I had to collect my bits but I don't want to see him. So I demanded I go round to his via the L of course. He said of course gg would tomorrow suit.
Nope he sent an over my dead body, which I was my need. Tick gg gets to keep her boundary and stay nc. Do what works love.
I keep reminding mine how much I loved him. He runs faster away, it's in the past for me, but for him he's terrified. I don't need or want to see him. I prefer it that way.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
I sometimes ask myself "when will I be over this? "
There have been times in the last couple of years when I simply did not want to be and did not want to be me. Where the easiest thing would be to sleep forever.
I know my feelings and thoughts are down to who I am. And it isn't good and I want to heal from abuse. Sometimes it loops though.
I can be compassionate to others whilst being tough on me. Tougher than xWH has been in some areas. The PTSD and self talk are destructive some times. It is getting in the way of healing. I keep holding xWH words in my mind.
I can't change what happened and it keeps rehashing and revisiting in this destructive mechanism.
I have relieved myself of the burden of his awful behaviour and I make this very difficult for myself. I blame myself often enough, not for xWH behaviour but for my own response.
I am holding myself accountable for 'crimes' which are not mine, found myself guilty and given myself unfounded false convictions. It's fake guilt, and behaves like the real thing. It's imaginary.
I think feeling ill, unwell is confused with being bad.
It stops me from taking action, I think it confuses me with real action. As if feeling imaginary guilt is an action of its own.
Keeps me chained to the past and I prefer to live in the present. Is this a wrong? Really?
I feel a little stuck at this point.
Rather unmotivated.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
As SH said yesterday in my thread rumination is not healthy. Just live for today. Unstuck yourself, keep busy with things around the home and visit some friends.
(((V)))
H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6 S-9,8,8,6,4 S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15 EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16 PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16 XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16 Finally moving forward...
I hope you are not being too hard on Screaming Banshee. Sure, she's emotionally driven... But she's also loyal, honest, brave, and stood up for you when no one else could.
I think often times, we all are our own worst enemies. Something we all need to work torwards...being forgiving and kind to ourselves.
My mother often says "guilt is a wasted emotion". What do you think?
Sometimes the feelings just take over. I let them and observe when I can.
My guilt
- not spotting this nature in WH - introducing this man to my family and friends - having few boundaries - being slow to bounce back - screaming banshee reaction - the on going depression and complex PTSD - my dire fins putting my business at risk - lack of general motivation - still having about 20 lbs of excess weight - the fact that extreme self care has lapsed
Will that do? Ju
Big mess of guilt to wallow in.
I think most of it is just being unwell at present.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Guilt...I have always felt that guilt is a way to punish ourselves for something we feel we did wrong.
noone else can MAKE us feel guilty...it is all on us.
your list, it is all in the past, you have learned to effectively create boundaries, recognise abusive tendencies, bringing him into your life and the lives of your family.
you have learned who the screening banshee Is and what she did was to protect yourswlf. you can recornize that now...which is part of your shift, right?
you are learning that motivation to be the best you is within yourself and this $hit takes time, is not a linear path, ups and downs and all-around sometimes.
sometimes it is easy to let self care lapse, oh boy we are all going through it from time to timw...it is part of learning and I know you will spring back. I KNOW this because you are aware of the benefits of you being happy and what that self care can do for yourself
all this guilt, it is all from within. I have come to realize that I feel guilty when i dont feel like I was punished enough. for example...I was in a car accident umpteen years ago, I was at a bachelor party and drove home. I fell asleep and destroyed my car. I walked away. I coukd have died, i could have killed people because I was stupid and juvenile and stupid. I was not charged or anything...it was pure luck, call it whatever. I feel like I've learned my lesson. I do not drink and drive anymore...it is just not worth it to get buzzed and try.
I still torture myself with the guilt of my crime from time to time...roscolnikovishly. I use that guilt to make sure i dont ever do that again. is that good, idk...can I ever move forward without forgiving myself...not sure, that is all on me though, no one else gives me that guilt. eventually I will decide for myself what i will do.
as for motivation or wallow...that is up to you, right? maybe I am off base. this situation kicks our a$$es sometimes, getting up and learning from that is what separates us from being a quitter.
you are not a quitter. you are not a survivor...you are a thriver, right?
Hi Vanilla. I think that everyone here has engaged in some serious self-recrimination/guilt as part of this messy process. It's not particularly helpful or healing, but it is completely normal. Try not to let this normal reaction be another thing to beat yourself up about. You are on a long journey, one with a very circuitous route.
You deserve to receive as much compassion from yourself as you so generously give to others. Be kind to yourself and remember to put on your own oxygen mask first, lovely V.
If your self care has lapsed, how about finding one small thing that you can do for yourself tomorrow that will soothe you. Put on some beautiful music, take a nice bath, or take time out to read a book you haven't had time to pick up. Whatever you do, frame it positively. Extreme self-care sounds a bit daunting, so how about tomorrow you decide to simply pamper yourself for a little while?
Set yourself up to succeed by setting small, attainable goals for a little while.
H: 44, Me: 45 Married: 20 y Together: 25 y no kids Walk away: 12/15 Asked for temp separation 12/25/15 PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had) H filed for D 5/16
I read your list and have to completely disagree You are kind hearted and trusting , that's all you have to be guilty about XH is a sh@t , a waste of space and certainly not worth a precious person such as Lady V feeling anything but relief that she has removed him from her life.
It's roller coaster time Sis, this is a down slope and an up slope is next.
Please please do take on any blame for a ubderhand , sly , manipulating berk
You've helped so many with your wise and caring words. Turn some of that love inwards because you needed self care right now
