PS did not add what is most assuredly last part to AndrewP's request - the 2x4's an LBS can "whack" themselves with. Sorry brother - have to be tomorrow. Mission assigned, will complete. Still in the fight, the fight for self. And me writing helps me more for me than it helps any of you who read what I write - believe that.
I'm off to bed myself after far too long hovering over the forums. Good Night my Brother.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Last part of question: How should LBS handle WW MLC. Just as with the other stuff: mix of sources, just what I found on the subject when researching for my own understanding, could apply to a WH MLC as well - but I have been honest that I searched for everything coming from the position that I am LBS to WW MLC, and I would suggest the 180's and GAL are still your best defense/response. But this is all information to consider I guess. FWIW, I personally found the information below the most helpful of all the information I discovered in my research.
How to respond to a WW having an MLC:
- Recognize and accept: you cannot change her feelings, you cannot save her, you cannot control her, you only control yourself.
- This is not personal. Things like this simply happen. There was nothing LBS could have done to prevent MLC in their spouse.
- Acknowledge and accept your role in what made the M bad, improve those things, but this does not excuse the A.
- Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst.
- One decision at a time, one day at a time. Be deliberate about everything you do.
- Make requests in a thoughtful and loving way.
- Do not treat her like a normal woman. She is not a normal woman, she is in chaos. If your wife came from a troubled childhood it was not an "if" they have a midlife crisis question, it is a "when" question.
- Make goals/plans/and strategies for yourself.
- Give her space. Enjoy your space.
- She is angry at her childhood and how it has followed/affected her entire life.
- Everything you see, hear, and observe are symptoms - including the A - of her midlife crisis. Do not focus on the symptoms.
- Don't label the problem for your spouse, don't give hints that they have a problem, don't point out harmful behaviors, none of this will help. Your WW MLC is on their own journey and must decide what path they follow.
- A mid-life crisis takes time: good news is that at time of BD in the M, the MLC is usually half way over.
- Learn to forgive her. This is not for WW's sake, but for your own freedom.
- Let go of visions you have always had: let go of what you think marriage is supposed to look like, let go of what true love means, let go of how you think relationships should function.
- Take charge of your own health and happiness. This is a choice you can make which starts by changing your attitude.
- Improve your personal appearance: hair, clothes, shoes, hygiene, body definition. This is for you, but WW will notice.
- Do not allow yourself to be manipulated by WW MLC. Do not show her you're angry and hurt. Show confidence in who you are and your decisions. Do not lose your cool and protect your personal business. Your WW MLC will try to take advantage of you, above is a defense.
- Become what your WW MLC cannot have. Keep conversations light and short. You will appear mysterious and interesting over time as WW MLC notices. WW MLC will be frustrated, confused, and intrigued by this behavior.
- Stop being the boring man you were in the M. Find new hobbies. Feel free, independent, popular, likable, enjoyable, friendly, encouraging, and conversational with everyone else in your life.
- Do not challenge WW MLC on anything she says no matter how crazy unless it directly affects your dignity, crosses boundaries, or will be negative to your children. In those cases be direct, succinct, and firm.
- Get a grip on yourself. You have a whole lot to lose if you act out of desperation. (personal interjection here - this one could be read with implications that what you lose is your WW. While true, I also believe the statement refers to your own health/sanity/dignity/happiness. Something to think about)
- The WW MLC can come out of this a better person. You can too.
- Let your partner know subtly that they are beautiful, desirable, incredible.
- Prioritize your children, prioritize yourself.
- Become the greatest father you can become. This does not mean doing everything you child(ren) want to do. AN MLC can sometimes remove the motherly instinct from a woman, this is "how" they can appear to "abandon" the kids. You will need to become more attentive to children's needs, more in touch with their emotions, be more ready to make up for the loss of their mother's time, security, and attention.
- Stop energy draining activities like: TV, video games, porn, drugs/alcohol, constant checking phone/email for WW contact, and spying on WW.
- Do not forget nothing you did justifies her A. You did do things to make her weak and prone to it, but you did not cause it. One day when WW comes out of MLC she will accept responsibility for the A, whether you are still there or not.
- Never say "I don't care", "i no longer care", or anything like this. These statements do not protect your well-being. Do not say them for the fact that you DO care, you care about yourself.
- Do not leave your own house. Do not leave your bedroom. If WW MLC leaves the house, make that her choice. If she wants her own bedroom, put new locks on the door and give her all the keys so she knows that is her space only. This is no longer your W, this is a stranger sharing your home. Stay calm about this.
- Maintain and grow the positive changes you have made for yourself.
- This is YOUR choice. You are in control of you. If you choose to keep the marriage you will need patience, faith, detachment, a focus upon yourself, to know what you want from life, a support system, education from reading everything you can, prayer (if you pray), and boundaries to keep your self respect and your dignity.
- Be open to and excited for your own journey.
I want to be VERY VERY clear with this last post of this type for now. These are not the answers to everyone's specific problems. This is information. As MWD says in her DB/DR books, what works for some may not work for others. While I find a lot of value in the information I have shared over the past few posts, some of it does not apply to me, some of it I don't think is right for me, and some of it seems unrealistic to me. What I have hopefully achieved is to offer some options and further education for you at this time. I encourage, if not downright insist that you go beyond these posts, if you think items pertain to you, and do your own research. Otherwise, these are my notes, I admit I did not annotate their sources (other than bookmarks in a folder on my laptop), and you risk the filter of my own bias while I took the notes. I did my very best to present this information in a way that limited my own opinions or to be direct about them being my opinions where I did put them in. I hope they inform and help you in your journey. My best to everyone.
"There is no more important fight than the one for ourselves. Keep on winning." Ginger1, Read her newbies. BD: Feb '16 D: Mar '17 Piecing: Putting the self back together was my piecing. S6
I love your last post. So many ways we can label our WW's. The message still stands that we focus on improving ourselves.
H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6 S-9,8,8,6,4 S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15 EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16 PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16 XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16 Finally moving forward...
CT, This was an EXCELLENT synopsis on the do's and don'ts of DBing. I suspect my WH is also going through a MLC and reminding myself to not take it personally has been my biggest challenge. I find when I step back from an emotionally charged situation and let a few days pass it helps immensely when addressing WH. This technique was a large part of my 180 as I would previously be pushy and demanding results and answers NOW!
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
- Let your partner know subtly that they are beautiful, desirable, incredible.
The one about letting the partner know subtly ... that's a really tough one. Not sure how to do it. Don't want to be perceiving as pursuing.
First off, very glad individuals here have found the information I share helpful.
ForGump - I agree that one is a challenge and as I said in my last post I am not sure how realistic all of these are. How does one remain dim, but also pull off support and making the other feel heard? How do you pull away with pursuance, but not so far that you are gone? I guess this depends on the individual sitch, how far out you both are, and what your objectives are. I believe the validation practices, e.g. Wonka's stuff, are the best approach for achieving while still 180.
An example of something I have done with that statement you quoted is to embed a comment about a small detail of her in the middle of validation.
Me responding to WW one day as she complained about her job/boss:
"Sorry you are feeling all of this stress at work. It sounds like a very challenging situation. Your skin looks good by the way so at least the stress has not affected your body. I hope you are able to figure this out and work through it."
I placed that in a very short conversation while dropping off S4. I listened to WW for the time I was there and that was all I said other than my nodding while she spoke, good-bye [I have to get going now, enjoy S4 tonight], and things I told my son before going. WW responded to the statement with body language - a smile and she touched her hair at the same time with a slow hand stroke after I said it. Both of those are common body language responses females give when they like the way/what a man has said to them. Also, I was not flirting, I did not smile when I said it, and I did as if it were an observation and nothing more. It was not me pursuing, it was me adding some mystery. My example sent two opposite messages to WW - "I don't need you" and "You are a person of qualities" These two things would not occur simultaneously in a normal R, but none of us are in a normal R. It is confusing, but helps with being the person your WW cannot have.
Not sure if that helps. Its what I did a few weeks ago and I would not be sure I would do that today and I if I do, it would be very few and far between. WW needs to continue w/ her journey and I w/ mine at this point. She seems to have shown small steps towards pursuing me and/or trying to pulse check. So I keep w/ everyone's advice here and will stick to my guns until change of a significant level is noticed.
"There is no more important fight than the one for ourselves. Keep on winning." Ginger1, Read her newbies. BD: Feb '16 D: Mar '17 Piecing: Putting the self back together was my piecing. S6
WW came by early today to drop off S4. WW asked yesterday if an hour earlier would be ok as she has been having a tough time getting S4 to listen/behave. I agreed, but not b/c of her trouble. I agreed b/c I am taking S4 to beach today and WW is usually not good at getting S4 here early which can slow my roll w/the S4. So as soon S4 finishes cereal and Wild Kratts we are out, beach is only 15 minutes away anyhow.
An example of some of the above things I have posted about MLC or WW's...I got the total chaos kid this morning. WW was not mean or rude to me, but her attitude was so shtty it took everything I could to not kick her out. She was here less than ten minutes but I heard a nothing but complaining, stress, S4 won't listen, she can't sleep, tired all the time, friends calling late at night........blah. I recognized immediately and held to the 37 rules - Brief, polite, good attitude, look my best, cheerful, etc; through in a couple validations "past few days seems to have been a real challenge for you right now, but if I heard you correctly you are going to the gym to get some stress out. That sounds positive". S4 was in the bathroom pooping and WW wanted to wait for him to say goodbye.
In front of WW I stood at the door of S4 and said "You and daddy need to leave so please get this done son. Would like any help?". I wanted to indicate to WW I was ready to go. S4 said no, cleaned up, came out and said goodbye to WW who then left. Ugghh. I held the line, but the whole experience just reminded me - this is a long ride, the chaos kid will show back up even when you are thinking/hoping a corner has turned, and showed me how far I have come in improving my own attitude. I just don't want to hear all that negativity.
Cartoons done. Thanks for hearing me vent. Off to beach and play w/ my son in the waves.
"There is no more important fight than the one for ourselves. Keep on winning." Ginger1, Read her newbies. BD: Feb '16 D: Mar '17 Piecing: Putting the self back together was my piecing. S6
- If your wife came from a troubled childhood it was not an "if" they have a midlife crisis question, it is a "when" question. - She is angry at her childhood and how it has followed/affected her entire life.
Hmmm - definitely true for my W. I never put much weight on it's impact on her though. She has a lot of anger towards her father especially and feels that she was short-changed about a lot of things. Add on to that some suspected sexual abuse at the hands of an uncle that the family blatantly ignored and this may well have been a time-bomb that was going to blow no matter what.
I had always hoped that our own loving, stable home would be her anchor and safe harbour and allow her to get over it.
This is yet again a day that I really wish that W was here and could read this sort of stuff too. On the other hand she angrily denied that she was troubled and needed help at least when she was fully in the fog.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
