FRODO: I can’t do this, Sam. SAM: I know. It’s all wrong. By rights we shouldn’t even be here. But we are. It’s like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger they were. And sometimes you didn’t want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy. How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened. But in the end, it’s only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something. Even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back only they didn’t. Because they were holding on to something. FRODO: What are we holding on to, Sam? SAM: That there’s some good in this world, Mr. Frodo. And it’s worth fighting for.
Thursday will mark two years since BD. I've fought a lot of fights, and now it's starting to show.
Last Friday marks the beginning of my 50% parental time. I picked my kids up Friday at noon, and they are still with me until Wednesday at noon. This is the longest period of time I've had with them since BD. And it's not a vacation. It's not a visitation. It is my LIFE. Boom. It's hard for anything else to even touch me right now.
My mom is staying with me during the summer. It is awesome. So awesome. First of all, selfishly, it makes my life SO much easier. She is cooking dinners, doing dishes, entertaining kids while I am at work. I forgot how much easier things are when you have a little help. But more than that, it is such a cool little family unit. My kids are closer than ever with their grandmother, who is my mom. I get to relive my childhood in a way by having her around to help take care of things, yet I get to relate to her as an adult and get to know her better than I ever did before as a person. And the whole time I am doing awesome things with my family.
We have played charades the last couple of nights and it has been quite a riot. I had them do a 'Tolkien Showdown' where I played jeopardy music and quizzed them on the first half of the series before I read on. Now we're back to Frodo and Sam, just got through the Dead Marshes. We go for little walks together, but I can also hang out more 1:1 with my mom around. And there is time to just chill, do our own things, and not sweat it. This is just our life now.
Really, things have never been better.
Oh, I sometimes worry about whether I'm doing it right. At first I kind of defaulted to letting my mom take charge a little, deferring to her choice of meals, or her plans (although this hasn't quite happened, she's been fitting in to my life with the kids, not overtaking it). I started to think DBish thoughts about whether I was modelling some male subservience to women in the house, or something like that.
But then I just let it all go. The fact is that I've really never been happier. I have my kids. My mom is here to hang out with. And when the kids go home my mom stays with her friend in town so I have some alone time as well, and time to go get my pool on or whatever. I feel what Ginger said about just letting it go and enjoying where you are, that's where I'm at.
The pain of BD has never been closer to gone, either. I think having my mom here shifted some things. Adult conversation, companionship, help with the kids. Pretty much the only echoes of things that made me wistful that I didn't have a partner (not XW, just the logistical challenges of being single) have been tempered. And when I am reminded of XW and her BF, I just shrug. Maybe she's not doing as well as me, I know she has expressed sadness about losing time with the kids repeatedly to me over the last few weeks (cry me a river...she initiates a divorce, separates me from my kids for two years, and now it's going to EVEN custody and SHE'S the victim??? Pass!). I know she hasn't put in the work I have. But maybe things are the best they've been in her world too. I mean, or marriage was awful. But the point is, I don't care. Her world has never been further away, I have never been more detached. If anything I think she's missing out, but that doesn't quite fit or matter, it's about as silly as saying my bus driver is missing out for not being a bigger part of my life. This is just my life, and XW doesn't belong in it any more than any other random person.
Good things are in my future God willing, with a bigger place in the future, and I expect improvements at work (I made a bit of a breakthrough a week ago). But while I will appreciate those things when they come, and I am working towards them, I don't feel any sense of need. I have never been so content in my life. It's like having a big delicious meal, and then planning your dinner menu for the rest of the week. I know I'll be hungry again and I'll have more meals in the future, but right now I have had everything I need.
So for today everything is perfect. Don't worry newcomers...two years is a lot of horse crap to shovel...but it gets easier if you do the work. Things got very manageable after the first 6 months, and it's gotten steadily easier since then. But I've always known there was a deeper level of calm and healing I'd get to someday. Seems like month 24 was when the magic happened. I wonder if it's time related, or kid related. Not sure. I'll take it though.
OK, enough rambling guys. Going to get some sleep and see what tomorrow brings. Hope you each have some moments of peace as well, and talk soon.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Your last 2 posts have really made me smile. I think your mom being there is just as therapeutic for her as it is for you and the kids. It is a wonderful wonderful thing. Man, I dream of coming home to a home cooked meal! Let her take over a little, it's good for her, and good for you to relinquish some control.
I have been spending lots of time with friends who are like family. My daughter sleeps at their house like twice a week now! I had a BBQ on Sunday and it was just awesome watching kids from 3 families of all ages have so much fun at my house, running around outside playing hide and seek and tag and old-fashioned games like that and see them generally happy. They all like their electronic devices but they didn't touch one while they are over. That is what makes me happy. I am jus sitting back and enjoying it, trying not to worry about anything else.
Sounds like you are going to have one great summer!
