I used to pull up to my ex's driveway and see OW's car in it when I dropped of my D. My heart would race, my blood would boil..... It was the worst reaction. On mY D's 2nd bday, it was his turn and I got up after working a nightshift, decided to do to a store to buy a bunch of balloons for her and I happened to walk past Chuck E. Cheese, to see my D, the ex, OW and some other people sitting in there. I watched from the outside of a window as my daughter's birthday was being celebrated with that homewrecker. I was the one who gave birth 2 years prior and this made me go beserk.
Moral of the story. It doesn't happen anymore. I am numb to it. It really is a truth, time does heal. Or put some lidocaine on it:) I sit next to them at D's events. I ay hi when they pull up to pick her up.
Does it mean I condone what she did? Nope. I just got numb to everything so I can act in my D's best interest.
And no, your life is not permanently crippled. Permanaently changed, perhaps, but not crippled.
When people decide to divorce, most assume they will go through a rough transitional period, but soon the pain will end, and the impact of divorce will be over.
But here's the truth about divorce.
Divorce is forever.
What do I mean by this? Divorce isn't an event that happens and then it's over. The effects of divorce can be felt for years to come.
Let me give you an example in my own life.
I grew up in a very loving, close-knit family. My parents and their relatives were immigrants and as a result, everyone stuck close together. We spent every weekend, holiday, and even summer vacations with extended family.
Family meant everything to me.
But then it all changed.
After 23 years of marriage, my mother decided she was unhappy with my father and ended their marriage.
My relatives were shocked. They took sides. They withdrew. Our extended family was never the same.
But the changes to the relationships with my aunts, uncles, and grandparents paled in comparison to how my nuclear family was altered.
It completely fell apart.
My mother had been the hub of the family wheel; she hosted weekend dinners, holidays and birthdays at our home.
When she divorced my father, she also resigned from the "social coordinator" position and no one else stepped up to the plate to take over.
My younger brother moved from our family home in New York to California. I moved to the Midwest. My older brother and father stayed in New York. We scattered across the country.
But here's the really heartbreaking part. My brothers never really forgave my mother for her decision to divorce.
There were decades of deadening silences between them.
Although my mother tried to break through their emotional walls and reconnect over the years- she called, she wrote letters, she sent grandchildren presents- to no avail; my brothers stonewalled her.
As a mother myself, I can hardly imagine the pain she must have felt after sending heartfelt letters in the mail, only to have them returned to her.... unopened.
Although my younger brother did eventually make peace with my mother, my older brother did not.
Nor will he ever be able to make amends.
My mother died suddenly and tragically in a car accident eight years ago.
But that's not all.
Rather than having amazing, wonderful memories about events such as the births of our children, birthdays, holidays, weddings and so on, I have only bittersweet recollections.
We were always worried about who, or who not, to invite, whether we were going to be hurting someone's feelings by leaving them out, where to seat people at the wedding tables so they wouldn't be uncomfortable. You get the drift.
What should have been pure, unadulterated exultation during these incredible life passages ended up being palpable, ever-present feelings of angst.
How did this happen?
Divorce is how it happened.
Although some families do divorce much better than my family did, the fact remains that when two people end their marriage, if they have kids, they also are ending their family unit.
Even under the best of circumstances, things are never quite the same.
If you're reading this, I suspect I'm preaching to the choir.
You understand the fallout of divorce.
You've been fighting to make your marriage work. Be proud of yourself for your commitment to restoring the love in your relationship.
In the end, you can only do what you can do. Eventually, your spouse needs to get on board with your marriage-saving plan. You just have to make sure you've left no stone unturned.
I stand by 'crippled'. That doesn't mean that I can't be appreciative of what I have, or find joy in my life. But saying my life is 'different' implies an exchange of lifestyles. 'Crippled' is absolutely accurate and signifies the loss incurred.
I'm not looking for sympathy. I'm not alone. Indeed, this is the way of things these days. I'm just not going to be part of a culture that minimizes the destruction divorce causes.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
I really want to challenge you here in breaking through your own self-imposed exile from love.
I have been following your thread and seeing wonderful contributions from incredible posters sharing their thoughts, insights and experiences. The one thing that really saddens me is seeing you using the "divorce is murder" and "I'm crippled" mindset as a cloak to keep potentially worthy women at bay all because of your deep-seated fear of being hurt again. Let me tell you a story that will, hopefully, awaken you to what may lie ahead of you if you continue with this defiant stance of self-protection. It will come at a great cost to you.
Take my birth mother and stepmother and their respective journeys post-divorce.
My birth mother and my father divorced when I was very young. Both went on to re-marry other spouses. Dad to my stepmother and mom to her husband. This is where the road splinters off into different directions for the two women.
My father and stepmother had a very acronimous divorce in which my father banned her and her family from having any contact with me. Keep in mind that I was only a child at that time....aged 11. Talk about feeling powerless and voiceless at that stage of my life! (It isn't any wonder that I had MLC later on in adulthood...I digress) Several years went on and they furgitively reconciled without any of their families knowing about it due the dreadful divorce. They tried their best to hold it together for a few more years and they split for good.
My father was my stepmother's one and only true love. Over the years, she slowly withdrew from life and was eventually let go from her job. Nowadays she is shuddered inside her own house and will not go out to events/gatherings. She simply was very afraid to open her heart to anyone. Her health isn't good these days and never allowed a man in her life ever again. In short, she's closed herself off from the world because of her deep-seated fear of getting hurt. Incredibly sad and heartbreaking to witness.
My mom? She's remarried to her current husband of 33 years now. What she did was keeping her heart open to possibilities. Then she met him at a restaurant and hasn't looked back from that fateful day. She's very active in her community, visits her grandchildren, writes stories, and remodels homes. Super duper active while my stepmother sleeps a most days this frittering away her life.
The moral of this story is how one responds to life's events is what determines your future AND happiness.
And there's a postscript to this as well.
Years ago before my father died, he came home one day from the local bookstore and related this story where he was in an aisle browsing books in which he overheard a group of women talking. Dad turned to face me in the family room afterward, in his best "can you believe this" voice, "they were going on and on about their divorce EVEN after 20 years! Incredible." He then walked away shaking his head.
Now tell me why you insist in continuing to hold on to the false pride of being "crippled." How is that serving you and your children?!
Oh and by the way Mom's husband was a divorced father as well.
Try not to judge other people too harshly for we all are perfect imperfect human beings doing our best in our personal journey called Life.
You are not going to believe this, Zeus, but I was just like you, in the first 2 or so years. I felt as if My life wasn't permanently crippled by the divorce, then that mean divorce and affairs are acceptable and not the most awful thing in the world! So my life simply had to be crippled else it would minimize the severity of what they did.
But boy was that exhausting! And my life wasn't crippled! I have scars, I have suffered some, but I was not going to give divorce the power to cripple my life. Nor was I going to do it because I was afraid if I came out okay, or perhaps even better, it would minimize the impact of divorce.
I decided I didn't want to end up like wonka's stepmom . Nor did I want to end up like my mom, dead. My mother was mentally ill woman. But when my dad left, she went off the deep end and killed herself a few years later. It did cripple her because she was not equipped to handle it.
W, thank you for your post. I will reread your post and sit with it, however I do also just need to voice my reaction before I can continue to reflect on your point of view further.
Quote:
My father was my stepmother's one and only true love. Over the years, she slowly withdrew from life and was eventually let go from her job. Nowadays she is shuddered inside her own house and will not go out to events/gatherings. She simply was very afraid to open her heart to anyone. Her health isn't good these days and never allowed a man in her life ever again. In short, she's closed herself off from the world because of her deep-seated fear of getting hurt. Incredibly sad and heartbreaking to witness.
You say "Try not to judge other people too harshly for we all are perfect imperfect human beings doing our best in our personal journey called Life." Yet you judge your stepmother's path as 'sad and heartbreaking', a disappointment, a loss, a failure to share the human experience, and a path that should be warned against.
Is it not possible that she simply realized she wasn't likely to find the relationship she wanted in her life, and would prefer not to settle for something as disposable as modern day partnerships? That she would prefer to have a memory of a marriage that was her committed God given vow, and not cheapen it by filling the hole with a series of liaisons? Is it not possible that she innately understood the pain that it would cause her to go through a loss like that again, and that the likelihood and depth of that pain exceeded in her heart the journey of walking her own path?
If we want to talk about anecdotes, could we not also talk about the people that go through multiple divorces and die alone as well? And those that remain in a miserable marriage that they dream of being free of?
There is pain, disappointment, and suffering in everyone's life. We don't get to pick a path that avoids it. We simply pick the type of suffering that we're best suited for.
There is a chance I'll go down the path your stepmother did. There is a chance I'll feel differently in a few years. I don't know. But I'm not too worried about it, because I will always be doing my best in my own path called life as you say.
Quote:
Now tell me why you insist in continuing to hold on to the false pride of being "crippled." How is that serving you and your children?!
Wonka, I simply refuse to minimize the impact that divorce has. I'm not going to pretend that you simply grieve for a while then adjust and everything will be ok again. MWD said the same thing which is why I copied the quote.
How this serves my children is that they will have at least one parent that models the beliefs and values that D is not an option. They will ultimately choose their own road, and their mom and the rest of our culture can send contrary messages. But I have one vote to case, one opportunity to express my influence, and I will vote how I believe. If my kids stick out a marriage that they were near walking from had I been less passionate, if my experience can save them from the profound loss I've incurred, then I will be delighted. If it doesn't, at least I won't have blood on my hands as I will know I did what was in my power.
Since I wrote this I have reread your post and my reply. It seems very right to me. I am not trying to be contrary. I simply see things a bit differently. I can accept that I am in the minority, but I've been a little different all of my life, I guess I can get used to it...:)
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
You are not going to believe this, Zeus, but I was just like you, in the first 2 or so years. I felt as if My life wasn't permanently crippled by the divorce, then that mean divorce and affairs are acceptable and not the most awful thing in the world! So my life simply had to be crippled else it would minimize the severity of what they did.
But boy was that exhausting! And my life wasn't crippled! I have scars, I have suffered some, but I was not going to give divorce the power to cripple my life. Nor was I going to do it because I was afraid if I came out okay, or perhaps even better, it would minimize the impact of divorce.
I decided I didn't want to end up like wonka's stepmom . Nor did I want to end up like my mom, dead. My mother was mentally ill woman. But when my dad left, she went off the deep end and killed herself a few years later. It did cripple her because she was not equipped to handle it.
The loss only cripples you if you let it.
I can see that you understand how I feel, and I appreciate that.
I can accept the possibility that this is a stage I have to grow through, or fail to grow through. What changed your point of view?
I get that you are in a different spot now. But did you do anything to get there, or did it happen little by little on it's own? I'd imagine it was time passing, letting things go at your own pace as you realized they didn't help you, etc.
Also, I really liked your post about letting go of compulsive personal growth. That really resonated with me. And if I recall correctly, you might have also posted about being a little slow to look for another R right now. That is where I am at as well. What am I missing that needs to happen right now? I just feel like everything is fine, never been better, and I have nothing but time to keep on my path.
Sometimes I wonder why I continue to post on my own thread, of course doing so will generate differing views and opinions which I'll admit I may not always let get past my rigid viewpoints. I keep coming back to the fact that people keep debating these points, and bumping my thread for updates. And it is nice to talk about what's on my mind here. I appreciate you caring, so as long as no one is offended by my disagreements I'm happy to continue to discuss, and it could certainly be helping me down the path I'm on. So thank you all for your patience and feedback!
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Now tell me why you insist in continuing to hold on to the false pride of being "crippled." How is that serving you and your children?!
How this serves my children is that they will have at least one parent that models the beliefs and values that D is not an option. They will ultimately choose their own road, and their mom and the rest of our culture can send contrary messages. But I have one vote to case, one opportunity to express my influence, and I will vote how I believe. If my kids stick out a marriage that they were near walking from had I been less passionate, if my experience can save them from the profound loss I've incurred, then I will be delighted. If it doesn't, at least I won't have blood on my hands as I will know I did what was in my power.
Zues, my kids know I didn't want my D. They know I would have done anything to avoid it. But they also know that their mom has made the best of a bad situation, held herself with grace and dignity, reinvented herself, and (hopefully someday) found love again. I can't imagine any of that happening while carrying around the giant burden you are carrying around.
What if, despite your best efforts, your children's spouses leave them. It happens, you know. And they have no role model for what to do next. They have a lonely, bitter dad role model instead. Food for thought?
I did do work to get there, and some of it happened naturally, with passing time. Something evolved in me where holding onto "proving" what happened to my daughter and I was so wrong made me depressed. Made me feel like I was missing out on the good or real love because I needed the world and everyone around me know divorce is wrong and devastating and ruins lives. In the end, I was only hurting me and my daughter.
Because what sunny said. Did I want my daughter to see me give up on love and relationships because her father chose to go outside of the marriage? Did I want her seeing me give up on love for the rest of my life because her dad messed up?
You are evolving, with time, it's quite apparent. But honestly, the one thing that holds you back is your fear ( yes, it's a fear) of becoming one of the society who condones divorce because if you decide to have another relationship and not be crippled by it.
i don't think you are missing anything. I think there are just things you need to let go of that are weighing you down that you might not even realize. People aren't simply de aging your rigid viewpoints. They can just see them weighing you down so hard.
Oh, and I wish you could see all my old threads. My viewpoints were so freakin rigid. Some hardcore people kept debating me and debating me.
And I'm glad they did, because it eventually clicked when I stopped trying so hard to fight them because I felt as if I agreed it would be betraying my own values.
