Thx Sandi, I now see I was pushing too hard, I've made my stance clear, I will wait for her to approach me, in the meantime I will stay cordial, confident & cheerful (the three C's).
Now wait, don't go to the extreme other direction. I wasn't saying you were pushing her too hard. I was wanting you to be careful how you worded things........and not to see this one move (if she makes it) as some big committement to the M. Don't put words into her mouth. Don't take it to be more than what she is able to give at that time.
Gosh sakes, Coconut, it is hard to keep you in the center of the road. You want surve to the extreme right and then to the extreme left.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
WSB, you hit the nail on the head, it's always been my way to analyze, analyze, analyze... Works well for my career but [censored] for relationships... I will say that I've felt very detached today, almost to the point of being discusted with her, but I'll take that over emotional wreck any day.
I disagree, you and I have almost the same personalities. I am noticing that most of the LBHs have. We're analytical, we've got low self-esteem, we've got a weird sense of humor. Now if we're mostly the same, that means our WWs are too. You cannot stop being yourself for someone else, made that mistake already. Tone down yes, but that analytical ability got you where you are in life. Life is more important than a M, that can end in an afternoon.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
Sandi, if your around I'd like to ask you a question..
What where you like emotionally before your A, and how did that change once you were in the fog?
The reason I ask is prior to the A, my wife was sensitive, she would sometimes tear up due to happiness or sadness, but since the A, she is like a robot... She says that she was balling when talking to the therapist, but she's never even once seemed sad when we've talked about us, not even when it's gotten to talks about it being over... The only emotion now seems to be disdain and anger, other than the couple of pity hugs that she gave me at the beginning of all this when I would break down...
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
And also, if she doesn't bring up the NC today, I'm thinking that I'll let her know this evening that I'm going to talk to mom to start setting up a plan to move out... But I'm not sure if I should let it simmer for another week and wait until next weekend to start making plans. I told her that I'm not willing to be in 3 person M Friday morning, it's now Sunday.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
So yesterday, a fire call came in and WW asked if I mind if she reports, I said that's your decision and she went. She text me a few minutes later and said our truck isn't going out, he is not here, be home in a few. Today she got a call, didn't ask just went, and text that not enough people showed, truck not going out, be home soon...
sometimes she lets me know he's not here, and sometimes she doesn't say it, so I assume that means that he is there... Even if she stopped contact with him, how does she think it's not a 3 person marriage when she gives me updates on him? Grrrr... Not looking for response, just venting... Also not trying to read into her thoughts, just venting... I know, I know...
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
Sandi, if your around I'd like to ask you a question..
What where you like emotionally before your A, and how did that change once you were in the fog?
The reason I ask is prior to the A, my wife was sensitive, she would sometimes tear up due to happiness or sadness, but since the A, she is like a robot... She says that she was balling when talking to the therapist, but she's never even once seemed sad when we've talked about us, not even when it's gotten to talks about it being over... The only emotion now seems to be disdain and anger, other than the couple of pity hugs that she gave me at the beginning of all this when I would break down...
That is hard for me to answer in a few short sentences. I think I was more sensitive and got my feelings hurt, more than I would like to admit. I've been told that I am very friendly and warm, and can be a lot of fun. I meet people easily, and enjoy being around others. People usually could tell by my emotions if I was happy, sad, or upset. I loved having people over to my house. I was usually the first one to speak up in a group discussion. I probably had some control issues, too, (now that I reflect back) but I was totally blind about it at the time. I think I was sensitive to other people's feelings, but it may not have shown......IDK. My family (including my H) have always seen me being much stronger than I think I really am.
I was, clearly, the extrovert and my H the introvert. I don't think I was the bossy or nagging type.......but I would push down the resentment when my H would not step up and do what I thought the man should do. I felt I had to step up and take charge in some things (especially the kids) b/c he wouldn't. He never protected/defended me from his mother's vicious tongue, and some other things I won't get into right now.
Same with the MR. I wanted the MR I saw in my parents. I was always entergetic and doing whatever I read in how to improve our MR. But I felt that I was the one always leading or in charge of the relationship. I would talk to him about what I needed, and I would cry, and get terribly frustrated b/c I could see no effort on his part. Over time, (with a lot of stress and unfulfilled dreams and unmet expectations) I eventually gave up and become somewhat withdrawn. My emotional needs had not been met in the MR, and neither were his. The resentment and disrespect was taking over my whole being. I felt disgust and maybe even bitter toward my H. I saw no hope in him as my H. My insides felt dead. The thought of him touching me turned me cold as ice.
Once I started inappropriate Internet contacts, and especially once I engaged in an EA with OM, it was like living a double life. I lived for my time with OM and everything else took second place.....or lower. I just went through the motions of every day life when at home, with family, etc.
When my H confronted me the first time, I would not look at him and sat there emotionless. I was so cold. However, I finally broke down and cried, and told him I would end contacts, etc. (But I just got more sneaky). The second confrontation, my heart was beating sooooo fast, b/c I had been caught.......but I never broke down......I just walked out.
I can identify with the disdain, b/c I had lost so much respect for my H. I could hardly stay in the same room over five minutes. I would feel as if I were suffocating.
I was later told that I was not acting like myself when I was in the fog. Well, I didn't feel like myself, either. I had replaced an inappropriate relationship and a fantasy for my MR and real life.
Don't know if this answers your question.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Don't mean to Hijack, Sandi I love reading your view from the side of a WW. Seeing what My W is Doing and reading your words it's amazing how well they fit together. Gives me great insite and at least gives me perspective. As far as what to do about it, well thats a different story.
Just wanted to say I appreciate your words, and thanks for taking the time to help all us LBS.
Me 40 W 35 Kids 2 S6 D3 T 10 yrs M 8yrs BD 11Mar16
So, just so y'all know, I'm sitting at the beach, cold beer in my hand and my toes in the sand, with Jimmy Buffet in my headphones.. So family was all home, WW and S were watching TV, I was out on the patio reading and drinking coffee, when I realized I didn't want to waste such a beautiful day.. My first thought was to jump in the pool, but then I decided I needed to go the beach...
I went inside and excitedly said do you two want to go to the beach... Got anything but excitement back.. WW said she would like to go, but can't get herself off the couch, I just said I understand, I've been there before (that is the main thing she blames me for ruining R) but I just don't want to waste such a beautiful day.. I asked S16 and he too didn't want to go...
Oh well, I'm GAL and today that means im at the beach.. So I sit here, with my shirt off getting some sun... I will say it's been years since I've taken my shirt off in public, but I need to be comfortable in my own skin, so here I am . Plus, I really need to get rid of my farmers tan...
Having a great day,
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
. Plus, I really need to get rid of my farmers tan...