I just checked in and am a bit overwhelmed by the compassion in your replies. Thank you all for the support. Truly.
I have realized a few things today. One is that I'm battling some depression. Really struggling to get out of bed, low energy, and feeling overwhelmed and unable to handle any adversity before the day begins. Like "If the next thing that happens to me is bad I give up" kind of an attitude.
This isn't like me. I remember times in my life when I bounded out of bed with a high energy level, where I was humming with determination and desire to manifest greatness in the world, where no matter how much I was up against it couldn't break my sway because it was nothing compared to my fire. So I can contrast how I feel now to how I have felt during other parts of my life, and I can see that I've been muddling along for a while.
I have also changed how I measure depression. I used to think of it in terms of how badly I felt. But now I realize that everyone feels horrible at times. Now I measure it in minutes, in hours. How many hours a day do you have to spend wrestling with negative thoughts, defeatest thoughts, hopeless thoughts, before you can get on with your day. When I was first BD'd I might need two or three hours a day to wrestle with the loss. I finally had that down to just a few minutes a day maybe a month ago. Then the income situation changed.
My income has been declining, and that is part of the challenge. My income was rising and peaked in 2015, but it was 20% higher than I'd ever earned before and seemed to be an unusually high year. Yet this is the high water mark that the courts want to use, and in fact XW's lawyer wants to project future income growth into the equations. But the reality is that my job has changed.
I didn't realize it at first. At first I just thought I was having a few tough months, or that I was a bit distracted by this divorce stuff. But I don't believe it anymore. Let me explain.
In my company we rate performance on a scale of 5-1, 5 being the best. It's usually like 60% are 3s, 15% are 2s or 4s, then <5% are 1s or 5s. In my last role I was a 5, and was told I was one of three 5's in the organization, and was "one of the most valuable assets they had". And even if I was disengaged, auto pilot, or distracted, I was always a 5. This isn't just my last role, I've always been in the top .1%, and in fact have always been hall of fame in whatever role I'm in.
Yet now I've been struggling. I have really been bearing down this last month, fighting to turn things around at work. And today I was talking to a peer and I realized...I'm a strong enough player that even if I'm not at my best I ought to be a 5, or for sure a 4. And maybe, maybe if this job is a level above what I've done in the past, and my peers are all former 5s from other positions and industries, maybe if I'm really not paying attention I could be just average, just a 3. But the situation is that YTD I am a 2, below average, missing my targets. I've never missed my targets before in my life. I've never struggled. And now I'm fighting hard to turn it around, and I'm fighting to get to goal, to be a 3.
This isn't me. This is the role. I didn't notice for a long time, because I normally don't pay any attention to what anyone else is doing. I keep my head down and just do my thing. But I've looked around, and everyone is struggling. My peer that is also a 5, and I will admit is smarter than me, more talented, more driven, and maybe the most gifted individual that I've ever met in my life...he is working 60+ hours a week and struggling, he finished last month at 99% of target. He said the same things tonight over dinner, that he's never missed goal, and that with the work he's putting in he would expect to be at 180%+ of target, not barely making it.
It is depressing to wake up in a sales gig and know that no matter how hard you play you're the underdog to make it. It's hard to play your best when you know you're doomed and you can't win. And that's how I've been feeling at work. I am doing my best, it just isn't adding up. And it's so hard to face the adversity I face when you know it's all for nothing.
The problem is I can't jump ship just yet. I want to finalize the divorce before making any other changes. Also, my dad wants me on the home loan application for my next place, and I can't switch to a different commission sales gig with a different company prior to getting into a new place. So for at least the next 3+ months I have to keep walking this walk. It's hard, every morning I have to pound caffeine, dig out of a deep dark hole, get revved up to fight a losing battle, then try to knock out one or two tasks, get a rhythm going, and then grind through a day, only to do it again. But hey, that's life, and I know a lot of you are in the same spot.
To make it worse I have another item hanging over my head, when the kids start school again I don't know how I'm going to get them back to my place. I was originally planning on being in their neighborhood before they went back to school but the homeloan can't be approved without the divorce decree, and now that's taking longer (as if 2 years isn't long enough!).
But it won't last forever. Somehow, someway it will play out. I won't starve. My kids won't be harmed. I don't know what will happen. But in the end life will go on.
I do plan on going to court. There is nothing to lose. I feel like they've already taken both my arms, and are now asking for a third arm. There's nothing left to take. So let's just stop pussyfooting around and have a judge look things over and bang a gavel.
At some point this will pass. 2016 started awesome and I thought it was my year, and that I'd gotten through the worst of it because I no longer have any feelings for XW or want anything to do with her. I underestimated the impact she could create on my life and how difficult that would make my journey. But maybe if I just close my eyes to the future and grind through days, one at a time, clawing out of the hole every morning, and doing my best when I'm at my worst in a horrible spot...eventually the landscape will change and I will look up and it will be 2017, and maybe I will be surprised to look in the mirror and see that I'm excited to be facing the day, and enjoying the work I'm doing, and confident I can make a difference and be compensated for it, and empowered by having a positive cash flow to where I can start taking control of my finances, paying down debts, and planning for a future. OK, maybe that's more 2018. We'll see. But the day will come at some point.
I'm trying not to stew in bitterness at the system and the culture that I feel put me here. I can totally see why the men do. That is not who I am, that is not what's going to define my life. It's hard not to identify with them when I have to spend 2-3 hours a day wrestling with those feelings and feel hopeless and helpless because of a horrible person and horrible laws. And I understand not everyone feels that way about the laws, although most people in my position do. But again, I'll cut myself some slack because I'm still in the middle of it. I know me, I won't hold a grudge against my torturers, I can forgive them, it's just hard while I'm still being tortured.
So anyway, I guess I needed this from you all today. I haven't been at my best. I've been in pain. I've been hopeless. I've gone from being strong and powerful to being curled up in a ball waiting for the blows to stop coming. As a result I'm sure I haven't been a joy to be around lately. To see the care you have put into your responses was just a big relief today, not just the wisdom, but the care you all put into it. Sorry I haven't responded individually, this post was time consuming and is about what I have in me tonight, but really a big thank you to all.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
I have been on these boards for almost a year, and I have never seen you so down. I am so sorry Zues. I wish so much that there was something I could do or say to comfort you the way you have comforted me when I was at my lowest.
I know as well as you do that this state, these feelings and emotions are only temporary. Sometimes I liken mine to the seasons. I live in an area where there is changing seasons and I would never want to live in a region that had perfect weather all year round. There is so much to be said about the memories and occasions and lessons and experiences that are specific to each of them. So take this time to restore and to feel. One would have to be super human to not be affected.
You are defined by so much more than your job performance, earnings and status. I hope you recognize that.
Zues you have walked beside me in my times of darkness when I have been so very lost and overwhelmed. I am here offering you what I can. Hold your faith my friend that this shall pass, and you shall triumph and feel happy and in control once more. You have read a million books on success, so you know that every successful person has experienced failure and loss. Millionaires have lost millions and been able to come back stronger and faster. Your mojo is off for now, you have had a lot to deal with, maybe this shift and learning in places you didn't expect or anticipate. This is possibly realignment of values and focus. I don't know Zues. Sometimes God, the universe, who out there is pulling the strings, just doesn't let us in on stuff until the moment is just right for our knowing. It feels unfair and frustrating, but I try to hold onto the thought that this pain cannot be for nothing.
I remember a wise poster saying to me and other's many times over "keep posting". (btw that wise poster is YOU). Let us love and support you through this like you have done for me and so many others.
Zues, you are so strong, it's sometimes easy to forget what you've been through. I've been with you long enough to see your cycles, the ups and downs; you've overcome an addiction, seen your wife attempt suicide, fretted over whether she had done it a second time, seen your family ripped apart. I've heard you use words like 'black" and "despair". But you always find a way to come back to center. That's what you do.
We all know this process isn't linear, at times we circle and swirl and drift. And that's all normal and even healthy, as long as we don't get caught up and drift too far away from where we need to be. Pay attention, Zues. Depression is not something to be toyed with, get the help you need. Don't drift too far.
Others have written beautiful posts here, Jelly in particular has a way with words. Go back and read the words of her and the rest of your support crew and know that you are valued and admired and cared for because of who you are, not your sales record. Reach out to your friends, your mom, your dad, to the board, or to me or Jelly directly. We are all here for you.
Zues, I'm sorry all of this is still happening. You deserve a break and the chance to move forward with your life without something that you never wanted hanging constantly over your head. I wish you strength to keep going, to keep getting out of bed and believe there is a light at the end of the tunnel. To fully believe you will make it through this and things will work out, somehow. We may not see how right now but one day it will happen and I truly hope its sooner rather than later.
Keep having a great time with those kids, that's what's it's all about and you're doing amazing there.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Zeus, many here have needed an antidepressant to get through this phase, don't be ashamed to ask for it if you need it. Or at least take some B vitamins (including methyfolate), SAMe, and/or St Johns Wort. Also exercise is an effective antidepressant.
Your attorney should be able to give you an idea of what is a reasonable settlement in your state. The courts can mandate a professional evaluation of your wife to see what she is capable of earning.
I Internet guarrantee that this will pass like flotsam on the sea.
Your determination and strength are legendary, know that this is one of those things, they are feelings nothing more.
Zues will endure, he has his children. Look back see how far you have come, how much contact and love you have for and with your precious and beautiful children.
A W may be not be for life but your kiDs are.
That is the essence of pure love. You have that and ithe shines from you.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Zues, I'm very sorry you're fighting on two fronts. But I'm glad you're seeing that your professional challenges is not just about you, but that others are also struggling - at least you know it's not on you.
It's great that your mother is staying with you right now. It's so important to have that support, and it sounds like you are really enjoying each other. Maybe that's allowing you to feel more tired, knowing that she's there.
On the issues with WW - H spent 10 years in court with his exW over money and custody, so I'll share a couple of things we learned:
- First some comforting words from one of H's attorney: "She can ask for snow in hell. Doesn't mean she's going to get it." (Female attorney with a Southern drawl - she was also the substitute family court judge.)
- Pay only alimony and support, and make alimony high. That is because - if your state laws are like most others, so check this - alimony is added to her income before child support is calculated, and alimony is a tax deduction for you while CS is not (regardless of state). Talk to your CPA/accountant about these tax consequences for you.
There should be state formulas/guidelines to calculate both, it shouldn't go all over the place. The length of time is another factor.
- Get in the agreement that you get to claim both children on your taxes. You can pay her out the refund she would have received for one child. This is very beneficial for you with the much higher income.
- Avoid taking on any other payments like car or health insurance. They don't count into CS calculations so she could potentially come back and have it recalculated later and other payments are not considered. Be very specific. H's exW managed to get her motorcycle paid by H because the wording in the agreement wasn't clear about him just agreeing to pay off the current car loan!
- If you don't feel that your L is fighting hard enough for you, talk to someone else. You're only as good as your L.
I'll come back with more as I remember.
Oh, can you get from your employer some figures that show the overall performance for all sales staff trending in the same direction as yours? They may try to make it look as if you are voluntarily underperforming to reduce the support. If you can show that this trend is companywide or at least branchwide, you can fight that perception.
One of my good friends is engaged to a realtor who got divorced right after the recession. The financial settlement was horrible for him because they didn't use current figures. Maybe you can drag things out long enough to get more updated figures used?
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
