Not sure where to go from here

[Irish M]

For the time being our H are gone,the pain will gradually heal but you need to put some distance between you and your H, otherwise you won't heal.

I know my situation is different now because I have my own place, but I can tell you that limited contact with H is helping me to heal faster.

Hi IP
There is wisdom in Roukys message. Time apart is the best tool to heal. You need you strength for you kids.
Like Rouky said " what have you got to lose, your H has left you"

In my sitch, not seeing my STBXW at all has helped me get over her. Move on.
I don't like the person she is anyway, why would I associate with someone that has no concern of the wellbeing of her own children.

If one day W appears. She will have the work to do to win us back, if at all possible

Hugs to you IP

Irish

[Rouky]

Hi IP, how are you doing?

[Rouky]

Hi Inpain, how are you getting on?

[Irish M]

Hi IP
Hope you had a good 4th of July

Thinking of you

Hugs
Irish

[inpain]

Hi Irish, Rouky and ATPeace

Thank you all for checking on me and sorry it has been so long. The first week of my absence I was unwell and crashing out in bed as soooun as my children were in bed and since then I have been flat out at work and just plain exhausted!

Rouky, thank you for your post detailing how you dealt with your H. As you said, our situations were incredibly similar. Two weeks ago now I again told my H that I didn't want to continue in this limbo situation any more and that it was time that he had the courage of his convictions by putting a fixed access schedule into place. He looked aghast and asked if I wanted an answer right now. Right now!?!?! It had been 7 1/2 months since he left at that point. I told him I hardly thought it could be classed as me rushing him.

Things have improved slightly since then because he is on a course through work which involves him being out of town from Sunday evening until the following Friday evening. This has been for the last two weeks and will continue for another three. I have to admit I have felt my tension slip away now that I know he will not be visiting every day.

It also seems to have an interesting affect on H. He has been texting me like crazy! Every night wishing me a good night's sleep, every morning asking how I slept and updates every evening about his day and asking about mine. The first weekend he came home he said he'd missed me. He seemed shocked that I didn't swoon at this comment. It is a baby step I suppose but we've been here once before a couple of months ago when he decided to invite me out for dinner. I am so used to day to day life without him now that I'm not sure how piecing would even look! The strange thing is (or perhaps not for a MLCer) he didn't ask about the children that first week at all. Didn't ring them once! That made me very sad. If I had to go away for even one night I would be ringing them to say goodnight. He has managed to ring them once this week though. He insisted we all went out for tea last weekend when he came home. We did go but he managed to spoil it before we even set off by having a tantrum about me not being home from errands I had to run at the time he'd decided he wanted to set off. Totally irrational because he had told me to just let him know when I got home. No time had been set. This kind of thing worries me about how would even cope with being back in the family and all the day to day stresses bringing up children brings.

My diet isn't going to well. I managed to lose 2lb the first week but felt sorry for myself while I was ill and put a 1lb back on. Trying extra hard to be good this week.

OK, enough from me for now. I'm going to check out your threads!

[Irish M]

Hi IP
So glad you updated your sitch.

Him missing you is great. Goes to show you that when he sees you nearly every day he doesn't have a chance to miss you.
I don't think it means he'll snap back but at least he has something buzzing around in his head.

As for him not ringing the kids. It is sad but also expected. Kids are responsibilities. Kids also look at a parent and it clearly shows on their faces what they think. MLC wants none of that. If you'd discuss a bill or invoice to be paid he'd probably run and hide.

Enjoy your time to detach.

You seem to be doing feel and grasping the idea of what is expected from your H.
Answer: nothing

Hugs to you IP x

Irish

[Rouky]

I so fully agree with Irish. Expect nothing from H. From an outsider it looks like what your H needed ( not everyday contact) to start to make him think about what he is about to potentially lose.

Keep stirring the boat as you do, and I believe things will fall into place for you. Hope you are getting back health wise.

Take care IP xxx

[ATPeace]

Hi inpain

I hope you are keeping well what Rouky says is hard to understand I REALLY struggle with this even I know I struggle with,this it does not help and I am finding it impossible to let go.

I too am in the limbo stage I am just scared to get myself out of it. I believe that if I see my W less then she will detach further from me and the next things will be that she will push harder for Seperate houses or Divorce I helpant neither

I like you do not want this but we have no control over this I feel that she has all the control and she will say that she feels I control this as she says she feels trapped and that I am still controlling what she does.

So I struggle with the thoughts of not seeing my children every day and or when ever I want to see them. I also struggle with the feeling or my W detaching from me the loanlyness and the thoughts that I will not only loose my W I will lose my family and my current life .....letting go is hard.

My self esteem has been totally shattered I realise I have very few friends and the ones that I do have are getting sick of hearing my sorrow

I have to keep working on me changing what I can change so when I look in the mirror I like the person I see

We are all in this together I feel your pain

Take care
Hugs
Ghost x

[inpain]

Hi Irish, Rouky and ATPeace, thank you for your posts, I appreciate every one of them and love to hear your thoughts about my situation.

Irish, you are right, I am realising I can expect nothing from H - especially with relation to the kids, but it still makes me very sad that he is not the Dad he should be.

I think you and Rouky are also right about the almost daily contact we've had since H left hindering the situation. There was a fairly substantial shift in my situation this past weekend...

As I said in my previous post, H is away all week at the moment through work. This weekend the kids and I already had plans for Friday and Saturday evenings. Consequently, we only saw H for a couple of hours on Saturday afternoon (yes, him coming in and sitting in the chair acting like he still lives here).

Then, on Sunday he came round wanting to do his washing but I was just about to put a load in myself so he had to wait. I busied myself with housework and he came to find me and suggested we all go on a walk at a local beauty spot. I was reluctant to go and suggested he just take the kids but they were already begging me to come along, so I did. It was just like H and the kids on an access visit and me tagging along like I didn't belong. I felt very uncomfortable. When we got home the kids played out in the garden and H was acting as though we were still happily married, helping with housework, making drinks and trying to look after me as I'm still not 100% back to full health.

I asked him if he had anything to say because he was acting so strangely. Then came the bombshell...he would like to try and work things out and thinks we should go on holiday and take it from there. I was gobsmacked. I calmly asked why he wants to work things out. He said that after all this time he still cares about me, hates to see me upset and that when we go out with the kids he loves it and we are a 'lovely little family and that's worth saving.' Nearly spat my own teeth out at that! It was like he took my own words from my begging and pleading and reasoning phase back when he first left and repeated it all to me as his own thoughts!!!! How crazy is that!?!?!

Since then he has been texting every morning and night, wishing me goodnight etc and has been putting 'x' on the end of his texts. There have been strictly no 'x's on his texts since the minute he left. He has even tentatively checked if it is OK to be putting 'x' on the texts! He seems very concerned if I don't reply: always checking if he has upset me or I'm just busy.

I don't know how I feel and I don't know where to go now with this!!! Part of me wonders if he is saying it all just to cherry pick a holiday altogether with the kids. He has stated himself that he couldn't just move back in and I totally agree that he couldn't. I don't even know what getting back together would look like. I have been so damaged by his treatment of me and the kids over the last 8 months and so has our eldest child. How do you love someone who has done all that to you? I'm rapidly reading DR again for some kind of suggestion about handling this unexpected turn of events. I feel like deep down inside I had got used to the idea that we would never be together again. I feel very confused. Help and advice needed and appreciated, as always!

[rich4j]

I asked him if he had anything to say because he was acting so strangely. Then came the bombshell...he would like to try and work things out and thinks we should go on holiday and take it from there. I was gobsmacked. I calmly asked why he wants to work things out. He said that after all this time he still cares about me, hates to see me upset and that when we go out with the kids he loves it and we are a 'lovely little family and that's worth saving.' Nearly spat my own teeth out at that! It was like he took my own words from my begging and pleading and reasoning phase back when he first left and repeated it all to me as his own thoughts!!!! How crazy is that!?!?!

WOW!!! What a surprise...did you fall over?

I love hearing great news like this but.....be super careful. Is that what you want and want him back "as is"? Lots of healing to do and I would also think that you have to have some conditions for this return. While the return for the "family" is noble and what we all probably begged and pleaded when we shouldn't have a while ago, he has to be coming back for you. And for you both to have the connection you need to heal and get back to a great place. I know I could not go back with my STBX if she said those words without alot of discussion around major issues and how we would heal and move ourselves to a place of understanding the wounds, why they happened and what we needed from each other Hoping you can get there!