We're more than all good Sunny. I know you've got enough on your mind, don't let me add an ounce to your load. I am super tired too and aren't up to much typing tonight, but know that I never would think less of people with balance in their lives. I only think of people as 'mediocre' when they are super critical of me, and then I look at them and I think 'wait a minute, who are you to judge, you aren't putting in half of what I am!' But for the most part everyone's doing their own thing to their best and I can respect that.
Ginger, I think I've dropped most of what you're talking about. I don't look for praise anymore. I've realized that what I was looking for I can't get elsewhere, it has to come from me. And the truth is that no one really cares to the degree we wished, only to the degree we impact their world. We humans are selfish beings and while we can be generous and selfless with focused effort for short times, ultimately we live with ourselves and are responsible for our own happiness as DB says. These days I get that more than ever. I still get fatigued at times, but I am realizing that it's more the limitations of being human than because our love for each other isn't deep. I also know I must invite criticism at times. I'm tired now, but imagine an actress that wants to be a star that does a show, then says "I was awful" afterwards secretly hoping for praise and believing she is the best, then getting offended when people agree with her self criticism. That's not exactly who I am or what I'm doing, but I recognize that I'm hard on myself for my own reasons and seem to invite critical responses, which isn't fair to those that fall into my trap. I've kicked this around a bit before and have some ideas, but not tonight.
I've got a busy 24 hours, hopefully next time I post I'll be in Vegas and have some energy. Take care all.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Zues126 - I just read the post where you quoted me and then jumped here to respond, without reading all the follow-up (I should be working!).
I want to clarify what I mean by "reframing". It's not going from one extreme to the other. It's not even seeing D in a positive light. It's just putting the pieces together differently, a way that might suit our anger a tad less conveniently. In my case, I have a narrative that says I was a loving and faithful husband that was blindsided and hurt. But if I add a few pieces to the puzzle, I can also be the insensitive and condescending husband who had it coming. As much as I could read my XW's behavior in articles about infatuation and limerence, I can also read my own in the "10 ways in which you are ruining your marriage" articles. I might be an architect of this D more than the victim.
It is obvious that you care a lot about rules and you expect people to follow them, especially when they have openly committed to it. This is a very high bar to clear for humans, for we're not machines bound by the laws of physics (otherwise I'd be working right now!). Every time you get a commitment from someone, you take a chance that it will not be honored. There needs to be a little wiggle room in our expectations or we'll hurt ourselves. Yes, hold others to a high standard, expect the best, but don't hurt yourself in the process. Think of all the people who survive infidelity for instance.
To go back to your wedding vows, where she promised to stay with you forever. I'm not sure where you stand on this now, but you used to be quite upset that she broke them by leaving. Now, what did we promise them? To love and cherish. Sometimes I think I'm the one who broke the marriage vows first. I might have cherished her in my heart, but from her perspective, I didn't (and she told me as much at BD). I didn't vow to "secretly" love and cherish, so you can make the argument that I broke my promise.
Regardless of whether you agree with this perspective, my point is simply showing a reframing of my own situation, one that doesn't fit my righteous anger as conveniently. You'll notice that my D is still a negative event. If I can get there — I am not yet — I will see my D as a learning event, one that helps me become better and, even, perhaps, having a more generous view of my XW and what she did. There would be one less horrible person in my life and I might be happier for it.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Drive by hug for ya Zues. Hope all is well, a bit quite on your thread, but see you are posting on others, back of JujuB's thread I see. Hope to the trip to Vegas was everything you needed it to be. Lots of love my friend JellyB xxx
Today was court. So much has happened. I don't know where to begin. I am exhausted. I talked this through for hours with my mom and just have nothing left in the tank.
Know that I'm ok, and that while as even the mediator said 'justice isn't always done', at least I will sleep soundly knowing I did what was right, and after 26 months this is finally put to bed.
More to come soon. Right now I'm going to go to sleep. Take care all.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Rest easy my friend, there is no rush. Just know we are here when you are ready. You are loved and cared for Zues. As always you are in my thoughts. Talk soon JellyBxxx
Two years ago when this all started I remembered I had a few goals that guided me through the divorce:
-DB to my best ability to stand by my marriage so I could look back with no regrets -Protect and guide my children and even quietly XW through this crisis -Ensure the financial settlement was either fair or slightly unfair in XW's favor so she and my children would be ok -Step up as a parent to improve the relationship with my children and remain in the foreground of their lives
Some of these goals are difficult to measure, yet they served me well. As things conclude I have to embrace the fact that whatever losses have been incurred through this process I have achieved each of those goals. While there are a few minor things I would do differently, overall I am very satisfied that I have done what I could to the best of my ability:
-I hired a team of professionals (L, IC, DB Coach), shared my goals with them, and used their guidance so each legal step was in line with those goals -I truly stepped up as a father both in quantity and quality -I was very proactive in providing financially for WAW/children regardless of the emotional turmoil -I didn't use her alcoholism, adultery, or attempted suicide as leverage of any kind during our social evaluation, while still taking action to protect my children and lead them through -I never reacted with anger or hostility, and refused to take an adversarial approach -I kept focused on the priorities of my children and my ability to provide them a home, and was incredibly flexible with everything else and the time it took to achieve them
I've shared extensive negative opinions about society's entitlement, embrace of individual freedom, and glorification of the pursuit of personal 'happiness' as a compass, as well as a legal system that has evolved to reflect shocking protection and enabling to those lack of values. This hasn't changed, and if anything I feel better prepared to discuss and demonstrate how misguided some of this truly is and the harm that is caused as a result.
Yet as the legal process comes to fruition I have also learned to respect that at the granular level it is still quite functional, and that much of the time people are able to emerge with lives that are manageable if not always just. Most importantly I see how my individual actions and initial goals played a large role in the relatively reasonable way this case was concluded.
As of 6/1, I achieved 50% parental time. As of 9/1, we have reached a settlement that will allow me to provide food and shelter to my children
It's funny that despite my resentment of being forced through this process, I received a lot of validation from both court dates. She rejected all offers I put on the table for the two years and every point was contested. Yet it ended up with me reaching the exact proposal we offered two years ago.
Originally XW wanted to be primary custody of the kids as she felt I was a hopelessly incompetent father and the kids were better off with her (also supporting her desire to avoid financial consequences of her decision and retain the lifestyle she had in terms of avoiding work). At the social service evaluation she was shocked to hear the courts recommendation that I receive 50% parental time, and their words to her that while I may not have the experience with the children she did, that had a lot to do with opportunity, and that it was time I was given the opportunity to be a parent in some ways that only she had been previously, and also that she recognized that I was an equal parent to her and not just a father figure. And yesterday the mediator spent 90% of the time in the room with XW/L and said there were many hard realities faced, many tears shed, some difficult client management, yet ultimately she let go of her two year insistence that she couldn't work, accepted that our proposal was fair, and that going to court would only force a worse outcome.
The most shocking part was when we were verbally acknowledging before the judge the individual parts of the settlement. We went point by point and I had to say "I agree", "I understand", "Yes, I am of sound mind", etc. I went first and agreed with the terms. What is funny is that even though I knew that XW had agreed prior to going into the court room to finalize, it was still SHOCKING to me to hear her say the words "I agree". I realized that it is almost the first time in our damn marriage and post marriage that she has ever agreed with me. All it took was two years of multiple court officials battling her unwavering and impenetrable insistence that she was absolutely right and finally representing my voice and my rights. So the fact that I ended up getting essentially what I proposed two years ago both with the children and the finances is very validating.
So to is the reaction of my lawyer and the mediator. It doesn't really matter what they think of me as I won't be seeing them again. Yet it does in the sense of measuring how well I achieved my goals. And I did good. The mediator told me in no uncertain terms that I was being not only reasonable but generous, that she was genuinely moved by my ability to accept some difficult points and the values I noted above that clearly were my guide in the process, and my candor with her in putting all of my cards on the table and my willingness to be vulnerable and focus only on what mattered most.
For example, it is likely that I will be able to earn more money in the next 12-36 months. I didn't downplay that or deny it. I told her that I intended to, and that I felt I would be able to. But I also said that where I was at today was where I was at today, and while I expect to earn more in the future and my skill set has a higher earning potential, potential won't pay my September rent. I quoted the line "There is no difference between theory and practice, in theory- but there is in practice" and got a good chuckle out of her. She told me that I was incredibly poised, articulate, and sincere, and that I clearly had a six figure skill set, and that she was going to do something she had NEVER done before and give me her brother's contact information saying that if my company didn't take care of me and things didn't look promising this December when the 2017 compensation plan rolled out, I should go somewhere where my contributions were rewarded, and her brother owns a company where someone like me could do quite well.
The parts that were unjust aren't worth dwelling on but I'll mention it. It is the amount/duration of the maintenance. Essentially the last two years I have stepped up and XW has not. XW hasn't gone back to work, and she frittered away the two years with alcohol and new men in her life, going to the cabin, boating around, partying it up. Year 1 she did nothing, last fall she took and failed one college course, she retook it and passed this spring, and essentially is just starting to get serious now in terms of taking 10 credits. This means that best case scenario it will be 3 years before she has the education needed to get a job where she won't absolutely need support. And that is frankly assuming that she gets going now, she enrolled for all of her prerequisites, but she now has to follow through and do the work. The point is that as a result, I will be paying a high dollar amount for the next three years, and a dollar amount that at my current income level truly puts me negative cash flow despite the fact I am living in substandard housing. The mediator was sympathetic and said "if this were to go to court the judge would be disgusted by how this has been dragged out and her lack of progress over the last two years, yet when determining a settlement she would also have to deal with the current reality we are facing, and XW is simply unable to do better than start now and get things done in 3 years". So essentially the fact that I stepped up and she loitered around is recognized, but unable to be factored in to the settlement. It did feel a bit like I've been sitting in jail for two years and just found out that it wasn't going towards my sentence time until just today. BUT, to offset that as I said if I can increase my income as I expect over the next year or two, the fact that we settled this using my current income level gives me the opportunity to improve myself to where the settlement would become fair and appropriate to where I may be able to get around the corner, and from there I WOULD be able to pay my bills today, and absolutely thrive in three short years. The best part is the term and amount of my maintenance was locked so it isn't conditional upon her success. I feel good that I did my part to be a rock and provide for the children through our entire marriage including her crisis, and that I have given her every opportunity to improve her life, but now she is no longer my responsibility.
Phew, that's a lot, and that's only the high level view. It was a lot to go through, I'll never forget it, and I'm glad it's over. It's time to turn back to my life. Work today, kids tonight (we start chapter "Mount Doom", and I expect the ring to hit the lava by Sunday night!), some fun times over the weekend, then the rebuilding of my life with more freedom to earn for myself, pursue home financing with a settled decree, and paying my last invoice to my lawyer. It's a huge weight off my back that has been a long time coming.
Hope you are all ok in DB world. Talk soon!
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
