Not sure where to go from here

[Irish M]

Hi IP
Hope all is well. We're here for you :-)

[inpain]

That sounds so lovely, looking after your garden like that x

Thanks focus22, it is lovely, but very hard work too. I cannot handle the size of garden on my own, sadly.

[inpain]

IP you are going so well. I'm proud of you. You have more strength than you think. Could you go out while H is at the house? Not very single day but a couple of days a week? Enjoy the rest of this lovely weekend.

Thanks Rouky. Sometimes I do feel strong and other times I don't at all. In the beginning I was leaving the house when he came round but now if I try to the kids cry and beg me not to go. They are so hurt and confused and it pains me to see them like that so I don't go.

[inpain]

Hi IP
You are doing amazing.. That feeling of being happy when your H is not around is great. You are doing things for you and your kids and detaching.

Once you put those bounderies in place of schedualed visits you will avoid a lot of stress. The fear of you pushing him away is just that a fear. You want H to want to do the work needed for him to want to reconcile. You don't want him to just fall into place and nothing was learned from all this.

It's Mother's Day here in Canada, I'll wish you happy Mother's Day because you are a great mom.

Irish

Hi Irish, thank you for the Mother's Day wishes! I love the part above about H doing the work to reconcile and me not letting him back with no lessons learned. I need reminding of this. I know that last time he learned no lessons and I let him come back far too easily.

[inpain]

Well, bummer on the lock changing. No, don't sit him down. No, don't tell him what you "want". Tell him what you NEED. In front of him. While standing. It is not a discussion, its a statement. You are taking the keys from a drunk driver and you are driving the car now.

Hi Ciluzen, thank you so much for all of your advice - it is amazing! I have tried really hard to be firm but it hasn't gone well and I am still no further on. I have told him the last two weekends that I need this 'new normal' to stop, that I need him to stop coming round whenever he likes if he has no intention of reconciling. It was met with a stony, silent face. He sat looking annoyed for a long time. At one point he looked like he might be wiping a tear away from his face. Then he snapped out of it, carried on as normal with the kids and has continued coming round every day just the same as before I said it.

I just realized how dissatisfied and negative my H is with every aspect of his life right now...this weekend. It isn't even just me he's upset with anymore. Its everything in his life. Trust me. This can get worse...and its not just you. You are not the bad guy...and he, deep down, probably knows it. Or will figure it out. So, be assertive and don't stumble at all. Its a consequence of his actions, not a character flaw in you.

I love you for this! It was like a light went on in my head when I read this, thank you! I think you're right, it is everything. He is grumpy about everything. He has zero patience with the kids AND other people out and about (other drivers for one example!).

Why wouldn't it put you off, LOL!? What an incredibly NORMAL human response to someone flying off the handle! See, there's nothing wrong with you. Practice no response, or at maximum, validation with no "but" followed by you turning away and disengaging. Validation, such as "I understand this is upsetting to you." Aaaand....scene.[quote] I think H has been reading your advice to me Ciluzen! This is what H does - every time! I have tried to do it these last two weeks and it just causes him to say, "I know, I'm sorry." Then it's back to square one. I don't know how to get through to this guy!!!

Hey, IP! Happy Mother's Day! Is that just a U.S. and Canada thing? It shouldn't be. I think I will take an idea from you and get some flowers for the front walk with my younger D today. I have a few empty pots to fill.[quote] Thanks for the Mother's Day wishes Ciluzen! Yes, we do have Mother's Day here but it is earlier in the year. It was middle of March this year. Did you get some flowers? I'm so pleased with how my doorstep looks now.

[quote=ciluzen]As for not making speeches? Just don't. I'm a speech maker. I'm obviously wordy. But my 180 has been to just make statements to my H when I want him to actually hear me. Otherwise, I find that as has happened over the years, he expects the speech and tunes me out. All of it. So...look him in the eye with a small smile/ pleasant look to your face (practice in the mirror) and then make a brief, to the point statement. Follow that with a big smile and a, "I am very firm on this. I hope you understand I feel its best for our sanity/ health/ scedule/ emotional health/ security (pick one or two to go with the statement)." Nod your head for emphasis if you have to. Then walk away and busy yourself elsewhere. Or go somewhere. Leave him and ignore him (trust me, there will be behavior to ignore after that). Don't engage. No arguing. Not your circus anymore.

LOL Ciluzen, we are so similar! I'm a speech maker too. I did walk away when I had said what I needed to happen. I went outside and cut all of the grass - took about an hour and a half - I came back inside to find H still sitting there with the same annoyed expression on his face. Nothing I do seems to be getting through!

I'm proud of your GAL stuff! I knew you could do it! Remember how we were back during Christmas holidays? Change happens right under our noses.

I certainly do Ciluzen, and I know we are tonnes better now. I definitely don't want to go back there!

[inpain]

Hi Irish, Rouky and Ciluzen. Thank you for looking in on me. I'm sorry I haven't responded before now. I just seem to have been so busy! As you will see from my individual responses to your posts above, I have tried to tell H that I need this situation to change with regards to access to the kids etc. It has fallen on deaf ears. The last two weekends I have tried to get through to him on the issue. This weekend he responded with, "I'm sorry for all the stress, I am still deciding." !!!!! Still deciding!?!?! I told him I thought that was pretty of entitled of him to assume that he can keep me dangling like a puppet for 6+months and still be deciding. I'm not sure if that could be construed as DBing but it just slipped out. Still nothing has changed. He is still coming in and staying all evening. I don't now where else to go with it now. S11 has asked H repeatedly this weekend if he is coming back. H replied, "I don't know, I can't tell you because I don't know." Sigh.

On a much happier, GAL note, I had an amazing weekend other than the H parts. I went to a rock concert with a friend, someone I have always wanted to see since I was in my teens. It was absolutely incredible. I haven't stopped smiling or come back down to earth since! I think it shocked H. I went to quite a few concerts in my younger days, before I met H, but this is the first one I have been to in around 20 years! It is really late here so I'm not sure if I'll get round all your threads tonight, but will be back tomorrow to do so. Thank you all for your support, it means the world to me!

[Irish M]

Hi Inpain

Love the GAL. So happy you went to the concert. First one in 20 years wow. Funny how we put our lives on hold and concentrate on our kids and spouse. Nothing wrong with that but we tend to put aside the things we like to do.

As for you dangling like a puppet. Take those strings away from him. You are only dangling if you want to dangle. It's all up to you how you play this out. Your H still hasn't faced any reality of what he did. I think that is why after 6 months you feel like you are still in limbo. Let Inpain move forward and let H catch up.

So much happiness within ourselves and with our kids. Your H is the one missing out ... not you :-)

Take care and keep those concerts coming .

Irish

[inpain]

Hi Irish, great to hear from you!

Love the GAL. So happy you went to the concert. First one in 20 years wow. Funny how we put our lives on hold and concentrate on our kids and spouse. Nothing wrong with that but we tend to put aside the things we like to do.

Yes, I hadn't really thought about the fact that I used to go to concerts and then haven't been to one since being with H until I was there at the concert, then it hit me and I wondered why on earth I hadn't been to one sooner! You might have heard of the guy I went to see - he's from Canada !!!

As for you dangling like a puppet. Take those strings away from him. You are only dangling if you want to dangle. It's all up to you how you play this out. Your H still hasn't faced any reality of what he did. I think that is why after 6 months you feel like you are still in limbo. Let Inpain move forward and let H catch up.

It is funny that you post this today. I have had the exact same things said to me from my parents this afternoon when I went round there in tears thanks to another 'talk' with H. I have to admit, I'm scared. The only next step I can see is to tell H I no longer want him to come in the house and to see a solicitor. It scares me and it breaks my heart. I don't see how any of this can be fixed unless H sees the reality of what he did and is still doing and accepts some responsibility for the breakdown of our M. Again today he has blamed it all on me and he apparently is the perfect, model H!!! So after six and a half months, when I thought I was doing so well at detaching and getting on without him I'm crying and lonely and just incredibly sad that it is over. I wanted the same happy home for my kids that I had and that is what tears me apart inside the most.

So much happiness within ourselves and with our kids. Your H is the one missing out ... not you :-)

Yes you're right, he is, yet sadly he doesn't think he is missing anything!

Take care and keep those concerts coming

I'm already searching for some tickets!

[Rouky]

What a great GAL, you go girl :-)! I fully understand where you come from about being scared, unfortunately fear is what is holding us up from moving forward. It's really difficult because we are holding onto something that no longer exist and that at the back of our mind we will always wonder what if we had done things differently .

What I have learnt from all this is that I had lost myself in my M. I had become a doormat and I had no respect for myself, so how can H have some for me.

I think now you need to focus on you and put potential R on the back burner. So far you have been incredibly strong and I can see your H is a fool, but you have to save yourself first. Like everyone says put the oxygen mask on first!
I'm 14 months in this mess. H isn't showing any sign of wanting to R or save M, even though it hurts me I have to accept that it's over. I find acceptance he hardest part of it all. In time your tears will fade away, and you'll realise that there is nothing you can do, your H is on his journey and you can't fix him.
Take care of yourself Inpain
((((((Hugs))))))

[Irish M]

Hi Inpain.. a Canadian artist... I'm hoping Brian Adams but i think you will answer Beiber.
|It's great you found something you loved to bo before your life with H. Taking back the old Inpain ,old in a good way :-)

I have to admit, I'm scared. The only next step I can see is to tell H I no longer want him to come in the house and to see a solicitor. It scares me and it breaks my heart. I don't see how any of this can be fixed unless H sees the reality of what he did and is still doing and accepts some responsibility for the breakdown of our M.

Scared is normal. It's change. Change you didn't ask for but you need to take control over. Your H wants out so It's time you take the drivers seat and let him scramble around you. Not to torture hum or punish him but he needs to realize that he made this choice and consequences are that he can't just come and go as he pleases. Will is shake him up. Who knows. He has a long way to go. You have your life to live the way you want it. Not being a hostage to his MLC.

Again today he has blamed it all on me and he apparently is the perfect, model H!!! So after six and a half months, when I thought I was doing so well at detaching and getting on without him I'm crying and lonely and just incredibly sad that it is over. I wanted the same happy home for my kids that I had and that is what tears me apart inside the most.

I wanted and still want the same for my girls. You are still a happy family you and your kids. Your parents, relatives etc. Your H is the one missing out. Make your home a home the kids feel loved and happy in. Your H can look through the window.

you got this. I really believe in you.

((Hugs))
Irish