Back but for a different reason

[ClingingToHope]

I am sorry to have sparked that little argument. That wasn't my intention.

I have been listening to TED talks, trying to keep my mind occupied in quiet moments. One was on worry. That's a key. I have to stop worrying.

Yes, 47 is not too old to start over. I've already resigned myself to the fact I will work at least until I'm 70. That's when I can collect my full social security.

Yes. Next year, if XW does indeed move to Durand she would then owe me child support. I have factored that in and even identified a place I can move to within the girls school district.

Really, it's all about the career.

13-year-old just called. Heading out to eat lunch with her. This is the positive of my situation.

[ClingingToHope]

Journaling:

Struggling again this afternoon. Just had lunch with D13. She said something that made me cringe inside. As I dropped her off, she said "don't work too hard."

I don't think she was joking. She is too young, and I think D17 is still too young, to realize how empty I feel without a career.

Now, truthfully, I have been working today. I have a couple small clients that needed some work done and I worked on that. I am umpiring tonight. I am actually making a couple hundred bucks today.

In fact, just from a purely survival point of you I've had a good couple of days. I took a drug test yesterday for the post office. I have an interview with them next Tuesday. I've applied for a Rural Carrier Associate, which is subbing for the guys who take the mail out into the sticks. I've read up on the position. It's not a career, it's a chance to bring in more money on weekends.

On the way back, I got texts from a guy in another town needing an umpire during a weekend I don't have my daughters. I'll earn $120 to $210 cash in one day. Then I got the email for a short writing assignment from a company that I would love to bring me in full time. I got there in time, got the assignment and finished that this morning.

Again, it comes back to letting go of worry and just having faith.

Today, this morning I sent a resume to a nonprofit for a job that on my resume I'm not all that qualified for, but I've done several projects over the years that would qualify me. I have a former co-worker there and I sent her an email asking her to advocate for me.

I also got a call from a headhunter about a resume.

So things are happening .... just nothing solid. The funny thing is how emotionally drained I feel.

[JksD]

Sounds good, CTH.

Btw, I will also have to work till 65, if not later. I like to think of it as keeping my mind busy and working. And hopefully it will help to stave off the dementia that seems to run in both sides of my family.

[Rick1963]

Clinging what did "don't work too hard meant to you"? Do you think you and your kids think you are lazy? A loser?

Maybell I'm am a therapist. Being counseling people since 1993. I used my skills here to help others during my stich. Sadly it always backed fired.I was called all kinds of names. Mr Bond called me rude and unhelpful. In looking back I realized that what I know how to do can not be done via this forum. Way too much is left out and misunderstood.

My advice to you is to offer what you can based on your professional experience and leave at that.

[ClingingToHope]

I long ago realized I wouldn't retire early and that doesn't bother me a bit. I like being around people. So the whole 70 thing is not a big deal.

It's just I want to get going again ... in something.

[kat727]

I have a part time job at Flexjobs.com. You can go that site and find freelance positions, telecommuting positions, part-time jobs. There is a monthly fee to get to see all the details of the company offering the jobs, but you could go to the site and look and see if it is worth your while. I think it is like $15.00 a month or $50.00 a year. Check it out.

I get the work thing 12 hour days...joy, joy not!

kat

[Sotto]

It sounds like you are really busy on the job applications front and I'm hoping something will unfold for you soon.

I work in HR and it's surprising how many people we see who have a scattergun approach to applying for jobs. I always think the best way is to hone down to a smallish number - 6 to 8 maybe - and then really go for it. It sounds as though you have the right approach here I think.

One thing I love to see is for people to have researched us and to ask an interesting question about a development within our business at interview.

Ps: I wouldn't worry about what your 13yr old said....maybe just something overheard and repeated....

Handling the anxiety is the other thing and meditation/yoga/exercise have helped me a lot during some difficult times.

Keeping my fingers crossed for you my friend

[ClingingToHope]

Sotto, the research idea is excellent. I will use that.

Interesting week.

On Monday, I got an email from a company that I did some work for back in April. They needed me for a short writing project.

I went in, got the assignment and finished it in two hours the next day. It should have taken 30 minutes, but I had to do some research on pianos.

That led to another email and another assignment on Wednesday. I stopped in and this should take two days. So that's all found money for July. Also, the work I did back in April is finally getting picked up by some publications -- which means I fulfilled all my original obligations.

The owner of the company was there and we sat down to discuss ... future projects. Back in April, we talked about beefing up the company's blog. He has a grander vision though. He wants to make his website the go-to place for small business owners and entrepreneurs in the Midwest.

Now we're talking. I've long thought about what I'd do if I created a website from scratch.

One caveat though. He doesn't want to bring someone on staff. He wants someone to manage it ... who will take some of the risk and get some of the reward on the back end.

Nailing him down on exactly what he was proposing was impossible.

So I went home and came up with an editorial plan ... again, I'd been thinking about something like this for a while. It's a very good plan. By using publicly available records, you can compile a list of entrepreneurs to talk to over several states without the need of a huge staff. And I can pull it off. I sent it to him and proposed talking next week.

I understand where he's coming from. He doesn't want to commit a huge amount for an idea that may produce no extra revenue. But I have bills to pay. I don't need to be on staff. I can be paid through my company, but I can lower my per-hour costs only to a certain point ... and I'll need some kind of time commitment. What if one of these applications leads to something but now I'm starting this new venture. I could turn down a solid job for something that gets dumped in three months.

I'm jumping ahead again. At the very least, it was exciting to get some new work and to talk about a bigger project. I emailed a copy of the proposal to a friend who used to run the small business development center in town. He liked it. He's running his own business development firm and he said some time this summer he's going to contract with me for writing work.

I also umpired seven baseball games this week and picked up two more for next week. So things keep happening.

I have to continue to fight the feelings of bitterness and jealousy. A former softball teammate had a son in one of the games I was umpiring Wednesday. He's the CEO of a company 30 minutes north. Last winter, they had a writing opening. It didn't pay great, but I was overqualified for it and considering he ran it I thought I was a shoo-in. Instead, the person running the department didn't hire me because she "heard about how things ended" for me at my old newspaper job.

1) things ended fine. I was let go, but I didn't argue. It was a long time coming. I survived five rounds of cutbacks. I shook hands with the people who let me go, hugged everyone goodbye and left. I knew it was coming.

2) they shouldn't be talking about me anyway.

Back to my former teammate. Just seeing him and then thinking about getting turned down for another job I'm overqualified for just ... burned me up. I waved to him but didn't go over to talk. I didn't want the "so what's going on" question.

There's other stuff. It was a fairly busy week for an unemployed person. But I should get some sleep.

[ClingingToHope]

It is father's day and I have always tried to be a good father. Many of the decisions I've made in the past two years that have hurt my career search were because I was trying to find something that wouldn't lessen my time with them.

I got up early this morning to donate plasma because it would be an extra $50 I could spend today. The systems were down and I wouldn't have gotten out of there until 1 p.m. So I came home.

D17 went to Chicago yesterday with friends then to a party last night. She ended up staying at a friend's house and texted me around noon asking if I wanted to meet her for lunch. D13 and I went over and had a good time. D17 is going to hang out with more friends and meet us for Finding Dory some time today.

After lunch I took a quick walk. I'm trying to focus on the positives. I love my daughters and have a couple more years with them. I have "irons in the fire" in terms of contract work and actual employment.

I will not starve. I can last another year under the lifestyle I have now. I need to focus on today and not worry.

[Lifes Twists]

Cling,

Keep being the rock for your girls, always doing the right thing, and keep a positive outlook on life for yourself and them. I know it seems impossible at times but I believe that what you do in life is bounced back onto yourself, good or bad. I have three teen daughters myself. Since all went to cr*p I too have made career choices based on staying there for my girls. I always kept positive in front of them and always tried to show them a better way. Things have recently taken a great turn for the better. I got a new job 15 minutes from home at a great increase in salary. This only came about because I kept standing back up when knocked down and standing tall for my girls. It sounds like you are doing the same and I feel good things will come your way.