WAS or what 7

[roist]

I'm OK thanks for asking. This week I have really made time for me, used mostly to go cycling but other stuff too. Slainte mate.

Mut'
Thanks for letting me know you still read my situation. I just wondered if you didn't feel like a supportive message because of how you are feeling now (your state of mind) or because you find my situation futile. I am just curious but you don't have to clarify.

My journey is going to finish well. How and when I don't know ...yet.

Hope everyone reading this has as good a weekend as possible.Best wishes

[mutatio]

It has nothing to do with you. I made an effort to post on my thread when I did not want to, after struggling to write a message I saw your thread and tried but could not get the wisdom to flow. I chose at that point to tell you the truth and not write a load of BS.

I love my wife but do not like her behavior. I tried everything I could for 15 months and went backwards. At this point I behave well but am not over being hurt. For that reason I have no profound insight. That well has run dry, hopefully it is not a permanent condition. Be well

[roist]

Mut

Some posters believe that lbs needs two or even three bomb drops before they really accept the reality of their situation. Once that acceptance is achieved the road is cleared for truly moving forward. I believe thatyour path is now clear and I look forward to hearing you formulate how you rebuild a great future for you. I am a bit excited for you and hope you can get excited about what lays ahead for you too.

As for me I'm plodding on. Am getting out of the house mire and mire. Am getting fitter and fitter, though still hampered by being tired. I an reading a book on connected parenting. I have started doing some of the recommendations,though only a third into the book. W has seen that I ordered book, as we have joint Amazon account. Neither of us mentioned it. I had thought about talking about it, but in the end didn't.Mainly because this book is part of MY path and not a ploy to show her I am working to improve. I am reflecting on this to be sure of my reasons and not to fall into bad communications for bad reasons.

I have had many more good conversations with W and she has been more open on a lot of stuff than of late. Whereas this is good, it is nothing personal.I haveoften been in awe of how she is communicating and wondering what that is about. Sometimes I am thinking this is great and get lost in that thought and enjoying the moment that I don't listen fully. I am working on that. But this type of communication is not constant.I appreciate it, validate when I can, listen as much as possible but don't let it fill me with hope or other emotions that cause me to alter my path.

When I gal, my W usually profits to do ironing, tidying, planning stuff foe kids/family. I get out of the house mostly for me as this life is not as full as I want. Part of it is to give her (& me) space and to show both of us I am not chained down by this situation. Sometimes I will stay out after a short gal just to read a chapter of a book. But mostly I am doing something with people.

I have two races coming up and some social events, including drinks after work tonight.

I am relooking into gratitude and appreciation. Also happiness. My.happiness seems to have slipped in recent weeks so I will go back to what I was doing. I think my focus came back to M and not enough on the good stuff!

Got to go. Thanks for reading

[Zephyr]

Woo-Hoo roiste...in my opinion, this is all really good stuff.

you have turned your life around in this overhal, still looking for cracks in yourself to fix and addressing these as you find them.

well done.

now, can I ask you, what have you been doing to....peh4aps....have some fun together? spontaneous is hard...I know, but doesn't have to be through the roof skydiving lessons or something.

weekend is coming, have a grest time out with drinks tonight!!!

[Zephyr]

as far as Facebook. you can look at whatever you want, wife won't know if you just click a specific page to see a specific quote or anything. you never know who you will find.

[roist]

TBH Z I still consider myself broken. I am not whole and I am not fixed. Those cracks are missing pieces. At the moment I have taped myself back together, whilst I work towards permanent healing. I am not being negative when I day that but fairly realistic.

That being said I am much better than before BD. I have taken responsibility for my own happiness, my R with boys and my life in general. I am aware of what changes need to follow. That clarity alone is worth tonnes. It means I can take specific actions instead of wallowing in not seeing why things are a problem. I could go on for ages but I am a better man than I was and I foresee greater improvements.

Amid everything that is off in our R, everyday there is something that is "on". Maybe I am s bit too closed/rigid but any time W is not receptive to my presence I either get busy or disappear. I have better ways to spend my time than with someone who doesn't want it. I am not cold about this but am fairly consistent.RResult is less poor quality time together plus W seems more active in suggesting stuff to do together! May only be TV series or jobs in garden but still.

I see a lot of potential but in essence my situation has not changed much in the last year and could remain stuck for years to come. Or it could fall into place or fall apart suddenly.Time will tell. For now I busy myself on my path, without losing sight of our path.

[roist]

Last week I spoke with a WH. He explained how he has not lived as a couple for years and they almost never do stuff together with kids. Always one or other. From what I gather they both have withdrawn from their M. He explained things so simply and eloquently that it was hard to fault his logique. I did fault it a little still! Maybe in his case but spouses are unconnected that they are both WAS. If there is no LBS it does seem that simple.But I know it is never that simple.

Anyway I mention him, not because of his situation.BuBut I wondered about how many WS think the same about their LBS here.Msybe being strong and not needy and everything else gives them the twisted logique that the lbs is OK and due to their mutual respect things will finish smoothly.

In my situation I wonder if "accepting"so little is being interpreted as being OK as things are. I will develop my thinking on this and share some info on our respective parents Ms. Hers live together but are not very together.Msybe that is an acceptable way to live and maybe W is willing to live that way for the sake of the children BUT I am not. I would have thought that my W would split rather than stay unhappy. I still believe that. But I am sure her parents didn't intentionally end up there either. I fear that more than separation.

I have seen some positive signs and some improvement in our R. All steps in the right direction. I know it is likely to be the last thing to happen but still no improvement in us as a couple. She is more invested in our family,our activities, our time but no affection. There is more closeness in terms of communication and even physical presence. Recently she has shown more initiative to what we do in the evenings when boys go to bed. She is more receptive to my initiatives. Maybe she realises I am not going to sit on a couch just to be with her especially if she is disconnected.Maybe a lot of things. Time will tell.

So far in the summer we have planned two long weekends away as a family.The first was my idea to meet a friend of mine. I was genuinely surprised how she went for this idea. Not that she did but more so how she did. Plus she is proactive at organising a week without the kids during the day so WE can work on projects in the house, including redoing our bedroom.

These things do not mean my situation is improving but still. Time will tell.

Yesterday I spoke to a woman. She is the mother of a WH. She hast fallen out with her son over his comportment and his neglect of his children. He has a young mistress! Her description of him was word perfect for many WH described here. But it was interesting to hear it from a mother.

I never mentioned my situation to either of these people though I know I could tell the guy if I wanted to. Only reason I haven't is that it is a small close nit community and I prefer not divulge private stuff . Maybe if we split I will but for now, hhere is where I share.

I hadn't even intended posting today!! Anyway thanks for reading. Best wishes

[Zephyr]

good morning from sunny chicago, the Kelly family is loving it!!!

it is getting on as a hot summer over here, but that is why ice cream and swimming pools were invented, right

roiste, i have a question that of course you don't have to answer if you dont want to. you last bunch of posts talk about how much better things are getting with your interactions with your sons, with your wife, spending more quality time together, more meaningful communication with her, you are going out more, doing more for yourself, doing an utterly magnificent job looking deep in yourself to fix those cracks....by what metric are you looking at your relationship and at yourself to say your situation is not improving.

i get the lack of intimacy, if that is what is being referenced as the standard.

what is your ideal here that you are evaluating the whole thing? is it how things were 20 years ago or something else.

I have read countless situations where after this burst in the marriage (whether it be affair, apathy, mlc, whatever) it becomes a new marriage...you can't go back to the way it was. even many heavy hitter vets on this site never return to the way it was because that marriage is dead and you are building a new one from scratch.

I often wonder about you and I, are we disappointed because our expectations are too high for what we think our marriage should be? I remeber seeing a post from starsky, not too long before his final post that said that his sex starved marriage was something that never got resolved. there are others with that same outcome.

I don't have any real answers. if I did I'd be the one writing the book;)

I just get a sense that I keep looking back from time to time and holding onto something that is long gone and it is holding me back from moving forward faster.

is it because I don't want to accept that things will never be the same, that i may never have sex again, that special favors will never happen in the middle of the night again...maybe, maybe not right. focusing on those thoughts ARE holding me back. I needed to spend more time living for anf enjoying what i do have instead of dying for something i dont.

your wife is moving at her own speed, it may not seem like is working on her...but i will bet she sees your improvements and deveoplemt and will continue to follow your lead. keep it up.

Glad you posted today, I wasn't planning on posting either;)

[roist]

I'm game. I'd prefer to quench my thirst with you by sharing a poolside beer, but I'll settle for answering your question.

Firstly I assure you that I am not looking back with rose tinted glasses and wishing to get that back. I am only looking forward.Obviously 20 years of shared history will form a part of the foundation but this is a new build to new specifications.

I think I have shown that it is possible to survive in a SSM. Sex is not the be all and end all of a M. But knowing it is not an option, that your partner is not interested and may never be is for me not viable. Regardless of the sex, all the lesser forms of physical contact are important too. Those plus signs of affection and caring. Even a demonstration of interest in me/my life would for me be a sign of improvement for US.

I don't think I set the bar too high to want these things. Maybe I could settle for less if I knew she wanted to be with me but was incapable of more. As it is I don't see that.

For the moment she is not capable of fulfilling these needs. I don't need her to immediately but for me affection, care, interest and physical contact are essential pieces to a fulfilling M.

I have set the bar high but not unreasonably high.

I hope that answers your question.

[Zephyr]

thank you for you response! your answer was along the lines of where I thought you were...I just wanted to see for sure

I hope you had a great weekend!