WAS or what 7

[roist]

Z,

I had an OK weekend, not as jam packed with fun as yours but still not bad.

I don't feel like posting much these days. I guess it is good that I don't need to. I am sure that down the line I will need help here but for now I am handling it OK.

Those improvement signs I kept mentioning recently. Maybe they were wishful thinking or over focusing on the positive. As long as they don't create expectations I will try continue to focus on that.

But it is sporadic or at least inconsistent and in between there are much poorer interactions/signs. I may be starting to care less.It is hard yo describe but in essence I have pulled back more from W. I am willing and able to occupy myself ALL the time rather than poor interactions and low quality time together. I think my W senses that and often a split second before I decide to go off and busy myself she initiates a conversation or activity together. What I am trying to say is that if W wants no time with me she can have that, but she has not.

There is changes in me, her and the situation

[roist]

There are changes in me, in her and in us. I honestly don't know if the changes are for the better or worse. In terms of us at least. Time will tell.

I am observing mini power struggles between us too. It is amusing as an independent observer, but I am not an observer. Anyway this is nothing dramatic but I am glad I see it for what it is. I could go on about this but the essential is that I don't let it escalate without being a walkover. If I was a puppet before that is changing.She gets her way if I agree and doesn't otherwise.

I may take a step back from here for a while. I have not been posting much on my own thread anyway. I try to help some newbies and support some: other not so newbies. I will do that again but maybe for now I will focus elsewhere in my life. I say that and still may come here often.But if not ye know I am OK.

Thanks for reading and best wishes.

[Zephyr]

keep the focus where you need to!

I love all that i have read from you, your attitude and your posotion.

keep exacting positives, yes if all we ever see are the negatives we will die miserable

I am very glad you have been helping the newcomers, you have learned a ton in the last coupke of years and these folks will benefit from what you have to say. they will understand if you cannot for a bit, we've all had to step away from time to time.

you know how to find me!

[roist]

Posotion?

Thanks for the cheer leading, Z

[Zephyr]

positivity - clearly a language issue

[roist]

There is so much I could post yet not much to tell ye all.

I realised lately that I had gotten TOO comfortable with my current situation. I had slackened off on preparing myself to be able to move on if required. Mentally I could but the practical stuff, not so much.

I told myself that I have time. Then recently I got that "fukc this shite" feeling. I haven't had it in a while but I have slowly gotten back there. Whenever that happens, I remember cadets question to many nrwbies as to what that would look like. Early on it was important to have an answer to that to be sure it is a DB way (not cold, resentful, hardened or vengeful).

But now I am relatively in control of such moods and furthermore as regards to W, it will look like what it looks like and that is that. I am not flippant about it but it will be about me not her.

What brought this on was a weekend away and I just didn't like this pretend happy families thing. I just questioned whether accepting this situation without a word was the right thing to do. I wanted to say that it doesn't suit me anymore. But I drank my STFU smoothy.

I was so worked up I didn't feel like going away this weekend as planned.W had wanted to go for longer than I can so I told her she should go without me. It is to her sister's so v doable on her own with the kids. Long story short she preferred to wait for me so we could go all together as planned. I do want to go together. It will be fun. One thing I have learned here is that there are times where what I feel like doing and what I want to do, are not always the same thing and acting on feelings/emotions is rarely in my interest.

Whereas I did not tell her to go alone with the: intent of seeing her reaction,i was interested to see what she would decide. I was looking forward to both options. Time home alone or time away in family. Whereas I will not mindread her reasons, I will admit I prefer she choose to wait for me than go without me.

Similarly there have been times where I plan to do stuff with the boys and she comes too, even when I say that I'll bring them alone if she wants to not come.

I don't understand her wanting all this together time without being really together. Anyway despite the lack of intimacy, this time allows more shared memories into our R.

I know I spoke mostly here about negative stuff. I guess I use this site to dump it here and not carry it around. But even when I have thoughts like I have had enough or I don't care if we split, it saddens me but does not cripple me like before. I feel stronger.

I also feel more in control of myself.I see certain interactions and realise that before they would have invariably gone much worse, as they don't trigger my reactions as much. Any time I get frustrated or annoyed it seems shallower and without the residual lingering negative feelings .

I can look at my W and see so much good to be grateful for and appreciate. I don't just see the negative.NNeither am I blinded by the positive. She is great but not perfect. It took this crisis to allow me realise how lucky I was to have had her in my life. This situation also allowed me rebuild my.opinion of myself. I deserve better than I have now. She does too. For now I choose to accept where we are but only as a passage towards better things. I will never, take for granted what I have and especially what woman I have. I truly hope I get to show that/prove that to my W, but regardless it is a lesson learned.

I have recently taken a step back from learning and given myself a break to just be. I will refocus on that shortly.I plan to make the most of the summer with my sons but also to put in place solid actions to improve my life.

I have decided I want to really embrace the gratitude concept further. I am thinking of buying 52 cards and over the space of a year send a written thank you to 52 people. My thinking is to start by asking who am I most grateful to and continue by the next most grateful the next time. I won't restrict myself to one a week but moreso however I want. Once a week seems like a chore. This is not a chore.

I am weaning myself back off this forum. Hence my posts are too sporadic for newbies to follow. Hairier times may lie ahead and I may need this support system like I did before but for now I have learned enough to cope without needing it. I then replaced that need with the urge to read and help newbies.I liked that but feel all the sadness and hurt here is not helpful to me at the moment. Anyway I repeat myself!!

Wow. Guess I needed to write and had more to say than planned. Thanks for reading.

[SH_]

roist,

Good to hear from you brother.
Quite an update and one I can relate to.
The complacency part, while feeling the sense that we must get back on the horse and charge forward. I believe it is a great crossroad in the journey, one that we will come to on many occasions.
May we choose wisely, and not stall for too long each passing of this fork in the road.

I love the plan for demonstrating gratefulness and my 2c is to say go for it. You can have an impact on 2 each day that you follow through.

The community will be here as you need it, as will the place to share the "negative" so that you can tuck it away and go out and live the "positive"

Keep on keeping on my friend. At the end of the path, there are good things for you, and you are preparing well to reci be them.

[SH_]

Reci be = receive

[roist]

Thanks SH for dropping by and offering support. I have a slightly different perspective on your crossroads in that I don't see any reason to rush through it. Sometimes we need to take a break and ponder before continuing our journey.

I like your latest update. I was going to drop by and basically say what I just said.

I am going to do a gratitude exercise. I just want to see what works best for me. At the moment the 52 thank yous seems the way to go. Glad you like it.

[roist]

A simple "trick" that I came across yesterday.

When feeling down, place a pen sideways into your mouth so that it presses back both cheeks. This forces the face to take a position similar to smiling. The muscle memory associates this with good feelings and may help improve mood.

Up until now I have exclusively listened to self improvement stuff in my native language (English). Yesterday I checked out some stuff in my adoptive language. I am nit being boastful but I am grateful to be able to do so. I would not be fluent in a second language except for my W. Thank you W. I would not be on a journey of self improvement without her either. I guess I should thank her for that too!

Anyway best wishes to anyone reading