IP. sadly there is no fast forward of skip to the end.
IP, I see that you will take control of yours and steer your self to the better life. Your kids and yourself deserve it.
Hi Irish! (Sigh) If only there were a train station I could get off at. I'm so tired of this journey now.
I wish I could see what you see: me taking control and steering towards a better life. All I see is confusion and pain ahead of me for many years to come. At the moment the kids are my main cause of painful thoughts. I just do not want to miss a single moment or day of my kids' lives and I know that if H does not return to our M then I will miss out on lots of days and times with them. I cry every time I think of it. Everyone around me says, "Think of the time alone you'll be able to have." Well that doesn't help me because I don't want time alone from my children. I went through so much to have them (long story) and it is my place to be with them every day. Custody of children and swapping them to and fro is, in my opinion, the most dreadful thing about D. It breaks my heart all over again.
Originally Posted By: IrishM
I wish I could send you a video I made, me and my girls at a Canadian animal safari . amazing day and i look at it often and see them smiling and it shows me that I can do this. So can you :-)
That sounds wonderful Irish! I know the feeling you describe. We have just had half term holidays here and I have a few videos of the kids having fun and they make me feel the same way when I watch them.
Lots of GAL activities with the kids the last few days as it has been half term holidays. We ended up having a few days away with my parents in their caravan. Not far away from home but it was nice to get away and also to not sit on my own in the evenings. When the kids weren't in earshot Mum and Dad and I did a lot of talking about H and the situation. I don't think they can ever forgive H for what he has done and they are adamant they don't want me to even entertain the idea of a reconciliation. Even when they see me in tears at the thought of the kids being with H every other weekend they think that would be better than us getting back together. It worries me that they feel this way. Deep down I feel as though they are right and it makes me so sad. When I look back over all the painful things H has done over the last 10 years I feel ashamed to have 'settled' for it.
We got home late from our camping trip and then had a family party to go to the following evening, so all in all, we didn't see H at all for 4 days.
Stupidly I'd hoped our absence might have provoked something in H but no. He came round last night all smiles for the kids and barely spoke to me. We are back to him leaving as soon as they are in bed. Before he left he told me that he wasn't ignoring me but he just didn't have anything to say and was tired.
I really don't know what my next steps should be. As far as H will allow I have been dark and NC for months now in that I only text when he texts, I wait a long time before replying and keep my replies brief and to the point. I have done all sorts of GAL - I feel like I don't stop!
A month ago it seemed it was working - with the meal and everything, but now it seems my Mum was right about all that and it was just H going through the motions so that he could say he's tried everything before filing for D. (He actually said he now knows he tried everything and it didn't work last weekend.)
[quote=Irish M] At the moment the kids are my main cause of painful thoughts. I just do not want to miss a single moment or day of my kids' lives and I know that if H does not return to our M then I will miss out on lots of days and times with them. I cry every time I think of it. Everyone around me says, "Think of the time alone you'll be able to have." Well that doesn't help me because I don't want time alone from my children. I went through so much to have them (long story) and it is my place to be with them every day. Custody of children and swapping them to and fro is, in my opinion, the most dreadful thing about D. It breaks my heart all over again.
Inpain- my heart breaks for you from the above. I know the struggle as the plan was never to have kids and only see them part time. It is not fair... Besides the heartache of losing a loved one in the marriage, the pain in this area is harder in my opinion
I am in the same boat with you. I didn't sign up for seeing my D part time...not fair. It is the hardest part IMHO of divorce if you have kids of this age. And free time...whatever....I would rather spend it with my daughter.
I hope the time you can spend with them is precious and just let them know always how much you love them which I am sure you do. I am not sure what you have told them but when the time comes if they don't know your situation, the will figure it out. My D is too young for me to put the blame on the WAW as it won't have any positive impact. But one day...I will let her know the scoop
There is no easy road with the kids but accepting it and cherishing the time you have with them.
_________________________ Me-48 Spouse-WAW 52 Married for 10 years D7 ILYBNILWY 7/15 Suspect EA/PA 12/15 No confirmation/denial She files 1/2016 Working towards the Big D ...still in progress....
A month ago it seemed it was working - with the meal and everything, but now it seems my Mum was right about all that and it was just H going through the motions so that he could say he's tried everything before filing for D. (He actually said he now knows he tried everything and it didn't work last weekend.)
Hi IP Mine said the same thing. Also provoked conflict so she said she tried and I didn't. All to justify their choice and actions. It's very common, I've read it in so many stories here.
As for you parents never forgiving your H ( if he puts on his big boy pants) They will accept him if they see you happy. They will probably vote against it but as time passes and they see he has matured and is out of his identity crisis , they too will accept him.
You shouldn't let that drive your decision.
Those parents that are happy to see their kids every second week are sad. Society has driven families to break up. Part time parenting and no structure from both sides. Any parent that needs a week off after a week with their kids should never have been parents in the first place . It's selfish. My STBXW hated hearing moms say that . "Ohh its great no kids for a week I can do what I WANT. " only now she's become worse than them... Not seeing them at all
Hugs to you IP
Irish
M51 XW43 (38 at bd) BD1 MAY 30 2015 BD2 JUNE 25 2015 by text moved out Aug 2 2015 left both Daughters 13 and 15 (now 18-20) Her divorce Final July 26 2016 Last time she saw her kids Aug 2 2015
The not seeing kids is hard for me too. My D 22 moved home from college and is living with my mother-in-law because I took in my nephew (15 yo) because my sister died 8 years ago and his step- mom kicked him out. He's a good kid who made a bad choice. Much like my MLCer I feel. S18 goes between my and my H's house. It's been hard on everyone and watching them do family activities we used to enjoy as a family without me is tough. My best advice is keep the communication open while they're young. Our family was always close, but last year when H was having the A, and checked out and was never home, son got into trouble and D drank like a fish. The captain of the family ship was sinking it and I felt like I was on the Titanic yelling "iceberg!" and no one was paying attention to me. Add to that, I was home bound after a major surgery and the kids were out of control. Like the Titanic, we all went down with it. Let the kids know you are there to listen to them. We are going to make it through this.
M 25 T 29 D 22 S 18 BD 9-11-15 H says he's ambivalent about staying in the marriage
Thank you so much for your support Rich4j, Irish and Roxi. It is comforting and reassuring to know I am not alone in feeling this way. Whilst I know deep down I'm not the only one to feel this way, I seem to be surrounded by people telling me, "It's not that bad!" "You'll come to enjoy it!" etc and it does make me wonder if I am abnormal in some way to feel so strongly about it.
Originally Posted By: Rich4j
Besides the heartache of losing a loved one in the marriage, the pain in this area is harder in my opinion
You are so right Rich4j. I seem to be consumed by this pain at the moment. I am appalled and dismayed by the very idea.
Originally Posted By: IrishM
Mine said the same thing. Also provoked conflict so she said she tried and I didn't. All to justify their choice and actions. It's very common, I've read it in so many stories here.
As for you parents never forgiving your H ( if he puts on his big boy pants) They will accept him if they see you happy. They will probably vote against it but as time passes and they see he has matured and is out of his identity crisis , they too will accept him.
You shouldn't let that drive your decision.
Irish, I still find it so incredible that they all seem to run to the same script! I feel like a fool for not seeing what my Mum could see so clearly.
I try not to let what they say affect my decisions but it is hard when I am leaning on them so much for support and they voice this opinion. As with you, this is the second time my H has left and my parents said the same last time. I don't think they will be as accepting if he were to come back this time. Particularly because of the pain he has caused/is causing the kids. Last time our S was too young to know anything about it.
Originally Posted By: IrishM
Those parents that are happy to see their kids every second week are sad. Society has driven families to break up. Part time parenting and no structure from both sides. Any parent that needs a week off after a week with their kids should never have been parents in the first place . It's selfish. My STBXW hated hearing moms say that . "Ohh its great no kids for a week I can do what I WANT. " only now she's become worse than them... Not seeing them at all
I totally agree! It is completely selfish! I have spent hours over the last few days reading articles on the internet about accepting being separated from your children because of custody arrangements and feel sick at what I read. Every article is so matter of fact. As you say, it is just so common place and accepted in our selfish society that nobody bats an eyelid. I have never not wanted something more than I don't want this. I don't know how to get past this. I know myself and I know I will never, ever be OK with it.
Originally Posted By: Roxi
The captain of the family ship was sinking it and I felt like I was on the Titanic yelling "iceberg!" and no one was paying attention to me. Add to that, I was home bound after a major surgery and the kids were out of control.
Roxi, how awful! I think this describes it perfectly - likening it to being on the Titanic! Why don't our WAS feel this way? I feel like I had children with a fraudster. I keep reading articles saying that doing this to the children and enforcing them to live in two homes is "nobody's fault". I disagree. Our WAS could chose to not enforce this on them but they are chosing not to.
I'm sorry everyone. I know I sound negative and maudlin right now. I am. I am struggling a lot at the moment. I was doing so well, or so I thought. But now I wonder if I was only doing well because H had led me to believe there was a chance he would be coming home? Tomorrow is my 7 month 'bombiversary" and I sit here in disbelief still. Disbelief that it is happening, that it has been that long, and that H has still not filed or reconciled. I am beyond worn out with it all.
'Interesting' night with WAH tonight. This morning he dropped our car off for me to use on his way home (he is living on the same street just a few doors down from our house!) and asked if I wanted us all to have a takeaway tea this evening. I declined as I had leftovers to use up. Feeling guilty, and because I'm a doormat/nice person, I later asked if he would like to join us for the tea I was making. He did. He ate it then fell asleep in the armchair while the kids were trying to talk to him. At one point I woke him and suggested he went home to bed. He promptly fell back asleep and the kids and I got on with our evening. Once they were in bed I woke him again and made him a coffee as I was having one.
He began R talk. He feels he is 'just in limbo' (had to internally chuckle to myself at him using our DB phrase) and can't seem to jump one way or the other. (Gee, tell me something I don't already know!). I asked why he thinks that is. He said that half of him thinks that if he'd wanted to come back he would have come back by now. I validated that and said that the same could be said for the reverse - ie: if he'd wanted to divorce he would have done that by now too. He said he could see what I was saying. Then he started to get very, very angry. Shouting, swearing, blaming everything on me - all over again. He left because I'm a b@%@% and I'm still being a b:%:^ now apparently. Personally I wouldn't have thought a b@:@: would have put up with this for so long, wouldn't have made countless meals and made him welcome despite him walking out and would have been doing all manner of unkind things, not being happy and smiley, but maybe that's just me having a warped opinion!?!?! It doesn't matter about all the EA/PA stuff apparently, no, I should have got over that years ago and wasn't the cause of me being a b:@%& according to him. In the end I just let him spew at me because it was pointless trying to get a sensible word in. He brought up the argument with my Mum from the other week. He is still insanely angry about that too. And, yep, you've guessed it, blames me for that too, despite me being out when it happened and having had nothing to do with the arrangement that caused the argument! He says he doesn't think he should come back because he gets very niggly with me all the time. Again I tried to point out (futile, I know) that it is not just me he gets niggly with and that the issue is inside him. No. That's wrong. It's me. Eventually he left saying he doesn't want to argue and he'll contact me in the morning. I agreed that I don't want to argue either, I just want to know what is happening in my life because I don't want to wave my kids off every other weekend in tears. He said, "I know." and left.
I cried when he left and then thought how incredibly broken he is. He cannot control himself, his anger, his emotions or his thoughts. He repeatedly sat with his head in his hands like a person on the edge of insanity or something. He cannot handle any stress or pressure about this situation at all. And refuses to see that he needs help. I am left feeling how terribly sad it is. This will never be fixed until he wakes up and sees himself for what he truly is. Which means more limbo for me and my beautiful kids. 7 months of this farce. Everyone around me thinks I'm insane and I'm beginning to wonder myself. He also said again that the argument with my Mum has put paid to us reconciling. I am in disbelief that someone would let one event alter the direction of the entire lives of themselves and their children.
I have no idea what my next steps should be. I've gone dark, I've LRTd and I've 180d. What else can I do?
Right now, he is 2 separate people. When he goes into monster phase, you can't reason with him. He's not your husband. They make you the enemy.
I am so sorry you are going through this. Next time he tries to begin the R talk, I would listen to him and say, "Hmmm, interesting." "I've never thought of it that way." "That's something to think about." "You're right. I should (fill in the blank)". Don't feed the monster. You can never win against them.
I agree with Roxi I've made the mistake and tried to reason with my STBXW when she went monster.
Only makes it worse..you end up arguing to validate your point.. he says crazy things and rewrites history and finishes by saying ... "you see, we should break up, it will never work."
Originally Posted By: inpain
I have no idea what my next steps should be. I've gone dark, I've LRTd and I've 180d. What else can I do?
just don't do the same things that didn't work. Eventually you will find something that pleases him or works. It won't wake him up but at least you can have a bit of normalcy.
One thing I haven't seen is the boundaries on just dropping by when he feels like it. Set up that schedule. If his schedule doesn't fit yours find some middle ground.
We both have been through this before and it should be a piece of cake right. I wish.
You feeling that your H is ill, can't control himself is good. It will give you some peace that it is not your fault. All you can do is let him go. Get on with your life as if he is not coming back. If he wants back in he'll let you know. Just hope he's fully cooked.
hugs IP , glad you still come here to share.
Irish
M51 XW43 (38 at bd) BD1 MAY 30 2015 BD2 JUNE 25 2015 by text moved out Aug 2 2015 left both Daughters 13 and 15 (now 18-20) Her divorce Final July 26 2016 Last time she saw her kids Aug 2 2015
Right now, he is 2 separate people. When he goes into monster phase, you can't reason with him. He's not your husband. They make you the enemy.
I am so sorry you are going through this. Next time he tries to begin the R talk, I would listen to him and say, "Hmmm, interesting." "I've never thought of it that way." "That's something to think about." "You're right. I should (fill in the blank)". Don't feed the monster. You can never win against them.
Oh my goodness Roxi! Thank you so much for the link. This is exactly what he does to a T!!! I like your suggestions of what to say next time. They seem like they would take the wind right out of his sails!
