has done some really mean and malicious things. Is the WW aware that she is being really rotten to me or is she so wrapped up in her rationalizations that she is unaware? Does she truly believe that I deserve everything I get from her? Will there ever be remorse for these things?
RAI, From my own interactions with my WW, I'm sure she is aware what she is doing to me. However, she justifies in her head that since I've been mean to her all 18 years of marriage, and made her unhappy, she is justified in trying to take as much as she can from me, and trying to get me a taste of my own medicine. She has re-written history and tweaked facts to suit her own story (which is why I'm glad I got my story out first to our friends). She feels totally justified in claiming her "fair share" of stuff and if it hurts me, so be it. Will she ever feel remorse? I don't know. She did in the first EA 17 years ago, I believe. But now I'm not so sure. Anyway, it's really up to her, not us, to come out of Affair Fog.
Me-LBH, 48 Spouse-WW, 48 Married for 19 years Son, 12 BD #1 - November 1998 (EA 7 months after wedding) BD #2 - November 2015 (same XBF EA) WW filed D February 2016 WW moved out April 2016
Hey Rai, re your Q above. I think it takes someone in a mature and reflective state to look back at the R and recognise there were faults on both sides. In all R's we are just flawed, imperfect people trying to rub along together in a partnership.
I think your W is probably protecting herself from the impact of what she has done. And part of that is re-writing history. Also OPs tend to look like 'soulmates' for a while and us with our stinky feet, irritating throat clearing and other little annoyances don't really measure up.
So, it sounds like the scales are still in front of the eyes for her. But we can only really hide from our choices for so long and at some point we come to accept our part in things.
I guess the key is not to wait for any of that stuff though and live your life right now xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Originally Posted By: RAI Question for Sandi or anyone who cares to answer: my WW has done some really mean and malicious things. Is the WW aware that she is being really rotten to me or is she so wrapped up in her rationalizations that she is unaware? Does she truly believe that I deserve everything I get from her? Will there ever be remorse for these things?
This question seems to come up fairly often. Although one may want to think the WW surely doesn't realize the pain she is causing, the fact of the matter is that she kind of sees it from a very cold viewpoint.........as if it's the casualties of war.......so to speak. Some WW's are more hateful and just downright meaner. They are filled with so much vindictiveness and bent on making the H pay for not fulfilling her dreams........not making her happy.......or whatever she resents about their MR (which often requires her rewriting history). A lot of self justification is behind making the H the bad guy. And a lot of ugliness comes from her trying to convince him that she no longer loves him and that the M won't work.
Remember what is inside the heart of one who is wayward. She can justify a lot by telling herself he deserves whatever he gets. Like I said, some WW's are worse than others.
Will she ever have remorse? I believe it depends on her. If she can go back into the MR without having to admit her wrongs and apologize, I think she would choose to sweep it under the rug. It makes things a lot easier for her when she doesn't have to accept responsibility for her actions. Even her voicing an apology, without the sorrowful feelings behind it, doesn't seem quite genuine. Attitude is EVERYTHING. Remorse is very important, b/c otherwise, she continues to carry the resentment and disrespect, and issues go unresolved. How does a wayward heal and have the desire to put forth efforct to save the MR, without experiencing remorse?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
