I know sometimes we don't see eye to eye, but I wanted just wanted to say it is refreshing to see a dad take 50/50 even when it's going to challenge his life and comfort levels. I recently asked my ex to take 2 extra week nights in a month. He shot me down. His answer in short was "too stressful with my commute, transfer her to my school system and I'll help a little more" mind you, he lives 20 min away. It was a crappy answer, as I expected. I am glad there are men who would do what they need to do to be with their kids.
I had to leave the position I loved to make it work for my daughter. And let me tell you, it was a bunch of year going from job to job in my field to make it work, been laid off and the such. But I did it. I used modifications like day care, before and after school care. I am finally in a position that pays pretty well, is extremely family friendly, and stress free. However, I am bored to tears by it (I used to be a ICU nurse, now I am a paper pushing nurse). But I am ever so thankful for the opportunities it afford my daughter and I. There will be always be sacrifices, especially when it comes to kids. Careers need to be slowed down sometimes, ew may not kill it the way we want, or may not be in the job we love and crave, and it could be even more frustrating when the sacrifices come because of other people's decisions. I used to dwell on it and really resent my ex for that, but it come me no where but bitter and angry. I figure one day I will go back to doing what I love, but honestly, not having the stress of worrying about if I can make it to my child on time, or even pick her up when she is sick, which was a near impossible taks in my other jobs outweighs doing what I love for this time in my life.
There are options like hiring a mother's helper, someone to drive the kids home from school, getting them settled in and started on homework. It would relive some of the stress.
As for your dad's gift, it is absolutely wonderful, and to the benefit of you and your children. My dad helps me sometimes, nothing huge, but my pride used to get in the way. I now realize it is to the benefit of me and my daughter. He and his wife knew my desire to bring my daughter to Disney but the funds were never there, He paid for an all-expense paid trip everything included, I just paid for airfare to Disney. It meant the world to us. My dad always says "I rather help you while I'm alive, rather than wait until I'm dead. Accept what I give you now, as there won't be much left when I die"
You are a great father and a stand up man. Do I get a little sad when I read how hopeless for society you are? Yes. Why? That was me. When I let go of that, accepted not everyone is the same, and even stopped judging the people who don't align with my values and views, and just accepted it, and even focused on some of those people's good qualities, I know we are all just individuals in a world and are not bad people. And I saw how many people who actually share the same values and views as me, and with I am working on letting how I was done wrong in the past, not shape my future, because NO ONE but me, is allowed to take shape my future but me. I am just not letting anyone have the power to take away things I felt hopeful for the future. No one else can damage me to that extent anymore.
Sorry so lengthly. But for the record, I really see you "softening" and evolving lately. Keep doing it. It's ok to do. Doesn't make you weak, it doesn't mean you aren't respecting your own values. You are a loving human being.
Love your update, Zues. That's such great news about your dad and the house. Sorry that the legal stuff is dragging on so long. I had probably the easiest divorce in modern history and I thought the legal part was stressful. So I feel for you.
It's nice to see you continue to have passion and drive in your life, though. Very nice.
You might want to check into Code Camps for your son as they are really hot nowadays for young guys writing coding and hosting coding competitions. You're a good Dad!
Thank you all for the replies. What a great community. It always blows me away.
In regards to after school programs for me kids, it's not a bad idea. I'll see how things develop over the summer and that is a good resource to look into. Thanks for the idea.
Wonka, I did look into some coding camps. There is one I would like to send S12 to. I did some homework and just sent the email to XW to see if she'd be onboard. This is a BIG switch as in the past she has always unilaterally set up the kids' summer activities. But the parental agreement says we are to make the decisions jointly, and she even mentioned she didn't know what to do with S12 and was open to any ideas I had. We'll see how she replies. In the past I'd say she would be 100% to shoot down ANY suggestion of mine on the parenting front (this is NOT an exaggeration, I truly mean 100% until I gave up trying to offer any parental opinions, which I regret as I shouldn't been much more assertive and put my foot down when needed). But now if she wants to be cooperative co-parents maybe she'll respond differently, particularly since I'll also have veto power on whatever activities she lines up with Ds 5 & 9.
Either way it's exhausting to have to pass everything through congress this way, and be strategic about it. But to repeat "divorce is ghastly" again and again doesn't help, you all know I think it's criminal and destructive beyond measure. So I'll just keep shrugging it off as it's not my decision.
Ginger, thanks for the courage to post on my thread. You're always welcome. I do regard the general population as 'good' people. I just disagree with the majorities values. Like if we time traveled back to the 1700s, most people that could afford it had slaves and had no problem with that. They were still all people, with good hearts, that worked hard, raised families, and shared the human experience. But that doesn't change the fact that I think slavery is atrocious, and the practice of breaking up families to make money on a sale of a human makes me shudder.
So let me ask. If you were in the 1700s and the majority of people felt slavery was normal and acceptable, would you just say 'well, this is what we believe in our society, I may not disagree but who am I to judge'? Would you go to dinner with people that had slaves serving food to you and just shrug because they're good people? Or would it be so appalling to you that you'd take a stance against it, and let your stance be known, to cast what little bit of influence you had against this practice?
I do think the people in the world today are all good people, I just happen to view divorce as the biggest social plague in our culture. I want nothing to do with it, I want nothing to do with those who are ok with it. And while I'm not picketing at the courthouse, I will definitely use my influence with my children, friends, and family to speak out against this practice where I can.
So that is where I stand. I do feel I am judging the behavior, not the people. But also, from a practical sense, it does discourage me from opening the door to other people in my lives. As I've said, this is just a math thing. If statistics bear true that any future relationship I have is extremely likely to end in divorce or betrayal, do I want to play? Maybe I will at some point, but right now it looks grotesque.
I think an interesting question for the DB members is this: If you KNEW 100% that your next marriage would end in betrayal and another divorce, but that you'd have a honeymoon period and some companionship for 3-15 years...would you sign up for that relationship?
I think most people would because they convince themselves they'll be the exception to the rule, but really they just want what's available so take what you can get even if it's moldy food.
Not for me.
Now, I get that there are no guarantees. But I'd have to have really good reason to believe that my partner was as committed as I was. And while there are indubitably people with similar beliefs, we are in a society where I'm in the minority, and those beliefs can't always be revealed without trial as most people claim to share a commitment to marriage they don't back up.
So no guarantee, understood, vast underdog and near assurance of betrayal, no thanks. Not saying that has to be the case for everyone else, but this is a pretty good picture of how I feel about it.
Thanks again for posting and for the props on being a dad. After years of thinking I was garbage it's nice to know I'm making a difference for my kids. Such good things! They had a stir fry the other day, with rice and broccoli and carrots and grilled chicken! A year ago it was Burger King and Pizza and boxes of sugary cereal. Seriously cool! Not to mention all the other good things going on
Sunny - There is zero chance I would ever be able to be your facebook friend.
Hello Ciluzen, Juju, V, and the gang. Appreciate you all and talk soon!
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Congrats on the healthy dinner, dad. Sadly, since I started my new job, we've eaten more takeout than we did the prior 10 years. Not fast food, not terrible stuff, but not my norm. But that's ok, it's what I needed to do to keep my sanity.
I love how as life changes and we find our core we can change our approach and remain true to who we are. Wonderful part of this journey.
Hi Zues. Don't post often but do follow. Amazing offer from your Dad and as for having to rely on family for help , financial or emotional , they are your family and I've no doubt your dad was delighted to be in a position to give you the help.
I agree with your thoughts on divorce and statistics would support you
the issues of childcare will be resolved. You've shown great strength through this and no doubt will continue to do so
Your kids are lucky to have a dad like you and it will benefit them throughout their whole lives
Sunny - There is zero chance I would ever be able to be your facebook friend.
Zues, I didn't see this until after we had started our theoretical discussion on male/female "friends" v "Friends" over on my thread. That was a good intellectual discussion over there. This is personal, and it's harsh.
Sorry SB. I should've been less subtle. I was just saying that if I were in a relationship with someone else I couldn't get too close to you. It was a failed compliment and joke. My apologies.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
