What Should I be doing 3

[sandi2]

I think that is about as good as you could expect from her. Just the fact she did not go to a separate room to sleep is a positive.

I am relieved that things went well. I think she is trying to reassure you, and at the same time tell you it will take a little time for her to get there.

I agree (based on your posts) that she doesn't seem as far gone as I was, so take that as a positive, too.

Don't let what I am about to say throw you for a loop. Since she is apparently cooperating and doing what you have asked, then you can start being more friendly and warm toward her. You can engage in conversations a little more. This is not the time to pull back. Don't smother her, and don't act as if you are breathing down her neck.........you don't have to be glued to her hip. In fact, she will need a little space at times. I am just saying that once the WW turns toward the M again, the H should not be cold, acting sulled or hurt, etc. When the couple reaches this place in the road, he needs to be a little warmer and more pleasant, more fun (if possible), but not over doing it. If the H over kills on his excitement and act as if everything is fine now..........it could cause her to pull back. She's like that skittish squirrel.

It is not easy for either one of the spouses who reach this point. Their is a lot of hard work ahead of them. One couple cannot gauge their amount of progress and time with another couple's progress. Truthfully, I was surprised that Coconut's W did not put up a lot more resistance, and if she had had to choose between him or the firefighting.......there could have been a different outcome. I am still concerned about the OM being there. The next few weeks will be critical.

Anyway, I suggest that you try to keep things light when at home with the family. In other words, don't allow the atmosphere to be heavy and serious all the time (as long as she's doing what she's suppose to do). You can engage in family togetherness and fun activities with her and son. Keep the interactions pleasant, friendly, and warm. Just stay alert and don't let your guard down.

I have to say, Coconut, I feel more encouraged about the situation than I've been about some others on the board. We will hope and pray together that she will have the strength to avoid OM. She will need your encouragement, affirmation, and a sense of teamwork between the two of you.

I would tell any LBH who is at this point in his situation (or really....at any point), to be careful during this time of her accountability that you do not appear as being self-righteous when interacting with her. You are not her judge or her parent. I think for some men, trying to present a picture of strength and firmness.......(while he's dealing with his own inner turmoil)........has to be watchful that he does not appear to be her lord or warden. Am I making sense?

For some WW's, she can sense very quickly if her H is "looking down" on her, or putting himself up a little higher than her. I have seen a few men in past years who had developed a self-righteous attitude. Several even told me that NOTHING was worse than cheating. Nothing??? I can almost guarantee you that a flare of rebellion will surely show itself if your W believes you feel better than her b/c you haven't cheated......and she did. Nobody is without sin!

I think men are so focused on securing the MR, and he doesn't deal with some feelings that try to surface. Many have discovered that after they reconcile he starts experiencing resentment, bitterness, and coldness toward his W. And..........sometimes the LBH becomes the WAH. Ironic, isn't it?

I encourage the LBH'S to get therapy or spiritual counseling, of they have these negative feelings. It is understandable how a LBS could experience these things, so just find help to work through it.

After reconciliation, I really believe the couple needs a good family therapist, or some source to guide them during piecing.

[Coconut]

So apparently the girls in my wife's firefighter class are going for a girls night out and have invited my wife.. She showed me the text and I believe that is the case, but she's asking if I'm ok with it...

So my gut instinct tells me say yes, it's just the girls, and they are coming to my house the next day, so it is highly unlikely my W would do anything inappropriate since I will be spending the next day with them all.... But even though I believe it, I know my anxiety is going to shoot through the roof, although I am going out that night also..

Also, this is nothing new, as my wife has always enjoyed the girls nights out, just usually with our friends that I know very well..

I guess it's gonna happen sooner or later, so what do you think?

[cbtdad]

To me she is being as open and transparent as possible
My W did the same thing the first few months we started working on things
My anxiety was high, but I knew it was the starting point of try to make things right
It's gonna take a while for that anxiety to go away. You might as well start working on that now

[sandi2]

So they are spending the night together......like a bunking party?

Well, this is a tough one for you, I am sure. Even though I don't like to see a WW immediately join in an overnight event..... I kind of think you are going to have act as if you are relaxed and trusting her. I wouldn't even require that she texts you throughout her girls night out. If she volunteers, fine, but otherwise....just show a presence of trust (even if your stomach's in knots). If she's smart, she'll know you are giving her a chance to earn a little more trust.

If there is any hanky-panky, I think it will show up. Remain calm, in fact why not go out yourself? Then the next day, you can silently evaluate your W's attitude when they come back to the house.

Don't ask her a lot of questions, b/c it could appear like interrogation.

[Coconut]

Sandi, it's not overnight, just going out to a club/bar for a few hours.. Actually, it seems that they are changing locations to go to a country bar, to do some line dancing (I'm much more comfortable with than original plan), I was planning on not asking for reassurances because I want to see what she does on her own. With the change of venue my anxiety has gone way down (it's right next to the house and we've been there a lot together), so I'm pretty happy right now. The original plan was to go to a high class bar, which has a reputation as a milf bar.

As for me, I am going out with some friends, I actually had my plans in place first so I think that made it easier for her to ask me about her going out. She also asked me to go out with her the next night, pseudo date night, which I think is a good sign. Things seem to be going good, but I am still very cautious...

[sandi2]

Okay, that's good!

Glad you are going out, too.

Just a tip about the pseudo date night, when talking to her about it, don't refer to it as a "date", even if she does. The date word tends to put weight in the wrong places, thus causing some pressure. Maybe think of it as "fun" night.

[Coconut]

Ok, so my plans fell through, so I'm at home while she's out... She hasn't text (which I was hoping she would have offered reassurance), and I'm trying to hold off texting her.... I'm still ok with who she went out with and where she went, I'm just surprised she hasn't text, but that's putting expectations on her that I shouldn't do...

[Coconut]

And now, just a few minutes after my last post, she texts "hey babe, how are you"... My analyzing mind asks why she doesn't say I'm thinking of you... Instead it feels like she's checking to see if I'm awake, grrr, why do I have to over analyze everything... I'm just gonna stay silent and not respond, pretty much what I would always do this time of night, it's almost 1 am here..

[Wonka]

And now, just a few minutes after my last post, she texts "hey babe, how are you"... My analyzing mind asks why she doesn't say I'm thinking of you... Instead it feels like she's checking to see if I'm awake, grrr, why do I have to over analyze everything... I'm just gonna stay silent and not respond, pretty much what I would always do this time of night, it's almost 1 am here..

Wha...WHAT?! You must be thick-headed....wow.

She called you "babe" which is GREAT in my book AND asked how you were. Super!!!

And you're not happy? What the hell?? Geez..that's too bad because YOU lost an opportunity for some fun, light-hearted exchanges with W. You need to understand that W was most definitely thinking of you otherwise she wouldn't have bothered to text you at all.

I think it's high time for you to read Gottman's two books called Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work and The Relationship Cure. They are perfect for your current sitch. You two need to learn how to reconnect as friends and work on the emotional connection.

[Zues126]

For some WW's, she can sense very quickly if her H is "looking down" on her, or putting himself up a little higher than her. I have seen a few men in past years who had developed a self-righteous attitude. Several even told me that NOTHING was worse than cheating. Nothing??? I can almost guarantee you that a flare of rebellion will surely show itself if your W believes you feel better than her b/c you haven't cheated......and she did. Nobody is without sin!

Sandi, I hesitate to post because I think I support your main point which is how a LBS should act, and common pitfalls. I agree it can bring a marriage down if an LBS feels entitled to cling to resentment or act diminishing towards their feelings.

But while we all have sin, our society recognizes a difference. Murder isn't the same as theft which isn't the same as using your water cup for fountain soda at a fast food joint.

I do think that infidelity is the worst thing that can happen in a relationship. Society has softened on this quite a bit and there's a new age attitude going on that infidelity can be a catalyst for both people to grow and take their relationship to the next level. While that is possible, and in his position I root for him in his quest to do just that, I can't join the chorus of voices that minimize the betrayal cheating is.

For me personally I have come a ways on this one. When I started I would've worked through it with XW shortly after BD. Now I'm glad we didn't. I would rather be single for the count than with someone that is capable of cheating. Don't get me started on the 'we're all capable given the right circumstance', it's simply not true. But if I were to even think about working through a betrayal like this, I couldn't even consider it unless I was convinced that WW understood how atrocious it really was. If she had the attitude 'It was a bad relationship and we both made mistakes' when the topic came up that wouldn't work for me. If WW didn't understand that she broke trust and escalated the pain in the relationship in a permanent and devastating way that could never be fully recovered from, and that it was out of bounds by miles, and committed to being a better person that wouldn't ever have cheating in her vocabulary again...well, no go for this guy.

Now, forgiveness is critical. Losing the score keeping is critical. Moving forward. Not bringing it up or lording it over her. Recognizing that while her response was inappropriate that doesn't diminish the validity of her feelings and the pain in her relationship. Working together as a partnership and not with an attitude of 'now I've got you, you'll pay for what you've done and make it up to me'. All good stuff.

But let's do all of this without further contributing to the breakdown of the little that's left in belief in commitment.

By the way Sandi, thank you so much for posting and helping so many for so long. I have been wanting to tell you that, I read all of your posts and am so appreciative for you. I thought I'd better say that now so you knew I was fired up about infidelity, not you!