Wow Job, I'm new to posting and this thread really hit home for me. this is the game my H and I have been playing for years. We have a fight, my H quits talking to me. I beg him to talk and try to work things out. He gives me the silent treatment for a week or so. I back off a bit but continue to check in. Somehow, we get through it but nothing is ever really resolved. I'm always afraid he's going to leave because I've said the wrong thing. Consequently, I never ask for what I want for fear of anger or worst he'll leave me. And here I am, my worst fears are a reality.
It is so difficult for me to stop the pursuit. I feel like I'm being unloving. Everything you and others have said on this thread makes so much sense, yet, it's still very hard. I guess I haven't gotten to full detachment yet.
I am going to try to find the book you referenced and start to read it and learn some better techniques. Thank you for your advise.
Question - I can see so much value in the distancing thing... but my husband is having an EA (long distance). If I distance, then won't he just run to her all the more?
kyrie, The Distancer/Pursuer tactics are not a game. They are behaviors that many of us have. You do not distance yourself to get him to pursue. What you do is stay the course, remain yourself. What you don't do is react to all of his antics and/or comments that come out of his mouth. No begging, pleading, etc. Keep the focus on you.
What are you? Distancer or Pursuer?
Please start a thread either in Newcomers or this forum, MLC, so that we can help you. We need to know more about you and/or your situation in order to do so.
I have a question about this... I'm definitely the pursuer. He has had that he will most likely leave unless I change (with no offer to change himself). If I stop doing everything for him then that seems unkind when he does stuff for the house too... building projects for example. I get the rest of it - not starting conversations, not giving gifts... I'm working on detachment with love. Is this wrong to do things for him? I stopped folding his laundry but I still do the washing. Recently he stopped making me a cappacino in the morning. He said he doesn't want to do for me what I can do for myself... but the point is to do kind acts not remove all kindness. What do you think?
Well, he's basically told you what he's going to do for you, i.e., he doesn't want to do for you what you can do for yourself. He's basically telling you that you need to start doing for yourself and become more independent and not to rely on him for such things.
Is he currently folding his own laundry? If so, then I would gradually slow down on doing other personal things for him. But, that's your call. If you are comfortable doing his laundry, by all means continue...but it sounds like you are probably living as roommates at the moment. If you are, then I will ask you this...would you do your roommates chores for him/her? While they are in crisis, you have to think of them as roommmates and/or distant relatives who come to visit. Keep your expectations at zero at all times.
As for doing projects around the home...be sure to tell him thank you and that you appreciate his efforts. They do love the attention and affirmation.
Again, you have to decide what is acceptable to you when it comes to doing personal chores and errands for your MLCer.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Oh I forgot to mention that he frequently asks me to scratch his back or examine bumps on the back of his neck etc. So I guess he is not flexible enough to scratch his own back. If I ask him to squeeze my shoulders he does so begrudgingly so I stopped asking. Should I continue to scratch his back when he asks? It's not something I would do for a roommate. I like being asked but I'm not sure how it works within the 180 plan.
Purchase him a back scratcher. They are fairly inexpensive. You can order him an inexpensive one from Amazon for about $5.95.
I also see that you have a thread over on Newcomers. If you think he's in MLC, please consider starting a thread over here and tell us about yourself and why you think your h is in MLC.
