I am one other proud member of your Peanut Gallery and I certainly don't look like Lucy at all! Your XW is the "mean" one who keeps pulling back the football at the very last minute and you go flying in the air on your backside.
You really need to hunker down with your L and look at EVERY possible angle like the champion pool player that you are to ensure a victorious outcome when you guys come in front of the Judge. If your L is not the cream of the crop or truly going the mat for you, find another one.
I'm sorry about the depression you are feeling Zues, I can relate. I am going through a phase myself right now. I was never a depressed individual until the divorce. I wanted to pretty much die during bomb drop and the year that followed. I went on AD's and leveld out for 6 months, then went off. Then I got depressed again when I was struggling at a job where I worked 60+ hours a week, not making very good money for my profession, and put in dangerous situations. It got so bad I ended up in the ER with blood pressure through the roof (and mine was always perfect). I went on AD's again and came off when I got a new job. Coming off of those was very difficult and I promised I would never go on them again.
Well, here I am, suffering from a bout of depression again.I tried lots of exercise, yoga, keeping busy, friends,IC, you name it, I tried it. I have decided for myself to go back on AD's to take help with the pain and crying, not to make me happy. That comes from me.
Situational depression lots of time comes from hopelessness. That's where mine usually comes from. I can read a bit of hopelessness in your post. Sometimes when we are deep in the cr@p, it's hard to see a possible way out. But know that you will. Keep focused on the things that you enjoy, like your chess and pool. Maybe get some exercise. Exercise really does increase your endorphins.
It's time for self care an lessening some pressure on yourself.
I want you to know I've read all your posts repeatedly. You all have good points and kind words. And simply your presence on the boards is very comforting. Thank you for being there for me.
Painter, you are right that I might feel tired simply because I have the opportunity to.
Well, interesting few days at work. I have been pushing very hard and had a decent week, put a few good deals together and am on track for a reasonable July if I keep it up. We shall see.
Then yesterday we had a corporate meeting at HQ. My boss showed us YTD figures for both our team in MN and the entire nation. Last year at this time we were at 117% of goal, this year we're at 100% of goal and he acknowledges that our team is stronger than it was a year ago. He was very blunt in recognizing that the job isn't the job it was a year ago, and that things have gotten more difficult. He talked a bit about how there is still opportunity if we do x/y/z, and he shared some best practices. But then he mentioned that this was known at the corporate level and there may be some adjustments to goals and compensation plans at some point. Whether that happens soon, or if it is more of a 2017 adjustment, that is TBD.
Obviously I'm not going to let my life collapse while holding my breath for a change in pay plan that isn't assured of happening. But since my plan was to work my hardest for the next 3-4 months anyway, it doesn't hurt to know that people above me recognize the difficulty we're facing. It makes sense they wouldn't want to lose good employees, and I am absolutely a star employee. So while I'll be ready to do what life requires me to do if things don't turn around, I'd sure like it to. I guess it's a lot like DBing in a way. And I left feeling a bit energized and inspired. I realize I'm like dry wood waiting for a spark, it doesn't take much to inspire me because I want to be inspired. So I left feeling somewhat optimistic that a path may be revealed.
This is my weekend with the kids. I don't have any crazy plans. I think Jk is doing some subliminal advertising because I am finding myself wanting to go watch Finding Dory today with the kids. Tomorrow I want to go on a long hike with them. And of course we're going to do some more reading. We're in Minas Tirith and everyone is hunkering down before the war bursts.
Speaking of which, for those that don't know, the "Battle of Evermore" by Led Zepplin was written about the battle of pelennor fields, the mounting attack of the dark lord, how the men were trying to hang on until the dawn as the armies scourged the land. There is a version on youtube with lyrics. It's an awesome song. Sometimes it seems this is where we all are at times. But regardless, this song makes me happy:
Oh, well, the night is long, the beads of time pass slow, Tired eyes on the sunrise, waiting for the eastern glow.
Take care DB superstars.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Zues126 - Just stopping by to welcome you to this part of the forum and let you know that I still follow your story. I hope you'll find the support you want here. I'm very impressed at the strength you show in such adversity. I collapsed at work when WW left and I would have bitten anyone suggesting that I pull through the way that you did. And the financial demands that you're now facing - just wow. In a group of people who show resilience and commitment, you still manage to stand out.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
As of my last post my three biggest looming challenges in my world were as follows: 1) Finances, I am going backwards monthly and cannot meet the demands of the courts. 2) Work, I am struggling to hit my sales targets and the turf has gotten tougher year over year. 3) Scheduling, I have 50% custody now but live 15 minutes from my kids' school, so I don't know how I'm going to manage pickup/dropoff when school starts. These three problems all overlap. If work was better the finances would be less overwhelming. If I didn't have to put so much energy into parenting I could put more into work. And if I have to leave work at 2PM 2-3 days a week to shuttle kids for two hours it could tip things from impossible to impossibler.
Well, as you know my dad has told me he has my back financially if I need help short term, including helping buy a house. So what normally would be the biggest problem is now manageable. But the scheduling/work has been tremendous strain. I even started putting my resume out there, but there are many reasons why I don't want to leave my job. It is really, really good, I just need to make it work.
So my mom is a college professor with the summers off, and she has stayed with me over the summer. She has one year left until retirement, and was planning on moving up here next year to help with the kids while they are in school. But that's a long ways out, and I was pretty stressed.
But the funny part is that since she has been here I've been able to put more into work. Instead of cutting out at 4PM to pick them up, then entertaining them, cooking, etc, and being exhausted at 9PM when they go to bed, I can work until 5 or 6, come home to my mom's cooking, hang with the kids a bit, and actually have some energy left over. She's cooking many nights, getting groceries, helping with kids laundry, and just hanging out with them at times so I can get some work done on the weekend. I am omitting the awesome parts of just having my mom around as a person of course and just focusing on the problems at hand.
As a result my job is on a massive upswing. I'm #2 on my team this month, I'm going to have my biggest earning month of the year, and I have a huge pipeline and a lot of record deals lining up for August. Things are starting to go really well. I'm organized, hungry, focused, and effective, and I'm on a tear. I don't believe it's a coincidence.
Well, tonight my mom told me officially- she has announced that she is retiring a year early and she'll stay with me going forward. She had been weighing the pros and cons, and many of the reasons she'd want to put off retirement involved dealing with the stress of moving, life changes, etc. She figured that those problems would have to be faced at some point anyway, either now or in a year, so might as well make a move when it could make a monumental change in my life.
Needless to say this may solve all of my problems. My dad will make sure I'm not homeless. My mom will make sure I'm able to put in the time at my job it requires to succeed. And given the resources I believe I have the ability and drive to be very productive in my role. There is still a lot of work ahead, but I can actually see winning from here.
So that's my big happy news. I'm very excited. And it's been very cool hanging out with my mom.
I'll be minimal on the kid updates, much of the same, amazing times with the kids that are hard to sum up in a few sentences. My son is back from his coding camp tomorrow, then we spend the weekend together. Next weekend with them my father is going on a camping trip with us. Looking forward to unplugging. Oh, and in August I have a week long pool trip, the first week off I've taken in years, and I look forward to some battle.
Beyond logistics I'm doing better as well. I feel very good about my performance. It's easy to say "you're not your performance" and I understand that well enough to not act on my negative feelings when things aren't going well. But I will admit that when I'm crushing it and lining them up and knocking them down I feel energized, powerful, and have a lot more spring in my step (the running joke with my friend is that sometimes when I close a big deal I hang up the phone and shout "I AM SPARTACUS" out loud, and one time I looked at my phone and saw that while I had hit the 'end' button on my call the timer was still ticking, and I wondered if I said that too soon ). Bottom line, I am a competitor, and playing my best is a big part of who I am and what I need to do to feel like myself.
I haven't gone much into thoughts on divorce, marriage, dating, or anything like that. I recognize that many of my feelings and outlooks are considered problems that I need to work on. But I've got here and now problems to face, so that's what I've been focused on. As for other people, I will continue to say not only can't I see the time when that might be possible, I can't even see the time when I can see the time. And I think for me just two years out I think that's just fine. My mom will stay with me maybe 2 years, maybe 5 years, who knows. This is my family now. Maybe in another life I'll be open to a different idea of what that can look like.
One thing I have thought more about is my expectations versus reality. As a perfectionist it is easy to compare reality to how I wish things worked, and then just see what's lacking. Marriage specifically comes up very short from my ideals of a committed relationship as you know. Yet if I did the other extreme, and compared reality to a complete dystopia in which love didn't exist, people used each other sociopathically and walked by people dying on the street without slowing down to help, etc, well, then our world doesn't look so bad. At least people try. At least there are moments of connection. So I recognize how my inability to accept mediocrity can make me feel very disgusted with much of what I see. To be fair I apply that to myself and use that to drive to high standards, but I know that is wearisome for others and not an effective tool for interpersonal skills, and that if I wanted to be open to the goodness of what's possible I might have to continue to calm that down.
Not yet. At this time I still choose to maintain those standards even if it means isolation. I would rather go on my own journey and sit out the game of interacting with others that from my view seem dangerously destructive and hurtful. But while I can't see the time that I can see the time, and while I am still very driven, I do think that settling down somewhat, breathing, being in the moment, being more appreciative, hanging with my kids, and working on accepting things as they are may be a key to one day being open to new possibilities in the future. Right now all I can feel is disgust and aversion, but that might change.
One thing I feel disgusted about today is people "reinventing" themselves. I think this mindset contributes to my distrust of relationships. It's this idea that at any time during our life if we don't like it we can just pick up the pieces, go somewhere else, and start over. It doesn't have to be relocating physically. It can be with divorce. Shoot, I was talking about different forums a month ago and I didn't like the idea...but if I chose to I could sign up for a different forum with a different user name and just be like "meh, those DB guys, I don't need 'em anymore, I want a different group that gives me something else I want", and I could just shrug off all of the times we've spent as nothing more than an online forum and plug in somewhere else. But the problem with this mindset is that if you do that, if you trade in forums, trade in spouses, and just keep 'starting over', you miss out on what it means to actually live a real life in one place, as one person. This is why I stay with DB forums (well, that isn't all, you guys are UNIQUE). You guys are my forum crew, and I don't see that changing. Anyway, just a random thought of the night. Growth is fine, but I think this idea of shedding a life like it's a snake skin is gross. I'm not a snake. I'm a damned alligator. Alligators don't shed skin.
OK, time to go stalk a gazelle too close to the waterbank...
PS- thank you all for your support through these challenging times. I know there are more ahead, but through the good and bad I appreciate you all.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
). Bottom line, I am a competitor, and playing my best is a big part of who I am and what I need to do to feel like myself.