I agree with Roxi I've made the mistake and tried to reason with my STBXW when she went monster.
Only makes it worse..you end up arguing to validate your point.. he says crazy things and rewrites history and finishes by saying ... "you see, we should break up, it will never work."
Hi Irish, thanks for your post as always. You are so right with this ^^! That is exactly what he says at the end of it! I find it rather scary how they all follow the same script!
Originally Posted By: IrishM
just don't do the same things that didn't work. Eventually you will find something that pleases him or works. It won't wake him up but at least you can have a bit of normalcy.
One thing I haven't seen is the boundaries on just dropping by when he feels like it. Set up that schedule. If his schedule doesn't fit yours find some middle ground.
I know, your right, that isn't something you've seen. One reason is I'm too afraid to set them because it means time away from my kids for me, and the other reason is that I just have no idea how to go about setting them with him when he is so unreasonable as soon as I open my mouth! As for not doing what didn't work, I feel like there isn't anything that worked other than pretending I was happy with the situation and I don't feel like I physically have it in me to be so false any more. Feel like I'm the worst DBer ever right now. It has been seven months and the best I can say is I don't cry every day now. That being said, I cried almost all weekend this weekend. S and I did a great GAL activity most of Saturday daytime and raised some money for a local charity, but the rest of the time I sat and sobbed uncontrollably a lot.
Originally Posted By: IrishM
You feeling that your H is ill, can't control himself is good. It will give you some peace that it is not your fault. All you can do is let him go. Get on with your life as if he is not coming back. If he wants back in he'll let you know. Just hope he's fully cooked.
I vacillate a lot on this between it is all my fault to not all my fault. I am totally drained from it all and don't feel that I can get on with my life as if he is not coming back because he is here so often and just sits in the armchair as if he still lives here. I know I need to do something about that, and soon, because it is driving me crazy.
Thanks for your continued support Irish, I truly appreciate it.
Still not doing very well. I'm in tears again and have been every night this week as well as most of last weekend. Missing H terribly no matter how busy I am.
Wondering how to handle Father's Day? The kids chose cards for Dad and Grandad (FIL) last weekend and I have made sure they have gifts to give them both but not sure how to handle it other than that. Should we go round and take the gifts? Should I wait for H to come here for them to give him them? Should I be doing even more than that? If he still lived here I'd be helping the kids fix him breakfast in bed etc and then cooking a special meal later in the day after visiting my own Dad but obviously that's not going to happen now he no longer lives here. H came round and cooked special meal for me on Mother's Day but that was in his "Thinking of trying to reconcile" phase and he has retreated way back into his "I want a D shell" at this point.
Tired of having to second guess everything I do and tired of being so upset all the time.
Not sure what to say to your post. I don't want to tell you what I'd do. I know you are hurting and you must and will get through this. It's not easy, I know.
Mother's Day I missed my W so very much. I decided she wasn't acting like mom so I made no effort for her. My girls did what they wanted to do , which turned out to be nothing as well.
Keep strong. Your H is still very much a lost soul.
Hugs Irish
M51 XW43 (38 at bd) BD1 MAY 30 2015 BD2 JUNE 25 2015 by text moved out Aug 2 2015 left both Daughters 13 and 15 (now 18-20) Her divorce Final July 26 2016 Last time she saw her kids Aug 2 2015
Thank you for your continued support, I appreciate it so much. I can imagine Mother's Day was incredibly difficult and can understand completely why you made no effort. I feel similar to be honest. Granted, my H is still visiting our kids but they can only be described as token gestures at best, as you know.
It spoke volumes last weekend when I was getting them to choose Father's Day cards for him. S didn't want to chose one at all because, "He's being horrible so why would I want to give him a card saying he's the best Dad?" I could totally see his point, of course, but swallowed what I thought. D wanted to chose a lovey card with a verse about being the most amazing Dad etc and S didn't, so they ended up choosing separate cards. S spent a long time looking for one that didn't have any loving words in it, just "To Dad on Father's Day." It makes me so sad to see the effects on my children that this is having and how they feel about the man they should adore and look up to. Even sadder is the fact that H seems oblivious to what S thinks and feels.
IP When you decide what to do ,you will know. We here give you support. Some give you advice. You still have to decide what's best for you and your kids.
We all live similar issues with our spouses. But only you are dealing with your H. Like i'm dealing with my STBXW. We are not in your house sitting next to him as he sits in his chair.
Even your close friends and family don't really understand that your H is in a personal crisis. They can easily say dump the guy and move on but until they live a day in your shoes, their advice is meaningless.
No Rush IP. Just think of you. I know that sounds narcicistic but it's important. You can't help your H.
Big Hugs to you Irish
M51 XW43 (38 at bd) BD1 MAY 30 2015 BD2 JUNE 25 2015 by text moved out Aug 2 2015 left both Daughters 13 and 15 (now 18-20) Her divorce Final July 26 2016 Last time she saw her kids Aug 2 2015
Even your close friends and family don't really understand that your H is in a personal crisis. They can easily say dump the guy and move on but until they live a day in your shoes, their advice is meaningless.
You're right there Irish! None of my friends and family think I should be holding on, or think that H is in a crisis or ill - they just think he's an *$%*%!
In the end I did nothing about Father's Day other than what I'd already done - made sure the kids had cards and gifts to give H and FIL.
H's MLC/depression/whatever we want to call it state was in over drive this last weekend! One minute he was lovely Mr Nice Guy, the next he was furious over nothing and walking out flinging rude gestures at me (Saturday). Sunday (Father's Day here in UK) he was back to Mr Nice Guy messaging to find out what my plans were for the day. I replied that I'd obviously be going to see my Dad but then nothing after that. He decided he'd come round when we got home so it was almost tea time when he arrived. The kids gave him their cards and gift and he stayed through story time. Once they were in bed he thanked me for the gift and said he hadn't expected anything (what does he take me for?) and was equally shocked that I'd also got a gift for FIL from the kids (interesting side note: HE didn't get a card and gift for his Dad from the kids himself!).
Before he left he looked me straight in the eye and said that he knew I needed a definitive answer and that he is a pain and he is working on an answer. I jokingly asked if he was searching for an answer to world peace or our M - he laughed.
Monday FIL walked in to say thank you to the kids for the card and gift (we haven't seen him in person since Father's Day last year and he hasn't communicated with me at all about H leaving!). He only stayed a few minutes.
The last few days H seems to be back to Mr Nice Guy and actually going over board on pussy footing around me and being helpful. Feel very wary as we've been here before during March/April and then nothing but tumbleweeds.
Personally I'm just drained. Tired of feeling tired from the exhaustion of working full time and being a single Mum. D has a lifelong medical condition which means I only ever get 6 hours sleep a night and it is just not enough for me. I am literally dragging myself out of bed each day.
On the plus side, I've had a lot of praise from my boss at work this week and will be getting a little more pay next year for things that I currently do above and beyond for no extra pay - so that's nice!
Upon discovering at the weekend that I could no longer fasten my jeans I weighed myself and discovered I have put on 9lb since Christmas! I have started a diet on Monday and so far I've managed to stick to it - really don't want to let myself slide in this area. I'm a terrible comfort eater so not really any surprise that I've put on weight.
Hi IP, I'm so sorry for not checking on you earlier. Reading your posts reminds me of my situation. You are doing an incredible job and being a single mother isn't easy. You are amazing and stronger than you think.
It's obvious that your brain (like mine few months ago), plays with your emotions. I'm so sorry for that. Our situation were similar ( I use were because now I have my own place, it has changed) due to the fact that H still comes and stays in marital home, then leave.
I can only talk about my experience and how I feel. Like you I was crying a lot, over analysing things and this would drive me bunkers! We never wanted our kids to be put in this situation, nevertheless we have to make dos about it. How often is your H coming round? If it's everyday, would you consider to change it to every other day? I'm telling you this because seeing H so often is what kept my heart bleeding as I was thinking if he comes round is that he still feels something for me! I'm afraid not, he was doing it not to look bad with kids, and he could look good with OW!
After a year I started slowly to rediscover myself because I didn't have as much contact as I used to with H. The day he was coming into marital home I'd be a wreck, but the days he wasn't coming I wasn't crying and started to feel good about myself!
TBH not being in marital home is such a relief! I wasn't even sad when I took my keys to estate agent last week! I don't see H as much now and I'm good. There are the few odds day were I'm like: why this happened to me?.
I can't tell you what to do with your H, so I'm just sharing what worked for me. You need to look after yourself first and if seeing H so regularly is rubbing salt in your wound, you need to attend to it. I know you are going to tell me that if you reduce contact with H, R will never happen.
Please look at your situation, what worse could happen? Our H left us, they seem to get on with their life and not showing any pain. Whereas we are the one broken, crying and in pain. YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN THAT! You deserve to see your wound healing and to have a beautiful smile on your beautiful face!
For the time being our H are gone,the pain will gradually heal but you need to put some distance between you and your H, otherwise you won't heal.
I know my situation is different now because I have my own place, but I can tell you that limited contact with H is helping me to heal faster.
Please look after yourself, sending you loads of hugs xx
Ciluzen! Strangely, my Mum has suggested the same thing lol!
I weighed myself and discovered I have put on 9lb since Christmas! I have started a diet on Monday and so far I've managed to stick to it - really don't want to let myself slide in this area. I'm a terrible comfort eater so not really any surprise that I've put on weight.