Just a Vanilla Change 30

[SH_]

Good morning Sweet V!

Just a drive by to share a rainbow hug, tell you I hope you are feeling better and thank you for checking in on me and my daughters.

You have been an Angel sent to me by God, and I will be forever grateful your path crossed mine in my hour of need.

(((Vanilla)))

[Vanilla]

I have been called some things in my life, most of them by xWH!

Some no doubt I deserved.

It's the first time I have been referred to as an angel! I like it though too. It's the better part of the residual FOO I have and I intend to shift into it more.

Thank you for your kindness SH, you did the work needed for you and your Ds.

V

[Vanilla]

I am in a pensive mood

Reflecting on what is different now than it was when I first arrived.

What is that makes an adult an adult?

What do I see in those that have had shift compared to those who have merely adapted or changed such that they can repattern. What is it that some here achieve and others miss.

What makes the LBS who has successfully DB different from the wayward?

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Know emotions, feel them, and observe

I think I couldn't tell the difference between some of my feelings. I confused anger with disgust for instance. And some things I labelled as feelings were either thoughts states or behaviours. For instance I feel uncomfortable is a state. As is I feel cold. I feel hungry. Etc I feel put down or disrespected is a thought. I feel like getting a coffee or going for a run is a behaviour.

When I had a feeling then I often let it drive my behaviour. Instead of observing I acted on the emotion. Although intellectually I knew that feelings could be observed I didn't regulate. I acted too much, especially out of fear.

Now I consider before I act and it's much better. I know longer knee jerk all the time.

That's shift because I know how to regulate and observe. I am happy about this change.

I am still stuck expressing anger, it's the one emotion I don't have in my repertoire.

I have noticed that waywards can't regulate in this way. XWH used to say I was 'cool' emotionally and it's possible that I didn't identify the feelings I had and express it. Fair point.

The emotional level is appropriate for the situation, sad that your dog died more than you broke a cup. Anger that a major boundary was breached and not because your spouse knocked over the milk. I noticed xWH anger could be inappropriate directed or at a wrong level for the breach.
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Expectations of others

I had very few expectations of others, few boundaries of my own. I failed to hold others to their obligations and commitments.

I kept on giving even when it was inappropriate to do so and not in my own best interest. I have a realisation but no shift.

Waywards have entitlements, so many of them, to time, assets, resources, fins. They believe they are allowed their cake and eat it.

Lack of consequences.

This one is tough for me and there is very little shift.

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Know who I am

I have goals, dreams and ambitions. I know those and they can change. I can let them.

I can let go of things I don't need and treasure what I do. I can detach and evaluate.

Yes shift, I know me and I like me. Quite a bit now.

I want the best for me and I am taking extreme care of me.

I am precious to me and this will come first above all.

I am resolving my fins too.

I am getting to the point where I am able to tell others who I am and show it without feeling ashamed. I no longer make excuses when I don't want to do something. I say no. I have my view and am open to it being changed. What others think of me is their concern.

This is big shift.

I have noticed that waywards and abusers adapt to gaslight and hide who they are to hook and mislead. This means they must be ever vigilant and on guard. They often are so inconsistent we don't know them. How often have I said I love who I thought xWH was. Actually I have no clue who he really was and I doubt he does either. I truly am detached that's his concern as is what he thinks of me. XWH had no goals or dreams, his whole self was hooked on his compulsions and keeping these going. They drove him and probably still do. Not my circus not my monkeys.
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Self worth

Extreme self care, looking after my interests. Being self centred not selfish. I have the capacity

Waywards are selfish even against their own longer term self interest. Impulsive and immediate.

I evaluate my sitch and balance outcomes, looking for win win solutions. Compromising and negotiating to achieve better results. I decide to be impulsive as a positive decision.


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Manage my bad times and PTSD

I just used to struggle alone and had no tools to deal with being abused. Or the PTSD and it got worse.

I have researched and learned about abuse so that I can self soothe. I manage the episodes using CBT, DBT and NLP.

I study counselling so I can counsel others and understand a little of the dynamics of R. Mainly it's helped me.

Learning about errors in thinking was a milestone for me.

I think waywards abusers and compulsives medicate often using alcohol, drugs and affairs. There seems to be low tolerance for bad times.

This was a shift.

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Carry things through

I have always been responsible, caring for others. Doing too much to meet commitments. Some of which were illusionary.

I am having to learn to let some commitments go and explaining to others why. Some things are beyond me and so I say no. It's better to say no up front than give away my power and struggle to complete.

This way I have time to rest.

I honour fewer commitments now.

Big shift.

I noticed that xWH and other waywards drop commitments if they are inconvient for them even saying they didn't make them in the first place. There is no conscience on it at all.

I try to resolve than feel guilty about what I do.

Shift

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Resolve my childhood issues

I looked at things I didn't even know were an influence, studied ACES in childhood. I continue.

Let's just say this was the knowledge phase of shift. An on going project for me.

I doubt if waywards compulsives and those with personality issues resolve their issues.

No shift yet.

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Creativity and solving problems focused on my stuff and others if they ask

I can see more solutions and can ask others to help. I am learning more and more about things I didn't even know I needed to know.

I can tolerate dissonance whilst waiting. I am no longer quite so dogmatic and I can apologise to others when I get it wrong and look for better more creative solutions.

Shift.

I am no longer focused on finding solutions in R,instead I am working on me to get to be a better boss, friend, neighbour, sister and ultimately partner. I no longer focus on xWH, it's directed towards me.

When I am where I want to be then I can stop.

I want to get myself to the point this is no longer a limiting factor.

No thoughts about waywards on this one.

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I can be alone if I need to be

I don't need another. I prefer the company of others and I have the widest variety.

If a partner shows he does. If not that's ok. I have a full life.

I think waywards, compulsive and abusers have to have another to have resources. They won't want alone.

I can wait until I get that which I need in life. To be with someone who values me, who is free to be with me.

Pretty much has always been this way.

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I know me and kinda like me, I listen to my higher power

For who I am not what I do.

I think waywards compulsives and abusers don't know themselves. They may well value themselves and others on what they do.

I will value me and what others think of me is their concern. I will be me, who I am and who I want to be.

I try to be open and honest. 12 steps has been my go to.

I listen to my higher power, in fact that higher power connects all the time. I didn't listen before.

Shift.

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Those are my thoughts on what it takes to be mature.

Now to devise an action plan on this.


V

[JksD]

Lovely post, V.

I have taken a hiatus from cutting out your 'NO's.

Now you've got me mulling.

[Vanilla]

Action Plan

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Know emotions, feel them, and observe

I keep a journal and post regularly, I reflect on my feelings and name them. I consider carefully before I act and I request feedback.

I am open when I feel an emotion, I understand the strength of the feelings I have.

I observe my feelings knowing that they may be inappropriate.
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Expectations of others

I act in my own best interest after considering the impact on others. As far as possible I look for the best soptions for all.

I hold others acountable for the bargains they make.

I ensure others know my boundary and warn them before breaches are made.

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Know who I am

I evaluate my goals and refer to my core values on a quarterly basis.

I balance my life and take action to adjust when I am over burdened.

I advise others if I am unable to meet an obligation and I search for resources to fill any gaps in my skills and abilities.

I meditate daily and connect with my higher spirit.
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Self worth

I live a life of extreme self care, I work to be my best self adjusting when required. I allow myself space for mistakes and am compassionate.

I evaluate my sitch and balance outcomes, looking for win win solutions. Compromising and negotiating to achieve better results. I decide to be impulsive as a positive decision.

I know I am good enough and as a person and that my worth is about who I am not what I do, I remind myself daily of the things I am grateful for.


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Manage my bad times and PTSD

I seek extra help for my bad times, I get active and look to examine my PTSD. I am honest about my state.

I look to resolve my FOO, by therapy and personal growth. I release my burdens from childhood as I become aware of them.
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Carry things through

I release burdens which are not mine to carry, concentrating on my issues.

I seek to make progress on my fins, concentrating on becoming financially solvent. I raise 2 invoices daily and chase for payment on old invoices every week.
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Resolve my childhood issues

I seek counselling for my unresolved issues and I listen to guidance. I attend twelve steps.

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Creativity and solving problems focused on my stuff and others if they ask

I actively seeking solotions to problems, I give myself extra time to think of new ideas. I research and request help when needed.

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I can be alone if I need to be

I live my life to the full building time to be alone to just be. I embrace my own company, meditating daily.

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I know me and kinda like me, I listen to my higher power

I pray and journal every day, I write and reflect, I live authentically so that I am good to myself.

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V

[Vanilla]

None of this is about xWH.

I want a greater influence on me than xWH has had.

V

[Vanilla]

I feel like ranting

Fart

FART

fart

Fart

Fart

Fart

Fart

Fart

Fart

Fart

V

[Phoebe]

If you can't rant here, then where can you rant? Go for it. Besides it was kind of funny to see after your more serious thoughts.

(((V)))

[SH_]

I feel like ranting

Fart

FART

fart

Fart

Fart

Fart

Fart

Fart

Fart

Fart

V

Rant away Lady V!!!!

I hope it does not offend that reading this gave me a good chuckle
Teeheehee
I hope you are finding peace today and doing well.

((((Vanilla))))

[mustardseed]

Although I always love your posts, your last few has really resonated with me.

First the insight. I found myself mentally checking off items on your lists, and making note of the things I still struggle with. It was eye opening to see it spelled out the way you did--and recognizing the growth.

Second--the farts--there is nothing like the relief that comes after letting it rip. Go right ahead. Here is a safe place.