Hey, do you think your mom would like to visit me maybe for a week once or twice a year?
I'm so happy you have that kind of support from your mom and dad which helps to solve the issues you were concerned with. I unfortunately left a job within my career I loved due to the divorce and managing my daughter's schedule. I had zero help. I bounced around for a few years and even had some unemployed stints due to kid scheduling. It is a huge challenge. I'm finally settled in a job that has perfect hours, is very flexible, pays well, but is boring as heck. (which is why you find me on here a lot lately, lol) There are lots of things in life that are a trade off. I'm glad you didn't have to trade off your job and you have the help needed to maintain your job and 50/50 and you will have a house to call your own. And that you appreciate these wonderful gifts. I'm about to gift myself a cleaning service twice a month, lol.
There are people who leave behind people in search of something better and a new life. Those are people who are running away from themselves. Growth and change is good, as long as your remember where you came from.
Last weekend I also met some wonderful friends and spoke of alligators.
Thanks Ginger! Yeah, this was huge. The crux was I couldn't trade off my job. I am court ordered to pay out several thousand dollars a month to XW and if I moved into a lower paying job I could be considered 'underemployed' and would face legal action. The only option I really would have had was to give up my parental time to XW so I could pay her even larger amounts to raise them with them growing up while I was working to support it all. Yeah, right. Over my dead body. So yes, this is a huge blessing and I'm very appreciative.
Hm, seems like I'm still working through some anger. I'm just glad it's working out. Everything about divorce, spiritual, legal, etc, is gross to me. But I'm out of the game and I still have my family. Not the family I envisioned, but a closer and more positive family than I have ever had.
Thanks for posting, I'm following all your sitches, I've just been less vocal because I am kind of spewy lately
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
I always love reading your posts. I am so glad that you are blessed with an absolutely incredible mom. What a relief for you and what a great experience your children will have. My mom is a teacher and also retired a year early (prior to BD) to help us so I could work. I will never forget the sacrifice she made to help me. I do not know where I would have been without the continued support of my family and I am glad you have that IRL. For me, family has always been the constant in my life. There is so much devastation at the thought that someone would electively choose to leave their family. (But that's a whole other topic)
I really like what you said about the online friendships you developed on these forums. Do you think that perhaps getting to know and become online friends with some of us females helped you to not so readily accept the very dogmatic views expressed on some of the forums you speak of? I know for me, it would have been so easy to become distrustful of men in general, were it not for reading and empathising with many of the male posters, yourself included (plus i have really trustworthy brothers and dad)
One of the things about life is that everything changes. Sometimes for the better, sometimes not. And even if it seems like not..there is much to be appreciated (as you so often tell me) And while I could have viewed the support I received from these boards as something temporary to get me through horrible times, I chose instead to reach out and expand that support into some real friendships that I hope will evolve even further. Snake, caterpillar? I don't really know.
Anyway. I'm happy your still here. And I am happy that you were able to share with us your sentiment and gratitude for such a unique support forum.
Hi V! Yes, my parents are awesome and I am truly fortunate.
Juju, you've asked a question that has two parts. What keeps me here, and what keeps me away from those other communities (Voice for Men/MGTOW for those just joining).
What keeps me here I don't want to spend much time on. The fact is that even putting words on it really doesn't express the depth of meaning each of you and this community has for me. I am sure at some level there is selfishness, meeting emotional needs for validation or companionship and support through life. But it's way, way beyond that. When I was a kid I went to a church camp every summer, and between the spiritual orientation and the camaraderie with my peers we developed a connection unlike anything I had known. This forum is more like that. You are some of the smartest and sweetest people I've ever known, and we've gotten through a lot together. It will be interesting to see how those connections hold up to the passage of time, and our lives diverge from the common ground of BD that brought us here. But whether I post a lot or a little, I expect to be around and hope you all are for a while as well.
Those other groups were intriguing. They each had their own 'mission statement'. The men's rights group seemed to be based on the belief that in our battle for women's rights, we had taken our eye off the ball of men's rights, and that in some critical areas such as divorce laws men were suffering from inequality. This message came to me at a time when I was going through a surreal experience of appalling injustice due to a woman that walked on her marriage, so it definitely struck a chord with me. The MGTOW "men going their own way" mission statement seems to be that marriage in this day and age is a terrible decision for men due to the entitled mindset of most modern day women and the inequality of divorce law which was the inevitable fate of those who tried. That men play the M game with hopes that they can find love and that it can be different for them. But that the reality is that it doesn't work the way men dream it would, and that it will cost them their freedom in the end as they are legally enslaved and forced to support those that used and abandoned them. Again, knowing the statistics about women leaving marriages, the quick cries to "I am being abused" and "I deserve better" and "I am entitled to his support", the flood of examples of WW's on these boards, and the aftermath to the LBHs after the legal system had chewed them up, I definitely understand why some men could reach that conclusion.
While all of this resonates with me, the majority on those groups simply don't do anything positive. Blaming, victim mentality, like it is all women's fault and men are victims. Lack of accountability, like men aren't also swept up in the culture of selfishness and entitlement, leading many to walk on their own marriages, have affairs, and feel indignant that they should have to sacrifice to make a relationship work. Disrespect, name calling, hostility, and anger are widespread. Division instead of unity. Spewing and negativity instead of constructive discussion. I get that these men have been wounded, and I understand the reaction, but the fact that they choose to speak out of anger, react to their emotions, and in doing so fail to act with character, well, to me this is extremely hypocritical and destructive, and not a group I'd like to go on a canoe trip with.
I don't have answers. I think there is merit to some of their observations. But women aren't to blame, and men aren't victims. We are in a culture in which personal freedom is exalted, traditional values are seen as obsolete and inconvenient, and we feel entitled to being able to do whatever we feel like, and if anyone doesn't agree we can just 'etcha-sketch' start over with new friends and a new life that gives us the approval we want. This is not a gender issue, we just all feel the impact in different ways. And I am not excluded from it. My own disgust at this culture is hypocritical, because it just showcases my own entitlement that I believe things ought to work exactly the way I wished they did so I can have the relationship, love, and life that I want.
So I am just confused. I am still deeply wounded and understand that like someone protects a sensitive spot, I am protecting myself so I don't get hurt further. And that my need to protect myself is far overpowering my desire to share with others. And I am wrestling with my own entitlements, my own humanity. I don't have any hard conclusions, I just know that reacting to pain with anger and blaming isn't the path I want to follow. I need to work through my emotions, the destructive behavior that I contribute, and consider what I want my footprint to look like when it is all said and done. Perhaps an alligator footprint...
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
You have two very special parents who have continued to show unconditional love and support to you during your journey. Your mom is awesome! Her support will help you not only on the home front, but also when it comes to your work. At least you can now focus on work and not worry too much about what needs to be done at home when the children are there w/you. Her support will free up a bit of time for you to enjoy your children during the week w/o worrying about cooking, etc.
As for your father, you couldn't ask for anyone to be more supportive. At least you know that you can count on his support financially if the need should arise.
I'm glad to read that you are doing much better. I hope that you continue to feel much, much better and can enjoy the rest of the summer. You've had a lot of challenges thrown your way...but you've managed to overcome them. Again, I think your parents are awesome!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Sharing some alligator love. So glad to see there is some light in you and your situation.
My mum had her first dose of chemo on the 14th of July, and last week I had the privilege of my mum reaching out to me on one of her very bad days. So with my mum crying and distressed from pain and nausea, dressed in only a towel from an attempt to get ready for the day and not quite managing it, I was able to care and love her through a difficult moment in her life.
I remembered the time when she got on a plane and brought back to to Auckland when I was feeling suicidal and when Mr Ex couldn't handle it and ended our relationship. She sat with me for days drinking coffee with me, in the sunshine, while I cried and cried for that first week back in Auckland. Last Wednesday, getting her dressed, back into bed and making her a cup of tea and making her food and giving her some tlc for the day, didn't seem like a lot.
Yay for mom's Zues!
I'm coming to Chicago in November, maybe WE could find an alligator there, I am sure they have them. Otherwise I have a friend in Florida who, WE could visit sometime, who definitely knows some good spots for them!!
I am staying away from alligators though, right away. Might eat me.
Zues I wanted to tell you that legal systems work against the partner who has assets. I understand that usually that is the higher earner and mainly male.
In my sitch that's me, this xWH cheated with at least 7 OW, was abusive, gambled, smoked, drank and spent everything he had. Lives in Italy with Maggotroni2 now referred to as RIT (in honor of Rosalindas WH Russian Tramp). Doesn't want to D, tell me where he lives and is suing me for half of the assets, all of which I had before I met him. Isn't that injustice?
He lies, manipulates, sends threatening letters because I won't fund his lifestyle.
It's the various legal systems that do this and in honor of cash. Well not this honey, I am saying no to paying away assets. There are no kids involveD so why should I pay to a man who won't work?
I offered a walkaway deal, xWH from a fake UK address says no.
I will get there Zues and unlike those who complain am trying to rebuild my life.
And I will let you into a really big secret, I have lady bumps too.
At 62 I am starting my life again. And it's glorious.
How do I feel about xWH, well yes I still love him but I love me more. Would I ever repair an R with xWH, absolutely not, that boat has sailed.
It suits me xWH has RIT, it will mean his settlement is less. However he is trying to lie about it so that is tough. Long live RIT!
OWS are glorious if they are well off, so watch out Zues the fat lady hasn't sung yet on the Fins. And I suspect not on yours either if your xWH is a smart cookie then a rich OM is on the horizon.
The most important thing I see for Zues is his family, mum dad and your children. No money can ever replace that. Like you Zues I am blessed with love in my family and it fills my heart with joy.
You have something most would envy, a loving family, happy kids, career and a loyal heart.
So what to do about exes?
Let them go, play in their sandpit. I wish mine well I really do, I hope he and RIT love staying in Italy and never come to the UK. I recently saw their photo on FB all puffed up in classic pose and I felt nothing. Zilch zero Nada, not even a wave of sadness or even triumph.
You know I would not have wanted this for myself or anyone, but there is growth and wisdom in it. It has opened my eyes and anyone who reads from my early threads can see the confused hurting woman struggling with her sitch moving forward to a semi confident lass who is working on who she is. I see this to in Zues.
There are times you and I have different views on the world, and from you I have learned that anger (when I find it) is my friend and a great motivator.
So Zues I reach out in this funny Internet world to you as a friend and tell you there is much to admire and respect in Zues. That is as it should be when you offer friendship.
This world is small and there are pockets of growth and folks working on their stuff, this site is one of those.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
