Not sure where to go from here

[inpain]

I love hearing great news like this but.....be super careful. Is that what you want and want him back "as is"? Lots of healing to do and I would also think that you have to have some conditions for this return. While the return for the "family" is noble and what we all probably begged and pleaded when we shouldn't have a while ago, he has to be coming back for you. And for you both to have the connection you need to heal and get back to a great place. I know I could not go back with my STBX if she said those words without alot of discussion around major issues and how we would heal and move ourselves to a place of understanding the wounds, why they happened and what we needed from each other Hoping you can get there!

Mmmm, well yes rich4j, you've hit the nail on the head. I'm not feeling it at all. I didn't feel pleased or excited when he said it, just felt, "Are you kidding me?!" I don't know if too much damage has been done. I feel nothing except very irritated by his presence. He hasn't apologised for what he has put us through over the last 8 months, hasn't really said much of anything except those words. He came home today from his course and we all went out for tea. I just felt awkward and wished I wasn't there I'm not sure how or if I can get passed these feelings I have towards him. I look at him and just feel like I hate him for what he has done.

[Rouky]

Your H has put you through a bit of an ordeal for the last 8 months, and maybe it's your mind telling you that you need to protect yourself just in case. I think you should take it as one day at a time and see what your H's actions are.

I wish you all the best in whatever you decide. Just keep us posted.
((((((Hugs))))))

[inpain]

Hi Rouky, thank you for your thoughts on it, I really appreciate it. I'm so sad about it, I think it maybe too late. I just don't see how I can ever love H like I used to after putting me through all this. Also, it worries me that I feel happier when he is not here, but I don't know if this is because of everything he has put me through or because I genuinely would be happier without him. He text me on Tuesday to say he loved me. I didn't know how to respond - I don't feel love for him, I just feel angry towards him. Ironically, I liked it better when he wasn't saying he wanted to work it out. Maybe he just took too long? I don't know. It is keeping me awake at night. I know our children would be over the moon to here he was coming home so now I feel like I'm the guilty one for maybe not wanting him to.

I wonder if this is how everyone who has pieced felt in the beginning?

[Rouky]

I remember reading posts that was saying that WS do come back when LBS has finally dropped the rope and by then LBS isn't too sure if s/he wants WS back.

I can't offer any advice because I'm not in this situation, only you know what the right answer is. Look back at everything you have shared with H ( good and bad times), and see what your heart is telling you.

Whichever way you decide to go, I'll be there to support you xx

[JksD]

Inpain, I have been skimming through your sitch.

You say that you're angry with him. Anger means that there's still some attachment. What do you think you will feel after the anger dies down? Indifference?

If you feel indifference, then maybe you truly are over your H.

Is your H willing to put in the work? Are you also willing to put in the work? It may be that you're in the ILYBNILWY stage. You may not be feeling love but do you love H?

At this point in time, your love bank sounds pretty empty because of H's behaviour. If he learns to fill up your love bank, do you think the loce will slowly come back?

[Irish M]

Hi Inpain.

interesting stuff with your H.

I just reminded someone else here... follow your gut feeling.

there is no need to jump into his arms. work has to be done if you both want this. If you are not sure... then that means not sure. Your decisions hasn't been made yet. Let time solve that for you.

Remember . it will and has to be a new relationship.

Anger is still present so let that go. He didn't have an affair, you are a lucky one.

He was and is just a lost little boy that needs to grow up. Hopefully he will and do the things you need him to do. As you needed to see your relationship for what is was and work on you.

give it time. your answers will come.

hugssss
Irish

[inpain]

I remember reading posts that was saying that WS do come back when LBS has finally dropped the rope and by then LBS isn't too sure if s/he wants WS back.

Hi Rouky, thanks for your thoughts, I really appreciate them, as always. It would seem that the above is most definitely true in my case.

Look back at everything you have shared with H ( good and bad times), and see what your heart is telling you.

At the moment my heart is telling me that H has done too much over the years for me to be able to love him and trust him ever again. I feel so sad that I feel like this, for my children's sakes. I look at H and feel nothing though.

Whichever way you decide to go, I'll be there to support you xx

Thank you so much my friend.

[inpain]

Hi JksD, thank you so much for your reply, I really appreciate it.

Inpain, I have been skimming through your sitch.

You say that you're angry with him. Anger means that there's still some attachment. What do you think you will feel after the anger dies down? Indifference?

If you feel indifference, then maybe you truly are over your H.

I think maybe I am truly over him. I look at him and feel nothing. I don't know how I could ever get feelings back for him. This is not the first time he has done this, and there have also been several questionable incidents over the years that have eroded my trust in him.

Is your H willing to put in the work? Are you also willing to put in the work? It may be that you're in the ILYBNILWY stage. You may not be feeling love but do you love H?

H says he is willing to put in the work but so far his actions don't back it up. Speaking from experience of when H has needed to pull out all the stops for a previous major incident that he caused, he doesn't have it in him. He has no idea what to say to someone when he has broken their heart and eroded their trust. He thinks that if he fusses round and makes cups of tea then everything will be alright.

As for me, I'm willing to put in work but I want to feel love for my H - and I don't. I don't want to break my kids' hearts by not letting H come back, but I also don't want to set myself up for years of an unloving marriage - already had far too many years of a marriage with no trust. I really fear things are beyond repair this time.

At this point in time, your love bank sounds pretty empty because of H's behaviour. If he learns to fill up your love bank, do you think the love will slowly come back?

Very good question. I really don't know. All of the previous occasions I have still loved H - just not trusted him. I haven't even cried over him for months now. If I believe Michelle's words then yes it will come back - my heart isn't telling me that at the moment though.

[inpain]

Hi Irish, lovely to hear from you as always, thank you.

interesting stuff with your H.

I just reminded someone else here... follow your gut feeling.

there is no need to jump into his arms. work has to be done if you both want this. If you are not sure... then that means not sure. Your decisions hasn't been made yet. Let time solve that for you.

My gut feeling is to carry on as I am - without him. My whole life is so much calmer and more relaxed without him here and every time he comes round, within minutes, that is shattered.

Remember . it will and has to be a new relationship.

You are so right with this. This worries me though, as when I look at H now and his attitudes to things - if I'd just met him and he was a potential step-dad to my kids - I wouldn't date him at all.

Anger is still present so let that go. He didn't have an affair, you are a lucky one.

You're right, I do need to let the anger go but I am finding that difficult. He has put me through so much and just wants to sweep it all under the carpet and never mention any of it again. I don't work like that unfortunately. I'm not entirely sure on the affair part though. There was that incident in Feb/March when I was told that it was all around our village that he was seeing one of the single mums that lives in the village. He has vehemently denied it, but he would, wouldn't he!? Add this incident to all the other EA incidents over the years and that is one big lack of trust to get over, on top of everything else.

He was and is just a lost little boy that needs to grow up. Hopefully he will and do the things you need him to do. As you needed to see your relationship for what is was and work on you.

give it time. your answers will come.

Part of me does see H like this - a lost little boy. As you say, hopefully time will give me the answers. I just hate that, in particular, my S11 is hurting so much and this is damaging him - so I don't really want it dragging on and on, causing him more pain and anguish. He asks every day if Dad is coming home and says on a daily basis that he hates him.

[Rouky]

I'm so sorry for your son as I can only imagine what it must feel like for him. Your situation is a bit of a funny one as for so long you wanted H to come back and now you aren't too sure. All I can say is follow your gut feeling. You know better than us what your relationship was before, do you see a future? Could you see a change in mariage dynamic if H was to get some counselling ( I remember you indicating possible EA) to really get at the bottom of why he has behaved like that.
If you aren't in a rush, let the answers come to you.
Thinking of you (((((((hugs))))))))