The Fight for Self

[CT1118]

Nice one CT. 'The Chaos Kid'. Is this your WW when she is a disorganised mess?

Surfer - Yeah, wish I invented the term Chaos Kid but I found in a number of different psychology and counseling site, fits well though doesn't it. And yes, when WW is stressed for any reason it turns into either short temper, self-centered complaining, and long lists of "I need this/that I haven't gotten this/that I never this/that". It's chaotic and sounds just like a kid, so I really love the moniker.

albac - thanks, beach was great. S4 is not a great swimmer, but he has fun. Had to go when surf got a bit too rough for him.

AndrewP - my WW spent most of her pre to middle teen years in Canada. Do you think it's Canada's fault? Just joking - she actually did though and still loves the place (a small town in Ontario). Read more on how child abuse affects adult lives; so much out there.

Sitch update from this morning. Was driving myself & S4 to beach and WW called. I got an Apology. What I did not expect, it was not a self-centered one. WW said "I did not mean to come into your place and behave that way. You were obviously happy about the beach and being very nice and I was acting like an A-hole". WW said "Im really sorry" as her opener - I said thank you - then she had some contents like the above which I listened to w/out comment - then she said "I'm really sorry" again, to which I said "Thank you very much, we are almost at the beach and I need to focus on parking" WW seemed to want to talk more and I said talk to you later. In all fairness, she was actually very sincere about it.

I should note that yesterday, during most of the morning and into late afternoon I had this feeling of really not wanting to see my WW. I recognized that it made me uncomfortable and that I have felt it before. It made me uncomfortable because when I acknowledged it, it did not go away and if felt natural, like a new resting state. I am not sure if that's good or not. I mean its better than the out of character insecurity about myself which I felt for a couple months, but it sure didn't feel like hope either. Not sure how to interpret this one.

Anyway, S4 and I nailed beach parking - nothing between our 4x4 and the ocean but sand. Came home, ate lunch/rest time, now off to pool. I got a kids movie for tonight. Making this day our bitch.

[Surfer]

CT - what a great day you have had. I bet you will be cuddling up with your boy watching that DVD grinning from ear to ear. So will he. I love that feeling.

The Chaos Kid thing is interesting, my W seems to go into meltdown too when stressed mainly. Also gets very disorganised and has chaos all around.

The apologies are good. My W would rather cut off her face with a blunt piece of ham than apolologise. I'd take apologies as good.

Good that she seems to be wanting to talk more. Remember those times when it was just bile and spew always.....something is going right in comparison I imagine particularly if she is lingering more and talking nicely - my W has been doing a little more of this too.

I sometimes don't want to hear from W. Normally if she has managed to 'needle' me or if I am just not up for any drama or victim storeys. It comes and goes I find. I wouldn't read too much into it - probably part of giving less of a sh!t - AKA detaching.

[CT1118]

"My W would rather cut off her face with a blunt piece of ham than apolologise. I'd take apologies as good."

Surfer - I laughed way out loud. Pretty funny description. Also,
"I sometimes don't want to hear from W. Normally if she has managed to 'needle' me or if I am just not up for any drama or victim storeys. It comes and goes I find. I wouldn't read too much into it - probably part of giving less of a sh!t - AKA detaching."

Thanks, that was really supportive.

[SmithyC]

Hi CT118,

I was blown away by your post on how a LBS handle a S w/MLC. Many of points you make I can see that with my W. She came from a D from her family, they struggled financially and was bitter to her parents. She just turned 40 and now has this obsession w/her looks, she dresses more in the sense to accentuate her femininity (nothing risqué). I believe she is now drawn to attention as she grasping at turning this age. The only thing I may not agree in my own sitch, is that at BD her potential MLC is not half over, but rather just starting.

In my own sitch, I admittedly have made bad choices in how I treated her, but in certain ways I sense that she points at my past behavior to justify her future actions.

This is really good information, I am going to cut and paste to read over and over.

Thanks.

[CT1118]

I want to tell everyone here about how I feel regarding one specifically similar comment I have read in numerous threads within the DB online Community.

So the comment I feel like I have seen many times here is that this is somehow a "sad" place. I don't feel that way and I haven't felt that way. When I first logged into this community, it took about 5 minutes of thread reading before I knew I had to sign up and start talking. Inside me, I felt like "finally, people who understand!" Yes, we all came here for personal reasons and some of us arrived here at different stages. By the time I got here, most of my sadness was behind me and I was dealing with anger and a whole lot of confusion. I got it mostly down to the confusion now and I can even begin to fell that getting weaker as my detachment grows (sure remnants of other emotions exist). But that's me. You have to know this is all about normal stages one goes through and those stages overlap.

What I see DB community as is a place of caring, a place of support, and a place of strength; hell even laughter at times if you read back through some of the posts on this thread - and if you get to laugh here, it was most certainly well earned. There is sadness here, but it is not a sad place. Faith is not a tangible thing, it must be believed to be real, and everyone here has faith that those they read about, those they talk to, and those they understand, will one day become stronger individuals. I cannot control how others choose to see it, but I hope by sharing a different viewpoint it can offer a spin on the notion that this place is sad. Now that said, I fully reserve the right to come here later tonight, tomorrow, or anytime in the future and tell you I have been crying all night with my head in my lap; know you will understand and know you will help keep me strong.

[ForGump]

For me it's a paradox. I wish this place (this forum) did not exist. I wish it was not a part of my life. Yet given where my life is, I'm glad it's here.

[hawker]

I'm glad it is here as well because we all kind of know what we are all going through although I wish it were for happy reasons.

[CT1118]

Heard and understood. Would suggest it is all about the attitude though. We will never be free of hurt, pain, and confusion in this world. These are components of the human condition. But we can live our lives choosing to embrace joy, effort, and the self. This is who we all are right now in our lives, this is part of our journey. I may not enjoy the reasons which ultimately brought me here, but I assure you, I have become stronger, better, and refined because of those reasons.

My first wife did not last long. She was a manipulative alcoholic who stole money from me and somehow hid a split personality for me. She was older than me and managed to dupe me into marrying her - young and stupid right. Anyway, what being married to such a complete failure of a human being did for me was to make me realize I had to focus on what I could control and what would be positive in my life. For me that was my career and my career took off. Having the issues I had at the time, I may have not been stimulated to take such aggressive actions had I not been living with such a person. I have always credited her with provoking that side of my personality. When I left her, she too went on to become a better person, getting through school (albeit on the money she stole from me) and becoming a nurse. I like to think that is helpful in some way to society at least. In desperation there can be courage, in a fight fear can be just as good as bravery.

You may not see it now, but I hope you will. Nobody is excited about the wool socks at Christmas until the snow falls.

[CT1118]

Morning began by taking S4 to school. He's been having issues w/ fighting and selfishness; not sure that is far off from a 4 year old only child who parents aren't S. Did my best to ask him to be a good boy and tell him not to fight before I left.

Began driving to IC and WW called at 745 or so. I should have not answered, she had not made a very early call in a while, but I did. "How was S4 last night?". I realized immediately it was a pulse check and I had just backslid - one thing when I intentionally accept a call for an actual reason and I have a plan, but that was not there on this one; I just answered out of a habit I thought I was putting behind me. I did pretty good at getting of the line as quick as I could though. As long as I recognize my slip I suppose.

Good day at IC. I brought up the way I felt Saturday, about not wanting to see or hear from WW. I brought up what an a-hole WW acted like on Sunday and how I realized I did not have to hear that anymore. Told her about how I felt like I had hit a point where I have been living for me, improving me, and that felt pretty good. Told IC that it was strange to think about my WW and feel nothing or the opposite, to feel rejection of her in me. IC said this is what the detachment process does to some people and that feelings would come and go. It was not falling out of love, just a protection measure.

We spoke about a job offer I got, would take me out of state for 10K more money and with a much more reputable agency. Attractive. "I am not leaving my son and I am not going to pull him from his mother". I told her I trust my future self to know what to do in the future with such opportunities and that I currently trust my present self that I did the right thing with this one. Job was in the rust-belt anyway, and after 17 years on the southern coast, and despite where I grew up, I really hate the cold now.

Got to work a couple hours late as I always do on IC days, WW had blown up the email. Only replied to one which had S4's teacher linked. Ignored the others. Call came in at my lunch hour while I was at gym, rejected it. Text comes in about not answering emails. I hit my programed text reply everyone gets while I'm at gym..."I am in a meeting an cannot take your call. I will call you back as soon as I am able to." Did return call. Towards end of day WW calls again, I reject again, same message. One more time an hour later and this time I pick up. "Hey, how are you, did you see my emails?" ME - "I did see you emailed, but I am very busy". She asked me something about the way earlier teacher/school email - to be fair it was a legit question, but not that urgent. I answered it. There was nothing to validate in what she was saying, so I just stuck w/ rules 15-19. Got the "are you ok?" -yes, I am, I am great - "are you sure? - yes, great day, lots of work, been busy, need to get back to it, have a great day. Still feels strange right, doing that? Especially after I picked up a call this morning like it was habit. IC said, feelings come and go.

Put S4 to bed 2 hours ago. While sitting him on the sink and coaching him through how to brush his own teeth, he told me he loved me, but he just liked mommy better. I asked him "is that because when you are with daddy, there are rules to follow?" He just nodded. Put him to bed and I told him it was ok for him to like his mommy better, that he should not feel bad about that. Then I told him "I really love you son and I always look forward to my time with you. I hope you have a good time with mommy the next few days and I will think of you." He hugged me, kiss on the lips and gave an "I love you too daddy". I don;t feel any less because he is 4 and wants his mama.

Concludes my day in DB town. Will read a few more things here and check out.
Graduate school fall semester starts again in two weeks. Will consume a whole lot of my time. Sounds good. One year left till degree.

[albac]

I admire your DBing skills CT.

In my head I like to think I can do the same but normally when the occasion arises I go weak. It will take one and I am getting better so that will have to do for now.

It sounds like you and your S have a great bond and spending time with him keeps you strong. Keep fighting she isn't contacting you for no reason she is getting scared YOU are slipping away from her.

Keep it up