V, sweetie, didn't you know that November is alligator season in Chicago? It's going to be hard to avoid them. Best to relax and embrace. Some of them are nice.
I am still deeply wounded and understand that like someone protects a sensitive spot, I am protecting myself so I don't get hurt further. And that my need to protect myself is far overpowering my desire to share with others. And I am wrestling with my own entitlements, my own humanity. I don't have any hard conclusions, I just know that reacting to pain with anger and blaming isn't the path I want to follow. I need to work through my emotions, the destructive behavior that I contribute, and consider what I want my footprint to look like when it is all said and done. Perhaps an alligator footprint...
Zues, I'm so happy your parents are stepping up for you. My parents have never once asked me how I am or if I need anything.
Very early on in this process I made a decision that I was not going to end up an angry bitter woman, and that has influenced so many of my choices. Here I am two years later, not settled exactly, but happy with the choices I've made, happy with how my life is turning out. I applaud your decision to reevaluate where you might be blaming and holding grudges, where you might be putting up defenses that are keeping you from something better. You've come such a long way on this journey, Zues, take a moment to be proud of yourself for that. And there could be worse things than an alligator footprint...
Two different quotes I've been thinking about (and Sotto's on Ginger's thread). I didn't know which thread to reply on so I'm replying here. I think Ginger and Mozza read this anyway, so it's all good. Here are the quotes:
Originally Posted By: SunnyB
Very early on in this process I made a decision that I was not going to end up an angry bitter woman, and that has influenced so many of my choices. Here I am two years later, not settled exactly, but happy with the choices I've made, happy with how my life is turning out. I applaud your decision to reevaluate where you might be blaming and holding grudges, where you might be putting up defenses that are keeping you from something better.
Originally Posted By: Mozza
Most of us here have accepted that our M is over and many are comfortable with that. But we are haunted by our take on what happened. You mention, for instance, that you feel 'robbed' of your future. I get it, it's the same for me. Being 'robbed' though is one way to look at it and it's one that's likely to create anger and resentment. It is not a fact. The fact is that our partners left when we wanted them to stay.
Now we decide how we frame it: Is it robbery? Is it freedom? Is it betrayal? Is it relief? Is it renewal? Is it opportunity?
This framing, this perspective, this angle is our choice alone. At BD, it's impossible to feel anything but pain and anger. But over time, we regain the power to look at things a certain way. To come up with a new interpretation of our life. On that doesn't necessarily put the D in the middle of it, for instance. One that sees us from birth until now, and more, with different relationships in them. And a future up for the taking.
Nobody wins from the framing our lives in a painful way. We might resent our X for leaving, but it doesn't impact their lives; only ours. So maybe it's a matter of finding a narrative that's comforting to us and allows us to accept and embrace what happened in order to fuel our new future.
I like both quotes. I do. I am not dismissing them. I absolutely agree with choosing not to be bitter and angry, and to be careful about the narrative we choose.
At the same time I can't quite get my heart around this new-age idea that we can frame anything into a positive and waltz away better off. For example, suppose you lost a child to someone that was driving and texting. Would you 'reframe' that as being 'free of the responsibility of parenting?' As 'an opportunity to have more children?' Listen, I definitely think you'd be advised to move forward with your life, find ways to be appreciative for what God has given and the time we had and still have here, and to do your best to celebrate our lives. But can we not do that and still accept that the loss was horrible to it's very core?
As for Sunny, I agree 100%, and I deeply admire the way you've handled yourself. The only thing I hesitate about is the assumption that some people make, not you in your post, but one that does get made...that if we grow and heal we will be open to love from another person and find a meaningful follow up relationship. I've heard that women that are single and don't want kids have other people constantly making the assumption that they want a man, and they need to settle down and start a family. It's kind of the same thing. I don't think that if I choose to not sign up for the whole R/M thing again that it means that I'm angry, jaded, or bitter. I think it could just be that I see the game for what it is and don't want to play again.
Now, I'm not there yet. Both because I haven't made that iron clad decision, and because I know I haven't processed enough to know how I'll feel in a year or three. My only point is that I think that healing and sorting through emotions is one thing, and that it is totally segregated about whether I choose that partnering up with someone is in my future or not. As long as people make the assumption that the end result of healing is another relationship people may assume I'm angry or bitter, when I might be doing better than a lot of people that are rebounding to try to avoid doing the work of grieving.
Just my thoughts for the night. I sure hope no one feels judged because lord knows I'm not aiming commentary at anyone's choices. If I didn't think the world of all of you I wouldn't be putting this all out there. While I used the rebounding as an example I am certainly not saying that those of you dating are rebounding. And Mozza and Sotto, again, I really see the benefit of managing your own narrative, if anything I'm trying to find a way to take the part of your quote that is effective and make it jive with my views.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
I do want to say, (Zues, this isn't really aimed at you because you know me) that although I have reframed my situation somewhat, that was only after the fact. My H lied, cheated, walked out on me and our children. Despite that, I decided not to be bitter and angry about it. It's only two years later that I see it as a gift. I am able to see that *because* I'm not angry and bitter, not the other way around.
And Zues, this part is for you, you are 100%a correct that being healed and at peace doesn't mean you want a new relationship. I think it natural for all of us to assume that's what comes next, after all, we were all in a relationship and we fought to save it. It seems logical that would be what we want. But not necessarily. I do. That doesn't mean you do. But I'm glad you aren't ruling it out.
Frankly I am torn between xWH being lost in Italy with a Russian Tart and the tragedy of loss.
I shouldn't say this but there have been times in my sitch when I have been so hurt I want to die,so traumatised I hallucinate his sorry ass.
And there are some times when the whole thing clucks like a Brian Rix farce, you could never make it up. It's unbelievable and no story teller could weave a better tale. Some of the histories here are bad sh1t crazy loco. And my sitch is one.
The damage is enormous and xWH is like the terminator coming at me from all sides whilst hiding in the Italian undergrowth.
An aging lothario with the demeanor of a maggot. A giggalo to a woman who trawls the golf hotels of Europe looking for rich pickings. Close armed and open legged.
And she drew xWH with his pickings from his ex wife which will never come. A prize catch. Two cons conning each other.
This wayward lifestyle ages those who live it. It may not help you now and in due course you will lose your attraction to the destruct wayward in your life.
I swear I find it gut wrenching funny, I belly laugh.
Between the tears.
Bitter sweet and like Sunny I am determined that I will recover and find love again.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
I don't think I have the same ability to tolerate things that other people do. Sometimes I feel I am critical, demanding, and have unrealistic expectations that damage my relationships. Sometimes I feel I am extremely sensitive and can't tolerate stuff that other people seem to shrug off.
Some examples of what made me shake my head yesterday.
My friend did a job for a contractor that paid him by check. The check bounced. My buddy called him in the morning and the guy was apologetic and said that he put funds in his account and would be there with a new check at 11AM when my buddy came to do the final walk through. When my friend got there the guy wasn't around, just one of his crew, and he didn't reply to text messages. Finally the guy texted him back at 3PM and said he'd run it over to him. Now look...my fried DID get the money, so you could ask what harm was done. But he didn't know for sure if he was going to get paid. In this industry there is always some exposure until the money is in the bank. You have to live with that, it's part of the job. But when the check bounces it is definitely a concerning experience. You want to get that cleared up, and it is a big disruption. But that is a human mistake, that happens. My point is for the guy to not follow through exactly how he said he would, that to me is very thoughtless. I understand that HE knew he was going to pay, but my friend didn't and it was a major disruption to his day as a result. If he had taken one moment to put himself in my friend's shoes he would've handled the situation much more promptly and crisply.
Then last night my friend gets a text from a guy that had scheduled a 4K job to be done on Monday/Tuesday cancelling, saying that he had found a better deal elsewhere. Some guy beat his bid by $200. This is just gross to me. If my friend had no-showed because he found someone that had a bigger job this guy would blast him all over Angie's list reviews, yet he can screw with his business, his employees that need hours, etc, because he's the customer and is entitled to do whatever he wants.
Then I get an email from XW. Here's the set up- on 7/26 at noon she texted me asking if I'd gotten her car tabs mailed to me. I was at work because I actually work a job so she can take my money and not have to herself, so I got home at 6PM. I was busy as I was celebrating my birthday party, but I checked the mail and the car tabs were there, then the next morning my mom dropped the kids off with her and I had her put the tabs into XW's hands. So from the time I got texted she had tabs in her hand within 24 hours...DELIVERED. So I get her email and it says (paraphrasing) "I need to be direct and tell you that these stupid games need to stop. If I have legal stuff mailed to your address you should have the same respect for me I show for you and let me know. Or responded to my text. As we prepare for court we should agree to not play stupid games like that."
This isn't anything different from XW. I don't even know why I'm posting it. It's been like this for 18+ months now. Everything I get from her is just *insane*. I don't understand how she can write this or any of her emails without understanding how crazy she is. I guess she assumed I had them for weeks and didn't tell her, but to throw out an email like that on an incorrect assumption to me is just inconceivable.
But the point of my first two examples is it isn't just a spewing WAS. It's like it's everywhere. People just seem to me to be thoughtless, reckless, destructive, and insane.
I love people, but in the end this crap is just too fatiguing to me. I can manage through, keep strong boundaries with who gets close to me, etc. But it really, really puts me off on people in general. I just don't want to have to deal with any of that.
Maybe I have some personality disorder where I am hyper sensitive. Like suppose I was walking through a crowded city street where people bumped into each other a lot, but I had some skin disorder where any contact caused me pain, I might look at all of these other people slamming shoulders thinking "how can they act that way" without realizing maybe they don't hurt when they slam into each other. And I might distance myself from them or choose a different street because I can't tolerate that kind of high impact.
Long post, but I'm trying to both be understood by you all, and equally to understand how much of this is normal and how much of this is unique to me. Sometimes people encourage me to join the party, but that advice might not take into account how upsetting this stuff is to me. And the idea of relaxing expectations, it's sometimes hard to know what part of this are outlooks I control, versus some type of hardwired personality that I simply have to manage through in my life. Not sure, just my journal and thoughts for the morning.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
